Italo Ferreira euthanises wildcard Mick Fanning with two closeout air-revs. | Photo: WSL/Matt Dunbar

Rip Curl Narrabeen Classic Day Two: “Italo Ferreira stopped Mick Fanning stone dead; it was like watching the last Dinosaur suffocating in a mud bog somewhere!”

Wildcard Mick out, Italo continues to flame, John John Florence shaky.

Two turn combo’s, grindy heats.

Tons and tons of grindy heats.

Tons and tons of fours and fives.

By the numbers this is pure mediocrity*.

By the end of the Aussie leg we’ll be up to our eyeballs in two-turn combos and grindy heats. But that won’t matter because Australia can support 4 CT’s. What happens next year is what’s most interesting.

Newcastle works as a CT venue.

Narrabeen works as a CT venue.

Do they ditch Snapper?

Bells is locked in, likewise Margarets.

The Search event will likely go the way of the dodo unless they can backdoor their way into some Classic regional break.

Possible, but unlikely.

Australia could do six CT’s easily. The funding is there. The crowd hunger to watch live CT surfing is there. We’ll watch intermittently and live comment our arses off.

I’ve always maintained a reasonable odds outcome if Ziff dumps pro surfing is the Aussie taxpayer picking up the bones of the Tour and making a decent fist of it. Six CT’s, maybe an Indo leg, Cloudbreak and a Pipe final. It doesn’t seem so outlandish all of a sudden, after seeing the enthusiasm for pro surfing that still exists in Sydney.

They mobbed White Lightning, shades of the Kelly-gasms’ that used to shudder through crowds of teenaged girls and middle aged men alike when the GOAT in his prime strode onto the sand.

Fanning didn’t come dead last.

He made it through the elimination round with a couple of slick two-turn combos.

He came second last. Italo stopped him stone dead, it was like watching the last Dinosaur suffocating in a mud bog somewhere. The answer to the question “Who in the Top 34 can stop Mick Fanning?” was answered pretty emphatically. All of ’em.

For all the talk of the “challenge” and the pressure that Mick was going to put on his opponents Italo paddled down the beach, surfed two close-outs within five minutes of each other and did two tail-high air reverses for a pair of sixes. Smothered him for the rest of the heat like a polyester suit, the kind old Eugene might have busted out for a big night in Surfers Paradise.

Micks 9.33 heat total would not have won any of the 12 Rd of 32 heats run this afternoon. Not one.

It wasn’t much of a heat really.

For all the talk of the “challenge” and the pressure that Mick was going to put on his opponents Italo paddled down the beach, surfed two closeouts within five minutes of each other and did two tail-high air reverses for a pair of sixes. Smothered him for the rest of the heat like a polyester suit, the kind old Eugene might have busted out for a big night in Surfers Paradise. Didn’t really matter in the end, the crowd got their Fanning fix.

It also solved the much bigger problem.

What if he won?

What to do then with the old bugger? Keep wheeling him out all year? Admit a man three years retired is still better than anyone on tour at riding two-to-three-foot beachbreaks?

The whole progression narrative would then have to be dumped, we’d have to admit stagnation in performance is a status quo.

Big, big problem for the League’s story-tellers and their shills.

There were some real strugglers today.

I’ve seen Conor O’Leary making mincemeat of sloppy, sloping lefts a squillion times. Today he sat, and sat. Seventeen minutes without catching a wave is a dud strategy. Wishing and hoping is not a way to win heats.

Mikey Wright was worse in his round one heat against Toledo. He rode one wave. One single wave. You need two. If you can hold your hand up to your face and count a thumb and one more finger you have the basic heat intelligence required to be a pro surfer. One. Two. You don’t want to end up back in the QS. Who the hell knows how that will shape up now.

Leo Fioravanti seemed like a good bet for these Aussie beach break events. A pair of sixes would have done the job. He ended up with a 9.57 total which would have beaten Fanning by a beesdick but hardly anyone else. It seemed like that Pipe play-off cursed both Wright and Leo. They’ve been dismal ever since.

Jeremy Flores called bullshit on the wave quality after squeaking through his morning heat. Explaining his exaggerated claim due to the fact he “can’t get motivated to surf these kinds of waves. The reason I’m tour is to surf amazing waves with only one other guy out”.

