Austrian energy drink manufacturer Red Bull releases much anticipated “How to Longboard Surf: An In-Depth Guide” thereby publicizing long held secrets passed down from older semi-broken father to physically inferior son!

Get learnt!

It is extremely difficult to keep secrets in our modern internet age, see Jeff Epstein, but the ancient art of longboarding has kept itself shaded. Nuances and tips handed down, orally, from older semi-broken father to son no able or willing to surf a proper board.

Joel Tudor plying his trade in darkness.

Well, no longer as Austrian energy drink manufacturer Red Bull has just published the entire run of show in its just released “How to Longboard Surf: An In-Depth Guide.

Tears rolling down salt-crusted cheeks from Cardiff-by-the-Sea to Byron, Australia.

A way of life vanished.

But let’s learn, real quick, how to longboard surf.

What exactly do you need in order to longboard?

Just a few things, really…A swimsuit or wetsuit (depending on water temp), fin(s) for the board, surf wax, leg leash, sunscreen, and of course, a longboard. You can purchase most of these items from most surf shops.

Where do you go to longboard surf?

It is definitely true that there are surf breaks more suited for longboarding, and others that are not. The ones that are not: break quickly, hard, and in shallow water. Like Pipeline, for instance.

How to longboard surf?

As this is a “how to longboard surf” as opposed to “how to surf at all,” we’re assuming you know the bare-basics. As in—paddling and popping up to stand on your board. Both of these things can be practiced on dry land, by the way, to refresh. The great thing about longboard surfing (as opposed to other, shorter surfboards), is that they’re far easier to balance on and ride.

Tears rolling down Joel Tudor’s cheeks.

All laid bare.

“Man-eating” Great White Shark singles woman out of San Francisco lineup: “The sucker was eight-feet and went right for her!”

Vindication for Laird.

Three years ago, to the day-ish, famous waterperson Laird Hamilton was stopped in his Malibu by celebrity news gatherer TMZ and asked about shark attacks. The one-time surfer responded that more people are killed by soda machines than bitten by sharks, adding, “The main reason to be bitten is a woman with her period. People don’t really think about that. Obviously if a woman has her period there’s a certain amount of blood in the water…”

Condemnation was swift from actress Lena Dunham, the National Organization of Women and scientists as Hamilton’s statement had no basis in observable fact.

Until yesterday when a group of surfers were out at Pacifica, very near San Francisco, when an eight-foot Great White Shark bypassed a “cluster” of men and made a beeline for the lone female.

According to Bevan Bell, who was out amongst it, “I saw this big gray shape, just under the surface of the water, and that top fin, and the big shark went directly under her. The length of that sucker was like 8 feet. It went right towards her, and as the wave lifted her up [on her board], it literally went right under her.”

Bell also said that he was yelling at her to pull her legs out of the water, but she didn’t understand what he was saying.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, am I right?

In any case, it is unclear if menstruation was a factor or not but it can be certain that Laird Hamilton is sitting in his Malibu compound right now, maybe in an ice bath, drinking an invigorating cup of coffee mixed with his eponymous SuperFood Creamer.

Feeling good about his big brain.

Chatting with Lena about stuff.


Also, how do you feel about the name “Bevan?”

Yay or Nay?

Feisty Whites.

Australia’s Great White Crisis: New documentary by Discovery Channel investigates why Western Australian sharks are “more aggressive than others”…

Secrets revealed?

Last week, I spent one fascinating hour examining the new military-grade crankshaft tourniquets of Mr Jon Cohen, the emergency department doctor who has made it his business to stem the death rate from Great White shark attacks in Australia.

His new shark bite kits are a work of art.

Rip it open, pour the calico package onto the sand, it unfurls, the instructions are printed on the fabric and out spills the crank-shaft tourniquet, a smaller SWAT version you can keep in your wetsuit, as well as plastic gloves, and various pads for mopping up the expected torrent of blood.

Jon lives in Sydney most of the year but spends a little time each year in the ED of Esperance Hospital in south-west Australia, a town reeling from recent multiple attacks by Great Whites.

Seventeen-year-old surfer Laeticia Brouwer, killed; Sean Pollard, a surfer, left arm and right hand gone; Gary Johnson, hit by a White as soon as he dived into the water to set his anchor, killed.

Jon knows hits by Great Whites in Esperance are a new reality.

“I know some guys who were in the ED that day (Laeticia Brouwer was killed) and it was a traumatic experience to manage. Cases like that are preventable deaths. People can act on the beach if they’re there when it happens. It might be scary to talk about but it’s reassuring to know that there is something you can do and it’s not complicated.”

He doesn’t have, or won’t share, any opinion concerning solutions to a growing population but he does have a solution post-hit. His goal is to have a shark bite kit at all the main beaches, and he runs regular classes on what to do if a White takes a limb.

His kits even include a sticker to put on your car to show you’re packing a tourniquet and the skills to staunch a wound.

Esperance has become such a byword for Great Whites, the Discovery Channel brought a New York-based marine biologist, Dr Craig O’Connell, to the isolated town to film a documentary exploring the peculiarly aggressive nature of Esperance’s Great Whites.

