Breaking: World’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater makes inspiring Coronavirus “Instagram Live” with urban folk singer Citizen Cope!

For me. For you. Come on, get happy!

I am not good at Instagram, nor fluent, but fate had me in my messages when the benevolent @socalgary wrote “Kelly live on instagram” and posted a link that featured Kelly Slater live on Instagram chatting with urban folk singer Citizen Cope.

Immediately, I placed my drink on the zinc counter and began typing their dialog with the understanding that I would form up some proper story later.

I have since had another drink and here are the raw notes from watching a portion of Kelly Slater and Citizen Cope’s Instagram live.

Can you find a story herein?

What would it be?

Otherwise, bon appetite.

Kelly: “If you ever look at the Darwin awards you see injuries worse than mine.”

“Kelly’s friend: “Give you all the money in my pocket if you can do a backflip off tramp.”

Kelly: “Under-rotated. Worried about landing on butt. Gonna put feet down but worried about breaking toes so busted all the cartilage in kneecaps. My five bones in my knees didn’t fuse to one, they fused to three. Went to doctor got an x-ray. Gonna cast you for three weeks. Mom, EMT ‘That’s not a break.’ Tripartite patella…”

…something something.

Kelly: “Struggled with that for four years.”

Kelly: “Won first world title with hurt knee.”

Kelly: “School should be a lot shorter because it has been proven that people only have 20 minutes worth of learning.”

Kelly: “I was doing math with them and they were doing common core math and I was like who the hell did this? This is stupid! I was completely baffled by how they were doing math. Don’t bring that around anymore. Don’t do that.”

Kelly: “Wavepool is I think doing good. I think shut. I haven’t checked in so I don’t know.”

Kelly: “I look around at the surf world, my world, so many more people in the water and every company’s got no money. Don’t these people have to buy something from someone?”

Long song by Citizen Cope… staring into camera all awkward etc. Kelly took it like a champ. An absolute champ. I’ve never seen someone watch someone sing a song better.

Kelly: “I used to play When Doves Cry. So simple little songs. Same with Jack’s songs. So simple you can keep up for sure.”

Kelly: “Writing a song, meditation lasts for a few months or years.”

Kelly: “That mayor up there (in Washington D.C.) didn’t help. He was there banging chicks in hotel room.”

Citizen Cope: “Well…We all loved Mayor Berry. He was doing a bunch of good stuff.”

(Kelly starts washing his hands then pours a cup of water totally destroying the sound and making Citizen Cope’s face sad.)

Then I went for another drink.

The LA Times did…what?

Fake news: Scripps scientist Kim ‘wants to yell out her window at every surfer’ Prather says LA Times “retaught me the meaning of out of context”

“As soon as I saw the article, I called the reporter and pointed out how slanted and out of context it was…”

If I had a dollar for every time a subject said I misquoted ‘em, oowee, I’d be dining, nightly, on civet, otter and wolf puppies, sourced from the finest Chinese wet market.

But, knowing media, as I do, having seen the machinations and dirty dealings of major newspapers, I know how often journalists bend words to fit their own narrative.

Over the last few days, we’ve had a little sport with Scripps scientist Kim Prather who was quoted in The LA Times as saying, “I wouldn’t go in the water for a million dollars” and “It’s not going to kill you if you miss a few surfing sessions, but it could if you go out there and get in the wrong air.”

Read herehere

and here.

But, sounds like she got screwed.

Yesterday, Prather wrote a lengthy screed on her Facebook page lamenting the pitiful state of journalism,

My week was made even crazier by a reporter who re-taught me the meaning of “out of context”. For those who read it, the LA Times article was a major disappointment — and caused some people extra angst which is not needed right now.

It is sad to me that the article was written in a way that invoked more fear in people. The reason I talk about science with the public is to alleviate fear–not spread it. Words in the article like “dangerous” and “fear” were used to describe how I supposedly felt-but these were not my words. Our interview was not an interview of “fear”–it was an interview discussing things to help the public be more careful and a new research project. Now the story has evolved to headlines like “Scientist says coronavirus is at the beach”–this is not something I said nor is it in the article. We are in a new world of journalism — one that I will be careful about ever engaging in again.

And that quote about not going in the ocean for a million bucks? Prather was talking about sewage.

In another part of the conversation, we discussed all of the pollution run-off that gets into the ocean especially after the rains we have had. It is well documented that our oceans become polluted at times–many here in SD are quite polluted now. There is also sewage in the ocean. The point I was trying to make was I would not go in the ocean (here in SD) where it is polluted right now nor would I go to the crowded beaches. As I suspected would happen that quote about not going in the ocean has now been used for many headlines around the world–turns out it was excellent “clickbait”.

