For me. For you. Come on, get happy!
I am not good at Instagram, nor fluent, but fate had me in my messages when the benevolent @socalgary wrote “Kelly live on instagram” and posted a link that featured Kelly Slater live on Instagram chatting with urban folk singer Citizen Cope.
Immediately, I placed my drink on the zinc counter and began typing their dialog with the understanding that I would form up some proper story later.
I have since had another drink and here are the raw notes from watching a portion of Kelly Slater and Citizen Cope’s Instagram live.
Can you find a story herein?
What would it be?
Otherwise, bon appetite.
Kelly: “If you ever look at the Darwin awards you see injuries worse than mine.”
“Kelly’s friend: “Give you all the money in my pocket if you can do a backflip off tramp.”
Kelly: “Under-rotated. Worried about landing on butt. Gonna put feet down but worried about breaking toes so busted all the cartilage in kneecaps. My five bones in my knees didn’t fuse to one, they fused to three. Went to doctor got an x-ray. Gonna cast you for three weeks. Mom, EMT ‘That’s not a break.’ Tripartite patella…”
…something something.
Kelly: “Struggled with that for four years.”
Kelly: “Won first world title with hurt knee.”
Kelly: “School should be a lot shorter because it has been proven that people only have 20 minutes worth of learning.”
Kelly: “I was doing math with them and they were doing common core math and I was like who the hell did this? This is stupid! I was completely baffled by how they were doing math. Don’t bring that around anymore. Don’t do that.”
Kelly: “Wavepool is I think doing good. I think shut. I haven’t checked in so I don’t know.”
Kelly: “I look around at the surf world, my world, so many more people in the water and every company’s got no money. Don’t these people have to buy something from someone?”
Long song by Citizen Cope… staring into camera all awkward etc. Kelly took it like a champ. An absolute champ. I’ve never seen someone watch someone sing a song better.
Kelly: “I used to play When Doves Cry. So simple little songs. Same with Jack’s songs. So simple you can keep up for sure.”
Kelly: “Writing a song, meditation lasts for a few months or years.”
Kelly: “That mayor up there (in Washington D.C.) didn’t help. He was there banging chicks in hotel room.”
Citizen Cope: “Well…We all loved Mayor Berry. He was doing a bunch of good stuff.”
(Kelly starts washing his hands then pours a cup of water totally destroying the sound and making Citizen Cope’s face sad.)
Then I went for another drink.
Yer, I get it. Best way to handle it may have been to just let things take their course, let herd immunity happen, business open etc.
I’m just pointing out that from a political position of wanting to remain in the good books with the majority of the voting populous, doing nothing wasn’t really an option.
Ergo, hedge your bets with shutdowns to be acting to mitigate the immediate threat and stimulus packages to try to ward of the future threat.
Because in order to try to stop health systems from being overwhelmed governments has to act decisively. They didn’t have time to allow business to figure out different strategies to adapt.
You honestly think a bunch of conservative governments ( U.S., U.K., Australia) who position and market themselves as good economic managers wanted to crash their economies?
Like I said above, it was a political judgment call. Do nothing, have health care systems fail and allow people to die and cop the election backlash, or enact measures, sacrifice some people’s livelihoods but not their own, and try to keep the economy on life support with stimulus measures.
One way they lose their jobs, the other way other people do, with the upside of helps save lives.
Also, on a practical level, their isn’t enough detergent and hand sanitizer to go around now, let alone if every business needed it.
Can you imagine the political fallout on a leader of a nation who didn’t act and put in place measures to try to limit the spread of a virus that overwhelmed a nations healthcare system?
In every one of those cases governments and society implement practices and policies to try to mitigate their impact.
Doesnt Kelly have a daughter to comfort/protect in these uneasy times?
Funny you mention that. I watched his HBO movie and not once did anyone bring her up. My kids are the most awesome part of my life and to exclude them from my story would be weird
They probably edited it all out and threw it off a cliff.
What about your wife?
Haha!Yeah her too. Fuck I’m an arsehole
Yep – Taylor Slater @taylrsltr (Instagram) and http://www.taylorslater.com
Not sure he had a big impact on her upbringing, but she calls him dad.
Kelly’s opinions on public education are about as useful as a fart in an elevator.
