Smoke/Fire.
Where there is smoke, there is fire, or so the saying goes and I’ve smoked enough, over the course of my life, to know this to be true. Kelly Slater’s magnificent performance at the Billabong Pipe Masters in Memory of Andy Irons presented by Hydro Flask was… magnificent.
Phenomenal.
Otherworldly.
Kelly Slater finishing third over a whole pile of the best Pipe surfers alive, all basically teenagers. An otherworldly performance only thwarted by professional surfing’s arcane rules.
But which otherworld?
And have you read Faust? The Devil and Daniel Webster? Mephisto? The collected works of Anton Szandor LaVey?
I have and know, re. ageless” Kelly Slater, there is enough smoke around mortals making deals with Satan himself to make hellfire.
The just wrapped Billabong Pipe Masters in Memory of Andy Irons presented by Hydro Flask.
A 48-year-old schooling his children.
It don’t happen naturally and examine closely the snap of Slater schooling his child John John Florence.
Yeah.
I thought/think it was/is Anton Szandor LaVey too.
The Devil and Kelly Slater.
More as the story develops.
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Been saying all along that if we were still doing Surfer magazine I would start at Kelly Is A Vampire campaign. Look at his chick! She’s so thin! He’s draining her!
He breaks his footage at JBay and is magically healed a few months later.
All its also true that vampires have no reflection so they can’t be photographed so maybe that wouldn’t work.
But watch him at Velzyland. Those reflexes are fast as Lightning.
The deal was documented in a deleted scene from “Momentum Generation”.
Sincerely,
Walter Mondale
I’ve been saying this since the ESA days. Growing up on the pond of Mexico side of the “Limp Dick” of the US (West of the shriveled nut sack if you must know), we heard of the rituals that were being conducted on the right coast meant to manifest the dark arts into Kechele’s Chosen One. Counter attempts were made Gulf side with prayers to Jesus but we only ended up with Sterling Spencer.
This is certainly one of those instances on Beach Grit where the comments you anticipate reading here make the story. Good work all. Good work Chas.
It’s why I head into the coal mine every morning.
You are providing that light in all of the darkness of our pathetic present state of being. Thank-you again for the trench work. The backward-fin-Wavestorm-Ziff and ELO-live feed outage-blanket will one day evaporate into the abyss right along with with Stab and its pay-wall. You shall be rewarded in the end symbolically by Ashton begging to get on board as a Beach Grit contributor.
but just know the anti-racist environmentalist is never unblocking you on Insta…
What the fuck is this spam shit??
An asshole who is a surfer, is just an asshole in my book. I do consider Slater the worlds greatest asshole surfer though.
is the devil and daniel webster the one where the boy makes a deal with the devil to be an awesome basketball player in his highschool team and he takes his team to the regional finals or whatever winning everything but then he gets a black cloud over him and it doesn’t end well?
rings a bell that one, think i might have read it in about 1987 and started looking out for the devil down at the crossroads so i could be a pro surfer the best in all the world eleven or twelve times over
fuck it i’m just going to go out on a limb here and say ralph should not have got that role in crossroads. fucken i should have!
I thought for a moment there was some inside proof from the internet that Slater was doing stem cell treatment from placentas but what for?? Maybe that’s how he has been garnering his youthful vitality!
For all these years he drew us in and made us believe he was a god
Speaking of dark and unholy forces, I think I’ll attempt to celebrate ‘CHRIST-BETH’ with an acapella rendition of the WSL theme song whilst ‘surfing’ with fins wardsback.
If I don’t summon a bikini-clad Sophie G, then I’ll likely start a hearty singalong from the merrily gathered throng midst the jolly swell as it turns Santa-coat red. The frolicking reindeer-of-the-sea gently caressing our appendages with razor-esque pearly-whites.
Mate surf tomoz morning looks good potentially??
You don’t have to be drunk to do surf journalism but, fuck, it sure does help.
Well, he’s been barreled more than anyone. Surfed fucking everywhere and banged a gazillion hot chicks . So I am gonna say it’s a soul worth sold. Satan is stoked.
sold, for an eternity in Hell?
sounds like a bad deal.
Pretty sure sure Kelly made that Faustian bargain when he was 15 years old. When he turns 50, he will be turning his soul over to the devil.
I have nothing to say about this
Well said
I think the entire tour should be named after blessed St Andy Irons. Who epitomizes everything unKe11y like St Andy? Even the young Billafuck riders remember his every turn. Everyone knows he was the best at all the venues and if it wasn’t for Dengue Fever, he would have at least 15 titles by now.