All this went down before the hail of attacks by Great Whites on Australia’s North and Mid-North Coasts, including two fatalities, and a handful of near-misses, all within three months.

The film, called Lair of the Great White, made for Discovery’s Shark Week, investigates “why a population of great whites off the coast of Western Australia is so much more aggressive than others”.

O’Connell and his film crew only used a cage to get to the seabed and back to the boat. After that it was balls to the wall, so to speak.

“Once we were on the sea floor, we had a bunch of scientific tasks that we had to accomplish and a lot of those required us to get outside of the cage. We can use the caves and the crevices as a way to keep a nice ledge to our backs so the sharks can’t come from behind,” he said.

Any secrets revealed?

Only that the joint hosts a Great White nursery.


(Watch here, although y’gonna need the keys to a TV-sub service.)

Culture Wars erupt in France as national pastime, topless sunbathing, comes under fire for “harming the sweet and precious eyes of innocent children!”

"Guided by a desire for appeasement..."

The word has shifted a few more degrees closer to what scientists call “complete upside-down-ness” when, last weekend, two women sunbathing topless on a French beach (faire briller les balises de la liberté in the local tongue) were asked to cover up as they were offending a nearby family.

Shock and outrage spread through the nation with the interior minister weighing in, “It was wrong that the women were warned about their clothing. Freedom is something precious.”

It was once made illegal in several French towns to wear the full-body covering “Burkini.”

The police officers, fearing for their lives, released the following statement, “Guided by a desire for appeasement, the police asked the people concerned if they would agree to cover their chest after they explained the reason for their approach.”

“Guided by a desire for appeasement” is the country’s unofficial anthem.

The bikini happened to be invented in France, 75-years ago, though many opt for the “monokini” or bottoms alone.

Gazing at monokinis on the beach has long been sport for professional surfers traveling to Europe from the more prudish United States of America with looks of wide-eyed amazement featuring in many of our best films.

It appears that no further action will be taken, momentarily relieving scientists who don’t know the full consequences of reaching “complete upside-down-ness.” There is worry Kelly Slater might want to become Sal Masekela’s best friend in the whole wide world but be regularly sent to voicemail and other such mind imploding business.

People menacing and eating sharks in the water etc.

Very off-putting.

Fanning and sharks from new Nat Geo documentary. | Photo: Save This Shark

Long read: Mick Fanning on Great White J-Bay hit and the continuing nightmares, “I still have this PTSD… I was so insignificant to that shark”

"The most brutal conclusion imaginable wrapped inside an ocean monster six metres long, weighing two tonnes, with an open mouth that is red, the colour of blood, and white, the colour of teeth."

It’s a quirk of fate that Mick Fanning, three-time world champion, will be remembered, forever, as the surfer who was almost cleaved in two, live, by a fifteen-foot White at Jeffreys Bay in 2015.

In a profile in today’s The Weekend Australian, the decorated journalist and author Trent Dalton works his lyrical alchemy, wrapping the attack around the death of two brothers, a divorce and a new documentary Fanning stars in called Save This Shark.

Five years on, Fanning tells his interlocutor that he still dreams about the hit.

The nightmare is mostly the same every time. He’s back in the water on his surfboard and he’s waiting for a wave and he knows it’s ­Jeffreys Bay, South Africa, where all the madness began in 2015 and if he knows where he is in the dream then he knows what’s coming. Death. A splash behind him because that’s how it happened in real life. He turns around on his board and what he sees is the end of the ride. The end of all good things. A finale to an impossibly full life of only 39 years. The most brutal conclusion imaginable wrapped inside an ocean monster six metres long, weighing two tonnes, with an open mouth that is red, the colour of blood, and white, the colour of teeth.

And then he wakes and he realises he’s still alive. Still in one piece. Same ol’ unassuming, uncomplaining, knockabout, sun-bleached Gold Coast surfing genius Mick Fanning, flat on his back and sucking deep breaths in the darkness of early morning, sweaty head full of dreaming, ­beating heart too full of muscle remembering.

The most brutal conclusion imaginable wrapped inside an ocean monster six metres long, weighing two tonnes, with an open mouth that is red, the colour of blood, and white, the colour of teeth.

“I mean, it’s like I’m in the actual position I was in,” Fanning says. “It’s a reality dream. You sort of learn your body can do so many things to make things real and not real and I just had to learn, ‘OK, that moment’s been done. It’s not real. These dreams are just coming back’.”

He shakes his head in the cool winter air of Coolangatta, shivers with his hands in the pockets of a black winter coat, seated at a cafe table beside the footpath of a bustling post-morning-surf ­dining precinct. “I still have this PTSD where, if people splash behind me, it freaks me out,” he says. He chuckles when he says this. It’s not the laugh of a man trying to put on a brave face. It’s the laugh of a man trying to make sense of the absurd; a man grappling with a trauma that he realises he avoided confronting for close to five years.

Most of The Weekend Australian’s stories are shackled by a paywall.

This ain’t.

Read here.