Feat. Moby Dick

Recently, Chas confided his intention to attempt a midlength. The board in question arrives on today. Will Chas be ready? Can such a frail, willowy man actually push 6’10” x 21” x 2 3/4” of foam around the ocean?

The answer is, definitely not — not without a dedicated program of training. Honestly, it is probably already far, too late. It does strain the imagination to picture Chas training for anything, unless it involves vodka and drinking more of it.

We will, nonetheless, attempt to help this poor hapless man, before his giant new surfboard sends him flying into another galaxy or more likely, into a drowning Wavestormer trapped on the inside by the onslaught of massive, pounding set waves at summertime Swamis.

First off, Chas is going to have to carry this thing. A man could strain something vital trying to wrap an arm around a 21-inch wide monster. The gym is off limits during the quar times, and buying anything resembling weights requires black market contacts of the sort generally reserved for downloads of Sea of Darkness or buying cocaine, the good stuff, not that imported shit.

You know what’s easy to buy? Fucking books. Also, books are heavy, which makes them relevant to our current situation, which is, to repeat, the need for Chas to carry a very big surfboard to the beach, and then into the water.

You’re going to want a big book, with so many pages. Like, say, Moby Dick. Have you ever even read all of Moby Dick? I have not. It is a very big book with far too many pages — and far too much about the whale and all its various parts. The tail, the fin, like, hello, get on with it, some of us have lives over here.

Okay, back to work. Buy ten copies of Moby Dick. Now, don’t you start lifting all ten at once. That is the way to certain disaster. You have to build up to such feats of strength.

Start with one Moby Dick. Do some curls. Maybe lift a single Moby Dick above your head a few times. Then, add a second Moby Dick. Finally at last, after much determined effort, try lifting all ten Moby Dicks. This may take time, so do not be discouraged if it doesn’t happen by tomorrow morning.

Having arrived at the water’s edge with his giant new surfboard — I believe it is turquoise in color, which is a very good color for a giant new surfboard — Chas must now paddle his craft into the lineup.

This is a very delicate operation, which requires well-honed strength and perfectly tuned endurance. I feel like perfectly tuned endurance might be a bridge too far, but it’s good to have goals. We can not expect to turn Chas into Yuliya Efimova overnight.

How often have you seen people slumped on their giant surfboards like so many sacks of potatoes? Just like, lying there, feet splayed wide, dipping their fingertips in the water in a desultory way, never making much progress at all. This is everything that is wrong and bad about surfing on giant surfboards.

As surfers, we must take pride in our posture and our, well, something. I was going to write some kind of manifesto here, but really, everyone just needs to go home and do some planks and it’ll be fine. Chas, do some planks and don’t slump like a sack of potatoes on your giant, new surfboard, okay? Okay.

On to the still-bigger challenge of actually surfing the giant new surfboard, that might be turquoise, but might not be. It’s like the Schrödinger’s Cat of resin tints, not that I know what Schrödinger’s Cat actually is, but it looks good in a sentence.

Based on close observation, I have concluded that the main tenets of midlength surfboard riding include standing very still, looking very moody, and maintaining one arm high in the upright position. Bonus points, if you have the ability to grow a credible moustache.

The upright arm sticks straight up at the sky, and is typically, but not always, the arm at the rear of the surfboard. If you aren’t sure which arm is at the rear of your surfboard, you have far more problems than I can solve. Really, I can’t do everything over here.

To practice these skills, find a full length mirror. You do have a full-length mirror, right Chas? I mean, I can’t imagine those outfits happen entirely by accident, but we’ve already long ago established that my imagination does have some limits.

Stand in front of the mirror. Stand very still. Think of something sad, like how the whale dies at the end of Moby Dick. I mean, maybe it does? I don’t know, because I never made it to the end. Pretend the whale dies, and think serious, somber thoughts about the whale. Don’t forget to stand very still. Start with five minutes of still standing at a time. Then, increase until you reach 15 minutes or more.

Now the arm, you didn’t think I was going to forget the arm, did you? I don’t know how Moby Dick ends, but I am not completely incompetent over here.

After mastering standing very still, while thinking sad, somber thoughts, for five minutes at a time, lift your right arm straight up in the air. Do not point. This is very important! The hand must remained relaxed at all times, like it’s at some fabulous tropical hand resort and can’t be bothered to get off the lounge chair.

Practice standing very still, with a somber serious expression on your face, with your right arm in the air for, fuck I don’t know, as long as you can stand. You could also place one copy of Moby Dick in your upraised arm for additional strength and endurance, but I feel that this may be an overly advanced exercise.

What about turning, you’ll be saying, surely she is going to help Chas turn his giant, new surfboard. We’ve already established that the gym is off limits, which rules out squats, the only surefire way to ensure that Chas can push 100 liters of foam (or whatever it is) around the ocean.

But Chas does have a bicycle and Cardiff has hills.

Find the steepest hill in Cardiff, maybe the one that’s near the Patagonia store and the coffee shop, the one with the good espresso, except Chas drinks tea, which is a thing I still don’t understand.

