This isn't sports programming. This is morning TV.
Chas already broke the news of the WSL breaking the news that they actually had very little news to break at all about next year’s tour schedule.
We already knew about G-Land.
The Freshwater subtraction we were hoping for didn’t materialise.
Added together it equalled continual disappointment for surf fans. The arithmetic of failure.
Snapper, Bells, Margaret River, G-Land, yada yada. Are we 2019 or 1995?
Have you watched the video in full? The entire thirty minutes of overproduced, self-congratulatory onanism that should have been pissed into the wind as a Friday afternoon press release?
Here’s what the WSL’s own fans thought.
Jeff • 2 hours ago
Get rid of Freshwater… back to Trestles for crying out loud, enough already. Straight snoozer.
john • 3 hours ago
No Cloudbreak , well you are not putting your surfers in the best waves . Some contests this year were pathetic .
R.A. • 3 hours ago • edited
just skip to the 29 minute mark so you don’t have to watch all the BS.
Bring back Trestles and get rid of the Freshwater Pro!
kolbyp • 4 hours ago
No more Trestles, No more Fiji…. Missing some of the best waves in the world. Freshwater pro is boring, reminds me of the beginning of the movie, North Shore. I understand why they go to Rio, huge market. More rights than lefts, it seems like the destinations can use some improvement.
Teddy • 4 hours ago
Chris Cote is the single reason why I stopped following WSL.
Jo • 4 hours ago
“The best breaks in the world” — and you put in Rio! 🤣🤣 👎👎
Where’s Cloudbreak? Fiji’s out, and we ALL have to suffer Rio!
“Best breaks”… we’re not all suckers! 👎
The Wall of Positivity/Schmaltz shows cracks from the inside!
And my thoughts?
Watching, I imagined Chas as Colonel Kurtz, stuck like a prize pig by Chris Coté after being lured to some supposedly conciliatory pre-screening in an abandoned Santa Monica warehouse, slowly bleeding out, gasping in his last breaths, “the schmaltz, the schmaltz,” while Coté stands over him, bloody shiv in hand, and calls E-Lo on his flip phone to let him know, “It’s done.”
My favourite bits?
The Get Sent-esque void of repartee between Cote and O’Connell. Pat looked like he’d just rolled in from a Tijuana bachelor party. Chris looked pained. There were mistimed high fives. Forced humour and positivity. It had the awkward vibe of a YouTube clip of Friends where the laugh track is removed.
The “crosses” to the live booth for each reveal, which had Rosie and Strider and Pottz and Pete (no Ronnie) appearing as floating upper torsos forever trapped in their timber-panelled prisons, the stilted looks on their faces screaming ‘nuke the entire site from orbit, now!’ As one of our commenters asked, do you think they were just sitting in a room next to Chris and Pat? Either way it was L-O-L stuff.
The muzak for each location reveal, which sounded like the playlist in a noughties TV executive’s rape dungeon.
About half way through the broadcast it dawned on me.
This isn’t sports programming. This is morning TV.
E-Lo is serving us a breakfast television schmaltz double down, fronted by twin Ellen DeGeneri and supported by a coterie of compliant Labradors.
Bright lights. Upbeat music. Smiles! Smiles! Smiles! It’s all cream and no coffee. All pastry and no meat. All yin and no yang.
This is surfing’s soul, gutted, with extreme prejudice.
And now I see it’s not just Chas lying bloodied on the floor, but Derek too, and LT, and Jen, and JP, and Warshaw, and Negs, and Wiggoly’s Paddling Style, and Nick Carroll, and Maurice Cole, and Hynd, and Samuels, and Pezman, and Kidman, and Fletcher, and Reynolds, and Martinez, and Drouyn, and Dora, and Mike Boyum, and Banks, and Lynch, and they’re all crying out in unison: the schmaltz, the schmaltz!
… and I rejoice because I realise, what would a part time, amateur surf writer rant about without the continual misfirings of the WSL?
They… complete… me…