"Gnarly, right?"

But what is your favorite animal? For years I loved the camel above all, that proud desert animal capable of making or breaking empires in the Middle East. Now, I’d say its the hummingbird fluttering so delicately on the wind though though I might swap with the lowly honeybee as it was just revealed in The New York Times that when they fall into water, they can create their own waves and ride them to safety but don’t take my word for it. Take the Grey Lady’s.

If their honey-making and pollination prowess weren’t enough, there’s a new reason to appreciate honeybees: They’re world-class surfers.

Beyond pollinating flowers, worker bees — which are all females — are given the job of searching for water to cool their hives. But if they fall into ponds, their wings get wet and can’t be used to fly. A team of researchers at the California Institute of Technology found that when bees drop into bodies of water, they can use their wings to generate ripples and glide toward land — like surfers who create and then ride their own waves.

Gnarly, right?

“When they fall in the water, they have to find a way to get to shore as a matter of survival,” said Chris Roh, a Caltech research engineer and lead author of the study, published Monday in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. “It’s a ‘to bee or not to bee’ situation.”

On the piece goes, detailing this and that and it is very interesting but I became distracted by the guffaws and “yeah rights” emanating from Hawaii, being blown on gentle trade winds to Lemoore, California then rushing straight into my ears.

“Create their own waves and ride them?” the voice bellows. “I’ve been doing that for years.”

And what sort of backhanded compliment do you think Kelly Slater, the greatest of all-time, will deliver to the honeybee? How will he both diminish their accomplishments while shifting the spotlight to his own?

Will he get “caught” during his HBO 24/7 episode making a cup of chamomile tea, stirring in stevia instead of honey while declaring, “Studies show honey is super bad for you…” as the camera zooms in for a tight shot?

More as the story develops.

The bastards.

The plight of professional surfers, and their lack of freedoms, really got me going late last month. The fact that none of them, no not one, can speak freely about their lives thanks to an article baked into the just signed 10-year contract which prohibits any negative statement about the World Surf League or the “sport of surfing.”

My blood boiled for them, for gagged peoples everywhere, and so I became an activist. A megaphone for the silenced. A voice for the voiceless and while Ace Buchan, Wade Carmichael, Caio Ibelli need recognition and action, China’s native Uighur population needs both much more, especially from the free folk.

From us.

The Uighur, a mostly Muslim ethnic minority who live in China’s western Xinjiang province, have been the target of Chinese ire for decades. They are not Han, the ethnic group making up 92% of China’s population, for one, and mostly Muslim, for two, flying in the face of Mao Zedong’s utopian cult of personality. A real affront to total control and according the a just-released New York Times report, the focus of an unprecedented crackdown. Shall we read? It is our duty and our right.

China’s Communist Party has a special manual instructing officials on how to deal with Uighur university students who get back to find that their families have been imprisoned as part of the mass repression of the Uighur people.

Under President Xi Jinping, China has installed a high-tech police state in the region and detained at least 1 million Uighurs in prisons and camps. Former detainees have described physical and psychological torture in those centers.

The 403 pages of internal documents published by The New York Times detail the extent of China’s efforts to deflect questions and criticism of unprecedented crackdown.

The documents include instructions for local officials to corner Uighur students returning home, as soon as they arrive, to stop them from speaking more widely about what is going on.

A seven-page guide for officials in Turpan City, in eastern Xinjiang, includes 13 questions and model answers to tell students when they ask about their vanished families. The Times described it as “chillingly bureaucratic.”

On and on it goes and… really fuck China. First punk pop “surf” brand Vans had to disappear a gorgeous shoe, fearing that sales in Beijing would tank. Now, Beijing is trying to brainwash the best people on the mainland.

There is a fantastic Uighur restaurant in greater Los Angeles’s San Gabriel Valley if you’re down for a culinary adventure.

Otherwise, fuck China.

Pennies from heaven!

And you trust me don’t you? You trust my various little birds trapped behind the World Surf League’s Santa Monica Wall of Positive Noise who peep out rumors so hot that they take months to substantiate? Oh you should because they are always right, even though they take months to substantiate, and when they are not right it is due some massive billionaire posturing behind the scenes, derailing certain true scenarios and writing their will upon bad ideas.

See Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch in the otherwise drought-stricken California central valley. I reported, two months ago, that Santa Monica’s powers that be were set to shutter the KSWaveCo. Solana Beach offices and lay off basically everyone. It just came true. I also reported that the Freshwater Pro would be abandoned as the competition was hated by professional surfers, did horrible viewership numbers and was otherwise generally unloved. It didn’t come true but only because the Santa Monica powers that be are running a just announced reality television show there and also it is the only part of the entire World Surf League that makes money.

How much does it make?

As just revealed by a little bird… zero.

And let me quote…

Bottom line is that KSWaveCo has total operating costs per month between $800k – $1m and are renting the place on average of 15 – 20 days per month with an asking price of $50k per day so are grossing $750k -$1m per month. In other words, much sound and fury and make-believe surf but capitalism-wise much ado about a basically break even proposition. On top of that, research and development plus getting the place up and running was an easy $10m+ so they’re servicing $10m in debt and running at roughly break even. Not how the Rockefellers, or even the Ziffs made their fortunes.

So.

Are you happy that the Freshwater Pro is back for another year as the lone success story of co-Waterperson of the Year Dirk Ziff’s reign, equalling a break even proposition, at best?

Yeah?

If Dirk Ziff was a character on HBO’s Succession who would he be?

Tom?

Tom?

More as the story develops.