Mystery: Why do celebrities prefer and
enjoy the worst surfboards ever made?
By Chas Smith
Thick n mean!
Celebrities are often lacking much, empathy,
sense, the right time to make and distribute videos claiming
responsibility for racism…
https://www.instagram.com/p/CBTO5XElLpY/
…but one thing they do have is money.
In many cases they have much money and so it regularly surprises
me, shocks me even, so see them in “celebrities gone surfing”
features carrying such hideous surfboards.
What the hell is King Leonidas carrying here?
He could afford anything and he chooses that? A board with rails
so thick they could be officially classified as retarded.
And what about his friend Legolas?
Why?
Why the rail thickness?
I could go on and on posting picture after picture but you know
what I’m on about so help me figure it out, please.
Love,
Chas Smith
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World number five, Kolohe Andino, main photo,
surrounded by sycophants, Charlie, top, and DR, looking like the
long retired member of an all-male nude revue, below.
Listen: Kolohe Andino says any one-day
world champ decider at Lowers would be “ludicrous and so
corny, spinners and air-reverses” and rightly announces, “Anarchy
is the only answer!”
By Derek Rielly
Left to die on Todos Santos rocks by Tiger Daddy
Dino; the bio film made by Chas that was never shown to the
public!
On today’s Dirty Water podcast Charlie and I joust,
lightly, with world number five Kolohe Andino who is
twenty-six and lives in the Republican stronghold of San Clemente,
California.
Myriad topics are covered including the never-released 2010
bio-film Charlie made with Kolohe that reimagined the then sixteen
year old as a middle-aged derelict; being left to die on the rocks
at Todos Santos by Tiger Daddy Dino; how ludicrous he thinks a
one-day world title is, especially if it happens at Lowers; why he
wants no part of a big-wave event, let’s say Peahi, on the WCT; his
strictly platonic love affair with Craig Anderson; how he learned
to suppress anger and save the lives of innumerable surfboards and
the importance of home sauna.
A caveat on this one.
I’m not sure what came over me, it was earlier than usual and my
sleep had been punctuated with dreams of my early childhood, the
blackness, the church, the old men trying to diddle pretty teenage
me, and so I was feeling more peculiar than usual.
Forgive me father and please sir may I have another.
Leave a review on Apple podcasts, good, bad, five stars or zero,
just gotta be entertaining, send us the link and we’ll send you a
tail-pad, anywhere in the world.
(Available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcast, Stitcher,
TuneIn + Alexa, iHeartRadio, Overcast, Pocket Cast, Castro,
Castbox, Podcast Addict, Podchaser, Deezer and Listen Notes.)
Open Letter to the World’s Greatest Surfer
Kelly Slater: “Are you truly and honestly a next-level hypocrite?
Castigating others for being ‘triggered’ while ‘canceling’ legions
of fans yourself?”
By Chas Smith
Easy fix!
Dear Kelly Slater,
You are a very famous professional surfer, friends with many
other famous-ish professional surfers and celebrities. Boyfriend to
other equally famous-ish and celebrity ladies. Successful,
talented, handsome, fabulous-ish and outspoken.
Out speaking damnation upon environmental terrorists (while
pushing wave pools that have been, let’s be truly honest, exposed as
beautiful disasters) and the only surf
website that takes comedy seriously (while
blocking it from your social medias).
You are a hypocrite.
An historically grand hypocrite but is that what you want your
legacy to be?
An historically grand hypocrite?
I imagine this will front your Wikipedia tomorrow and also be
someday spray painted upon your headstone and/or Cocoa Beach statue
because it is absolutely true.
But no?
You don’t see yourself that way?
Easy out.
Chat with me and Derek tomorrow, next day, at your convenience
on our Dirty
Water and you shall be free.
Otherwise, your screed
today and everything else you stand for is straight
and forever embarrassing.
No?
Yeah.
It is. Your sycophants won’t tell you but also sycophants don’t
tell anyone anything true.
Yet you feel it every day.
Know it every day.
They also tell you “Nobody reads BeachGrit.”
Oops.
The fact that you are reading this right now should, and
certainly does, cause a slight quiver.
See you at your convenience!
Love,
Chas Smith.
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Kelly Slater (pictured in hat) unveiling comedic legend
"the noogie" on professional surfer Silvana Lima. | Photo: Steve
Sherman/@tsherms
World-famous surfer Kelly Slater boldly
defends the right to free speech in our troubled time: “I got no
problem when a woman makes fun of a penis and calls it small or
whatever!”
By Chas Smith
Brave.
Oooooeeeee these here are the most dangerous of
days for which to open a mouth and use that mouth to utter
words. How many celebrities have been recently “canceled” for past
remarks? Completely erased from the hearts and minds of a once
adoring public for saying, even thinking, currently out of vogue
things. How many ordinary folk have been set upon by the mob,
houses figuratively, jobs literally, burned?
Very many.
The field of discourse, once relatively open and sun-dappled, is
now pitch black with landmines littered everywhere, big holes dug
with pointy sticks placed in their bottoms too.
Well, at least free speech has a great hero in the form of
world-famous surfer Kelly Slater. I am not allowed to see what
Kelly writes, or thinks, due to the fact that he cancelled
me, but wonderful friends forward his important
missives and here we see him wading into the Instagram comments of
his great hero Joe Rogan.
Rogan’s most recent guest is a comedian named Bill Burr. Rogan
declared, “Spent 3 hours smoking cigars and talking shit with my
brother @wilfredburr! We had a great fucking time and I hope you
enjoy it.”
https://www.instagram.com/p/CBWzdFSF8dn/
All fine but somebody must have become sad by something Burr
said, something maybe sexist and/or racist, and let it be known in
those Instagram comments.
Kelly Slater, defender of free thought, free speech, wasn’t
having it, responding:
“It’s called comedy. If it was too real for you to hear without
being triggered you might have some issues. Sometimes you need to
hear other people’s perspectives and understand them to acknowledge
situations properly. But it doesn’t sound like You heard what he
said much and are gonna turn it into some anti women rant. Good
humor pulls no punches. His just wasn’t outright comedy like we are
used to. I got no problem when a woman makes fun of a penis and
calls it small or whatever (smiley face emoji).”
Whoa.
And my heart is beating out of my very chest. I wish so much
that I could go do applause hand emojis or even raise the roof
emojis but, alas, my perspective is not one of the ones Kelly
Slater needs to hear to acknowledge any situation properly.
Still, it makes me impossibly happy that our GOAT is out there
defending free speech for some and also free speech for women
making fun of penises and calling them small or whatever.
Robust.
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Listen: “What the world needs most right
now is two straight, white, cisgender male self-identifying surfers
opining on race, surveillance and vaccines!”
By Chas Smith
Come feel the noise.
Hot button, I’ll tell you what, the world is
one big hot button with every topic, every discussion, every point
of view ready to explode into a fiery ball of cancellation, mob
Twitter justice, rage, hurt, anger, shouting but also real attempts
at understanding. A bulldozing of long-held suppositions.
Etc.
Never have two straight, white, cisgender male self-identifying
surfers been…
…more valuable, desired, important.
Every ear titled our way.
David Lee Scales, named after David Lee Roth, and Charles David
Smith, named Charles David Smith, recognizing the gravity of the
moment, decided to further discuss race, gender identity, Edward
Snowden, Bill Gates, government surveillance, vaccines and Bruce
Irons new dad bod with the well-reasoned, well-researched
perspectives that you have come to appreciate.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CBT4x3uFdqe/
That the world is craving.
In any case, you’re likely an equally important class, if not
more equally important, and your voice is being craved too.
