VAL update: “Bristol Scale” revealed in response to English wavepool’s anti-kook test!

A scale from one to seven. Where do you appear?

Due to a flood of kooks claiming they could shred, The Wave in Bristol announced last week they’d started testing the “expert” bona fides of surfers booking advanced sessions.

To get into the tank on its highest setting, surfers now have to prove they’re able to:

• Comfortably ride waves above 2.0m
• Paddle in large waves and strong currents
• Duckdive
• Take-off consistently
• Generate speed
• Perform turns
• Negotiate sections
• Demonstrate respectful surf etiquette

A very good criteria.

But what will the actual scores look like?

Will it be a binary pass/fail or will we be graded?

If we’re looking at a grading system then obviously it should be called The Bristol Scale.

Unfortunately, there’s already a Bristol Scale out there, a diagnostic medical tool that classifies human faeces into seven categories.

The holy grail of gut health is to consistently pass types three and four.

And yet…yet…it just works when applied to surfing.

Let’s examine.

Type 1:
There’s some ability hiding somewhere, but this is fucking ugly to watch. Why such a pained expression on your face when you forced that laboured six-stage cutback?

Type 2:
You can throw buckets, but you can’t link your turns for shit. And get real, with your frame you need at least five litres more volume.

Type 3:
Ooooh, now we’re talking! You manage to contain your explosive core with a natural talent we’re all envious of. Raw.

Type 4:
Smooth like a freshly waxed scrotum. All the over-used Curren-related adjectives apply.

Type 5:
You’ve got good flow, but that’s because all you do is cruise in your wanky “state of trim”. Do a proper turn for fuck’s sake. And get off that mid-length. Wait, that you, Dev?

Type 6:
When did they start allowing SUPs in the tub?

Type 7:
DENIED! You’re out of control, all over the place, and your putrid mess is screwing it up for everyone. Please fuck off forever.