Give the gift of radical Islamic terrorism this beautiful Covid-19 holiday season: “On the way home from Somalia, just post 9/11, I rode an airplane with four 7-foot-tall Taliban!”

Merry everything!

California will be shut down, entirely, by midnight tonight. No more pumping iron in the gym. No more getting super fit in the gym. But do you remember a simpler time, when the only terror that haunted our dreams was radical Islamic terrorism? A utopian bliss, in comparison and, as it happens, I wrote a book about that joy which you should gift friends and family.

Of course, when a book is being written much ends up on the floor. Like this passage right here.

On the way home from Somalia, a handful of years ago, I rode a weird transport airplane with four with 7-foot-tall Taliban. I can’t imagine they were up to any good in Somalia and their faces were etched into furious scowls beneath their black turbans, in the middle of their wildly bushy beards. I decided to sit next to them so at least I’d be the first to know when the hijacking was occurring. I mumbled something in the little Pashtu I knew and the 7-footer sitting next to me broke into a smile. We chatted in Arabic for the duration of the flight to Dubai. He leaned in heavily on me, insisting God was one and that I must recognize. I told him I agreed, and that Jesus was God was the Holy Spirit. Three in one. Weird but true. Absolute blasphemy to any Muslim and his frown returned. We went back and forth, he tried to trick me into saying the Hadith and converting to Islam, I told him I couldn’t. I was a believer too. At the end he capitulated and patted me on the shoulder with a giant, muscled paw and said, “You and I, we are people of the book.”

But you are a person of the book too, even if that book is the World Surf League Rule Book.

Pipeline is tomorrow-adjacent. Join the Surfvival League here before it’s too late. You can win $1000 and a Panda surfboard.

Happy Hanukkah (in four days)!

Two days left of trading: Join BeachGrit’s winner-take-all Surfival League; $1000 and custom Panda surfboard prize!

Only surf Fantasy League with prize!

Fantasy Surfing is in a very poor state of disrepair. 

First, last year’s winner of WSL’s Fantasy Surfer was awarded no prize for beating 140,000 other players to become the champion. Not a Zoom call with Elo. Not an invite to Surf Ranch. No congratulatory Instagram post.


Read, WSL’s Fantasy Surfer Champ Revealed as Berlin-based Data-Journalist Who Says, “It’s a Dead Platform, Really!” 

Then, Fantasy Surfer tweeted “following the demise of Surfer, Fantasy Surfer has been left high and dry and the site is no longer functioning properly”.

A couple days after, good samaritans fixed the site but said they “are not sure if corporate will supply prizes.”


But we got the fix.

The perfect anti-depressive game for these “uncertain times”.

The Surfival League.

Real easy.

No teams.
No tiers.
No budgets.

Just pick one surfer.
They must advance past Round of 32.
If they don’t, you are out for the season.
If they do, you move on to the next event. You can’t pick the same surfer twice.

Last man standing wins the prize.


A prize! We’re not leaving you high and dry like the WSL and Surfer Mag (RIP).

The winner will receive a thousand bucks and a custom-shaped surfboard from Panda Surfboards.

All you have to do is Surfive.

Sign-ups close Monday, December 7 11:59 PM PST.

You in?

California governor Gavin Newsom signs sweeping stay-at-home order thereby guaranteeing record crowds in lineups: “Surfing is a healthy outdoor activity that should be pursued by young and old!”

"If you don't surf, don't start."

Bah humbug. California’s governor Gavin Newsom just signed a sweeping state-at-home order, going in effect at midnight tonight, locking over 85% of the state’s population down until Christmas. No more nail salons or haircutting. Movie theaters re-shuttered and bars put under lock and key. Playgrounds, museums, zoos all boarded up. No word, as of yet, on the fate of French Laundry.

“We are at a tipping point in our fight against the virus and we need to take decisive action now to prevent California’s hospital system from being overwhelmed in the coming weeks. We can flatten the curve as we’ve done before and reduce stress on our health care system.” The governor said in a statement.

What is being left off the naughty list, this stay-at-home around, is surfing. Moreover, it is being actively encouraged.

Dr. Erica Pan, the state’s acting public health officer, said, “Staying home for three weeks is a sacrifice, but if every Californian did that for a month, we could stop this disease in its tracks. This public health order strikes the balance between saving lives, providing essential services that we all rely on and still allowing Californians to participate in lower-risk outdoor activities that are crucial for our physical and mental health.”

Lower-risk outdoor activities and I think we, as a community, have put up with enough, no? I’ve never seen more crowded lineups in all my days. It has, frankly, reached the absurd and so I would like to encourage Gov. Newsom and Dr. Pan to add one caveat into the order.

