ABC launches provocative trailer for The Ultimate Surfer ahead of August premiere, promises “intense challenges and summer romances”; anti-WSL spokesperson Noa Deane responds, “RIP”

“The must-see show of the summer” or “Ultimate Cringe Machine.”

The American Broadcasting Company has released a provocative teaser ahead of the ten pm, August 23, premiere of the jewel in its summer programming crown, The Ultimate Surfer. 

The network promises “Dramatic rivalries. Intense challenges. Summer romances?” and the teaser delivers ten-fold on the promise, human-with-phallus Mason Barnes, from Wilmington, North Carolina and rated #1126 on the WQS, apparently mating with birthing person Malia Ward, the twenty-three-year-old daughter of Chris Ward. 

“There might be a little fire in the eyes of Malia and Mason,” says Koa Smith. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/CRHT9aflp9Z/

The series, which was filmed entirely at the WSL’s Surf Ranch in Lemoore, California, is rumoured to be dominated by Zeke Lau, a powerfully built Hawaiian of six feet and two inches with full round breasts sculpted by God and which rivet the eyes. 

His reward will be wildcards to Snapper, Margaret River and Surf Ranch on the 21-22 Tour. 

Lau qualified for the WCT in 2017 and competed for three seasons before missing the cut for the 2020 season. 

It ain’t surprising Zeke wins; put any WCT surfer against qualifier-level shredders and the difference is marked. 

The other cast members, Kai Barger, Austin Clouse, Mason Barnes, Luke Davis, Alejandro Moreda and Koa Smith are a mix of beauty and some talent, although none, I think, at CT level, unlike Zeke. 

Zeke’s high point on the tour was in 2018 when he highlighted the world champion John John Florence’s tender underside, an unwillingness to engage in paddle battles etc. 

Response on Instagram has been mixed, commenters falling into two camps.

The first, emoji riddled and “How can I watch The Ultimate Surfer in (insert country).

The second is led by noted Australian surfers, including Harry Bryant, “What is this fucking rubbish?”, Skeggs guitarist and talented surf filmmaker Toby Cregan “Ultimate Cringe Machine” and fuck-the-WSL’s Noa Deane who writes simply, “RIP.”


Breaking: Gabriel Medina, Julian Wilson on edge as the International Surfing Association releases scintillating non-elimination Round 1 heat draw for upcoming Tokyo Olympics!

The world better be ready.

The International Surfing Association, hours ago, released the much-anticipated Round 1 matchups for the upcoming Tokyo Olympics and it has everything the diehard fan loves. Italo Ferreira vs. Leandro Usuna, Owen Wright vs. Manuel Selman, John John Florence vs. his knee, Kolohe Andino’s personal brand vs. Kanoa Igarashi’s and all in the non-elimination format we know and love.

The rules of engagement are thus:

Round 1: The first round is non-elimination. Surfers will be seeded into five heats of four surfers each, with the top two surfers advancing straight to Round 3. The bottom two surfers will be seeded into Round 2, the first elimination round.

Round 2: The second round will include two heats of five surfers each. The top three surfers of each heat will advance, while the bottom two surfers will be eliminated from the competition.

Round 3: Surfers will be seeded into eight heats of two surfers each. The surfer who places first moves through the bracket, while the surfer who places second is eliminated.

Round 4 (Quarterfinals): Features four heats of two surfers. The top surfer of each heat advances. The surfer in second is eliminated.

Round 5 (Semifinals): Two heats of two surfers. The top surfers go to the final. The bottom two surfers go to the Bronze Medal match.

Bronze Match: A two-person heat where the top surfer earns the Bronze Medal.

Gold Match: A two-person heat where the top surfer earns the Gold Medal and the second placing surfer earns the Silver Medal.

So?

Who you got?

I’m flying to Italy tomorrow so you should heavily consider Leonardo Fioravanti.


Great White at play.

Queensland government reverses decision to remove shark nets and reveals shock haul in June, including 19 tiger sharks and two Great Whites near site of fatal attack at Snapper Rocks!

"(We) will always put human life and human safety first with the shark control program."

The Queensland government was just “hours” away from announcing the removal of shark nets on its beaches, it’s been revealed, replacing ‘em with birds in the sky during the annual winter whale migration when three hundred or so of the leviathans swim up the coast for the tropical waters of North Queensland.

And where there’s whales, Whites are gonna trail.

Despite criticism the nets were a little blunt in their application, taking out whales (tend to get tangled up on the return journey in August), dolphins and turtles etc, until last September there hadn’t been a fatal attack on Queensland’s netted beaches since their introduction sixty years earlier.

Do they work? Yeah, they do.

And, yet, before the September fatality, the Queensland shark control program’s scientific working group had recommended a scaling back of the nets, using aerial surveillance and drumlines here and there. Maybe they’d figured it was an act of God, not man, that had kept sharks and surfers away from each other.

Then Nick Slater was killed at Greenmount and all bets were off, as they say.

One of the guys who dragged the lifeless body to shore, Jade Parker, said “the whole idea that the shark was trying to single him out is not realistic”, despite the footage showing unequivocally the shark doing exactly that. It hit him then hit him again.

The Queensland government don’t fuck around.

They know the electorate well.

Now, data from June reveals thirty-five sharks, including nineteen tigers and two Great Whites, were caught in the nets, including a ten-footer at Coolangatta, right in the middle of the fabled Superbank.

