A scale from one to seven. Where do you appear?
Due to a flood of kooks claiming they could shred, The Wave in Bristol announced last week they’d started testing the “expert” bona fides of surfers booking advanced sessions.
To get into the tank on its highest setting, surfers now have to prove they’re able to:
• Comfortably ride waves above 2.0m
• Paddle in large waves and strong currents
• Duckdive
• Take-off consistently
• Generate speed
• Perform turns
• Negotiate sections
• Demonstrate respectful surf etiquette
A very good criteria.
But what will the actual scores look like?
Will it be a binary pass/fail or will we be graded?
If we’re looking at a grading system then obviously it should be called The Bristol Scale.
Unfortunately, there’s already a Bristol Scale out there, a diagnostic medical tool that classifies human faeces into seven categories.
The holy grail of gut health is to consistently pass types three and four.
And yet…yet…it just works when applied to surfing.
Let’s examine.
Type 1:
There’s some ability hiding somewhere, but this is fucking ugly to
watch. Why such a pained expression on your face when you forced
that laboured six-stage cutback?
Type 2:
You can throw buckets, but you can’t link your turns for shit. And
get real, with your frame you need at least five litres more
volume.
Type 3:
Ooooh, now we’re talking! You manage to contain your explosive core
with a natural talent we’re all envious of. Raw.
Type 4:
Smooth like a freshly waxed scrotum. All the over-used
Curren-related adjectives apply.
Type 5:
You’ve got good flow, but that’s because all you do is cruise in
your wanky “state of trim”. Do a proper turn for fuck’s sake. And
get off that mid-length. Wait, that you, Dev?
Type 6:
When did they start allowing SUPs in the tub?
Type 7:
DENIED! You’re out of control, all over the place, and your putrid
mess is screwing it up for everyone. Please fuck off forever.
