The time has come for free surfers everywhere to stand in solidarity!
So there I was, late last week, ready to march up to Santa Monica and pound your 95 Theses onto the World Surf League’s Global Headquarter’s door, or at least five of them, when I stumbled upon one of the most odious, most egregious human rights’ abuses on earth. A throttling so aggressive as to make Red China seem open and free. A gagging that ex-Soviet KGB officers wish they had dreamt up themselves.
You see, I was so worried about The People™, and the toxic impact the Wall of Positive Noise was having on us, that I failed to see its true victims.
Professional surfers.
We The People™, we have to endure the happy racket, Joe Turpel’s cotton candy stuffed down our ears, but are essentially free as birds, can press mute from time to time and speak truth.
Professional surfers, on the other hand, are prevented by law from saying any negative word about either the World Surf League or professional surfing in general.
Almost unbelievable but also right there, plain as day, inside the WSL Rule Book for there we find Article 189 and shall we read it together?
Article 189: Damage to Surfing’s Image
Individuals bound by this Policy shall not engage in any conduct which could cause damage to the image of the sport of surfing. For purposes of this Article, “damage to the image of the sport of surfing” is defined as any act, regardless of time or place, which casts the sport of surfing or WSL in a negative light. Without restricting the application of this Article, “damage to the sport of surfing” will include any comments or broadcast from social media accounts that the Surfer is responsible for.
Any Surfer found in violation of this section shall be subject to the following disciplinary action:
(i) Monetary Fines and Disqualification. The monetary fine amounts for an offense of this Article ranges from $1,000 USD to $50,000 USD per offense.
(ii) Suspension and Expulsion. Any offender under this Article may be subject to suspension and/or expulsion from a WSL Tour upon the first offense. Where multiple offenses occur within one or more concurrent seasons which demonstrate a pattern of unacceptable conduct, the Surfer may also be subject to suspension and/or expulsion from the WSL.
Tears are welling up in my eyes as I think of our professional surfing sisters and brethren trapped like 1970s East Germans, cowering on the other side of the Wall of Positive Noise, waiting for the sound of Stasi-like Erik “ELo” Logan’s jackloafers to come marching to their doors, fines and banishment in hand. Rolled out in front of microphone after microphone having to say, “Yeah, the surf was great today. Competition is good. Really sick.”
No!
No damn it. If one of us is living under oppression than all of us are living under oppression and so before we can even begin to discuss the betterment of professional surfing, before any theses get nailed to any door I look at you, Mr. Logan, and say, “Tear down this Wall of Positive Noise. Abolish Article 189. Let our professional surfers breathe free.”
who cares what the dumb arse pros have to say anyhow.
my recipe for success: dancing girls, rock’n’roll and lasers.
gabby tied to a cross and whipped would also work for me.
VAB. Vulnerable adult baker.
Why the sunnies indoors mate? Didn’t seem like much glare.
L to the OG
Dude be the OG
A-N he playin’
Playin’ like a pro, see
L to the OG
Dude be the OG
A-N he playin’
Playin’ like a pro
A fecund brand ….. with salty overtones
Haha! Chas your are actually insane! Did you mess up the cake so bad you had to go out and buy an alternate? Either way good job. Good investigative journalism.
oooh baby xox
Yeah nah.
It was some corporate-legal adjacent Seppo talk.
Maybe if I ask like this:
Dear Dr Jen,
Please could you translate your pronouncements regarding rainbows and unicorns?
I haven’t watched this yet. Is Helena Bonham-Carter in it?
Surely CT guys snaking and dropping in on locals before contests casts WSL in a negative light. Is there a form on the WSL site where we can report such transgressions?
A great speech either way….
One of your best pieces, hilarious. Keep blowing your trumpet, Battle of Jericho…
JACKLOAFERS!!!!!
The infamous purple and tans…
Chas your missing the entry. if you cant join em then beat them!! How many years did it take for Joel Tudor and his Vans cheque book take to get the WSL longboard tour to emulate his Duct tape events?
All you need to do is start your own event/s and run them to your own rule book with your own mates if need be and when the WSL sees your success they will take on your intelectual property for themselves and make the changes. Can i suggest that next year at the same time as the WSL freshwater Pro, you, Derek even Scales and Bass run an event in the ocean anywhere in the world with any slightly credible surfers you will certainly steal the eyes from Lemore (The Bore). Commentate yourselves and get a few retired hero’s who cant get a gig with the WSL to commentate the event and your away. The “Cocaine and Surfing” pro has a certain ring to it!!!
Oh the wheels are turning!
Here’s hoping running a surf comp is easier than baking a cake
It’s the rare bird in pro surfing that zags. Guys like Dane, Bobby, Bruce, they couldn’t deal with the positive noise BS. Tom Curren, Andy, they dealt with it for a while. Bobby was classic with his “tennis tour” comment. It cost him dollars but hopefully he’s truly a happier soul today. My guess is all the guys* above are happier they kicked out and are doing their own thing.
*RIP AI
Here’s the way to do it Chas: give ’em enough rope.
You’re not Hamlet! Let Elo be Hamlet! Once they start second guessing themselves, they’re doomed.
Oh ELo’s second guessing. Reading every one of these comments and nervously chucking. Hi, buddy!
Since we are going to war
The flag has to be Winnie the Pooh
Eddie Rothman would like his art direction credit at the end.
And, that zink countertop!
Martin Luther disguised himself & went undercover for a bit, to stay alive, but more importantly to keep speaking the good word! His good bud, Lucas Cranach The Elder, painted his likeness, in order to add some credibility to this alias: “Junker Jorg” (w/ rad mutton chops combo beard too!)
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
How the hell did he nail anything to the door with an apes foot for a left hand???
He may have used the right hand of the father …… ? Though you could see him all the way , which will keep the score down … if only he had hammered his way through the backdoor ?
My biggest takeout from all this is the dude can multi-task
Is there a Sanata Monica based bakery that could deliver an “Abolish 189” cake to Wozzle HQ daily? A peaceful frosted chocolate based protest? A GoFundMe page seems an appropriate way to make this happen.