A few theories were kicking around after the Greenmount hit, the most common being the build up of sand had positioned surfers right on the deep-water drop off, in the path of whales and Great Whites.

“(We) will always put human life and human safety first with the shark control program,” Fisheries Minister Mark Furner told the Courier-Mail. “The Government has no plan to remove shark control nets or drumlines from state controlled waters.”

A very different mindset to Byron Bay, an hour or so south, where the Great White, along with the leashless log, both killers, are venerated.


In wild battle of the personal brands, Kolohe Andino hires firm that made Shaun White a household name in order to steal Olympic spotlight from Kanoa Igarashi!

Exciting!

In a major announcement just ahead of surfing’s official Olympic debut, it was revealed that the United States’ Kolohe Andino has hired global marketing agency Finn Partners to represent him. The PR firm, which describes itself as, “one of the fastest-growing global, independent agencies with a heart and a conscience,” is a major coup for Andino’s team as it was the very same that made snowboarding’s Shaun White a household name.

Managing partner Missy Farren told trade publication PR Week, “[White] is his own kind of character with the hair and personality, and we thought, ‘Why can’t we take the Olympics out of typical sports media and do something different?’”

Partner Laura Anderson Sanchez added, “We saw the tremendous opportunity ahead for surfers who are having their Olympic debut. They may not know what’s in store for them, but want to make sure that [Andino] can fulfill his potential and reach a broader audience outside of surfing.”

It has long been assumed that Japan’s Kanoa Igarashi would be the face of Olympic surfing what with his megawatt smile, almost conversational fluency in Japanese and Huntington Beach pedigree.

Face of Olympic surfing today.

Line of boy’s clothing in Target tomorrow.

Dating rock stars etc.

The Shaun White path.

Not one surfer was even challenging that trajectory, not even the great Gabriel Medina, but Andino must see an path in which he will be able to knock Igarashi out and steal that line of boy’s clothing in Target.

This battle of the personal brands will, likely, be the most compelling subplot of Olympic surfing and we all must watch carefully.

Much pressure on Finn Partners.


“Santa Cruz used to have culture and a cool vibe but it’s just an overcrowded watered-down version of what it was. I think its lame to take a cool city and try and exploit it for a crappy car sale. Hyundai is trying hard to be cool but it’s still a Hyundai.”

Hyundai releases soft-roader called the “Santa Cruz”; Skate icon Stacey Peralta directs commercial; locals respond, “Surf culture has been totally assassinated by Kooks, so this should sell really well.”

"Should have called it The Fresno or The Bakersfield…"

If you were wandering around Santa Cruz last week, you might have seen filmmaker Stacy Peralta on the streets.

Peralta, a former pro skater who co-wrote and directed Dogtown and Z-B0ys, is directing a commercial for Hyundai’s new compact truck, the Santa Cruz. The vehicle is in production now and will be rolling off the line by fall.

The truck features a 2.5 litre four, two- or all-wheel drive, and a four-foot truck bed.

Aptly named?

Peralta is stoked on the moniker. He told the Santa Cruz weekly Good Times, “Santa Cruz is one of those extremely unique California beach towns. It’s extremely rare because this city has everything the great cities have. It has a gigantic cultural mix in a tiny area.”

And,

“Something else that blows my mind is how much presence there is in this town for Black Lives Matter. I’m blown away.”

And,

“A bitchin’ record store is always the sign of a great place. Because a store like this cannot exist in a town that doesn’t understand it. These kinds of places are what gives towns color.”

“There’s a really deep bed of culture here. There’s a heavy performance ethic here. If you’re a skateboarder, a surfer, a mountain biker, or a hiker, or a musician or an artist, everyone is competing with each other to be great. Which makes [Santa Cruz] great.”

What a dance ol’ Stacy taps out.

While Santa Cruz ain’t Nineveh, it ain’t what Peralta describes, either.

And notice how he curiously stops short of connecting the dots between the name and its use for the daily surfer.

Is it out-of-bounds to question Peralta and how this particular build represents Santa Cruz, that great coastal city? Can we question the lack of power, four-wheel drive and a truck bed too small to hold the shortest of shortboards?

Let’s do.

Not since the Mexican release of Chevrolet’s Nova – translated as “It does not go” – has a vehicle been so poorly named.

Hyundai labels the Santa Cruz a “sports adventure vehicle.”

Locals Ken “Skindog” Collins and Jason “Ratboy” Collins label it something else.

“Super stupid. Total bullshit. Should have called it The Fresno or The Bakersfield,” Ken says.

“I think they should have named it the Silicon Valley! Most definitely not a surf truck!” Ratboy says. “It looks like a new Subaru Brat.”

Peralta has to know that the truck isn’t really functional for surfing, right?

“He is just doing his best to help sell a piece of shit. His [BLM] comments are true without a doubt, but it’s just another selling technique to reach The Woke,” says Ken.

Ratboy adds that “Santa Cruz used to have culture and a cool vibe but it’s just an overcrowded watered-down version of what it was. I think its lame to take a cool city and try and exploit it for a crappy car sale. Hyundai is trying hard to be cool but it’s still a Hyundai.”

Ken agrees. “The surf culture has been totally assassinated by Kooks, so this should sell really well.”

He reflects briefly and says, “I ended up getting a Sprinter van. So who the hell am I to have an opinion about cars?”

Question #1: What would a car named after your town, your break look like?

Question #2: What would be a more fitting name for Hyundai’s new “sports adventure vehicle?”