Welcome to War, Now go to Hell.

Watch: “Mr. Logan… Mr. Logan, tear down this Wall of Positive Noise!”

By Chas Smith

5 years ago

The time has come for free surfers everywhere to stand in solidarity!

So there I was, late last week, ready to march up to Santa Monica and pound your 95 Theses onto the World Surf League’s Global Headquarter’s door, or at least five of them, when I stumbled upon one of the most odious, most egregious human rights’ abuses on earth. A throttling so aggressive as to make Red China seem open and free. A gagging that ex-Soviet KGB officers wish they had dreamt up themselves.

You see, I was so worried about The People™, and the toxic impact the Wall of Positive Noise was having on us, that I failed to see its true victims.

Professional surfers.

We The People™, we have to endure the happy racket, Joe Turpel’s cotton candy stuffed down our ears, but are essentially free as birds, can press mute from time to time and speak truth.

Professional surfers, on the other hand, are prevented by law from saying any negative word about either the World Surf League or professional surfing in general.

Almost unbelievable but also right there, plain as day, inside the WSL Rule Book for there we find Article 189 and shall we read it together?

Article 189: Damage to Surfing’s Image

Individuals bound by this Policy shall not engage in any conduct which could cause damage to the image of the sport of surfing. For purposes of this Article, “damage to the image of the sport of surfing” is defined as any act, regardless of time or place, which casts the sport of surfing or WSL in a negative light. Without restricting the application of this Article, “damage to the sport of surfing” will include any comments or broadcast from social media accounts that the Surfer is responsible for.

Any Surfer found in violation of this section shall be subject to the following disciplinary action:
(i) Monetary Fines and Disqualification. The monetary fine amounts for an offense of this Article ranges from $1,000 USD to $50,000 USD per offense.
(ii) Suspension and Expulsion. Any offender under this Article may be subject to suspension and/or expulsion from a WSL Tour upon the first offense. Where multiple offenses occur within one or more concurrent seasons which demonstrate a pattern of unacceptable conduct, the Surfer may also be subject to suspension and/or expulsion from the WSL.

Tears are welling up in my eyes as I think of our professional surfing sisters and brethren trapped like 1970s East Germans, cowering on the other side of the Wall of Positive Noise, waiting for the sound of Stasi-like Erik “ELo” Logan’s jackloafers to come marching to their doors, fines and banishment in hand. Rolled out in front of microphone after microphone having to say, “Yeah, the surf was great today. Competition is good. Really sick.”

No!

No damn it. If one of us is living under oppression than all of us are living under oppression and so before we can even begin to discuss the betterment of professional surfing, before any theses get nailed to any door I look at you, Mr. Logan, and say, “Tear down this Wall of Positive Noise. Abolish Article 189. Let our professional surfers breathe free.”

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Breaking: Chris Cotę and Pat O to deliver “surprise announcement” regarding 2020 WSL Championship Tour tomorrow morning!

By Chas Smith

5 years ago

What could it be? What could it possibly be?

Are your loins girded? Tunic brought up so all the fabric is above the knees? Extra material gathered in front so it is tight against your backside? Tied tightly with no chance of coming undone? Ready for the promised “surprise announcement” to be delivered tomorrow morning (Nov. 6th) at 9:00 am Pacific Standard Time regarding the 2020 World Surf League Championship Tour schedule?

Well, if they are not you still have a few hours.

And what do you think this “surprise announcement” might be? Let’s head to the press release first before guessing wildly without rhyme or reason.

LOS ANGELES, California/USA (Tuesday, November 5, 2019) – The World Surf League (WSL) will release its 2020 Championship Tour calendars for the men’s and women’s tours tomorrow, Wednesday, November 6, at 9 a.m. PT.

Not an actual video. Maybe go to Facebook? I don't really know. — Not an actual video. Maybe go to Facebook? I don’t really know.

Head to worldsurfleague.com on Wednesday, Nov 6 at 9 a.m. PT to find out where the world’s best surfers will go in 2020.

Pat O’Connell and Chris Cote host the unveiling of the schedule for next season. Find out where the tour is headed, get insight on each break from athletes and commentators, and, most of all, discover what new spot is being added to the slate.

Ok, so first, which commentators are being dropped? Are any being added? Surf Ranch is for sure being dropped but is anything being added in its place?

What else?

Who else?

Where else?

Let’s guess wildly without rhyme or reason but I’ll tell you right now, if the “surprise announcement” is that cbdMD is headlining any more events I won’t be happy.

I won’t be happy at all and will certainly let the WSL’s Storyteller-in-Chief Erik “ELo” Not Logan know about it.

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The creamy-beige Blake Lively as Chris Little in The Shallows.

