"There are bigger things to worry about than a damn
virus, Charlie. There's Commies somewhere out there. They're worse
than anyone. I heard they eat babies and have sex with dogs. I
mean, like, that's bad, right?" | Photo: Derek Rielly
Listen: Master shaper Matt “Mayhem” Biolos
on Californian life under the “commie” Jackboot; the perfection of
pure Marxism; getting drunk watching Larry David!
By Derek Rielly
A virtual three-way! Episode five of podcast, Dirty
Water.
Yesterday, on a warm Californian spring afternoon, the
writer Chas Smith, the shaper Matt “Mayhem” Biolos and I took our
places around our computing machines for a virtual
three-way.
This is hardly ideal, given myriad distractions, in Biolos’ case
a modest crowd throwing dishes back and forth and someone, a child
I think, doing gymnastics, but we got a little something in the
course of the conversation, I think.
We ask Biolos,
What he hates about communism and socialism now that the
capitalist west is on its knees, head on the block, with the
CCP’s blade on our necks; if he is voting for Bad Grandpa or Pinky
Trump in the November election; to tell the story of the time he
broke Jon Pyzel’s heart; if Johnny Cabianca and Timmy Patterson are
the world’s most underrated shapers; the five best boards he’s
owned…
Rate Dirty Water on Apple podcasts, if y’don’t mind.
Top five funniest reviews win tail-pad and t-shirt and air
freshener impregnated with our specially formulated Heartbreak
Beach™ scent that is both sweet and sickly.
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Watch: “Covid crazed” Great White shark
first attempts to eat bodyboarder before turning vicious wrath on
surfer!
By Chas Smith
"This is the type of event that happens every
day..."
But did you read the very new report that this
mad, mad novel Coronavirus can live on eyeballs for weeks at a
time?
Weeks.
First we lost dominion over our hands, then we lost charge of
our mouths/noses and now eyeballs are evil carriers of the world’s
most deadly disease ever.
Eyeballs.
And it must be assumed that the sinister Covid-19 does not
discriminate re. eyeballs. That a bat’s are as good as a human’s
are as good as a Great White Shark but let us travel, at once, to
Ballina there in Australia’s New South Wales. A place that teems
with man-eaters even during non-pandemic times. Let us witness what
happens when a crazed beast mixes amongst socially distant
bodyboarders and surfers.
https://www.instagram.com/p/B_YYeseBDOf/
Close call or just normal? @nsw_sharksmart . Curious white shark amongst surfers is normal. . During our research we saw some amazing footage. In this
instance the swell was pumping at Ballina on the NSW north coast.
There were plenty of surfers out and our research pilot from
@scoutaerial filmed this footage of a white shark (great white to
most) checking out some surfers. . It had already made its way past many surfers but decide to
visit the first body boarder then the surfer. If that’s you on that
surfboard we would love to hear from you. . Our research has shown that white sharks tend to swim in
perfect straight lines along our beaches but if there us something
in the water they love to see what it is. . After this ‘interaction’ the shark made its way further along
the beach and out to see. . This is the type of event that happens every day but we don’t
have drones in the sky to see. . Our drone program has learnt a lot in the last five years with
@nsw_dpi Dr Paul Butcher and #southerncrossuni PhD candidate Andrew
Colefax leading the way to use drones as a non lethal bather
protection tool as used by @slsnsw now and a device to collect
behavioural data.
All research out the window now, though.
Damned Wuhan.
Which would have been tastier though? Bodyboarder or surfer?
I, for one, would prefer a bodyboarder’s thick, juicy thighs and
buttocks over a surfer’s emaciated cocaine-riddled sinews.
You?
More as the story develops.
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Igarashi's clever not-going-surfing red herring, as it
appeared on Instagram. | Photo: @kanoaigarashi
Portugal turns on adopted surf hero Kanoa
Igarashi: “(He’s) Shitting on everything!”
By Derek Rielly
World number six has car tyres slashed, warnings of
beat-downs etc..
Portuguese surfers, including at least one of its noted
pros, have turned on the Japan-born, US-raised, Dior Homme
sponsored Kanoa Igarashi, a resident of Portugal since he
was eighteen.
Kanoa, who is twenty-two, has lived, on and off, in a beachfront
mansion at Ericeria, on Portugal’s west coast and just north of its
capital, Lisbon, ever since he “felt a really positive energy”
after a junior contest there.
There has been much less of a debate as to whether anybody
should be driving up and down the coast in the hunt for a wave, an
apparent area of consensus among surfers.
