"There are bigger things to worry about than a damn virus, Charlie. There's Commies somewhere out there. They're worse than anyone. I heard they eat babies and have sex with dogs. I mean, like, that's bad, right?" | Photo: Derek Rielly

Listen: Master shaper Matt “Mayhem” Biolos on Californian life under the “commie” Jackboot; the perfection of pure Marxism; getting drunk watching Larry David!

A virtual three-way! Episode five of podcast, Dirty Water.

Yesterday, on a warm Californian spring afternoon, the writer Chas Smith, the shaper Matt “Mayhem” Biolos and I took our places around our computing machines for a virtual three-way.

This is hardly ideal, given myriad distractions, in Biolos’ case a modest crowd throwing dishes back and forth and someone, a child I think, doing gymnastics, but we got a little something in the course of the conversation, I think.

We ask Biolos,

What he hates about communism and socialism now that the capitalist west is on its knees, head on the block, with the CCP’s blade on our necks; if he is voting for Bad Grandpa or Pinky Trump in the November election; to tell the story of the time he broke Jon Pyzel’s heart; if Johnny Cabianca and Timmy Patterson are the world’s most underrated shapers; the five best boards he’s owned…

…and a few more things he hits with gusto.

Strike button below.

Or here. 

Rate Dirty Water on Apple podcasts, if y’don’t mind. Top five funniest reviews win tail-pad and t-shirt and air freshener impregnated with our specially formulated Heartbreak Beach™ scent that is both sweet and sickly.

Watch: “Covid crazed” Great White shark first attempts to eat bodyboarder before turning vicious wrath on surfer!

"This is the type of event that happens every day..."

But did you read the very new report that this mad, mad novel Coronavirus can live on eyeballs for weeks at a time?


First we lost dominion over our hands, then we lost charge of our mouths/noses and now eyeballs are evil carriers of the world’s most deadly disease ever.


And it must be assumed that the sinister Covid-19 does not discriminate re. eyeballs. That a bat’s are as good as a human’s are as good as a Great White Shark but let us travel, at once, to Ballina there in Australia’s New South Wales. A place that teems with man-eaters even during non-pandemic times. Let us witness what happens when a crazed beast mixes amongst socially distant bodyboarders and surfers.


Close call or just normal? @nsw_sharksmart
Curious white shark amongst surfers is normal.
During our research we saw some amazing footage. In this instance the swell was pumping at Ballina on the NSW north coast. There were plenty of surfers out and our research pilot from @scoutaerial filmed this footage of a white shark (great white to most) checking out some surfers.
It had already made its way past many surfers but decide to visit the first body boarder then the surfer. If that’s you on that surfboard we would love to hear from you.
Our research has shown that white sharks tend to swim in perfect straight lines along our beaches but if there us something in the water they love to see what it is.
After this ‘interaction’ the shark made its way further along the beach and out to see. .
This is the type of event that happens every day but we don’t have drones in the sky to see.
Our drone program has learnt a lot in the last five years with @nsw_dpi Dr Paul Butcher and #southerncrossuni PhD candidate Andrew Colefax leading the way to use drones as a non lethal bather protection tool as used by @slsnsw now and a device to collect behavioural data.

All research out the window now, though.

Damned Wuhan.

Which would have been tastier though? Bodyboarder or surfer?

I, for one, would prefer a bodyboarder’s thick, juicy thighs and buttocks over a surfer’s emaciated cocaine-riddled sinews.


More as the story develops.

Igarashi's clever not-going-surfing red herring, as it appeared on Instagram. | Photo: @kanoaigarashi

Portugal turns on adopted surf hero Kanoa Igarashi: “(He’s) Shitting on everything!”

World number six has car tyres slashed, warnings of beat-downs etc..

Portuguese surfers, including at least one of its noted pros, have turned on the Japan-born, US-raised, Dior Homme sponsored Kanoa Igarashi, a resident of Portugal since he was eighteen.

Kanoa, who is twenty-two, has lived, on and off, in a beachfront mansion at Ericeria, on Portugal’s west coast and just north of its capital, Lisbon, ever since he “felt a really positive energy” after a junior contest there.

As he told a local magazine, “The food is amazing; the people are so welcoming, so happy, I think the quality of life is really good. I travel all year, I really know these things, when a place is good or bad, there is something special here, whenever I leave Portugal I leave with more energy.”

Well, as we all know, that energy ain’t always of the happy sort.

Now, and as reported by Paul Evans for Wavelength magazine, locals have turned on Igarashi for surfing outside his postcode, despite a clever, although perhaps accidental, red herring on his Instagram account.

From Wavelength,

There has been much less of a debate as to whether anybody should be driving up and down the coast in the hunt for a wave, an apparent area of consensus among surfers.

