Listen: Longtom on twenty-year blood feud with Nick Carroll, why the WSL will change hands for one dollar and how the Kelly Slater wavepool is an “evolutionary blind alley!”

Come get baptised in dirty water…

Today’s episode of Dirty Water, number eighteen, contains the forthright opinions of writer Steve “Longtom” Shearer, a man who believes in the doctrine of eternal punishment, regards baptism by immersion as essential and is that most formidable of composite forces – a dreamer who thinks and a thinker who dreams.

Along with Charlie Smith, various topics are broached, Steve’s multi-decade feud with the great Nick Carroll, whether or not media has a responsibility to report on potentially catastrophic drug use by athletes (Steve recounts seeing Andy Irons at Snapper in 2010 “looking like his life force was gone”), the fading star that is the WSL and its ambitious $150 million self-valuation and why Kelly Slater’s wavepool is an “evolutionary blind alley.”

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(Available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcast, Stitcher, TuneIn + Alexa, iHeartRadio, Overcast, Pocket Cast, Castro, Castbox, Podcast Addict, Podchaser, Deezer and Listen Notes.)

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Patriot: Momentum builds for Kelly Slater statue to be erected in President Trump’s newly proposed “National Garden of American Heroes!”

Lift your voice!

On July 3rd, while standing in front of South Dakota’s Mount Rushmore, President Donald J. Trump unveiled his administration’s plan to build a National Garden of American Heroes which will be “a vast outdoor park that will feature the statues of the greatest Americans to ever live.”

“A very fine idea…” I thought and quickly went searching for the Executive Order, scrolled to the list of those to be included in the National Garden of American Heroes…

The National Garden should be composed of statues, including statues of John Adams, Susan B. Anthony, Clara Barton, Daniel Boone, Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain, Henry Clay, Davy Crockett, Frederick Douglass, Amelia Earhart, Benjamin Franklin, Billy Graham, Alexander Hamilton, Thomas Jefferson, Martin Luther King, Jr., Abraham Lincoln, Douglas MacArthur, Dolley Madison, James Madison, Christa McAuliffe, Audie Murphy, George S. Patton, Jr., Ronald Reagan, Jackie Robinson, Betsy Ross, Antonin Scalia, Harriet Beecher Stowe, Harriet Tubman, Booker T. Washington, George Washington, and Orville and Wilbur Wright.

…and became intensely sad.

No 11 x World Champion, greatest surfer to ever live, from Cocoa Beach but now Lemoore Kelly Slater?

Impossible so I read again and became violently sad.

But then, a spark of inspiration struck me right between the eyes.

It is incumbent upon us, American surfers (Australians, South Africans, Brazilians, British too if you all feel inclined), to have Kelly Slater’s statue included.


I think we start by contacting Florida’s Republican Governor Ron DeSantis (here) or simply [email protected]

You can use my email to him, below, or create your own.

Dear Governor DeSantis,

As you are certainly aware, President Trump recently announced a National Garden of American Heroes which is a fine idea but, sadly, the list of American Heroes to be included in the park has one glaring hole.

Florida’s own Kelly Slater.

The 11x World Champion is also inarguably the greatest surfer to ever live. His exploits in the water are only matched by his passion for the environment on land, where he builds large, beautiful wave pools. 

Kelly Slater is a model citizen, donating his time to many causes near to his heart, namely helping provide guidance and correct thought to those who believe the earth is flat via Instagram.

The inclusion of a Kelly Slater statue in the National Garden of American Heroes will be a wonderful day for both Florida and the United States of America, a land that is lucky to call him a son.

Thank you for your consideration.

Chas Smith

(But if you copy mine don’t put Chas Smith. Put Shane Beschen.)

Kolohe Andino sends pointed July 4 message to fans: “I will never apologise for being American!”

“Equal rights for all, special privileges for none."

A little history, if y’don’t mind a real quick detour.

