“The must-see show of the summer” or “Ultimate Cringe Machine.”
The American Broadcasting Company has released a provocative teaser ahead of the ten pm, August 23, premiere of the jewel in its summer programming crown, The Ultimate Surfer.
The network promises “Dramatic rivalries. Intense challenges. Summer romances?” and the teaser delivers ten-fold on the promise, human-with-phallus Mason Barnes, from Wilmington, North Carolina and rated #1126 on the WQS, apparently mating with birthing person Malia Ward, the twenty-three-year-old daughter of Chris Ward.
“There might be a little fire in the eyes of Malia and Mason,” says Koa Smith.
The series, which was filmed entirely at the WSL’s Surf Ranch in Lemoore, California, is rumoured to be dominated by Zeke Lau, a powerfully built Hawaiian of six feet and two inches with full round breasts sculpted by God and which rivet the eyes.
His reward will be wildcards to Snapper, Margaret River and Surf Ranch on the 21-22 Tour.
Lau qualified for the WCT in 2017 and competed for three seasons before missing the cut for the 2020 season.
It ain’t surprising Zeke wins; put any WCT surfer against qualifier-level shredders and the difference is marked.
The other cast members, Kai Barger, Austin Clouse, Mason Barnes, Luke Davis, Alejandro Moreda and Koa Smith are a mix of beauty and some talent, although none, I think, at CT level, unlike Zeke.
Zeke’s high point on the tour was in 2018 when he highlighted the world champion John John Florence’s tender underside, an unwillingness to engage in paddle battles etc.
Response on Instagram has been mixed, commenters falling into two camps.
The first, emoji riddled and “How can I watch The Ultimate Surfer in (insert country).
The second is led by noted Australian surfers, including Harry Bryant, “What is this fucking rubbish?”, Skeggs guitarist and talented surf filmmaker Toby Cregan “Ultimate Cringe Machine” and fuck-the-WSL’s Noa Deane who writes simply, “RIP.”