Kafkaesque.

As you well know, I grew up surfing central-southern Oregon’s icy cold water. The Pacific there teems with life from crab to seal to the mighty Great White Shark herself. Shark sightings were common in and around my hometown and I swear I saw a massive silhouette, once, when I as out for a paddle near the long rock jetty jutting out from Bastendorff Beach.

Scary, though I always thought about my own spindly arms and legs then looked at the many seals swimming by, luscious and fat, and thought the shark would know better.

Well, apparently the beasts have developed a taste for spindle for last evening a surfer was tasted in Seaside, there in the very north.

The man, who was riding a fine Super Brand board, sustained non-life threatening injuries to his leg and was helped by fellow surfers and an off-duty lifeguard who fashioned a field tourniquet to stop the bleeding. The man was then transported to a local hospital for further evaluation.

The fire department said, “The incident serves as a valuable reminder to never recreate alone, in or out of the water. The fast response of fellow surfers was instrumental in providing aid to the victim.”

Very confusing advice in our Covid days when, I thought, we were supposed to recreate alone. Kafkaesque, I suppose.

In any case, I wonder if this expanded palate, amongst sharks, will hold or if human leg will simply be a trend. Like cronuts.

Did you ever have a cronut? I did and an original one too from the bakery that invented in New York City.

I was underwhelmed.

Updated: Super Brand has offered to give the Oregon hero a free board. If one of you know him, please pass along this turn of good luck.

Merry everything!

California will be shut down, entirely, by midnight tonight. No more pumping iron in the gym. No more getting super fit in the gym. But do you remember a simpler time, when the only terror that haunted our dreams was radical Islamic terrorism? A utopian bliss, in comparison and, as it happens, I wrote a book about that joy which you should gift friends and family.

Of course, when a book is being written much ends up on the floor. Like this passage right here.

On the way home from Somalia, a handful of years ago, I rode a weird transport airplane with four with 7-foot-tall Taliban. I can’t imagine they were up to any good in Somalia and their faces were etched into furious scowls beneath their black turbans, in the middle of their wildly bushy beards. I decided to sit next to them so at least I’d be the first to know when the hijacking was occurring. I mumbled something in the little Pashtu I knew and the 7-footer sitting next to me broke into a smile. We chatted in Arabic for the duration of the flight to Dubai. He leaned in heavily on me, insisting God was one and that I must recognize. I told him I agreed, and that Jesus was God was the Holy Spirit. Three in one. Weird but true. Absolute blasphemy to any Muslim and his frown returned. We went back and forth, he tried to trick me into saying the Hadith and converting to Islam, I told him I couldn’t. I was a believer too. At the end he capitulated and patted me on the shoulder with a giant, muscled paw and said, “You and I, we are people of the book.”

But you are a person of the book too, even if that book is the World Surf League Rule Book.

Pipeline is tomorrow-adjacent. Join the Surfvival League here before it’s too late. You can win $1000 and a Panda surfboard.

Happy Hanukkah (in four days)!

"If you don't surf, don't start."

Bah humbug. California’s governor Gavin Newsom just signed a sweeping state-at-home order, going in effect at midnight tonight, locking over 85% of the state’s population down until Christmas. No more nail salons or haircutting. Movie theaters re-shuttered and bars put under lock and key. Playgrounds, museums, zoos all boarded up. No word, as of yet, on the fate of French Laundry.

“We are at a tipping point in our fight against the virus and we need to take decisive action now to prevent California’s hospital system from being overwhelmed in the coming weeks. We can flatten the curve as we’ve done before and reduce stress on our health care system.” The governor said in a statement.

What is being left off the naughty list, this stay-at-home around, is surfing. Moreover, it is being actively encouraged.

Dr. Erica Pan, the state’s acting public health officer, said, “Staying home for three weeks is a sacrifice, but if every Californian did that for a month, we could stop this disease in its tracks. This public health order strikes the balance between saving lives, providing essential services that we all rely on and still allowing Californians to participate in lower-risk outdoor activities that are crucial for our physical and mental health.”

Lower-risk outdoor activities and I think we, as a community, have put up with enough, no? I’ve never seen more crowded lineups in all my days. It has, frankly, reached the absurd and so I would like to encourage Gov. Newsom and Dr. Pan to add one caveat into the order.

Michael Tomson’s brilliant edict “If you don’t surf, don’t start.”

Those who have picked up the Pastime of Kings during the Covid-era should be ordered, by caveat, to stay out of the lineup and/or go surf in Santa Barbara.

A fine compromise.