Coronavirus Common Sense: Save a life; buy BeachGrit merchandise at apocalyptically low prices!

Benevolence personified.

If there is one thing all medical professionals, healthcare workers, doctors and scientists agree upon it is that the best way to curb the spread of the insidious Chinese Virus (i.e. Coronavirus, Covid-19) is to give other human beings wide berth.

No social gatherings.

No friendly chats in parking lots.

No hugs, handshakes, fist bumps, high fives, low fives.

And the best way to keep other people far, far away?

Via a BeachGrit t-shirt, sticker, air freshener, tail pad of course.

Our motto, you well know, is “anti-depressive.”

You also know well that people who enjoy BeachGrit, even people who know people who enjoy BeachGrit, are toxically feminine.

Whatever the opposite of “woke” is.

Hated, more or less.

Nobody even likes us and the natural inclination is to cut wide right whilst we march in a straight line and, thus, we are provided with a unique opportunity to save lives.

To keep people virus free.

Every item in the BeachGrit store is currently running at 50% off. Buy a t-shirt for your best friend and save his life. Buy an air-freshener for your boyfriend and save his life. Mostly buy the Covid-19 Survival Pack, gift it to your aging parents and help them see another year.

Benevolence personified.

Highly anti-depressive.


Binge!

Public Service: Since you are stuck indoors, alone, depressed, scared you might watch some surf film!

A fine idea.

(Surf film is currently experiencing a golden age and since you are stuck indoors, alone, depressed, scared it will be a fine time to watch some. The following piece appears in the latest Surfer’s Journal. Subscribe here.)

At the last surf film screening I attended, I expected to be horrified and perhaps sickened by what I had been told would happen to the directors. Everything I’d read online about modern surf film insisted that it was a stupid, brutal, outdated business. Most surf journalists who wrote of surf film condemned the genre as utterly dead and worthless.

Even those who wrote well of it, as a historically significant exercise, deplored actually screening new films and were apologetic about the whole thing. The public shaming of the directors, in what were certain to be empty theaters—nobody there because nobody watches surf films anymore—was considered inevitable.I suppose that from a modern point of view, an Instagram point of view, the whole surf film charade is silly.

Who has time for anything more than a minute long? The best clips aren’t held for some archaic, long-form nonsense. They are instantly run up the flagpole, gathering likes and starry-eyed emojis by the megabyte, bringing a euphoric sense of self that psychologists at Cosmopolitan refer to as the “reward cycle.”Likes and starry-eyed emojis trigger the same dopamine receptors as winning money or eating chocolate, Cosmopolitan’s psychologists say. Likes and starry-eyed emojis, or sometimes heart-eyed emojis, that come straight from the user to the surfer himself or herself.

There is no need to wait months or years for clapping hands, loud whistles and “yew” shouts. No need for anything to be filtered through a director.I should not try to defend surf film or the surf film director, but I must tell honestly the things I have found to be true. I went to the Florida Surf Film Festival to see surf films and write about the various films for myself.

I thought they would be simple, boring, outdated, stupid, and that I would not like them very much. But I still had to go and learn and know what modern surf film truly felt like. I had to keep my eyes open, longer than a minute, and force my attention span to track along. I couldn’t allow myself to turn away when the directors went on stage to introduce their various surf films, gazing out at an audience of four who all also happen to be surf film directors.

Also, I went because I accidentally directed a surf film that would be playing at the festival, the second accidental surf film that I accidentally directed, and being on stage and gazing out at an audience of three who all happen to be sound engineers or possibly producers, letting the shame wash over me, would be a valuable exercise no matter how horrifying and sickening.

(Finish here!)

And subscribe to The Surf Network then binge ’til your eyes fall out!


Surfing’s Olympic debut in peril as jealous swimmers, track athletes push Games’ postponement over fear of losing spotlight to “young, sexy sport!”

Can't we all just get along?

And there it was, all teed up, ducks in a row, ready, aim, fire for surfing to finally, finally, finally emerge from the shadows and take its rightful place as World’s Best, Most Popular Sport. The Tokyo Olympic debut would, without doubt, vault it over tired, old sports like running in circles or swimming in straight lines. The “flair” and “panache” would be undeniable. Spectators would see, feel for themselves what the 8k – 10k surfing fans dotted around the world have known for years.

“You can’t script this.”

Also, “It takes a tour to make a title.”

Alas, no crowning of a new king, no naming of a new Pope, occurs without palace intrigue and in a stunning move it appears that swimmers and track + field athletes have colluded in order to keep professional competitive surfing marginalized and confusing.

Per ESPN:

USA Track & Field is joining USA Swimming in calling for the U.S. Olympic & Paralympic Committee to push for a postponement of the Tokyo Olympics.

