Baby you can be my car...
Baby you can be my car...

Researchers in England declare shark livers as perfect “climate change retarding” alternative fuel sending animal activists into blistering rage!

Ecologically catastrophic. Or is it?

Now, in a conundrum not seen since medieval scholastics debated how many angels could fit on the head of a pin, we have What Would Greta Thunberg Do? An reductio ad absurdum so thickly layered, so powerfully fraught that the most intelligent minds of our day will be driven utterly mad.

To wit, researchers in Newcastle, England just discovered a biofuel cleaner, better, more cost-effective, powerful and theoretically more renewable than old french fry grease. The holy grail? Shangri-la? Let us go ourselves to that Jolly Pendulum and learn.

A new paper by a team of researchers from Newcastle University in England describes a cheaper, if controversial, alternative source for biodiesel: shark livers.

Livers can make up to 30 percent of a shark’s body mass and sharks are a large fraction of by-catch in many fisheries. Since livers are often a waste product of fisheries—and are sometimes even dumped at sea because of their low value—they have potential as an inexpensive source material for biodiesel. As well, extracting the oil is relatively simple. When placed in the sun, the livers melt, releasing the fatty oil that can be mixed with a catalyst and alcohol to make a commercial grade of biodiesel.

While it sounds like a plausible way to use an often-discarded waste product, there are potential problems with the idea. Of primary concern is the difficulty determining the source species for the oil and whether the livers were a byproduct of a legal fishery or the target of an illegal one.

“I would hate to incentivize killing sharks for fuel,” says Adam Harvey, a coauthor of the paper, adding that “if the sharks are already dead, it’s best to get as much a value out of them as possible.”

From an economic standpoint, if a market develops for another use of shark livers, it could contribute to collapsing shark populations, making the potential shark liver biodiesel industry short-lived, cautions Simpfendorfer. From an ecological standpoint, it would be catastrophic. He adds, “the next step is to make sure we don’t dive into this without thinking very critically about it.”

Now, back to dear Greta. I don’t know that she has any great love for sharks and might well sacrifice them for a cooler climate but… if the shark’s decimation could contribute to a catastrophic ecology then I can’t imagine she’d be pleased.



Word of caution, Elon Musk has already been driven utterly mad pondering this enigma.

Raised Fist: Committee for Equity in Women’s Surfing lobby Hawaiian state government for a resolution that will allow women inclusion at Pipeline!

Blue Crushing the man!

Have you ever stopped to consider what our professional surfing world, this professional surfing life, would be without Pipeline? The crown jewel of Oahu’s North Shore gives the professional surf fan our meaning, in many ways. Our raison d’etre and imagine if the World Surf League Championship Tour ended in… Brazil, say. Or Lemoore. Very sad.

Well, as you know, the women do not get to end their season in Pipeline and don’t have any contests there but would like for this harsh Pipe-less reality to be shattered on the shoals of equality. Shall we turn to the sporting website FanSided for more?



Known as the mecca of surfing, the little stretch on the beach on the North Shore of Oahu aka Pipeline has been the home of the last contest on the men’s championship tour (CT) for years. In 2010 women were barred from competing there, having to finish their seasons in other Hawaiian locations such as Honolulu Bay.

Now the women are no longer willing to stand by while the men get to catch the greatest waves in the world. The Committee for Equity in Women’s Surfing along with representative Heidi Tsuneyoshithe are now lobbying for a resolution that will allow women inclusion in the North Shore contests.

Any women’s surfing fan will probably remember the last scene in Blue Crush where Kate Bosworth’s character goes out and secures a monster ride on the legendary surf. The sight has been the motivation for women and girls since the early 2000s, however, in 2010 the ladies of the CT were sent away in order to make more room for the men’s competition.

Do you have any opinions on this one way or the other? Who would you like to see, most, in those Pipeline barrels? Who least? May I offer a suggestion? Overlapping overlapping mixed heats. Tell me that wouldn’t set your heart on fire.

More as the story develops.

Three type sevens, according to Bristol Scale. | Photo: Napoleon Dynamite/MTV Films

VAL update: “Bristol Scale” revealed in response to English wavepool’s anti-kook test!

A scale from one to seven. Where do you appear?

Due to a flood of kooks claiming they could shred, The Wave in Bristol announced last week they’d started testing the “expert” bona fides of surfers booking advanced sessions.

To get into the tank on its highest setting, surfers now have to prove they’re able to:

• Comfortably ride waves above 2.0m
• Paddle in large waves and strong currents
• Duckdive
• Take-off consistently
• Generate speed
• Perform turns
• Negotiate sections
• Demonstrate respectful surf etiquette

A very good criteria.

But what will the actual scores look like?

Will it be a binary pass/fail or will we be graded?

If we’re looking at a grading system then obviously it should be called The Bristol Scale.

Unfortunately, there’s already a Bristol Scale out there, a diagnostic medical tool that classifies human faeces into seven categories.

The holy grail of gut health is to consistently pass types three and four.

And yet…yet…it just works when applied to surfing.

Let’s examine.

Type 1:
There’s some ability hiding somewhere, but this is fucking ugly to watch. Why such a pained expression on your face when you forced that laboured six-stage cutback?