So when world no.6 Kanoa Igarashi felt the ire of Peniche
locals earlier this month, driving to the area’s more secluded
breaks to surf and getting all 4 tyres slashed while in the water,
you might have expected the Lisbon-based Japanese surfer to stick
closer to home.
And yet apparently undeterred by the incident, reports came
through this week that Igarashi drove the 400km from his home in
Cascais to surf in the Algarve, where he was met with further
disapproval from members of the local surfing community.
Former CT surfer Marlon Lipke reposted a video on his IG
showing Kanoa surfing a 2ft onshore right while being heckled from
the cliff by a local.
The chorus of disapproval translates as, “(If you) Live in
Lagos? Can’t surf. I can’t surf, but the American can come and surf
anyway.”
Marlon wrote: “I don’t even believe in all the media but I
have respect for all the people going through hard times and I’m
staying at home”
“And then you have idiots driving from Lisbon to the Algarve
surfing our home spots and shitting on everything
#norespect”
Other disapproving Algarve locals wasted little time in
letting Kanoa know their feelings through an exchange of DM’s in
which Kanoa made lengthy, reasoned explanations as to why he’d made
the journey to surf, as well as explaining his vision of the new
reality we’re set to be living in for the forseable
future.
Unsurprisingly, his arguments were given very short shrift.
“Next time you come here, you better hope you don’t run into me,
etc etc.”
Listen: “The world is ending tomorrow… but
if it doesn’t, how ashamed are you of past behaviors?”
By Chas Smith
Tell the truth.
Oh hello, again, from day…. 3462792 of our
virtually shared Coronavirus Quarantine. Madness has seeped into
all our lives. Madness and severe introspection. Hours each day,
locked in doors, jackboot’d Gestapo waiting to ship us off to
re-education camps if we dare attempt President Trump’s recommended
sunlight treatments, just thinking about our past behaviors.
Hours each day wondering if we lived well or failed our
mandate.
If we’re lucky, named Strider Wasilewski, quarantined in Malibu
and starred in iconic surf films there is more to ponder.
David Lee Scales and I spent time discussing these heady
thoughts, in lieu of actual surf content since the World Surf
League’s gorgeous transition from sport governing body
to fabulous surf blog appears to be hitting some bumps, but…
…are you proud of your younger self?
David Lee’s younger self cast a bean burrito at an innocent
bicyclists.
Mine penned a high school newspaper editorial declaring people
with AIDs deserved it.
I was subsequently fired.
Listen here.
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Laird Hamilton (pictured) making money, getting
loaded.
Capitalism: French yoghurt giant invests
$10m in Laird Hamilton’s Superfood!
By Chas Smith
Four functional mushrooms.
And I don’t have to tell you that we are living
in extremely uncertain times. Oil at less than zero dollars a
barrel as Saudi Arabia makes a power move, flooding the market and
daring a petrodollar collapse, a disease that cruelly targets
clinically obese people with diabetes and bad hearts, a professional
surfing world tour viable no more.
Well, at least Laird Hamilton is there, eating the rubble of our
recent past like Cheerios in oat milk. Toasting the downfall with
bitter black coffee made sweet with his signature creamer.
For nothing, neither apocalypse nor plague nor drought nor Saudi
intransigence can keep the world’s most popular SUP pilot down and
in an reeling economy our hero just pocketed $10 million dollars
for that signature creamer.
US plant-based superfood producer Laird Superfood has
secured $10 million in a financing round, funded entirely by Danone
Manifesto Ventures (DMV).
Since its launch in 2015, Laird Superfood has reportedly
recorded its strongest quarter to date and has witnessed growth in
its products and with its retail partners.
The company recently expanded its Superfood Creamer line –
its ‘signature product’ – with a creamer which combines the
original product with four functional mushrooms.
Laird Superfood plans to use the capital to continue to grow
its current platform, develop new offerings and expand its
manufacturing campus in Sisters, Oregon.
CEO of Danone Manifesto Ventures, Laurent Marcel, said: “We
are confident that Laird Superfood’s commitment to a healthy
lifestyle and the quality of their functional products and
ingredients will continue to appeal to consumers and
retailers.
“Laird Superfood is a powerful brand with a unique story,
and we are excited about our ability to seal this partnership,
particularly in the current global environment. We believe it will
result in future success with a foundation of mutual trust and
shared values.”
Fantastic. But doesn’t it give you great hope that, no matter
what else, no matter how bleak things appear, Laird?
And, quickly, what are the odds that current World Surf League
CEO goes and works for Laird Superfood in Sisters, Oregon once the
dust settles?
Though lastly, are any of those four functional mushrooms the
psychedelic sort? If no, is there room in the plant-based coffee
creamer space for BeachGrit it develop its own
product?
