Smoke/Fire.

Where there is smoke, there is fire, or so the saying goes and I’ve smoked enough, over the course of my life, to know this to be true. Kelly Slater’s magnificent performance at the Billabong Pipe Masters in Memory of Andy Irons presented by Hydro Flask was… magnificent.

Phenomenal.

Otherworldly.

Kelly Slater finishing third over a whole pile of the best Pipe surfers alive, all basically teenagers. An otherworldly performance only thwarted by professional surfing’s arcane rules.

But which otherworld?

And have you read Faust? The Devil and Daniel Webster? Mephisto? The collected works of Anton Szandor LaVey?

I have and know, re. “ageless” Kelly Slater, there is enough smoke around mortals making deals with Satan himself to make hellfire.

The just wrapped Billabong Pipe Masters in Memory of Andy Irons presented by Hydro Flask.

A 48-year-old schooling his children.

It don’t happen naturally and examine closely the snap of Slater schooling his child John John Florence.

Yeah.

I thought/think it was/is Anton Szandor LaVey too.

The Devil and Kelly Slater.

More as the story develops.

It's the new old fashioned way.

It has become holiday tradition, in homes all over this world, to pop a Yule log in the fire, craft a fine copper pot of bubbling warm apple cider, gather the family, sit very near the Christmas tree, or menorah, and read passages, aloud, from the award-nominated Welcome to Paradise, Now Go to Hell.

The book, first released in 2013, was a sensation and documented a magical few week stretch in December on Oahu’s North Shore. All the classic seasonal characters are there, from Fast Eddie Rothman to Jamie O’Brien, current Pipe Master John John Florence to Graham Stapelberg. Each evoking that sense of wonderment and cheer.

Previously, the title had only been available in hardback, paperback and digital forms but, as of today, it is officially an audio book with author Chas Smith reading each word himself.

Come marvel at his renditions of pidgin, eastern Australian, western Australian and South African accents. Be amazed by his pronunciation of French and Hawaiian words.

Your holiday tradition will be remade as it will feel that Chas Smith is in your home, near your Christmas tree or menorah, drinking up all your delicious cider, reading those favorite passages with his iconic nasally drawl.

A new old fashioned way.

Buy here.

The "'insular peninsula."

But what was your favorite of Pipeline’s 50 heaviest moments that were showcased by our World Surf League during the just wrapped event? Chris Ward riding borrowed boards whilst putting on a tube clinic? The high-five? They were all wonderfully produced and gorgeously narrated by Ron Blakey making it difficult to pick but I, personally, enjoyed Tom Carroll’s snap (as illustrated here by the great Scott Chenoweth for Inherent Bummer).

As any halfway decent student of professional surfing history knows, Tom Carroll and his more famous brother Nick, come to us from Sydney’s Northern Beaches, a normally picturesque part of Australia now teeming with Covid-19 and under strict lockdown.

While this would, or could, worry the powers-that-be, the country’s Prime Minister Scott Morrison is not worried and mostly because of the Carrolls and their notoriously rotten, heavily-localized, attitudes.

Per the Daily Mail:

Prime Minister Scott Morrison said he believes Northern Beaches locals’ reluctance to leave their region, regardless of a pandemic, will help contain the virus.

‘Those of you who know Sydney well know that the peninsula is a very cohesive community that tends to keep to itself, a bit like the (Sutherland) Shire down where I’m from,’ he said on Monday.

‘And that is certainly assisting in making sure that the Avalon outbreak is staying exactly where it is.

‘As we go into these next few days, we will be watching carefully as we endeavour to understand whether there has been further seeding, or any seeding I should say — there hasn’t been at this point — in other parts of the city.’

Chief health officer Paul Kelly agreed with the prime minister’s sentiment, and said locals on the Northern Beaches, dubbed the ‘insular peninsula,’ tend to stay in their own bubble.

Imagine thinking that Covid restrictions might present an opportunity to go surf some Northern Beaches. You pack the car, make your way in and spot a nice teepee for which to surf. You park and go to take your board off the roof when a vicious snarling sound fills the air.

A terrifying hissing.

You look all around, then down, and there, barring their teeth at your kneecaps, are the Carrolls.

Well, you would leave your board where it was, get back in and drive away as fast as legally allowed.

Super spreader event thwarted.

Better than a vaccine.

"Wipe out! We're working on it. Paddling back out soon."

Yesterday, during the Billabong Pipe Masters in Memory of Andy Irons presented by Hydro Flask semifinals, the World Surf League’s internet feed crashed in the United States of America leaving great swaths of professional surf fans locked out of the action.

Technological glitches happen and I don’t fault the WSL, or its CEO Erik Logan, for the momentary troubles but I do blame them both for declaring “Wipe Out! We’re working on it. Paddling back out soon.”

Gabriel Medina was in the water battling against countryman Italo Ferreira who was wearing hot pants. It was tense, high-octane, a likely preview of finals day 2021. Professional surf fans were on the edge of their stools, early afternoon cocktails clutched tightly but unconsumed as the action was simply too great to turn away from.

All of a sudden nothing.

Frozen.

A suspended production.

Wild refreshing of browsers ensued which, eventually, was met by a bit of whimsy.

The professional surf fan’s blood, already boiling due the interruption, might have forgiven the WSL if surf jargon had not been incorporated into the message. “Wipe Out! We’re working on it. Paddling back out soon.” was a bridge too far.

Unconsumed cocktails were chucked at long-suffering dogs. Computers near cowering children.

Marriages destroyed.

What was otherwise an exceptional day turned dark and many lives will not fully recover.

“Wipe out! We’re working on it. Paddling back out soon.”

Sad.