Just in: Forster Crawling with Great Whites; Surfer dragged under says, “It felt like I was hooked up to a ski boat!”

By Derek Rielly

5 years ago

Pretty off-the-highway town on Australia's east coast clapping to the rhythm of bellicose sharks…

What’s it feel like to be sitting in an early evening lineup, alone, pretty three-foot waves, and you get hit from below in a classic Great White ambush attack?

Chris Little, forty, from Bondi in Sydney, was on the last day of a vacay at a pretty little off-the-highway joint on Australia’s east coast near Forster, an area filled with photogenic waves that dominated surf mags worldwide for a decade.

It’s spring. Longer days, warmer nights.

It also means an increase in Great White fever as migrating whales swing on home from mating season in the tropical north. Locals know to keep a wide berth at sunrise and sunset, maybe even avoid high tide when the Whites swim close to the rocks.

Let’s place the scene. It’s six-fifteen pm, south Boomerang Beach, right there in the corner. It’s daylight saving so it’s still an hour-and-a-half before dark. One guy sitting by himself.

As Chris paddles out he passes the guy riding a wave in. The guy waves, smiles.

A set, bigger than anything that’s comes through all day, appears.

“I’ve nailed it,” thinks Chris.

Then, as he paddles out to pick off his choice of waves, Chris feels a sharp tug on his legrope. Thinks the clown he saw on the way out has paddled back to the lineup and is making a funny prank.

“I quickly realised it wasn’t him,” says Chris. “I felt like I was hooked up to a ski boat. I immediately realised it was legit.”

He keeps saying to himself, “I know, I know, I know.”

The last time Chris did that, a realisation that his world was about to come to an end, was when he was a grommet in his car with his girl and he hit some water and flew off an embankment on the Bruce Highway, near Brisbane. He grabbed her hand and said,

“I know, I know, I know.”

In the water, Chris feels as if it’s a reverse wipeout. His legrope gets pulled so hard the board disappears underneath him.

Then he gets pulled under.

He tries to peel off his ankle strap. Can’t reach.

“I’m getting manhandled, dragged,” says Chris.”It was power on tap, like getting in a good car. I have a thirty-two litre board (six-two DHD DX1) and I’m almost ninety kilos.”

The leash stretches until he feels it break. The board flies fifteen feet in the hair. Later, he’ll discover it’s covered in micro-cracks, these weird little breaks in the glass.,

“It was like a fucking missile from a submarine and I was left fucking sitting in the brine like a tea bag. And, I thought, this thing is going to double back and fuck me up.”

It didn’t.

“I obviously freaked it out. So I swam like Ian Thorpe, like Alexander Popov, the fastest man in the water, jumped on my board, bellied it to the beach and threw my board on the sand.

The girlfriend of the guy who’d waved to him on the way in says she saw the hit.

Tells him: “I was wondering why there was some learner out the back flailing by themselves.”

The guy sees him and and asks what happened.

“I just had a run-in with god-knows-what out there, it bit through my legrope and dragged me underwater.”

“I came in ‘cause it felt suss out there,” he says.

Chris laughs. “You gave me a smile on the way in! You fully gave me a wave.”

In the carpark, as Chris tells his wife what happened, the guy drives past and throws him a can of VB.

A local strolls by and says, “Heard you had an incident out there.”

He adds a pal of his was knocked off his board at the north on the previous Friday.

Three weeks before that, a surfer was belted by a ten-foot Great White, knocked off his board and so on, at Lighthouse Beach, near Seal Rocks, a few clicks south.

“The sheer power of the thing, it felt like I was getting hit by a bus,” Mike Bruton told a local tabloid.

Chris says the hit has ’t rattled him, per se, but he’s had a few dreams, one where he’s at a beach that’s a mix between Noosa and Bryon, and the same thing happens. In the dream it’s the same feeling, the same sensation.

He keeps the legroom in his bathroom, which he examines whoever’s he’s on the shitter.

A reminder of his mortality?

“It’s my only justification, the only proof,” he says. “Friends ask me, Who saw it? No one. Any mates? No. But I’ve got a legrope.”

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End of Prohibition: WSL inks “biggest deal in history of professional big wave surfing” with marijuana-ish brand!

By Chas Smith

5 years ago

All the health benefits, none of the fun!

But have you used CBD yourself? Have you personally rubbed CBD lotion on your tired knees, dropped CBD droplets under your tongue, sucked on a CBD lollipop, drank CBD-infused lemonade, CBD-infused tea, CBD-infused coconut water or smoked a CBD only joint?