So when world no.6 Kanoa Igarashi felt the ire of Peniche locals earlier this month, driving to the area’s more secluded breaks to surf and getting all 4 tyres slashed while in the water, you might have expected the Lisbon-based Japanese surfer to stick closer to home.

And yet apparently undeterred by the incident, reports came through this week that Igarashi drove the 400km from his home in Cascais to surf in the Algarve, where he was met with further disapproval from members of the local surfing community.

Former CT surfer Marlon Lipke reposted a video on his IG showing Kanoa surfing a 2ft onshore right while being heckled from the cliff by a local.

The chorus of disapproval translates as, “(If you) Live in Lagos? Can’t surf. I can’t surf, but the American can come and surf anyway.”

Marlon wrote: “I don’t even believe in all the media but I have respect for all the people going through hard times and I’m staying at home”

“And then you have idiots driving from Lisbon to the Algarve surfing our home spots and shitting on everything #norespect”

Other disapproving Algarve locals wasted little time in letting Kanoa know their feelings through an exchange of DM’s in which Kanoa made lengthy, reasoned explanations as to why he’d made the journey to surf, as well as explaining his vision of the new reality we’re set to be living in for the forseable future.

Unsurprisingly, his arguments were given very short shrift. “Next time you come here, you better hope you don’t run into me, etc etc.”

Read the rest of it here.


Listen: “The world is ending tomorrow… but if it doesn’t, how ashamed are you of past behaviors?”

Tell the truth.

Oh hello, again, from day…. 3462792 of our virtually shared Coronavirus Quarantine. Madness has seeped into all our lives. Madness and severe introspection. Hours each day, locked in doors, jackboot’d Gestapo waiting to ship us off to re-education camps if we dare attempt President Trump’s recommended sunlight treatments, just thinking about our past behaviors.

Hours each day wondering if we lived well or failed our mandate.

If we’re lucky, named Strider Wasilewski, quarantined in Malibu and starred in iconic surf films there is more to ponder.

Like this famous surf film now ripped offline.

Damned hindsight.

Cursed hindsight.

But who, amongst us, dare cast the first stone?

David Lee Scales and I spent time discussing these heady thoughts, in lieu of actual surf content since the World Surf League’s gorgeous transition from sport governing body to fabulous surf blog appears to be hitting some bumps, but…

…are you proud of your younger self?

David Lee’s younger self cast a bean burrito at an innocent bicyclists.

Mine penned a high school newspaper editorial declaring people with AIDs deserved it.

I was subsequently fired.

Listen here.

Laird Hamilton (pictured) making money, getting loaded.
Laird Hamilton (pictured) making money, getting loaded.

Capitalism: French yoghurt giant invests $10m in Laird Hamilton’s Superfood!

Four functional mushrooms.

And I don’t have to tell you that we are living in extremely uncertain times. Oil at less than zero dollars a barrel as Saudi Arabia makes a power move, flooding the market and daring a petrodollar collapse, a disease that cruelly targets clinically obese people with diabetes and bad hearts, a professional surfing world tour viable no more.

Well, at least Laird Hamilton is there, eating the rubble of our recent past like Cheerios in oat milk. Toasting the downfall with bitter black coffee made sweet with his signature creamer.

For nothing, neither apocalypse nor plague nor drought nor Saudi intransigence can keep the world’s most popular SUP pilot down and in an reeling economy our hero just pocketed $10 million dollars for that signature creamer.

Shall we turn to the food and beverage industry journal for more?

US plant-based superfood producer Laird Superfood has secured $10 million in a financing round, funded entirely by Danone Manifesto Ventures (DMV).

Since its launch in 2015, Laird Superfood has reportedly recorded its strongest quarter to date and has witnessed growth in its products and with its retail partners.

The company recently expanded its Superfood Creamer line – its ‘signature product’ – with a creamer which combines the original product with four functional mushrooms.

Laird Superfood plans to use the capital to continue to grow its current platform, develop new offerings and expand its manufacturing campus in Sisters, Oregon.

CEO of Danone Manifesto Ventures, Laurent Marcel, said: “We are confident that Laird Superfood’s commitment to a healthy lifestyle and the quality of their functional products and ingredients will continue to appeal to consumers and retailers.

“Laird Superfood is a powerful brand with a unique story, and we are excited about our ability to seal this partnership, particularly in the current global environment. We believe it will result in future success with a foundation of mutual trust and shared values.”

Fantastic. But doesn’t it give you great hope that, no matter what else, no matter how bleak things appear, Laird?

And, quickly, what are the odds that current World Surf League CEO goes and works for Laird Superfood in Sisters, Oregon once the dust settles?

Though lastly, are any of those four functional mushrooms the psychedelic sort? If no, is there room in the plant-based coffee creamer space for BeachGrit it develop its own product?

More as the story develops.