Game it out with me.
I spent much of yesterday thinking about Kelly Slater. Thinking about him on the North Shore nursing his injured foot by getting really fit, eating well, sleeping, surfing wonderful barrels, working out with top experts, chatting with renowned mental health experts.
Living his best life, likely.
Then it hit me.
Has the world’s greatest surfer set the stage so perfectly, so savvily, to make Olympic gold at Tokyo 2021 née 2020 his final act?
Game it out with me.
He would have watched the World Surf League re-imagined, re-launched tour, take form. He might have even been instrumental in creating it, pulling a few theoretical levers. Four events in Australia right ahead of the Olympics with much quarantine and many exhaustion.
He would have known that homebody John John Florence and susceptible to high ankle sprains Kolohe Andino were the only one standing in his Olympic way.
Only one would have to go.
So Australia for basically ever then, and he would have known this too, into the firming grasp of International Surfing Association chief Fernando Aguerre. He would have watched Aguerre, over the many years, angling his position, attempting to grab power and he would have known this Olympic year would be the one he insisted upon a robust World Surfing Games.
So Australia for basically ever then racing to El Salvador for more than a week.
Waving the red, white and blue in front of not so adoring fans. The banana republic years etc.
Exhausting, exhausted, but not finished.
John John Florence and Kolohe Andino would then have to race to Lemoore, California to compete at Kelly Slater’s own Surf Ranch.
Lemoore, California.
Surf Ranch.
Only one will have to go and are you telling me both Florence and Andino come through this gauntlet physically and mentally fit? With Slater, himself, pulling a few real actual levers at the very end, sending the waves their way?
The boy from Cocoa Beach then just has to win, once again, in 1.5 ft closeouts.
Full circle. Completing the journey.
Taking his final bow from atop the podium whilst The Star Spangled Banner plays.
Gold.
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This article takes a brain fart and turns it into ‘Fools Gold’.
I said right from the start that Kelly was the mastermind of Covid-19.
Think it’s just coincidence that it popped up in China right around the time that Kelly missed out on Olympic qualification, and it later went on to postpone the Olympics?
Or that it started exploding around the world right after the WQS event in China? Kelly obviously planned that as a super-spreader event.
Now he’s got exactly what he was hoping for – one of the two USA qualifiers injured, opening the window he needs.
You really think he would front up to get beaten by Kanoa in beachbreak dribble for his final act?
I think competitively, we’ve already seen it. He’ll put in an expression session in his tub and that’s it.
I think the attention from his gazillion adoring Japanese fans, many of them super hot and hot to trot, would make it worth his while no matter the result.
A Suntory deal in his twilight years might even suit him and see him through too.
Not egotistical enough. His final act will be announcing his own line of immortality products ala Dave Asprey’s Bulletproof and a quasi cult following of influencers/wellness insiders paying 30k for a week stay at the surf ranch in a Yurt.
By “final act”, Chas, you imply some immolation, or public suicide perhaps?
Seems a bit harsh.
I hope they don’t try and run the comp today, it’s absolutely pissing down outside.
Damn is it really? How do the waves look?
I dunno I was just looking out my window.
What ever happened to ‘purps’ ?
Did anyone here ever try it ?
And if you did try it, did you buy it a second time ?
I recall at the time seeing how expensive it was and thinking that it’d be unlikely to sell enough to warrant a second batch being made…
I tried it once. Tasted like grape KoolAid. Waste of money.
Try it in a mix of 2/3 vodka to 1/3 Purps, but leave out the Purps.
It used to work for me.
sounds like a win-win mix!
he does not have to win gold. he just wants to rub the flag on his nether regions in the athlete village while wearing the red, white and blue tracksuit
Well the first step is they actually have to have the games. Cancellation is not off the table.
Other than that yeah. But then no – Kelly’s beach break days are over. Waves of consequence another story.
As far as I can tell Japan isn’t planning on opening borders to tourists this summer.