In a letter tweeted by the USATF on Saturday, CEO Max Siegel wrote that it would be challenging for athletes to “properly train in a safe and adequate environment” amid the worldwide coronavirus pandemic.

“We acknowledge that there are no perfect answers, and that this is a very complex and difficult decision,” Siegel wrote, “but this position at least provides our athletes with the comfort of knowing that they will have adequate time to properly prepare themselves physically, mentally and emotionally to be able to participate in a safe and successful Olympic Games.”

USA Track did not provide a timeline for a postponement, unlike USA Swimming CEO Tim Hinchey, who wrote to the USOPC on Friday asking it to pursue a one-year Games postponement.

That means the sports that accounted for 65 of America’s 121 medals and 175 of its 554 athletes at the last Summer Games are on record in urging, in Siegel’s words, “the USOPC, as a leader within the Olympic Movement, to use its voice and speak up for the athletes.”

The leader of the third sport that makes up the backbone of the Olympics — gymnastics — has sent a survey to athletes, asking for their thoughts on what the USA Gymnastics stance should be.

If those surveys are made public I know what they will read.

Biggest fear:

1) Losing sexy to surfing

2) Coronavirus pandemic

It’s a shame that running, swimming and soon gymnastics can’t be more magnanimous.


Police arrive at Bondi Beach to enforce ban.

Hedonists punished: State government shuts Bondi Beach to public after social media hysteria, effective immediately!

Jackboot comes down on happy beachgoers.

Following a sparkling day at Bondi Beach where the temperature scratched one hundred degrees (38 c) and tanned bodies lay everywhere in seductive piles thereby failing to implement “social distancing”, and the subsequent outrage on social media, the NSW government has shuttered the famous beach to the public.

Here’s a taste of the outrage.

Such wrath from the vulgar bourgeoise.

In response and with social media now driving public policy, the NSW government said it was shutting down the beach, effective immediately.

From the national broadcaster,

The closure is temporary and the measure will extend to other beaches if social-distancing rules, which have banned non-essential outdoor gatherings of more than 500 people, are being flouted.

NSW Police Minister David Elliott ordered the beach to be shut on Saturday afternoon.

I just walked down to examine how the ban is being implemented.

Scores of cops on horses? Temporary fences?

And what counts as the beach, the sand to the high-water mark? The grassy bits? The neighbourhood bars and yoga studios, currently brimful?

No official response on the ground yet.

Will report as it happens.

Meanwhile, four-foot, low-tide closeouts pound a straight sandbank.

Could be good on the late high.

Will paddle around from behind Icebergs, least crowded day of the year I would suggest.

Update: Cops arriving to patrol beach access. Lifeguards have ordered the smattering of people off the beach; clubbies in inflatable raft ordered surfers, including me, out of the water.

Other beaches could follow, warns the government, if people remain “defiant.”

No word, yet, on how long the ban will remain in effect, perhaps once the people can prove they’re no longer defiant etc.

Police arrive at Bondi Beach to enforce ban.

 


Bristol’s The Wave closed until May 1: “We will overcome this challenge together!”

The Wuhan Wheeze strikes at the heart of British surfing.

Four weeks after announcing it was going to introduce a $200-an-hour three-foot setting for “highly experienced and proficient surfers” and two months after introducing mandatory skill-testing to smoke out the kooks, Bristol’s The Wave has shut its doors until May 1 to keep the Wuhan Wheeze at bay.

(Lest we forget those other Chinese classics, H1N1, Bird Flu and SARS.)

The company’s CEO Craig Stoddart released a prepared statement,

In part,

“Based on the latest Government guidance regarding the Coronavirus outbreak we have taken the difficult decision to temporarily close The Wave from end of play on Thursday 19th March to 1st May. The health and wellbeing of our staff and customers is of the utmost importance to us. 

“The closure affects all areas of the site and if people have a surf booked during this period then they’ll be contacted by email with information on next steps. This is a rapidly evolving situation and we will be keeping everyone updated on developments via our website, newsletters and social media pages.

“These are uncertain and testing times for everyone, and we will overcome this challenge, together.

It’s been a difficult birth for the British pool, the first of the commercial Wavegarden Cove’s to open to the public, from underwhelming waves to a licensing system to a $200-an-hour setting that, paradoxically, was open to anyone with the cash thereby causing much anguish with the pool’s patrons.

£95 an hour🤣 surf the Canary Islands for less.

That’s £95 for the day right? Not for an hour

Meanwhile, in Melbourne, Urbnsurf continues to take bookings and is mostly sold out, although there are a couple of seats for the nine pm session tomoz night.

Sign up here.