Listen: Longtom and Chas Smith on stalkers, empty political gestures and the conjoining of the Great White shark to modern culture wars: “The Great white shark as an avenging spirit for deeply misanthropic thinking that regards humans as a cancer on the planet.”
And, what if you hate Bad Grandpa Biden but love Kammy Haz? Where does that leave a man?
On a sleepy morning recently, one man in Lennox Head, another in Cabo San Lucas and the other in Sydney, the important matters of critical race theory, the proliferation of stalkers of surf stars on the Gold Coast, the beatification of the Great White and more were discussed in a roundtable of sorts.
Was Tyler Wright’s BLM protest a wonderful thing or was it an empty gesture, a confected outrage?
EJ Coffey and sis have monetised their asses for men that like to jerk their hips. Good or no?
The reason black kids don’t surf in Australia is because of the high cost of coastal real estate. Fact or fiction?
Patagonia says “Vote the assholes out.”
What if you hate Bad Grandpa Biden but love Kammy Haz? Where does that leave a man?
Some very poor audio, as usual.
Peeping Tom: Once-bucolic Encinitas grants Surfline permission to add more cameras at Moonlight and Swami’s; Surfline, in turn, insures they “can’t be redirected to stare at sunbathers on the beach!”
As much hullaballoos and ruckuses as major media cause, it’s still the small town, local newspaper where true information resides. Honest facts presented honestly, not fired in the kiln of “left” or “right.” Not glazed with a lead-free layer of bias.
And it was this morning that I read in the Encinitas Advocate that Surfline, a company that invites you to “know before you go,” had been granted unanimous approval by the Encinitas City Council to add four more cameras on public structures.
The deal, which will last three years, allows for three cameras to be affixed to the Marine Safety Center at the very popular with inland residents Moonlight Beach and one on the lifeguard station at iconic Swami’s.
The city will receive $645 a month total, which seems like a sweetheart deal. Like, not at all the going market rate. Like, worthy of investigation.
The City Council, heading off potential criticism, insured their public that “…the camera systems are controlled by the Surfline company, not the subscribers, so viewers can’t redirect them to stare at sunbathers on the beach.”
And this raises very much concern. I am assuming the Encinitas City Council has never met anyone who worked for Surfline. Never gazed into those beady eyes, heard the darkness seeping unfiltered from those mouths. Never felt the cold, clammy handshake or been touched, inappropriately, slightly below the waistline.
Surfline men, including Surfline Man, are never to be trusted. Not trusted to deliver accurate surf forecasts nor trusted to hold to even the lowest standard of decorum.
From this point hence, we must assume that Huntington Beach’s Surfline office is wallpapered with images of Moonlight and Swami’s sunbathers.
Australian foilboarder breaks silence on Cabarita Beach Great White attack: “I left my board and I crawled up the beach and I lay on my stomach bawling my eyes out.”
"I was off my board and on top of the bloody thing. It was like I was submerged on a rock, it was so hard and rough."
Three days ago, foilboarder and noted local surfer Christian Bungate was hit by a Great White at the site of last weekend’s Tweed Heads Pro, the animal, which was described as a “tank”, leaving behind a tooth in the foil’s carbon fibres.
Bungate, was, initially at least, loathe to talk to the press, preferring, according to friends, a few days to process the event.
“It was like there was an oil slick next to me, it was so big. It came up so slowly, and I literally shit myself and kicked it as hard as I could with my right leg.”
The White hit his board and knocked him into the water.
“I was off my board and on top of the bloody thing. It was like I was submerged on a rock, it was so hard and rough.”
As he managed to scramble off, the predator came at him with jaws gaping, but bit the board instead. Mr Bungate was convinced if he had been on a standard surfboard rather than a foil board, which has a 70cm keel and wings instead of a fin, he would be dead.
“I’m 100 per cent sure if I was on a normal surfboard it would’ve given the shark clear access to get straight back at me and it probably would’ve taken out my stomach,” he said. “Instead it caught the wing of my foil board, hence why there’s a bloody tooth in it. I left my board and I crawled up the beach and I lay on my stomach bawling my eyes out.”
World famous DJ and influencer Diplo nearly decapitated at Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch: “I got rocked!”
Oh the unseen dangers lurking amongst the tule fog and cow stink of central California’s Lemoore. There is: 1) Stiffer than normal whiskey sodas poured at the Tachi Palace Casino Resort by gruff bartenders. 2) Methamphetamine. 3) Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch which boasts “The World’s Best and Longest Barrel for Human Beings Under Three Feet Tall.”
I know first hand.
When Derek Rielly and I traveled there, a handful of years ago, to participate in “media day” at the aforementioned Surf Ranch we shared a comfortable room at the Tachi Palace and drank a handful of whiskey sodas each. I somehow escaped the head-splitting, stomach-turning hangover but Derek Rielly did not, waking up the morning we were scheduled to hunch into the aforementioned barrel very green in the face.
He somehow worked through his discomfort and put on quite a show for Chris Cotê, Vaughn Dead, Nick Carroll and others.
I did not and as poet laureate Ben Marcus enjoys immortalizing, bounced off the cement bottom and loosened my arm from its socket.
It was not the first time. My arm had been loosened from its socket a good 30-ish times prior but still very frustrating and as I shuffled to the pool’s edge, reinserting it, I was very frustrated though semi-placated myself with re-inserting it in front of the lifeguard while sneering about medical attention. Like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon.
Well, I am now joined by world famous DJ and influencer Diplo who just became nearly decapitated by the Oompa-Loompa.
Ouch but I feel Diplo’s pain. That 30-ish time was enough for me to get my arm surgically sewn in and while it was a horrible experience my arm no longer falls out of place. I would recommend the same to Diplo, re. his head, and will hope that poet laureate Ben Marcus also eulogizes him.
Desperately Seeking: “(40) Male, legendary pro surfer with dreamy eyes, handsome face, chiseled physique. Adults swoon at the sight of him and children aspire to be him!”
Very famous television producer Darren Starr (Sex and the City, Beverly Hills 90201, Melrose Place) has a new project currently airing that may require you. The show is called Younger and mainly set in New York City, chronicling the personal and professional life of Liza Miller, a divorced 40-year-old woman with a teenage daughter and a failed marriage that collapsed due to her former husband’s gambling addiction. After 26-year-old tattoo artist Josh mistakenly thinks that he and Liza are about the same age, she concocts a plan to pass herself off as a 20-something to re-enter the ageist industry of publishing, later becoming the assistant of Empirical Press marketing head Diana Trout and befriending Kelsey Peters, a co-worker.
Obviously very fabulous and coming up on its seventh season, which is where you come in. Episode 703 is desperately seeking “(40) Male, legendary pro surfer, he has become his own brand with a sustainable clothing line, reality television show, as well as a sizable and meaningful charitable foundation. With dreamy eyes, handsome face and chiseled physique adults swoon at the sight of him and children aspire to be him. At a pitch meeting for a book he wants to write he locks eyes with Liz and the chemistry is palpable.”
Now, of course Starr and team are desperately seeking Kelly Slater as, minus the sizable and meaningful charitable foundation, he ticks all the boxes but we must assume he is too busy to play himself (the generous version) on television.
Who knows Kelly Slater better than us though?
You’re 40, or could play 40, and male, aren’t you? Have enough insight into the mind of the greatest professional surfer of all time and are considered dreamy, handsome, chiseled or at least could be.