This whole topic falls into the “who gives a shittery?” category. The waves will suck, Slater is old, JJF and Italo should just have a surf off, Kanoa will win (albeit undeservedly), and, hopefully, this sad chapter in surfing will be forgotten by all except Warsaw and the George brothers.
Almost forgot, Fernando Aguerre is a POS. Only good thing he ever did was give us Reef Brazil asses. Should have stopped with that legendary status.
Yeah I could give two fucks. Bet for the 3 of us on here that actually surf, did you see that surfline is throttling how many times you can look at their cams to 3 times per week? Not sure but I think if you check it 3 times in one day you’re done for the week unless you upgrade to Premium.
Pretty pissed about this.
Are you fuckin’ serious?
We are talking about Slater and the Olympics, not the Coffey sista’s.
May be it isn’t so much about winning a surf comp as it is topping Rogan that motivated this strategy.
Italo would almost be an unbackable fav, if not for Gabby.
Chas i’m gonna need you to help me make sense of this LA Times article:
https://www.latimes.com/cal…
My money is on him arranging a boycott of the El Salvador competition by the WSL surfers, which will disqualify them from the Olympics. Coincidentally Slater will be on an Ayahuasca retreat in Central America with his Chinese girlfriend and happen to stumble across the event site just in time to be the only WSL grade male eligible to surf in the Olympics.
you might be bat shit craaaaazy and i like it!
Upvote for your handle/name. Bless Nick Cave’s mum.
So…you think he’s got a “High Ankle Sprain” setting up at The Ranch? The button is probably right next to “Separated Shoulder”. Sounds logical.
I think sometimes we give Slater a little too much credit when it comes to these things about mind games and having a perfectly executed plan. His self-perception of being a life-long learner/Renaissance Man of ever expanding expertises has no basis in reality. He has failed at everything but winning World Titles. Plagued by an exceptional laziness when it comes to developing any actual knowledge about his purported interests, outside of winning heats, the man is an insufferable dilettante. That said, being an idiot savant of surf competition, he probably did think of this and there is no real reason for all the stuff written above. Oops. Good one, Charlatan.
I thought he got straight A’s in high school. Or was that just P.E.?
Straight A’s at Cocoa Beach high ain’t saying much anyway. If he did actually get them I bet he had some “help”
I guess it wasn’t straight A’s. Here’s a funny Kelly quote from a 1990 L.A. Times article: “I could surf more if I weren’t in school and the waves aren’t as good in Florida,” he said, “but I’ve got a 3.3 GPA and I don’t want to be known as just another surfer dropout.”
It’s funny how he didn’t want to be known as a surfer dropout, but has proceeded to be a surfer dropout from more contests than probably any other Pro.
theres a difference between being a weird guy and a cunning long game genius. I think our bald friend is just weird
I attempted to read his biography , I don’t give him much credit.
Man, you have a way with words, Karl. Do you write for some other publication, as well? 😎
Spot on! Picture a guitar, a tone-deaf guy with no shirt on and a bad foot!
Smaller surf will probably put more stress on his foot, not less. All that pumping, wiggling, hopping, chia seeding, Purpsformance arting, sushi rolling. That’s a lot of torque.
And how exactly does Kelly plan on bypassing the weighty favoritism that will be gifted to Kanoa?
It’s a given that Kanoa would easily beat Kelly at sushi rolling.
You think he has a bad foot? I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.
As a fellow 50 yo human, I can well believe he has a bad foot.
No. But he hardly puts his best foot forward.
The proverbial elephant in the living room is that Kelly is no longer capable of beating the world’s best in small surf.
The competition has overtaken him, and old age is nipping at his heels.
Kelly beating Italo in 2ft beachbreak: no chance
Two words: Tanya Harding.
Why?! Whyyyyyyy?!!!!!!!
I stand corrected. But will he be able to kneecap Gabby and Pip too?
Actually, after further reflection I think Italo could still take Slater post knee bashing, he’d just fire down a dozen redbulls and keep going.
*tonya
*Tony
*Hardy
*Hard