“The must-see show of the summer” or “Ultimate Cringe Machine.”
The American Broadcasting Company has released a provocative teaser ahead of the ten pm, August 23, premiere of the jewel in its summer programming crown, The Ultimate Surfer.
The network promises “Dramatic rivalries. Intense challenges. Summer romances?” and the teaser delivers ten-fold on the promise, human-with-phallus Mason Barnes, from Wilmington, North Carolina and rated #1126 on the WQS, apparently mating with birthing person Malia Ward, the twenty-three-year-old daughter of Chris Ward.
“There might be a little fire in the eyes of Malia and Mason,” says Koa Smith.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CRHT9aflp9Z/
The series, which was filmed entirely at the WSL’s Surf Ranch in Lemoore, California, is rumoured to be dominated by Zeke Lau, a powerfully built Hawaiian of six feet and two inches with full round breasts sculpted by God and which rivet the eyes.
His reward will be wildcards to Snapper, Margaret River and Surf Ranch on the 21-22 Tour.
Lau qualified for the WCT in 2017 and competed for three seasons before missing the cut for the 2020 season.
It ain’t surprising Zeke wins; put any WCT surfer against qualifier-level shredders and the difference is marked.
The other cast members, Kai Barger, Austin Clouse, Mason Barnes, Luke Davis, Alejandro Moreda and Koa Smith are a mix of beauty and some talent, although none, I think, at CT level, unlike Zeke.
Zeke’s high point on the tour was in 2018 when he highlighted the world champion John John Florence’s tender underside, an unwillingness to engage in paddle battles etc.
Response on Instagram has been mixed, commenters falling into two camps.
The first, emoji riddled and “How can I watch The Ultimate Surfer in (insert country).
The second is led by noted Australian surfers, including Harry Bryant, “What is this fucking rubbish?”, Skeggs guitarist and talented surf filmmaker Toby Cregan “Ultimate Cringe Machine” and fuck-the-WSL’s Noa Deane who writes simply, “RIP.”
Thank you BG, for sticking to your gossip roots. We need more of these kind of articles, in between the shark stuff.
One of the sadder aspects of this all is the reality that surfing’s G.O.A.T. is playing such an outsized role in the pathetic spectacle. Does any other activity, sport, culture, etc. have one of its own help destroy it as Slater is doing with the public presentation of surfing?
As usual, this tabloid rag has no fact finding or depth. Joel is a liar. Everything said about RK above is a lie. I’ve got the the real story I’ll posted on Instagram soon.
No, but she is frickin smoking!
Am I the only one that remembers a Stab article from 6-8 years ago featuring an underage Malia Ward and her mom doing some kinda soft core, sleazy bikini photo shoot. I believe the gist of the “article” was them expressing their womanhood while being funded by the ex Mrs Ward’s new, richer and less domestically violent boyfriend/husband. Seems like the daughter is still on the appropriate “trajectory”. Think she’s tight with Ellie Jean?
Zeke Lau ain’t no 6’2”. He’s in great shape but at least 5 inches shy of NBA point guard height! And the show looks worse than the original North Shore movie !!!
The dude holding the flowers has that classic I’m rapidly balding hairdo.
That’s the only way to get Brazilians out of anything surf related 🤣🤣🤣
HOW DARE YOU DENIGRATE AUSTIN CLOUSE’S QUALITY LEVEL!!!!!
usually I condemn blasphemy but I’ll look the other way on this one.
is this the return of jimmy slade?!
Said to my wife “hey babe there is a new surfing show fully like the bachelor and shit and the winner gets a spot on tour and it’s basically the end of surfing” wife: “oh awesome can’t wait I love those shows ! 🤦♂️
you broke a cardinal rule there by talking to your wife about surfing related topics
As much as this pains me to watch, I do enjoy the thought of these “surfers” being forced to spend a summer in Lemoore.
The kook pictured in the headline photo needs to have his shaka license revoked.
the corporate Shaka. lowest of them all.
hahahaaaaa hahahaha haaa
good grief
I predict Luke D fucks every member of the cast, but is denied his win because he won’t fuck Kelly.
Remember that they tend to fill trailers with all the best snippets.
Just imagine what delights await within the full 359 mins runtime.
As far the the producers are concerned – it doesn’t matter what people are saying about this trailer and the programme, the important thing is they are talking about it.
Apart from a handful of nobody surfers moaning, are any normal people really talking about it?
Short answer no long answer also no
soo you’re saying there’s a chance?
I wonder if there will be a scene with all the competitors sitting in a half circle around the fire pit outside Kelly’s on-site caravan gazing at him while he plays a collection of songs he’s collaborated with Eddie Vedder on over the years.
Breaking news Negs
A few famous surfer mates of mine reckon Eddie Vedder is about to buy this Kaikoura kastle. https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Two are married to real estate agents and one to a property valuer and know all the gossip about Kaikoura, Kaikoura real estate and ’90’s musicians interested in Kaikoura real estate.
Eddie might be plunking Kelly’s songs on your doorstep before ya know it…
That’s next years opener for The Ultimate Musician
This looks epic. Hope it has some love island style romances. Hope we can watch it in Oz. Should make me really want to take up surfing.