He called for a blocking interference in his heat with Jack Robinson after Robbo paddled from one end of the beach to the other to stuff him with priority. After looking at the rule it looked clear cut to me. Robinson made no effort to surf the wave, he merely took off to block Flores. The exact situation the rule was designed to prevent. Someone in the live comments** called Robbo the new bad guy, or potential new bad guy now that Medina has become surfings new Dalai Lama.

That could be a prophetic call. I hope Flores demands, and gets, a re-surf.

Medina looked OK, but in that sense where you get he’s just warming up. His best start ever. Could easily be leading by a country mile by the time Trestles comes around. Doesn’t matter though. Still has to find a way to solve the Italo problem.

JJF also looked OK, but in a much shakier, flakier way. The intent and the flair is there. Brittle completion rate remains an issue. Against Morgan Ciblic in the Rd of 16. If Morgs gets a solid start and makes JJF drop his lollies like he did at Newy that’ll put more pressure on for Margarets. It’s a very important heat for John.

It’s pleasing when little ol’ BG influences the booth.

After a long and gruelling campaign by yours truly and other commentors, Ethan Ewing finally surfed a heat without once being compared to Andy Irons. It was one of his better CT heats. Lots of very crispy big turns.

In a hypothetical final with Italo, if he didn’t get sucked into his game, those big turns might start looking very fresh after exposure to three million air reverses. Otherwise we are going to have pucker up our little pucker holes and ready ourselves for another Italo air show win.

*What’s surprising is how well pro surfing is wearing it. Quite entertaining.

**Sorry no attribution, forgot who.

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Kid Analua, Bruna, Felipe, and Felipe, Gabriel. | Photo: Quem

Third scandal rocks two-time world surfing champion Gabriel Medina as sister-in-law and wife combine in apparent feud with his mammy Simone, “I hope you reflect all the evil you are doing… Time will never come back and the trust will not be the same”

"Love is to bring you peace and happiness and not a war"

News from Brazil is the apparent feud between Gabriel Medina’s mammy Simone and his wife Yasmin and sister-in-law Bruna.

Quem reports that Bruna, who is married to Gabriel’s lil bro Felipe, has been “expelled” from the São Paulo house the couple share with step-daddy Charlie and mammy Simone ‘cause Bruna didn’t want to leave their one-year-old daughter Analua and go to work.

In a Q and A on Instagram, she wrote: “The way we left here hurt us a lot, we were left without a house, without a car. And we prefer to change cities to have a new life, with more peace, for the sake of our mental health and, especially, of our daughter, for her to grow far away of torments.”

Bruna added, to recipient unidentified, “I hope you reflect all the evil you are doing and hiding behind a farce, a character from the good. Time will never come back and the trust will not be the same,” she said.

Yasmin, Gabriel’s wife, joined in the feud.

From Quem,

Yasmin further reinforced rumors that she broke up with the surfer’s mother and stepfather by posting some outbursts on Instagram. “Three things that are not hidden for a long time: the sun, the moon and the truth. Do you know when there are things you see and think: ‘hold me so I don’t speak?’. Be patient, really,” wrote the model.

The posts would be a response to her mother-in-law, Simone Medina, who shared a message, which many considered an indirect for her son’s marriage to the model: “Love is to bring you peace and happiness and not a war, where you have to always strive to be happy “.

Very theatrical and the third scandal to rock the champ.

You’ll remember the wild speculation that Gabriel had formed a loving union with soccer superstar Neymar Jnr (“It’s not normal to see two men like this”) followed, shortly after, by the apparent split with his parents after his surprise marriage to actress and model Yasmin Brunet.

“Their (Charlie and Simone’s) fear is that after so much sacrifice, everything will fall apart because of the marriage,” said a source.

And, yet, Gabriel, who is now coached by Australian Andy King, appears happier than ever.

Gone are the flashing glances, the disagreeable tone, the tears.

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Open thread: comment live day two Rip Curl Narrabeen Classic!

With shark cameos!

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World’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater rips gloves off, goes toe to toe with muralist on satirical Instagram account: “Did I sleep with your girl back in the day or something? You’ve got yourself hung up over money. No wonder with that art of yours!”

From 0 -100 in 3 seconds.

The world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater was back on his favorite Australian satirical Instagram account, yesterday, throwing off the gloves and punching all-comers directly in the mouth, including but not limited to a muralist who paints with a gorgeous pastel palette.