Michael Tomson’s brilliant edict “If you don’t surf, don’t start.”

Those who have picked up the Pastime of Kings during the Covid-era should be ordered, by caveat, to stay out of the lineup and/or go surf in Santa Barbara.

A fine compromise.

Surfer attacked by Great White at Kangaroo Island, airlifted to hospital; Australia’s Great White crisis reaches boiling point: “There’s a lot of sharks… you have to expect anything, frankly,” says town mayor.

"We've got heavy concentrations of sea lions and a lot of sharks live in the waters around…"

A twenty-nine-year-old man is lucky to be alive after getting hit a Great White while surfing at D’Estrees Bay at Kangaroo Island, seventy miles south-west of Adelaide in South Australia. 

He suffered “serious lacerations” to his back and thigh.

The man, who was surfing a protected reef called Sewers, named so in the nineteen-sixties because locals said the barrel “spits you out like a piece of shit”, paddled to the beach and was driven to Kangaroo’s biggest town, Kingscote, where he was met by paramedics. 

First, the local hospital, then a chopper to Adelaide for treatment.

The attack didn’t surprise Kangaroo Island’s Mayor, Michael Pengilly. 

“It’s a very popular spot down where these people are surfing down at what’s called the sewer,” he told the national broadcaster. “There’s a lot of surf spots right around the island and of course we’ve got heavy concentrations of sea lions and a lot of sharks live in the waters around, particularly the south coast of Kangaroo Island. It’s not surprising, you’re going into their territory so you have to expect anything, quite frankly.”

The last attack on Kangaroo Island was in 2005 when twenty-six-year-old surfer Josh Berris survived a hit by putting his hand into the shark’s mouth to push it away. 

Last month, a Great White was photographed swimming under the Kingscote jetty. 

It’s the, dunno, sixth?, attack by a Great White on a surfer in Australia this year? 

Lemme count. 

The hit-and-run by a “freakishly big” White at Bunker Bay on a surfer near Margaret River,  the killing of teenage surfer Mani Hart-Deville at Wooli, north of Coffs Harbour, the death of Rob Pedretti at Casuarina, just south of the Gold Coast, Nick Slater, killed at the Superbank and well-known Esperance local Andrew Sharpe taken “almost whole” by a Great White at Kelpies, the same beach teenager surfer Laticia Brouwers was killed by a White in 2017 and where Sean Pollard, 23, had an arm and another hand bitten off by a Great White in 2014.

One week ago, surfers in Esperance were run out of the water by a Great White. 

And, a few days ago, a father and his kid were eyeballed by a “giant” Great White while surfing near Port Campbell in Victoria. 

Flake, or shark, is the animal you'll find wrapped in batter in an Australian serving of fish and chips. | Photo: @blairparker77

Just in: Dozens of dead sharks “dumped” at sight of WSL’s Boost Mobile Pro Gold Coast!

“This is devastating.”

A fiendishly clever Queensland man has pushed the buttons of vulnerable social media users with photographs of dozens of sharks apparently dumped on the beach at South Stradbroke Island, the sight of the WSL’s Boost Mobile Pro Gold Coast.

“Flake anyone?” writes Blair Parker.

Shark, with pilchards in mouth.

“Oooh man, that’s sad,” writes one.

“Yummmmm,” he responds.

“Parker, what are you doing to me. (Sad face emoji.) You’re killing me here.”

“Yummmmm… I know you like flake chips,” writes Parker.

“This is devastating.”

“Fish is good for your diet xx,” writes cheeky Parker.

Later, he brings in a little perspective.

“This is a great example of locally caught produce A family business catching local food to feed families like mine and yours. There are very few licenses available for net fishermen. They catch sustainable species… I eat fish… I’ve also worked on long line boats twenty years ago. In those days, they took the fins to send to the Chinese and threw the rest overboard. These sharks are prime examples of perfect eating variety.”

The Department of Fisheries, meanwhile, is sending a team to South Straddie to determine if any offences have been committed.

“Queensland Boating and Fisheries Patrol will investigate whether the reports of dead sharks on the beach are current and whether their presence is due to discarded bycatch,” a spokesperson said. “Local fishers should sort their catch further offshore and release any bycatch alive wherever possible.”

Yesterday, social media users were made very sad when the blood-spattered corpse of a juvie Great White was found dumped at Point Lowly, a popular swimming and diving spot in South Australia’s upper Spencer Gulf, around four hundred clicks north-west of Adelaide.