Read whole thing here.


Surfer (pictured) acting like one.
Surfer (pictured) acting like one.

FBI Warning: Millions of Zoom users “bombed” with unwanted pornography, “banned and bored surf locals” suspected!

"Inappropriate and disturbing."

You have, in this quarantine week three, been forced onto a Zoom call. The video communication remote conferencing service freely downloaded and easily used. Were you impressed by the technology? Wowed at how the person speaking would automatically have their image pushed to the front whilst everyone else, nodding and chin rubbing, were made smaller?

A snapshot of the future, certainly but danger lurks just below the fancy exterior danger lurks.

Danger and discomfort.

Shall we turn to National Public Radio for more?

Dennis Johnson fell victim last week to a new form of harassment known as “Zoombombing,” in which intruders hijack video calls and post hate speech and offensive images such as pornography. It’s a phenomenon so alarming that the FBI has issued a warning about using Zoom.

Like many people these days, Johnson is doing a lot of things over the Internet that he would normally do in person. Last week, he defended his doctoral dissertation in a Zoom videoconference.

He had a big audience — he estimated it was about 40 people, including “my closest friends, family and my classmates and my dissertation committee” at California State University, Long Beach, he said.

It was in the middle of presenting when someone started drawing male genitalia on the screen. At first, Johnson said, he was not sure what was happening.

“I’m like, ‘Whoa!’ And then I freeze, and everyone who’s watching the screen freezes,” he said.

Zoombombers have disrupted an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in New York, Sunday school in Texas, online classes at the University of Southern California and a city meeting in Kalamazoo, Mich.

With schools closed and millions of people working from home, Zoom has become wildly popular. The company said 200 million people used the app on a daily basis in March, up from just 10 million in December. But that newfound popularity is bringing new scrutiny.

The FBI is warning schools, in particular, to be careful.

“The FBI has received multiple reports of conferences being disrupted by pornographic and/or hate images and threatening language,” the bureau’s Boston office said this week.

But we all know who finds male genitalia the most funny. We also know who suddenly has the most time on their hands.

Surf locals.

Banned and bored in New Zealand, much of California, parts of Australia, South Africa and France.

When the FBI gets involved, though, it is no longer a laughing matter lest we allow Bodhi to have died in vain.



Opinion: The worldwide, draconian lockdown on surfing gives us all a wonderful chance to re-discover our rebel yell!

Surfing is not a crime.

Since the day of its creation, the outside world has distrusted skaters and entirely loathed the act of skateboarding itself, deeming it illegal on most streets and sidewalks.

As if that wasn’t enough, with time came evolved means to stopping skaters dead in their tracks; be it fines, arrests, skate stoppers, security guards, iconic spots destroyed daily, occasional hero-syndromed citizens, just to name a few.

All the while surfers got to pursue their board sport entirely uninterrupted or at least until now.

If there’s one good side to this, worldwide draconian lockdown on our favorite pastime it’s that surfers and skaters may now have a tighter bond and something to drain a few tins over. Namely, a blatant disrespect for any law officer/overly concerned citizen or sign telling us we can’t ride our chosen crafts freely.

Who knows, maybe this signals the beginning of a decline in surfings wall of positive noise, as one by one surfers around the world start taking a page out of skaters book.

Saying fuck you to who ever wants to stop us and going for broke anyways.

Quarantine in Style: World’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater releases new bedroom collection for teenaged boys and girls!

For the GOAT Jr. in your life.

Let’s face it, at the rate this is all going, we are going to be locked indoors for the foreseeable future. And when we are finally allowed to congregate again it will be for a very short time as Coronavirus 2.0 will lock us back indoors once again. Coronavirus 3.0 after that and so on.

Oh, if we’re grim and dour about it all then the Coronavirus wins and we can’t let that happen so what are our options? What shall we then to do?

Redecorate our indoors, of course, and as if prescient, the world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater just released a new bedroom collection for teenaged boys and girls with slightly upper-middle class retailer Pottery Barn.

Shall we feast our eyes?

Mmmmm. Sea foam green, no? And a very humongous faux wood mid-length. Very Surf Ranch. Very Lemoore with a chair reminiscent of 1970s era swinger parties but do you think that’s an appropriate look for teenagers? Something they should be encouraged to partake in?


Also, as a writer, I am slightly concerned by the placement of the books very high on a reclaimed wooden rafter. How are the teenagers supposed to read them?

Otherwise, I give this quarantine look an 8.2, well into the excellent range, and am extremely impressed by Kelly Slater’s understanding of the teenaged mind.

But what about you? How do you feel?