Of course you have, or know many people who have, or have many people telling you that CBD is the real cure to what ails you for the marijuana-plant derived, non-psychotropic modern miracle is everywhere, in everything, and that “everything” now includes our World Surf League.

A modern miracle in and of itself seeing our World Surf League is very, very anti-drug and very, very pro-staying in school.*

What? I didn’t catch that because I was misting CBD into my ear canals. Could you repeat? You want to read the official press release? Of course. Here it is:

Today, the World Surf League (WSL) announced a new partnership with cbdMD, a nationally recognized consumer cannabidiol (CBD) brand (NYSE American: YCBD). cbdMD will be the official title partner of the Jaws Big Wave Championships for the 2019/2020 Big Wave season. The official holding period for the cbdMD Jaws Big Wave Championships opened November 1, 2019, and runs through March 31, 2020.

This partnership marks the biggest deal in WSL’s big wave history and WSL’s first-ever CBD sponsorship. This partnership will enable WSL to advance the sport while featuring unique marketing integrations with athlete ambassadors. cbdMD partners with elite athletes across a wide array of sports, including Olympians Kerri Walsh Jennings and Lolo Jones, professional golfer Bubba Watson and more, alongside big wave surfers Makua Rothman and Nathan Florence.

“I’m extremely excited to announce our partnership with the WSL for this year’s cbdMD Jaws Championship,” said Caryn Dunayer, President of cbdMD. “Surfing has been an integral part of our brand strategy and growth within the action sports community and we’re grateful to have this opportunity to solidify our footprint.”

“The WSL is always trying to push the boundaries of progression and break new ground,” said Cherie Cohen, WSL Chief Revenue Officer. “We are excited to announce our partnership with cbdMD for the Jaws Big Wave World Championship, the WSL’s first CBD partnership. Optimal performance is the key to overcoming the unique challenges of big wave surfing. This partnership with a CBD category leader will help inform consumers of CBD’s benefits.”

Now, after we’re done smearing CBD butter on our toast let’s play a guessing game.

How big is the “biggest deal in WSL’s big wave history?”

I’ll start the bidding at $420.00

*The WSL is not very, very pro staying in school preferring that WSL potentials take the homeschool route which leaves more time for Juniors/WQS contests and all their associated fees.

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Tasty and sustainable!

U.S. Government agency releases detailed report on how to combat food insecurity: “Eat more shark!”

By Chas Smith

5 years ago

It's the circle of life!

Finally a bit of common sense in our overwhelming shark apocalypse. Finally something we can all of us agree upon for as you well know, “man-eating” Great White sharks, Tiger sharks and Bull sharks too have taken over the entire U.S. Eastern Seaboard, including but not limited to Cape Cod and Novia Scotia.

You also know they have absolutely destroyed the tranquil peace once enjoyed in my bucolic North County, San Diego and you should know that a rapacious beast nibbled the foot off of an British diver in Australia just before the weekend, enjoying it as an appetizer all gamey and tasting of warm ale.

These horrors have paralyzed mankind and should continue to paralyze any male even thinking about taking up surfing for male surfers, it is well known, are sharks’ favorite meal.

But finally a bit of prudence, rationality, wisdom and from The United States government itself. Sharks should become our favorite meal in return and let us turn directly to the U.S. government agency NOAA (National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration) for the absolute latest on how to combat food insecurity in America and abroad.

As you scan the seafood counter in search of new foods, keep a look out for U.S.-caught shark. That’s right—seafood consumers concerned about the environmental impact of eating shark can rest assured. Finding sustainable products is as simple as asking where it was harvested.

“U.S. shark fishermen work under some of the most robust environmental standards in the world,” said Randy Blankinship, a fisheries management specialist who leads the group in charge of safeguarding shark populations in the Atlantic. “Their decades of stewardship should be recognized at the market.”

It’s a common misconception that all sharks are endangered. It’s true that overfishing, habitat loss, and other practices have greatly depleted some shark populations overseas. But that’s not the case in the United States. In fact, none of the 43 Atlantic shark species managed by NOAA Fisheries are listed as endangered in U.S. waters under the Endangered Species Act. Oceanic whitetip and scalloped hammerhead—which fishermen are either prohibited from harvesting or allowed to keep only in limited situations—are listed as threatened.

Several commercially in-demand species have actually experienced population growth in recent decades as a result of the United States’ science-based management. The number of blacktip sharks in the Gulf of Mexico was on the decline into the 1990s, for example. Their tasty meat made them the target of many shark fishermen.

Sustainable and tasty, much like Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch, and for the first time in months I feel some sort of… balance. Sharks* eat surfers.

Surfers* eat sharks.

It’s the circle of life.

*Everyone pictured either sharks or surfers.

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Eat beach grit spam!