Type 2:
You can throw buckets, but you can’t link your turns for shit. And get real, with your frame you need at least five litres more volume.

Type 3:
Ooooh, now we’re talking! You manage to contain your explosive core with a natural talent we’re all envious of. Raw.

Type 4:
Smooth like a freshly waxed scrotum. All the over-used Curren-related adjectives apply.

Type 5:
You’ve got good flow, but that’s because all you do is cruise in your wanky “state of trim”. Do a proper turn for fuck’s sake. And get off that mid-length. Wait, that you, Dev?

Type 6:
When did they start allowing SUPs in the tub?

Type 7:
DENIED! You’re out of control, all over the place, and your putrid mess is screwing it up for everyone. Please fuck off forever.

Matt George’s guide to aspiring WCT surfers: “Don’t rely on raw talent and be a footnote in history like Dane Reynolds, Chippa Wilson and Craig Anderson!”

Also, get Pipe wired in your teens and "if someone gives you shit, punch them in the mouth. Don't be a pussy."

Having been both intimately and undeniably involved in professional surfing since 1980, having competed within and having been a dues paying member of both the IPS and the ASP and having covered the pro surf scene, including the WSL to date, for over 30 years, I thought I just might offer these seventeen supplemental training tips to the kids:

Decide whether you want to be a great or just be in the game.
No shame in just being in the game, look at Ace Buchan, or Caio Ibelli or any of the middle of the road guys. But if you want to be Kelly, then heed the following steps multiplied by 10. (Or in his case, by 11.)

Learn how to read, write, speak and think in English really well.
Don’t be a dumbass. You have interviews to do. Fans to captivate. Ideas to share.

Homesickness is a deal breaker.
Grow up.

Learn to eat the world’s food and love every bit of it.
You think Kelly Slater just won the Triple crown at 47 years old on Florida home cookin’?

Fall in love with wetsuits.
It’s not called the seven seas for nothing.

Buy a globe, spin it and dream.
Know where you are going, dummy.

Absorb all the classic stories about absolutely everything that has happened on the pro tour both past and present.
Find Nick Carroll.

To hell with drugs and if you must, only drink beer and red wine in moderation.
You want to be John John or dead?

Do not rely on raw talent.
Without hard, obsessive work, guys with raw talent will be professional surfing history’s sidenotes. See: Dane Reynolds, Craig Anderson, Chippa Wilson.

Decide on your goals right now and write them down and stick them to the ceiling of your bedroom right over your pillow so that they are the last thing you see before you go to sleep and the first thing you see when you wake up.
Lazy = Last

Pick a winner, study him, emulate him.
Unless he is Andy Irons, then just kiss your golden career goodbye.

Buy the right people lunch.
Get feedback from them. And unless your Dad is Shane Dorian, parents don’t count.

If someone gives you shit, punch them in the mouth.
Don’t be a pussy.

Get the Banzai Pipeline wired in your teens.
Or forget it.

Take chances.
And forgive yourself for them.

Be fair in all things, but never forget the laws of surfival.
This is not about being a lamb…this is about being a lion.

Do it now.
Kelly Slater won his first world title at 20 years old. Get to work.

Good luck out there.

"1.85 million?" "No. One dollar and eighty five cents." "Cool."
"1.85 million?" "No. One dollar and eighty five cents." "Cool."

The Great Sponsorship Fallacy: Wildly flush, multi-billion dollar mainstream companies pay surfers, skaters, snowboarders pennies on the dollar!

Post-apocalyptic yoga.

Now that the end is officially nigh, the lights turned out, young surfers once brimming with hope, visions of robust contracts dancing in their heads, sent outside penniless to join their snowboard brethren we can/must continue to talk about the post-apocalyptic future. Our own surf ads kicked it off so right yesterday, pointing at an aggressive bicyclist as a potential way forward. I would have liked Jen See’s take there, as she has many toes in that bike world, but will also say that Red Bull’s Rampage, a mountain bike event, is the most exciting extreme sport thing around.

In any case, some out there imagine now that funky, weird surf brands are out of the way big blue chips will come swooping in, checkbooks open wide. Lululemons pouring out millions. Banana Republics just gagging to sponsor Michel Bourez. G-Star Raw. Etc.

I think there is an assumption that these companies (save Banana Republic and G-Star Raw) are successful, have much more money than our funky, weird little surf brands and spend much more when given the opportunity.

Well, I have had the fortune of looking over a few shoulders into the business side of our surf, skate, snow game over the last decade and can say, without exception, non-endemic companies pay pennies on the dollar for professional athletes.

For all the wacky things the surf industry got wrong, it poured money back into the community. The “community” may have meant rococo surf events and parties, bloated magazines, super surf dads and their bratty little air-revo bastard kids but it was still the community. Our community. Non-endemic brands don’t care about the space. They’ll lock a talent up for as short as they possibly can for as little as they possibly can. Every single time.

So when you start seeing Lululemons and Banana Republics, Maui Jims and Men’s Warehouses affixed to boards feel very bad for the surfer riding. Not only is s/he forced into poor fashions but also quite literally poor.

Very quickly, though, who should BeachGrit sponsor in this post-apocalypse?

Who would wave our banner most wonderfully?