Ride up the hill at least five times in succession. Sweat heavily. Curse and question all your life choices — this is how you will know you are doing it right.

Now, strap five copies of Moby Dick to the rack of the bicycle, the same rack that carried the box with the famous vanilla cake, which, why have I never received a cake? Really, it doesn’t seem like that much to ask.

With five copies of Moby Dick securely fastened to the rear of your bicycle, climb the steepest hill in Cardiff five more times, or until you fall over, which ever comes first. If you curse and question all your life choices, you have done it right.

It’s possible that this effort will make it possible to turn the giant, new surfboard, but there are no guarantees. I don’t make miracles over here. You have to train hard and be persistent to achieve big goals. That’s what they say, but it’s always possible that they’re lying.

Now you’re ready to terrorize the lineups from Cardiff to Rincon on your giant new surfboard that’s maybe turquoise or maybe not. If you run over anyone, just think sad thoughts about the whale and keep on standing still with your arm in the air.

Poise. That’s what you need. Poise and just a little practice will turn your mediocrity into greatness so fast, it’ll be like, the time I tried to read Moby Dick, made it to page ten and threw it across the room. That fast.

Good luck!

This ain't nothing to do with waves.

I really don’t know what we’ve done to deserve all the scorn heaped upon our bowed heads. Don’t know why the entire world has suddenly decided that we are not only vacuous, silly, generally worthless but should also be on the receiving end of discriminatory laws and hurtful discriminatory jokes.

But alas, here we are.

Standing in the public square, placard around necks reading “HERE STANDS A SUPER SPREADER OF THE NOVEL CORONAVIRUS AND AN UNMANLY MAN.”

Jen See stands next to us, not caring so much about the slur. Stab magazine stands off to the side, not having to wear a placard in exchange for busily printing them.

But where did this “unmanly man” business come from?

Well legendary football player Eric Dickerson of course and let us turn to his discussion over the Los Angeles Rams and their new uniform design.

Dickerson, who set the NFL single-season rushing record with 2,105 yards in 1984 for the Rams, had previously criticized the logo. Now he took aim at the uniforms.

Among his comments, he said the horns on the helmet look like “two bananas” and that the changes make the team look “soft.”

“This is football. This ain’t nothing to do with surfing. This ain’t nothing to do with waves. This is football. This is a man’s sport,” Dickerson said in the interview. “And to me, it just looks soft. It don’t look like football. It don’t look hard.”

All our heads are very bowed except for Jen See and Stab magazine where the writers keep their eyes up, alert, so as to tattle on any surfer behaving badly.

“If you can get up out of your bed in the morning from laying down to standing on land, I tell you what, you can get up on a surfboard.”

A week ago, Kelly Slater blocked BeachGrit and me on Instagram and my whole world began to crumble. How could I know what the world’s greatest surfer was doing? What he thought about this or that? Depression washed in like a flood, rotting my very foundation, plaster falling off the walls in sickening thuds.

How could I continue to call my self a surf journalist?

Well, the sun also rises and the very next day I rolled out of bed feeling inspired. Eyes opened. Seeing things fresh through the holes in my world’s walls, the massive visage of the World’s Greatest Surfer no longer blocking my view.

There are other surfers out there, surfers with more titles and accolades to whom I’d been blind.

Surfers like 15 x World Champion surfer Zane Schweitzer… 15 x World Champion (4 x more World Championships than Kelly Slater)… who just happens to be teaching remote surf lessons during quarantine and using Miss Hawaii 2018 as his model.

Unbelievable? Let’s bend our ears and listen.

“Surfing itself is something that comes with a few simple steps that I can share with you right here, right now,” Schweitzer said.

And just like that my cyber surf lesson begins.

“This is Kim, she’s Miss Hawaii here in 2018. Actually our first date was surfing and now she is a very avid surfer. She’s like a prime example and gonna be our model today to help you guys understand our surf tips,” Schweitzer said.

First up — paddling.

“We’re gonna keep our head arched and reach out with forward with our hands paddling and that’s step No. 1,” Schweitzer said.

Now the hardest part, the pop-up.

“Now, step No. 2. We’re gonna lift up nice and tall, we’re going to bring our back knee under our hips, then we’re gonna bring our front foot forward under the chest. Now comes the fun part, twist your hips, plant your back foot from knee to the foot and lift,” Schweitzer said.

Finally the key to it all — balance.

“If you can get up out of your bed in the morning from laying down to standing on land, I tell you what, you can get up on a surfboard,” Schweitzer said.

Wonderful and if your partner would like a surf lesson you can order it for him/her here but before you go can I ask a quick few questions?

How’s Kelly doing? Does he look happy? Healthy? Is he still on Australia’s Gold Coast or has he fled?

Any new, exiting developments with Outerknown? Breitling?

Purps?

Is he eating well?

Using sunscreen?

Taking care of his emotional health?

You’ll let me know, yes?