Easy fix!
Dear Kelly Slater,
You are a very famous professional surfer, friends with many other famous-ish professional surfers and celebrities. Boyfriend to other equally famous-ish and celebrity ladies. Successful, talented, handsome, fabulous-ish and outspoken.
Out speaking damnation upon environmental terrorists (while pushing wave pools that have been, let’s be truly honest, exposed as beautiful disasters) and the only surf website that takes comedy seriously (while blocking it from your social medias).
You are a hypocrite.
An historically grand hypocrite but is that what you want your legacy to be?
An historically grand hypocrite?
I imagine this will front your Wikipedia tomorrow and also be someday spray painted upon your headstone and/or Cocoa Beach statue because it is absolutely true.
But no?
You don’t see yourself that way?
Easy out.
Chat with me and Derek tomorrow, next day, at your convenience on our Dirty Water and you shall be free.
Otherwise, your screed today and everything else you stand for is straight and forever embarrassing.
No?
Yeah.
It is. Your sycophants won’t tell you but also sycophants don’t tell anyone anything true.
Yet you feel it every day.
Know it every day.
They also tell you “Nobody reads BeachGrit.”
Oops.
The fact that you are reading this right now should, and certainly does, cause a slight quiver.
See you at your convenience!
Love,
Commented on Disqus? Log out, tap the Disqus button, and your old name and comments come back. The box is ours.
Your comments are still here. Every one of them.
Twelve years of BeachGrit comments came across from Disqus. Connect and we will show you how many are yours. We get your username, nothing else.
Connect Disqus to reveal.
You think Slater gives two white rabbits’ jackets about what either Chas or Derek think? Move right the fuck along. Nothing to see here.
Why are you thinking about my underwear, you weirdo? You’re not lucky enough.
Message from Kelly by way of TH: “You post the video of you kooking out at the beautiful disaster in Lemoore and actually getting seriously hurt riding an artificial wave that was running at maybe 60%, and I will unblock you and allow you to interview me.”
“Oh and remove all the stupid tattoos, you embarassment to the white race.“
What’s next Chaz a bunny boiling in the stove? Jeez bro he’s just not that into you
Props for calling out Kelly in an open letter. BG once again makes me proud, not kissing his ass, like so many in the surf media do. Will he bite? I’d say it’s 50/50 at best.
Bustin’ down the door was actually hiding under the Kuilima bed, jus’ sayin’
What would he have to gain by bothering with you? Asking for a friend.
Your all a bunch of shriveled up hypocrite weiners, and Kelly may be a hypocrite, but let’s not forget he’s an 11 time hypocrite, and no one will ever top that, this Metal Surfer from Santa Cruz CA. has got your back Kelly 😄😄🤭
Cool, so you don’t mind if he spends a lot of time this Summer at Stockton Ave. … if it breaks …
Damn you Joe, 🤫”Shhhhh you did mean that beach break in Stockton CA. didn’t you Joe 🤭😂 yeah sure why not, and maybe steamers, and Joe I don’t know where you live, but if your not from SC and want to come down and surf the Lane I have your back just in case a few of the local boys are feeling a little greedy if it’s going off👊
Picking off Lefts at Middles when it’s truly way overhead is actually fairly ez- then again so is jumping off the cliff into the lineup, supposedly … how many tech scrubs can one wheezer like me pick off from way behind the peak at Indicators all the way through Cowells? Dozens, Dora style …
I’m sure he feels much better now and can come back out from under the bed. I also bet he can’t wait to come visit, maybe have a sleep over at yours, maybe mum and dad will let you build bunk beds. 😬
It.is.on.
But he’s stuck in Oz with the flu?
Maybe Dezza could front for Chad to smooth a path haha
Nah he’ll be back in the US by now or about to be.
Who wouldn’t want to be there.
any pics of the big day?
I’ve heard he’s calling Rory.
Russell ? Or Gallagher ?
Neither
This would really, really, be Ben Marcus bait.. cunt would be all up in our shit for an eternity after it is said and done.
Still, it would be a fun listen. Dank lord Benwah would eat it up.
He would fucking correct you with “Benoît” before he sent me further death threats and begged me to send dirty panties in the post so he could sniff them.
Haha almost typed Benoît but wanted to reference a classic bogan show called “Blokesworld”
Their fight was a “MayMac Productions” joint. This could be a “GoatGrit Productions” joint. Or maybe even just straight up brand it “Slater X (not really) Haters”
You should block Kelly. Boom!
As ugly as it gets is getting emailed Disqus upvote notifications.
Anyone fessing up to that sin?
I did for the first 2 weeks
It was exhausting
Naah, I always opt out of those things cos of mail cloggage.
It’d be good to see who downvotes me though..haha
You must be on your phone? As you can see both upvotes and downvotes on a laptop/computer.
Yeah I’m running a hundy buck warehouse special
No proper computer since the last one blew up a year or so back haha
Me.
send them to a dummy account … a surfer should ALWAYS control their own time, don’t let computers, much less phones! set your agenda …
What’d I miss?
It’s all pretty weird isn’t it LGR?
Dude Kelly is almost 50 years old and has no hair. Kids don’t care about him anymore. Hell, hardly anyone even cares about surfing.
Kelly is a great surfer but dull. He’s so obsessed with competitive surfing that everything else he says or does is superficial.
In any case, you’ve made wankers of yourselves giving him shit, why would he pick up the phone and call you.
Why not call Nick, Maurice or that Jewish Hawaiian guy.
Do you mean that Jewish (ex?) thuggy (druggy?) type guy who’s lived in Hawaii for years and perfected ‘pidgin’ ?
Or Jobs girlfriends dad ?
The one who’s not mates with Ian Cairns.
That might be a long list come to think of it.
Like so many, Ke11y struggles with his best friend, his phone, and all the amazing communications he can deliver one way.
He just hates that the communications come back at him that he can’t control.
“Blocking” is as childish as “following” and “liking”.
God I generally hate tabloid journalism and media.
Can’t stand reality tv of any description.
But by golly I love beachgrit like a little tween likes dolly magazine* 😂
*I guess that’s an outdated comparison in the digital age.
I actually dig Slater, almost as much as I fully dig Chas and Derek. Ke11y, I know you’re reading these–take the bait and show up. Laughs for all. You’re almost 50 and still dominating booming Pipe–what’s some witty banter with Chas and Derek, who will fold like cards anyway?
I remember when Chas used to suck up to ELO (twice!) until everyone gave him shit about it and then he went all agent provocatuer mode.