This isn't sports programming. This is morning TV.
Chas already broke the news of the WSL breaking the news that they actually had very little news to break at all about next year’s tour schedule.
We already knew about G-Land.
The Freshwater subtraction we were hoping for didn’t materialise.
Added together it equalled continual disappointment for surf fans. The arithmetic of failure.
Snapper, Bells, Margaret River, G-Land, yada yada. Are we 2019 or 1995?
Have you watched the video in full? The entire thirty minutes of overproduced, self-congratulatory onanism that should have been pissed into the wind as a Friday afternoon press release?
Here’s what the WSL’s own fans thought.
Jeff • 2 hours ago
Get rid of Freshwater… back to Trestles for crying out loud, enough already. Straight snoozer.
john • 3 hours ago
No Cloudbreak , well you are not putting your surfers in the best waves . Some contests this year were pathetic .
R.A. • 3 hours ago • edited
just skip to the 29 minute mark so you don’t have to watch all the BS.
Bring back Trestles and get rid of the Freshwater Pro!
kolbyp • 4 hours ago
No more Trestles, No more Fiji…. Missing some of the best waves in the world. Freshwater pro is boring, reminds me of the beginning of the movie, North Shore. I understand why they go to Rio, huge market. More rights than lefts, it seems like the destinations can use some improvement.
Teddy • 4 hours ago
Chris Cote is the single reason why I stopped following WSL.
Jo • 4 hours ago
“The best breaks in the world” — and you put in Rio! 🤣🤣 👎👎
Where’s Cloudbreak? Fiji’s out, and we ALL have to suffer Rio!
“Best breaks”… we’re not all suckers! 👎
The Wall of Positivity/Schmaltz shows cracks from the inside!
And my thoughts?
Watching, I imagined Chas as Colonel Kurtz, stuck like a prize pig by Chris Coté after being lured to some supposedly conciliatory pre-screening in an abandoned Santa Monica warehouse, slowly bleeding out, gasping in his last breaths, “the schmaltz, the schmaltz,” while Coté stands over him, bloody shiv in hand, and calls E-Lo on his flip phone to let him know, “It’s done.”
My favourite bits?
The Get Sent-esque void of repartee between Cote and O’Connell. Pat looked like he’d just rolled in from a Tijuana bachelor party. Chris looked pained. There were mistimed high fives. Forced humour and positivity. It had the awkward vibe of a YouTube clip of Friends where the laugh track is removed.
The “crosses” to the live booth for each reveal, which had Rosie and Strider and Pottz and Pete (no Ronnie) appearing as floating upper torsos forever trapped in their timber-panelled prisons, the stilted looks on their faces screaming ‘nuke the entire site from orbit, now!’ As one of our commenters asked, do you think they were just sitting in a room next to Chris and Pat? Either way it was L-O-L stuff.
The muzak for each location reveal, which sounded like the playlist in a noughties TV executive’s rape dungeon.
About half way through the broadcast it dawned on me.
This isn’t sports programming. This is morning TV.
E-Lo is serving us a breakfast television schmaltz double down, fronted by twin Ellen DeGeneri and supported by a coterie of compliant Labradors.
Bright lights. Upbeat music. Smiles! Smiles! Smiles! It’s all cream and no coffee. All pastry and no meat. All yin and no yang.
This is surfing’s soul, gutted, with extreme prejudice.
And now I see it’s not just Chas lying bloodied on the floor, but Derek too, and LT, and Jen, and JP, and Warshaw, and Negs, and Wiggoly’s Paddling Style, and Nick Carroll, and Maurice Cole, and Hynd, and Samuels, and Pezman, and Kidman, and Fletcher, and Reynolds, and Martinez, and Drouyn, and Dora, and Mike Boyum, and Banks, and Lynch, and they’re all crying out in unison: the schmaltz, the schmaltz!
… and I rejoice because I realise, what would a part time, amateur surf writer rant about without the continual misfirings of the WSL?
They… complete… me…
The Wall of Negative Noise is getting a bit monotonous.
ELO rides smaller waves than Josie Prendergast.
They really do look like a couple of prize bellends.
I wouldn’t let that pair front a bin collection.
look at those 2 guys. is that what surfing represents to you? if yes, wsl has some super kool (+rad)
“athletes ” jerseys for u!!!