My highlight was kelly calling the guy “cope” the whole time like a second class citizen.
I heard they did a number on them but
Kelly: “I look around at the surf world, my world, so many more people in the water and every company’s got no money. Don’t these people have to buy something from someone?” ____ Yes, they do have to buy something—-Wax…….
Oh yeah I forgot to say, that citizen cope guy sure looks like a sack of shit.
Anyone who self-identifies as an ‘urban folk singer’ and has a queer as fuck haircut teamed with a funny goatee thing looks like he can barely cope as a citizen anyway…
Well, I agree with ya, beef.
And apart from the queer as fuck haircut, Ima gonna throw that well known surf crooner, our old pal Kelly in that category as well
Heck yes
Though I’ve ragged out on him sooo much and been banned off the other sites for my regular rants so thought I’d give him a break today haha (but is obviously guilty by association anyway hahaha)
It’s all good, bro !
When one of us feels a little tired – there are other cuzzies to help out !
Chur
He definitely looks worried about something in that photo…
Citizen Cope out of coke?
It looks like a Narcotics Anonymous FaceTime meeting screenshot.
And someones about to be sprung for not being exactly honest about their ‘clean today’ claim…
Narcotics Anonymous ZOOM meeting screenshot.
This is year 2020, the future is now. ZOOM. I repeat-ZOOM
Facetime is so 2019.
Plus, I would welcome random porn popping up in any of my video chats.
Zoom wins by a mile. Even though I had never even heard about it a couple days ago.
Why can’t Beachgrit’s pop up ads be porn also? Those wouldn’t get old so quickly.
Zoom dweeble! Beach grit zoom would be intense but then some of the mystery would be gone.
Yes a mate called me on the video call the other day
I found it quite disconcerting…
We did it with my east coast in-laws. Cocktail hour session and I caught feelings for my hot sister in law
I thought it was Ashton at first.
Certainly has that look
The honest truth may not be popular with the masses, but it’s still the truth.
Amid all the covid crazy spare a thought for Fijians right now.
They could cop an absolute flogging over the next 24 hours or so.
Didn’t they do the research for Chas’ previous book to The Yemeni Years?
Haha, currently writing a screenplay about Kelly running Purps, which he fills with his own diarrhea (actually been working on awhile now), and was thinking about who I would cast to play him. Originally I had Vern Troyer in mind to play the part (which shows how long I been working on it), but since that can’t happen, I was thinkin’ maybe Woody Harrelson (thanks whoever that was in the comments), Matt George (terrible acting, somehow worse personality, but possibly perfect), or David Alan Grier in whiteface… it’s getting there, I think I’m on the right track…
Zoom
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Zoomed
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Oh well that’s the closest I’ll ever get to what sounds like an awful thing to watch and listen to…
If Kelly had no knowledge of maths – how did the wave pool get built???Maybe Webber had all the maths skills in the early days??
By getting other people to do the work and then putting his name on it, like everything he’s always done…(apart from riding waves)
He hired scientists who can do math and design shit.,, and paid them lots of money.
Kelly is a narcissistic megalomaniac
Give it a rest now.
I’m starting to think Chas and Derek think Kelly was the one who waxed “Fuck off Kooks” on the front window of BeachGrits HQ.
Does beachgrit have an HQ ?
Yes, with a set of beautiful identical triplets from Columbia at front reception.
I actually meant an HQ Holden haha, but can I have the address for their headquarters ? (and I’ll buy the car to take the girls for a twirl)
One to hear now evil,one to see no evil and the other to convince the other two to do much evil?
Does Kelly Slater have an IQ?
I suppose they’re just fishing hoping hell bite.
But the good cop bad cop thing ain’t workin.
Try smthn else
Like money
Or another statue
Glad to lend a hand with the heads up. The co-Instagram live was pure Ke11y… Intriguing, captivating (but only part of the time), super awkward at times (when the conversation started to wane), frustrating because he did not say much about anything we really wanted to know, but i could not take my eyes away.
I will now consider myself an unpaid, co-producer for the site, please let Derek know. I only ask for a signed collection of the Chas Smith book trio.
Oh well, cheers
At least someone took one for the team, and am sorry for the pain you must no doubt be feeling in your sockets, hopefully it won’t lead to any permanent ocular problems (just glad it wasn’t me haha)