The action began underneath a post titled “No Jab For Me” Says Byron Woman Who Lets Untrained Colonics Guru Blast Her Rectum with Litres of Water.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CNtzfWJjwmX/

Slater, not willing or able to let the irony stand alone added his own funny in the comments.

“Where do i even begin? With the Mercury, or monkey, pic and human fetus dan, or other ‘inert’ ingredients in vaccinations they sneak in there and tell you are benign? Listen, I’ve researched it and know what this stuff does to a person’s body and blood/brain barrier.”, said the sleeved and tramp-stamped woman, completely oblivious to the high levels of iron oxides, plastics, mercury, cadmium, chromium, aluminum, barium, ferrocyanide, arsenic and beryllium present in her petite, yet predominantly-inked frame.

Over 600 people found the 11x World Champion’s brutal takedown of tattooed, opinionated women likable.

One did not.

@fudge_works, a muralist and photographer, responded, “@kellyslater @instagram protects you from hearing people’s actual opinions about you. Can hide out in that billionaire bubble from pandemic and @instgram will keep you in a criticism free bubble.”

Slater wasted no time in responding, “@fudge_works hey fuckwit… I hope they keep reporting you for being a douchebag.”

A very severe, and instant, raising of the rhetorical temperature.

@fudge_works then explained he was frustrated by Slater’s public response to Australia’s devastating wildfires including an apparent minimizing of the role played by climate change.

Slater came back even fiercer, “@fudge_works did I sleep with your girl back in the day or something? (laughing emoji) I’m no billionaire but you’ve really got yourself hung up over money. No wonder with that art of yours.”

Going directly after a man’s love life and work not enough, the Pipeline Master continued, “Ain’t it just beautiful to see the full wrath of a crazy unleashed by a complete stranger? This guy wins the prize today.”

It was left unclear who the crazy was, who the stranger was, and who won the prize.

The last time Slater visited The Betoota Advocate, he used his time to call England’s Prince Harry a bastard and, his father, Prince Charles a “boring square.”

Character revealing.

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Photo: ASP
Photo: ASP

In unhinged screed, 3x World Champion Mick Fanning lays waste to Western Australia’s pride and joy: “To be honest, I actually hate the main break at Margaret River. I don’t think I’ll ever paddle out there again in my life!”

The big no-no.

Three-time Association of Surfing Professionals World Champion and titan of Australian business Mick Fanning sparked controversy, this weekend, but using the “H-word” in describing Western Australia’s pride and joy Margaret River’s Main Break.

Appearing on the SEN WA Gilly and Goss radio program, the 39-year-old Rip Curl sponsored pilates studio owner first discussed his return to very top ranks of surfing professionals, now formed as a league, but declared the Narrabeen Classic will likely be his only event of the year.

“I think at the moment it’s a one-off, I’m definitely not joining the tour, that’s for sure. For me it was a bit of a challenge, having the baby was amazing but I also hurt my knee a couple of years ago and never thought I was 100 per cent because I never had a goal to get to – I’d always find a niggle here or there. This was a good challenge to get myself back to peak fitness and, in a place where I felt I could push my body again in the water.”

And then, unprovoked, Fanning unholstered his flamethrower and laid waste to Western Australia’s bucolic countryside.

“To be really honest, I actually hate the main break at Margaret River. I don’t think I’ll ever paddle out there (Margaret River) again in my life. I used to like it as a kid but as I got older I don’t know, it’s just a long paddle and over the last few years I never had great surfs out there – so I just said, ‘Stuff it, I won’t go out there because I come back grumpy’. If it was at the ‘Box’ or at North Point (other breaks in the area), then yeah, I’d consider it. But as I’ve said, I’ll probably never paddle out to the main break at Margaret River again.”

As a father, he would well know the “H-word” gets elevated to the very tippy-top of the bad word pile, once child is born, and is entirely, even viciously, discouraged. Nothing but nothing is “h-ted,” only disliked, and slips amongst family members who insist on “h-ting” (broccoli, kids at school, co-workers, burgery waves etc.) are met with disdainful looks, possible time-outs, big, big trouble.

Extremely unchill.

How will Western Australia react? Will Fanning receive a pointed lecture and be sent to his room to think about his language choices?

iPad taken away for the day?

More as the story develops.

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