Kenvin responds, “You slandered me and lied about me on your massive platform for 10 years. I have your fucking money.”

The San Diego shaper and former boyfriend of eighties supermodel Stephanie Seymour, Richard Kenvin, has fallen foul of surfing polemicist Joel Tudor over a disputed business debt. 

Sixty-year-old Kenvin, whose use of planing hulls influenced the work of Daniel Thomson, posted a message from Tudor onto his Instagram account Hydrodynamica. 

You may remember supermensch Kenvin’s earlier appearance on BeachGrit when he successfully campaigned to have Breitbart ads removed from the WSL’s Tahiti broadcast.

Perhaps his biggest claim to fame, however, is his fling with eighties supermodel Stephanie Seymour, whom he met at Alcoholics Anonymous.

As a 1988 story put it, “One of the good things to come out of AA [for Seymour] was a total surprise: romance. ‘That’s where I met my boyfriend,’ she says, deep blue eyes sparkling. ‘I fell completely in love the first moment I saw him.’ The new man in her life, Richard Kenvin, 26, is a world-class surfer. Seymour pulls a picture of him out of her tote bag; he looks like a cross between Alexander Godunov and Don Johnson. ‘I never liked blondes before,’ she says, ‘but he’s different.'”

Tudor, of course, is a longboarder and black-belt grappler from San Diego. 

You’ll remember his role as the protagonist in these classics, Blood Feud: Joel Tudor and Noa Deane in creative battle royale!, Blood Feud: Joel Tudor vs The World, and Blood Feud: Kelly Slater vs Kelly Slater (part one) and Blood Feud: Joel Tudor vs Kelly Slater, part two.

No need to festoon this blood feud with bunting, it all comes in the comments, including

bob.howard1973

Joel Tudor let’s Tosh smoke pot! That is child endangerment and should get reported. Joel Tudor is a sicko slimeball pothead and doesn’t deserve to live without people knowing what he does to hydrodynamic and Tosh. On top of that he gets people to shape great boards for cheap. He rigs the VANS contests so Andy Nieblas loses to J. Quinney..I have no use for the slime all and hope he sees this somehow. I’m not surprised the little punk slandered you and left you holding the bag. Lastly, for now, he surfs like a girl and had to take up jujitsu so people would stop telling him he looked like a girl.

hashriningbasher

@joeljitsu I believe this is what I was referring to when you got a little too stoned and decided it was a good idea to get in my face at the rock. I will say it again as I yelled it in ur face you’re a kook and a disgrace to what’s left of surfing and i hope you know that everyone u ever looked up to shares this sentiment. Try me again and We all know you’ll loose your precious @vans sponsorship that I am sure is hanging by a thread… u might have to square up with Scripps too but I guess u already knew that.

sverrelypotted

Richard you’re a lame…. you ripped off Cher and steve Pendarvis as well. have you paid them back? How much do you owe them $10,000???

Etc.

“The must-see show of the summer” or “Ultimate Cringe Machine.”

The American Broadcasting Company has released a provocative teaser ahead of the ten pm, August 23, premiere of the jewel in its summer programming crown, The Ultimate Surfer. 

The network promises “Dramatic rivalries. Intense challenges. Summer romances?” and the teaser delivers ten-fold on the promise, human-with-phallus Mason Barnes, from Wilmington, North Carolina and rated #1126 on the WQS, apparently mating with birthing person Malia Ward, the twenty-three-year-old daughter of Chris Ward. 

“There might be a little fire in the eyes of Malia and Mason,” says Koa Smith. 

The series, which was filmed entirely at the WSL’s Surf Ranch in Lemoore, California, is rumoured to be dominated by Zeke Lau, a powerfully built Hawaiian of six feet and two inches with full round breasts sculpted by God and which rivet the eyes. 

His reward will be wildcards to Snapper, Margaret River and Surf Ranch on the 21-22 Tour. 

Lau qualified for the WCT in 2017 and competed for three seasons before missing the cut for the 2020 season. 

It ain’t surprising Zeke wins; put any WCT surfer against qualifier-level shredders and the difference is marked. 

The other cast members, Kai Barger, Austin Clouse, Mason Barnes, Luke Davis, Alejandro Moreda and Koa Smith are a mix of beauty and some talent, although none, I think, at CT level, unlike Zeke. 

Zeke’s high point on the tour was in 2018 when he highlighted the world champion John John Florence’s tender underside, an unwillingness to engage in paddle battles etc. 

Response on Instagram has been mixed, commenters falling into two camps.

The first, emoji riddled and “How can I watch The Ultimate Surfer in (insert country).

The second is led by noted Australian surfers, including Harry Bryant, “What is this fucking rubbish?”, Skeggs guitarist and talented surf filmmaker Toby Cregan “Ultimate Cringe Machine” and fuck-the-WSL’s Noa Deane who writes simply, “RIP.”

"(We) will always put human life and human safety first with the shark control program."

The Queensland government was just “hours” away from announcing the removal of shark nets on its beaches, it’s been revealed, replacing ‘em with birds in the sky during the annual winter whale migration when three hundred or so of the leviathans swim up the coast for the tropical waters of North Queensland.

And where there’s whales, Whites are gonna trail.

Despite criticism the nets were a little blunt in their application, taking out whales (tend to get tangled up on the return journey in August), dolphins and turtles etc, until last September there hadn’t been a fatal attack on Queensland’s netted beaches since their introduction sixty years earlier.

Do they work? Yeah, they do.

And, yet, before the September fatality, the Queensland shark control program’s scientific working group had recommended a scaling back of the nets, using aerial surveillance and drumlines here and there. Maybe they’d figured it was an act of God, not man, that had kept sharks and surfers away from each other.

Then Nick Slater was killed at Greenmount and all bets were off, as they say.

The Queensland government don’t fuck around.

They know the electorate well.

Now, data from June reveals thirty-five sharks, including nineteen tigers and two Great Whites, were caught in the nets, including a ten-footer at Coolangatta, right in the middle of the fabled Superbank.

A few theories were kicking around after the Greenmount hit, the most common being the build up of sand had positioned surfers right on the deep-water drop off, in the path of whales and Great Whites.

“(We) will always put human life and human safety first with the shark control program,” Fisheries Minister Mark Furner told the Courier-Mail. “The Government has no plan to remove shark control nets or drumlines from state controlled waters.”

A very different mindset to Byron Bay, an hour or so south, where the Great White, along with the leashless log, both killers, are venerated.