Between 1966 and 1976 the original dirty bastard Mao Zedong (didn’t wash, brush his teeth, had body lice etc) mounted his Cultural Revolution, tearing down statues, outlawing wrong-think, seizing property, discrediting, harassing and disappearing noted scientists.

In his famous tract the Little Red Book, Mao explained his reasons thus,

“Our objective is to struggle against and crush those people in authority who are taking the capitalist road, to criticize and repudiate the reactionary bourgeois academic ‘authorities’ and the ideology of the bourgeoisie and all other exploiting classes and to transform education, literature and art…”

Sounds familiar?

Yeah, it do.

Now, despite it being the year of Antifa, BLM etc, Kolohe Andino is proud as hell to be American and ain’t one to let his country’s Independence Day swing by without pushing his chest out, even if a patriot’s head above the parapet is ripe for attack.

On Instagram, Kolohe writes,

Happy Birthday to the USA. Feel truly honored, blessed and grateful to be from this glorious land. I will never apologize for being American and fly those colors proud. In my mind, everyday is July 4th.

And then,


Kolohe quotes the architects of the modern American independent state,

“Freedom is not a gift bestowed upon us by other men, but a right that belongs to us by the laws of God and nature. “ – Benjamin Franklin

“Equal rights for all, special privileges for none.”  – Thomas Jefferson

“He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.” – Benjamin Franklin

The response?

“Bravo,” wrote his shaper Matt Biolos.

Evan Geiselman, threatened with “being cancelled” yesterday for liking a Trump tweet, wrote, “Incredible.”

Brett Simpson, shaper Doc Lausch, Torrey Meister, filmer Peter King and various other notables lined up to praise the young patriot.

A few notes of dissent, some saying it “wasn’t the time” etc, and this from Australian softboard manufacturer Drag Board Co, “Staunch supremacy while ya country’s gone down the shitter. M8.”

I like Kolohe and it ain’t a minor thing to be an American patriot.

Whether you agree or not, kid should be praised for his ability to form his own opinions.


Business: Surfline quietly increases subscription price by 35%, gouging shocked customers during Covid-19 pandemic!


And happy 4th of July to my fellow Americans who are waking, like me, with a renewed sense of our shared values. Me first, that’s mine, gimme, etc. Oh these are certainly difficult times but we’ve survived, flourished, under harsher circumstances. Enterprising individuals or companies even growing extraordinarily wealthy on the bent backs of hard-working middle-class folk.

Industrious American companies like Surfline that thought a global pandemic featuring much uncertainty, job loss, fear etc. was the perfect time to raise subscription rates by 35% without telling their customers, rather letting them find out on surprise bank statements.

$69 straight up to $99 for the year very, very quietly.


The practice, called price gouging, is generally frowned upon but Surfline’s customers seemed to enjoy the gift.

@nihilist999 wrote: “Lol leave it to Surfline – raises their membership prices 35% during a global pandemic and auto-bills without a word about the price hike.”

@Out4theyear added: “I got an email from my bank the other day that I was charged $99.99 by Surfline. So glad they let me know thy jacked the price up beforehand. Also, checked my local report today that said FLAT. Poor-Fair conditions look.”

Very fun, though apparently if you were a member before 2018 then you got to stay on the “legacy” price. Still, Surfline joins fine company in its business behavior, like gas stations after hurricanes and black market toilet paper sellers.

Happy 4th to them.

And Happy 4th to you too.

Watch: Giant osprey swoops into ocean and grabs baby shark, horrifying toddlers and their left-leaning parents!


A giant osprey, initially misidentified as a proud bald eagle, put on a show in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, swooping into the ocean and fishing out a baby shark.

Toddlers, who have almost forgotten the song “Baby Shark”, were horrified and expected mommy shark, daddy shark and grandma shark to be clutched and paraded across the sky next.

Their left-leaning parents, equally horrified by a display of species-on-species violence, assumed the bird to be a straight white male and the baby shark to be the rights of indigenous peoples.

Myrtle Beach had not seen this kind of excitement since Kenny Powers went boogie boarding there almost a decade ago.