No large drinks... or musubis.

This Democratic presidential primary season, here in the United States of America, has seen an unprecedented attack on surfers and the surfer way of life. Who would have ever imagined that the party of acceptance, of benevolent social love, would field a candidate as viciously surf hating as Mayor Pete Buttigieg?

As Hillary Clinton before him?

Scary times for us and our families and it would behoove us all, or at least us all Americans, to crowdfund a large piece of property, fortify it, fortify it again then put signs up that declare “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here.”

I’m sorry.

I meant “Keep Country Country.”

But I worry if we build our dreamland in Hawaii it will get bombed off the face of the earth, along with Jon Pyzel* and us, because another Mayor has surged to the lead but this one hates our roots, our Hawaiian roots, and is also merciless and extraordinarily rich.

Mike Bloomberg.

Oh the horrors and… I’m currently in Hawaii right now. I won’t say where but…….. Maui. Working on my air game etc. Working on a very nice tan etc. And Hawaii’s time zone allowed me to watch last night’s Democratic presidential primary debate live feat. Mike Bloomberg for the very first time which terrified.

Students of history will recall that Bloomberg outlawed extra-large sodas when he was mayor of New York. A personal, deep-seated vendetta. A violent bloodlust.

Students of surf will know that Hawaiians favor extra-large sodas to all other sizes as well as Spam Musubi.

Spam Musubi is, no kidding, my favorite food.

But back to extra-large sodas. I fear, truly, that if Mayor Bloomberg becomes President Bloomberg his first official act will be to bomb Hawaii off the face of the earth.

We cannot let that happen.

SOS!

Save our Spam (Musubi).

*Do think Jon Pyzel ever considered changing his name, slightly, to John Pyzel in order to form the Super Team John John John Florence?

No more Gorkin Flips.

Floridians have long become accustomed to three things: Voter fraud, heart-attacks via combination of Hooter’s spicy wings and hooters, amputation via alligator, Castro hating, bad math, Gorkin Flips and shark nibbles via curious blacktip sharks.

Oh those blacktips ain’t mean, ain’t vicious at all, just bi-curious, and in this day and age is that so wrong?

A crime?

Absolutely not but a larger menace has arrived and refuses to vacate.

Great White sharks.

And it had always been assumed that the extra-vicious “man-eaters” only passed by the Sunshine State en route to somewhere better, either north or south, but just-released data suggests that they are staying put, much like elderly New Yorkers and let us go to the News Press for the absolute latest.

Several large tagged white sharks have “pinged” off the Sunshine State coast in recent weeks, with a handful popping up in the Atlantic Ocean and more recently in the Gulf of Mexico.

It’s nothing new to nature, but it is novel to Florida folklore, which has commonly said white sharks don’t come here.

“I hear from people all the time who are excited because Florida now has white sharks,” said Tyler Bowling, program manager for the University of Florida’s International Shark Attack File, “but they’ve always been here.”

The OCEARCH sharks that have recently pinged in Florida waters range from the 11 foot, 6 inch male known as Nova to the smaller 8-foot, 9-inch male called Brunswick.

Both pinged well offshore of Southwest Florida this month. A third recently pinged off the Panhandle.

Coronavirus or Great White? Floridians are going to be taken down by one of the two, or maybe both, seeing that many cruise ship also abuse the state.

If you were allowed to choose, which would you pick? Death by toothy beast or death by Carnival?

Much to ponder.

Multi-millions!

I once attended an extremely exclusive investment/financial conference in Miami. The founder of the event loved throwing curve balls at the attendees, a various assortment of the world’s richest men and most savvy investors, and I was that year’s Uncle Charlie, invited to interview General David Petraeus on stage.

After my duties were done, I mingled freely, trying to glean any insight I could as to how to actually make money. I chatted with some principal of some high-end firm and told him that everything investment-wise I ever touched turned to dust, every spark of inspiration I ever had was exactly wrong.

He told me that I was extremely valuable in his field and there was even a name for it which eludes me now but something like a canary in a coal mine. Someone who gets things so wrong at such a high frequency, has such bad instincts, that others can do the opposite and win.

It made me feel good.

Two years ago, BeachGrit‘s great business mind, Jazzy P, told me that Kanoa Igarashi was going to explode and become the face of surfing. I snorted so loudly that it shook the room.

Kanoa Igarashi?

Yeah right.

Today, the very mainstream New York Times confirmed that Kanoa is, indeed, the face of surfing and becoming very rich to boot, keeping my losing streak alive.

Some bites.

-With a back story ripped from a Hollywood script, crossover charisma and surfing skill that would impress Duke Kahanamoku, Kanoa Igarashi is riding a wave of opportunity that could carry him to Olympic gold and the sport to new heights.

-Last year with surfing’s Olympic introduction picking up buzz, Igarashi’s income hit $2 million, according to Bloomberg.

-Engaging, cool, distractingly polite, multi-lingual and accomplished, Igarashi is an endorser’s dream.

-Duke Kahanamoku is widely regarded as the father of surfing, even though he won five Olympic medals in swimming including gold at the 1912 and 1920 Games, while American Kelly Slater is seen as its greatest champion with 11 world titles. In between, however, there had been no transcendent figure, and the sport is hungry for its next one.

-Underscoring his crossover potential, you are just as likely to spot Igarashi in a GQ magazine photo spread as on surfing websites in ads for surf wear apparel company Quiksilver.

-If Igarashi’s story wasn’t compelling enough, the Olympics will bring it full circle when he competes for Olympic gold at the same Tsurigasaki-kaigan beaches where his father surfed growing up.

Etc.

So, are you going to push your chips onto Igarashi? Should I destroy the young man’s potential by pushing my chips on too?

More as the story develops.

"It is believed the suspect was under the influence of marijuana and hallucinogenic drugs."

Over the course of any surfing contest, when any Brazilian is in the water, announcers will use the word “passion” 150% more and if that announcer is Joe Turpel that number skyrockets to an almost unbelievable 2500%.

Well, a non-Brazlian surfer from La Jolla competing in a surf contest in Morro Bay, California allegedly left the water during his heat, made his way to the parking lot and attacked an elderly woman, knocking her to the ground and getting in some good cracks before bystanders intervened.

Per San Diego’s local news:

In a press release, officials said Brian Robert Sprinkle, 39, of La Jolla, “was participating in a surf competition when he exited the water and assaulted the woman without provocation.”

Sprinkle was booked in the San Luis Obispo County Jail on felony charges of elder abuse and battery, according to Morro Bay police.

It is believed the suspect was under the influence of marijuana and hallucinogenic drugs, police said in a statement.

Extremely odd, no? Extreme passion and I do feel very bad for the woman but also feel bad that Joe Turpel, currently on vacation, was not in the booth calling the action.

“And Pottz, it looks like the surfer in blue is leaving the water and headed to the parking lot and…..”

Should we make this a Mad Lib?