Surfing’s greatest statesman Kelly Slater endorses jiujitsu-style belt system to ease overcrowding at popular Santa Cruz wave, “Non-compliant surfers will be expelled from the water immediately. Fraudulently obtained gets will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law!”

“You have my total support,” writes eleven-time world champ Slater.

A novel idea to force surfers at Pleasure Point in Santa Cruz to wear “duly prescribed color-tiered belts” has met with the enthusiastic approval of eleven-time world surfing champion Kelly Slater. 

First, the proposal from @newpointlocal

“After much discussion about tactics for handling the presently unregulated crowds, the Pleasure Point Community Surfing Association issued a new order today that mandates all surfers wear their duly prescribed color-tiered belt while surfing on the Eastside. Belt designations are ordained by the Executive Committee, which is made up of 25+ year locals. See the chart above for each color tier’s timing and merit qualifications. Non-compliant surfers will be expelled from the water immediately. Fraudulently obtained belts will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”

“You have my total support,” wrote Slater.

Pleasure Point, on Santa Cruz’s Eastside, and so-named ‘cause of a prohibition-era speakeasy that sat atop the joint in the twenties, is a long righthand point and one of those sorta waves that’s crowded as hell: easy to access, has chubby sections for VALS, as well enough action for shredders. 

Maddening, you could say.

In response to Slater’s approval, he was granted an honorary blue belt, eleven years credit, one for each of his world titles. 

“NO ONE GETS INSTA-LOC STATUS ON PLEASURE POINT! Had to manage expectations and execute fair belt promotion on another @newpointlocal . When Cormier was automatically advanced to a brown belt in BJJ, the world of martial arts was put in juxtaposition; everyone else had to work their way up through the belt system, but Danny kicked all of their asses so in a way he earned it. Still, there were questions. We won’t have that here on Pleasure Point, we must remain beyond reproach when it comes to belt promotions toward advanced Loc status. In all transparency, we gave @kellyslater one year of credit for each championship he earned, which got him through the lower ranks. That said, everyone must work their way up honestly and diligently, putting in equal time and effort through the higher ranks (belts), before earning their place in the lineup. Even the GOAT.”

“Love it,” wrote Slater. 

Obvs, a gag, though not entirely unserious.

Now that localism is being recognised the latest manifestation of racism in the genocidal hell-hole once known as the United States of America, do you think some sorta hierarchical system, although one more practical than belts and less litigious than violence, might have legs?

(Note: @newpointlocal has been sought for interview. More etc.)