Problem is, E-Lo didn’t know where the ocean was during St Andy’s reign of superiority unmatched ever. E-Lo grew up in the era of Ke11y and relies on Billafuck to remind him that there would be no tour today without St Andy. Or Billafuck. Oh that pesky toxicology report never took into account the marketing angle of a deceased champion and naming rights to all the WSL contests for credibility.
If only Ke11y had distinguished himself at Pipe the way St Andy did?
In Billafuck, we trust.
They still market using his name, image etc. it’s a bit sketch. Btw, how fucking high did they think everyone was that we’d buy the whole dengue garbage. I know it’s been discussed many times, but it’s a real lowlight in the history of the sport and a true highlight of what capitalism does to otherwise good people. Makes them slaves to profit, any lie or pernicious act will do just don’t stop the profit.
Why did Paul Naude get out in front of the story and announce a cause of death? The hospitalizations for dehydration? Convincing ($) the Dallas Coroner Office to delay the autopsy chem work? Like why all this effort to craft a narrative in advance of the truth?
That’s the fucking tip of the iceberg.
Tried to buy time. And to be fair, they were his mates so were in mourning/shock.
No doubt only the tip. Not sure I need or want to know anymore though.
The point is, all that proactive subterfuge was unnecessary if they weren’t hiding something. Would Nike craft false realities to protect Tiger’s image? No, someone would have questioned them. JOURNALISTS would have asked questions, but there are none Waterproof in the surf world.
Just fucking Ad Copy Writers.
Now, Ke11y competes in Andy’s contest that ke11y has won waaaaaay more times than Andy. Chopes too.
You ever hear Joe mention that in the booth?
Yeah tiger got smashed in the media and he only banged a few broads, hit the piss and drove his wife crazy. Hell of a lot more dark in the surf world than golf though I guess. So many good stories hidden by those ad copiers no doubt.
One dark story of the golf world is that Tiger Woods doesn’t tip. Bellman, waiters, drivers. Nope, no tip. He feels that serving him is his gift to you. Google it. Lots of bitter service industry people venting about him.
He used to come here and play the Grand Slam of Golf Tournament and just stiff everybody his whole time here. And he has a shit ton of luggage with him when he travels too.
You inferring bong had people providing stuff to andy?
I think they were complicit in his drug use. It is well known Andy and Joel would disappear for days upstairs in the bong house at Pipe. That’s just one example..
Peer pressure on the kids staying in the house.
You know.
On this note, I often wonder how the current lineup of surfers for the 2024 Olympics are going to pass drug tests.. however, being a former licensed boat captain, I know how easy it is for these blokes to pass their tests (I never had to take one. me and drugs don’t get along –> control freak)
Fuck how good would Slats look with a little Satan style goatee and gay red cape. Chuck a little devil tail on the back of his wettie and hell might rise. I didn’t watch it but looks like Kelly was up first in photograph. Not a drop in by my rules. I always burn cunts sitting inside me if they are still paddling. It’s one of life’s great pleasures.
Ole Kelly Satan threaded it too, of course. Pretty damn deep, would have been a “good to excellent” score.
Yeah just watched it. Don’t reckon John John would’ve made it either. Fuck off this Brazzo affiliated interference rule. Come up with something better.
BL semi advocated bringing back sprint paddle around the can for priority at some point in the commentary. He said he hated it but that it evened the playing field or something. Would be a whole new skill set to develop!
What’s weirder, is that JJF kicked out of a wave further in, slats got one after but beat him to line up and lost priority due to some “last wave ridden” rule. Wtf is that, it doesn’t seem to be applied consistently that’s for sure.
do you think Kelly has found God? he shills all the enviro-talk about sustainability. figured he would have seen the light by now. considering hes a know it all and should get back to his middle eastern roots
Could see him and Pam dressed up in matching little red devil costumes, tiny capes to boot.
I might be drunk but i seriously can’t understand the title of this article
its not the booze
It’s a grower
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Brutusauras
Can we organise a BG celebrity fight night? I would love to promote the shit talk
I’d love to smash that cunts head in.
I hope he don’t have Aids
Wouldn’t be much inside.
Megasoreass
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalottapuss
Hahaha!!!!
A megasoreass
Lizard?
Lizwardo
Fuck I’d love to bash little Wardo. Good surfer though.
Sounds like you got another “raging clue”, about KS!?