Maybe that’s it. I read somewhere Paul Speaker bought the WSL for his wife and maybe she’s the target audience. Maybe she likes Oprah and morning TV? Maybe she likes the tub? At least it’d make somewhat sense.
Teddy seems like a good cunt.
Surfads are you too much of a contrarian to be ever truly completed?
If I ever become one myself it will only be ironically
Debt slavery is alive and well.
As for the old gay couple heading this post, it appears Cote is very serious, shirt buttoned tight. Cote looks like the love child of Ellen and Anderson Cooper, gay and serious. He’s the Felix Unger of the couple.
Pat is the Oscar Madison of Neil Simon fame. Same bad look he rocked during his relevance only no one will use the word “impish” to cutely describe him anymore.
Kudos for the WSL becoming inclusive of all sexual preferences…. brilliant move which opens up a huge new audience. Maybe the WSL can partner with LGQT organizations and increase their visibility!!!
I heard Cote used to date Keala Kennelly but she said Chris was too butch.
I think I have a new impression of the photo…. Cote looks possessive and Pat is still unaware that he’s in a gay relationship.
Who?
Well said! Kids too
It’s the new “gay couple” thing to adopt kids Scott and parade them in front of shocked christians.
You are on fire SurfAds! Absolutely nailed this one
They use the excuse of keeping Rio on the tour because it’s a ‘massive market’ and brazzo fans want it. Trestles isn’t given the same concession? As if the biggest concentration of surfers in America isn’t enough of a market to bring a stop back to southern California?
That is not exactly the excuse for Rio.
Even though the event takes place in Saquarema (small town 200km north of Rio), it gathers more people at the beach watching the comp than probably every other event together.
It is because of the massive market, but a market of non-surfers. The biggest on the CT. Probably the only considerable one. By what I can recall, Trestles never received a similar amount of live spectators, and won’t ever. And where the massive public is, in California, is Huntington, with far, far worst waves than Saquarema. Actually, Barrinha have been quite good this last two years.
This isn’t to make a case against Trestles or SoCal. It’s just that these places wouldn’t adress the same issues Rio does.
Barrinha has been good, but also shit the years before. Not talking about pulling Brazil by any means…it makes sense to keep it. However, I’m not sure how the WSL is going to make much money off Brazil’s non surfing fans beside ticket ingresso at events. Maybe some Teresinha do interior is gonna buy a Jeep and rip around Resende after seeing Gabby surf?
Well, lots of non-endemics are throwing money at him right now so maybe she will… They can’t be all wrong can they? I don’t know much bout that to be honest. Maybe they are. Also understanding WSLs logics goes beyond my imagination I guess
That had me in stiches, cheers surf ads
This should’ve been an email
If by mistake I took you for a portuguese speaker, just ignore it and accept my apologies
I think we should tip fuel on this dumpster fire by declaring that anyone who wins during a Wave Pool year, is not as much of a champion as anyone who wins during a non-wave pool year.
**
Dream tour
Nightmare tour.
Why was there two old men announcing the circuit?
Why wouldn’t you use a top rated male and female ( what happened to equality? ) ” athlete” who have a following instead two no name old dudes?
Not a very professional way to kick off a year of hip young guys and girls surfing is it?
Very basic advertising skills / spectacular fail ELO
Best surfers in the world, Best tour, as told by two old no bodies.
Apparently amateur masters ‘champs’ are the type of candidate they find user friendly for their lame ass ness
Not toooo dissimilar to this neck of the woods really
yes it was very weird that the women were absent bar Rosie.
Has Ronnie retired to be a super dad?
I am pretty sure they said something like “Providing a fair playing field for goofy footers and regular footers” at the start of that terrible dribble. I wonder how fair the goofys really think it is? I guess we will never know due to #189. But adding up the sums it seems they have been dudded again.
What was weird was the lack of a wall of positive noise around the women’s events. Strange.
Gabby DGAF about a level playing field
He actually complained in some event about not having enough lefts
This made me feel like l was a prepubescent 13 year old:
– G-land was the equivalent of was my first finger blast
– Hearing Lemoore and Portugal are still in was akin to the sensation of uncle Barry slipping a few digits in my rusty sheriffs badge Christmas night after a half cart of tooheys draught long necks