Lift your voice!

On July 3rd, while standing in front of South Dakota’s Mount Rushmore, President Donald J. Trump unveiled his administration’s plan to build a National Garden of American Heroes which will be “a vast outdoor park that will feature the statues of the greatest Americans to ever live.”

“A very fine idea…” I thought and quickly went searching for the Executive Order, scrolled to the list of those to be included in the National Garden of American Heroes…

The National Garden should be composed of statues, including statues of John Adams, Susan B. Anthony, Clara Barton, Daniel Boone, Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain, Henry Clay, Davy Crockett, Frederick Douglass, Amelia Earhart, Benjamin Franklin, Billy Graham, Alexander Hamilton, Thomas Jefferson, Martin Luther King, Jr., Abraham Lincoln, Douglas MacArthur, Dolley Madison, James Madison, Christa McAuliffe, Audie Murphy, George S. Patton, Jr., Ronald Reagan, Jackie Robinson, Betsy Ross, Antonin Scalia, Harriet Beecher Stowe, Harriet Tubman, Booker T. Washington, George Washington, and Orville and Wilbur Wright.

…and became intensely sad.

No 11 x World Champion, greatest surfer to ever live, from Cocoa Beach but now Lemoore Kelly Slater?

Impossible so I read again and became violently sad.

But then, a spark of inspiration struck me right between the eyes.

It is incumbent upon us, American surfers (Australians, South Africans, Brazilians, British too if you all feel inclined), to have Kelly Slater’s statue included.

How?

I think we start by contacting Florida’s Republican Governor Ron DeSantis (here) or simply [email protected]

You can use my email to him, below, or create your own.

Dear Governor DeSantis,

As you are certainly aware, President Trump recently announced a National Garden of American Heroes which is a fine idea but, sadly, the list of American Heroes to be included in the park has one glaring hole.

Florida’s own Kelly Slater.

The 11x World Champion is also inarguably the greatest surfer to ever live. His exploits in the water are only matched by his passion for the environment on land, where he builds large, beautiful wave pools. 

Kelly Slater is a model citizen, donating his time to many causes near to his heart, namely helping provide guidance and correct thought to those who believe the earth is flat via Instagram.

The inclusion of a Kelly Slater statue in the National Garden of American Heroes will be a wonderful day for both Florida and the United States of America, a land that is lucky to call him a son.

Thank you for your consideration.

Chas Smith

(But if you copy mine don’t put Chas Smith. Put Shane Beschen.)

America!

And happy 4th of July to my fellow Americans who are waking, like me, with a renewed sense of our shared values. Me first, that’s mine, gimme, etc. Oh these are certainly difficult times but we’ve survived, flourished, under harsher circumstances. Enterprising individuals or companies even growing extraordinarily wealthy on the bent backs of hard-working middle-class folk.

Industrious American companies like Surfline that thought a global pandemic featuring much uncertainty, job loss, fear etc. was the perfect time to raise subscription rates by 35% without telling their customers, rather letting them find out on surprise bank statements.

$69 straight up to $99 for the year very, very quietly.

Shhhhhhhhh.

The practice, called price gouging, is generally frowned upon but Surfline’s customers seemed to enjoy the gift.

@nihilist999 wrote: “Lol leave it to Surfline – raises their membership prices 35% during a global pandemic and auto-bills without a word about the price hike.”

@Out4theyear added: “I got an email from my bank the other day that I was charged $99.99 by Surfline. So glad they let me know thy jacked the price up beforehand. Also, checked my local report today that said FLAT. Poor-Fair conditions look.”

Very fun, though apparently if you were a member before 2018 then you got to stay on the “legacy” price. Still, Surfline joins fine company in its business behavior, like gas stations after hurricanes and black market toilet paper sellers.

Happy 4th to them.

And Happy 4th to you too.

The hottest club in town!

But oh my goodness how excited are you to think that, right now, allegedly, Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch’s wooden gates are swinging wide for a gaggle of bright-eyed World Surf League Qualifying Tour veterans, cameras rolling to catch their various reactions, as they begin their journey to become The Ultimate Surfer?

I don’t know exactly when the reality television show is supposed to begin filming but I heard July and now we are in July and so…

It will be a funny show, at the very least, and maybe fun though I can’t imagine any real talents will be discovered. Hidden stars don’t exist any more. Still, will the assembled team of coaches etc. take a professional surfer we have seen many times before, like Yago Dora say, twist a few screws and turn him into a competitive machine who knows exactly what to do to get up in the excellent range?

Possibly.

What about Evan Geiselman?

The stylish Florida pro has long been one of my favorites but maybe we should just keep that between us as he was recently caught “liking” one of President Donald J. Trump’s tweets which, in turn, led to calls for his cancellation.

Have you ever wondered where people go when they get cancelled? Is there a club for them? The Cancelled Club where Lana Del Rey croons, Jimmy Fallon performs his brand of “edgy” comedy and the reality television show COPs plays on closed-circuit televisions?

It sounds nice.

Since Evan will not be at Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch, I wonder if Dooma Fahrenfort can take his place? I always thought the powerful South African had what it takes to make it all the way to the top.

Oh.

Never mind.

He got cancelled too.

Sad.