"We wish we could always live in harmony with them, but when we venture into the ocean, they are the top predator."

Call it the new normal, I suppose, although a better expression might be, prepare to die in the mouth of a ten-foot Great White ‘cause there ain’t the political will or the stomach to start killin’ Whites.

Along with Jon Cohen’s shark bite kits featuring SWAT tourniquets that can be stuffed in wetsuits and Ukranian-made, war-proven crank handle tourniquets kept in cars and in lifeguard towers, a Gold Coast-based surfer is marketing a stainless steel spike you keep in your wetty and, when attacked, you pull out of sheath and stab hell out of beast.

The Biteback, which sells for forty-five Australian dollars, is made from 316 stainless steel, (the second best in the game, use 304 if you wanna the best), has a plastic handle (recycled ocean plastic) and is designed, says its inventor, not to kill but to give the attacking shark second thoughts.

According to marketing literature attached to the device,

“We love and respect these gods and have a long history with them. We wish we could always live in harmony with them, but when we venture into the ocean, they are the top predator. Humans have no natural defense, except for our brains. Research has shown that sometimes, all it takes is a sharp bump or poke around its face to dissuade it of further interaction…

“Finding yourself in the company of a hungry or curious shark is not a good feeling, seeing as we have no natural defense.
We do have brains however and research has shown that the eyes, gills and electroreceptors concentrated around a shark’s snout (Ampullae of Lorenzini) are their most sensitive parts. Therefore we’ve designed and developed The Biteback to help fend and fight off these apex predators and increase your odds of survival in an ‘investigation’ or attack.”

You got the wherewithal to drive that shiny 316 blade into the White’s beak?

Examine, buy here. 

A witness described the injury as from “the groin area down to just below his knee… it was pretty much all taken. It was pretty much all hanging there by not much.”

In a now familiar piece of theatre that’s been playing out along a few hundred clicks of Australia’s east coast, a surfer has been killed by a suspected Great White shark, the third fatality by Great White in three months. 

The man was found face down in the water by another surfer just before sunset at Greenmount Beach, the final jigsaw piece in the SuperBank puzzle. 

The man was brought to shore, lifeguards staunched the wound, hit the CPR buttons. The man, who was forty-six, died at the scene. 

It’s the first fatal attack on the Gold Coast since a 1958 hit in Surfers Paradise and the first fatal attack, ever, since shark nets were introduced to the Gold Coast almost sixty years ago.

One man who helped drag the man to the beach said he was “pretty much gone” by the time they got him to a stretcher.

The witness described the injury as from “the groin area down to just below his knee… it was pretty much all taken. It was pretty much all hanging there by not much.”

Fairy dust or essential nutritional addendums? It don't matter! Invest!

Laird Hamilton is the supersonic mouthpiece, and part-owner, 13.5 percent if y’wondering, of Oregon-based company Laird Superfood, the company he created in 2015.

It sells plant-based coffee creamers, including one made from an ocean algae called Aquamin, which will toughen up your bones, “premium” instant coffee, freeze-dried coconut water and assorted other treats that line up under the umbrella of  “superfoods”.

Before you tuck your napkin into your collar, it might be prudent to point out, here, that frizzling your body with superfoods don’t automatically turn you into Laird Hamilton.

Or toughen up your bones,

“Food is more than the sum of its parts,” writes Peter Lipson in Forbes. “Some of the vitamins present in foods are necessary in small amounts to maintain health, a fact that has over the years led us to think that there are more magic substances in food.  This has not been borne out by science.  None of the myriad ‘antioxidants’ and other magical substances discovered in foods has ever been found to provide some sort of revolutionary health benefit.”

It don’t hurt sales.

Laird Superfoods did thirteen-million dollars last year although the company recorded a net loss of $8.5 mill.

Selling the gear too cheap? Not according to the IPO’s prospectus.

“Strong gross margins provide Laird Superfood with a sustainable competitive advantage…”

Go figure, as they say in the trades.

The forty mill Laird Superfood is hunting in this public offering ain’t such a stretch for the fifty-six-year-old who was born in the UCSF’s Medical Center’s bathysphere, mammy and bebe enjoying zero gravity for the birth.

It raised ten mill from Danone Manifesto Ventures in April and WeWork founder Adam Neumann, a surfer bro of Laird, was part of a thirty-two mill round of funding in 2019 

Of course, all foods live or die by taste.

And BeachGrit‘s Jen See was at the vanguard of Laird Superfood in 2018.

When I ate the Superfood I did not immediately acquire the ability to fly or anything useful like that. Presumably it added calcium to my bones, but I felt nothing. Not even a tingle. This was slightly disappointing.

I mixed the Hydrate with bottled water in a 12-ounce container as the instructions demanded. Once mixed, it has a milky, white color. The flavor is nothing to write home about. Not terrible! Just not super exciting.

It needed something. I rummaged around the kitchen and found vodka of questionable vintage. I added the vodka to the Hydrate. Mmm, vodka. I added more. Even better. Then I was out of coconut water Superfood. More Vodka. What were we talking about again, I don’t know. Vodka, good. Next time, I skip straight to vodka. More vodka.

I approached the Instafuel with trepidation. Instant coffee. I once carried a French Press in my camera bag on a bike-packing trip in Oregon. This was a stupid decision, because packing out wet coffee grounds is stupid. But it does give you an idea of my feelings about instant coffee.

I again entered the kitchen to boil the required boiled water, which just about exhausts my kitchen repertoire. I added boiling water to the instant coffee and Superfood mixture. It dissolved! Magic! A thin layer tan bubbles, resembling crema, appeared on the surface. I know this game. I see you, Instafuel! I see you trying to fool me into thinking you are actually good coffee! You can’t fool me.

If you like your coffee very sweet and you enjoy coconut-flavored things, Laird Superfood Instafuel is your dream morning libation. It is easy to make! And almost instant! But so is Starbucks Via, which more closely resembles coffee.

Browse the Laird Superfood range here.

Ships worldwide.