Inspired young hero plans to surf 301 straight days after horrific shark attack: “The lifeguard who came he was like, ‘yeah, I can see your lungs through your back!’”

Mike Tyson would be proud.

We’ve all, at this point, imagined being out and getting hit by a shark and easy to say, “Oh, I wouldn’t let it affect me. I’d be right back out there as soon as I’m healed…” but much different to say than to do. The great Mike Tyson famously said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face,” and getting big in the torso by a shark carries much more gravitas which is what makes Encinitas’s Keane Hayes much impressive.

Heroic even.

The then thirteen almost fourteen year old was diving for lobster off Beacons beach when he was viciously mauled. According to San Diego’s local ABC affiliate, when he was brought to the beach, the lifeguard said, “Yeah, I can see your lungs through your back.”

A very chill lifeguard.

The boy was life-flighted to Rady’s Children’s Hospital and underwent multiple surgeries including getting over 1000 stitches but even that didn’t stop him. Now sixteen, he is committed to surfing 301 consecutive days.

“I think we’re on day 170. It’s also just a personal goal just to surf a ton and be in the water fishing or doing whatever. Honestly, it just kind of feels natural you know, like I’m not pushing it, I’m not scared,” he told the news outlet.

He is also committed to helping others overcome their own fears.

“Going with Bethany Hamilton and pushing girls without arms, like amputees, like that’s…. it’s, I can’t even describe it, it’s just so much fun and feels good to help them.”

Heroic altogether.

Mike Tyson would be proud.

Human hard-on Raimana, left, and eighties supermod Cindy Crawford. | Photo: @cindycrawford

Eighties supermodel Cindy Crawford describes OG Tahitian surf-stud Raimana Van Bastolaer as human Viagra, “I call him the Big Blue Pill. He can get anyone up. Even me!”

The human hard-on!

In one of the loveliest rags to riches stories you could ever imagine, Tahitian Raimana Van Bastolaer, former Teahupoo ambassador turned smiling face of the Surf Ranch, has been described as human Viagra by eighties supermodel Cindy Crawford.

Viagra is a medication used to treat erectile dysfunction or to ramp up an already tumescent womb-duster. Side effects include deeply satisfied gal, a terrible chafing on shaft and a reputation as a pussy assassin.

On Instagram, the fifty-five-year-old whose career peaked in 1987 when she appeared alongside the other OG supermods Christy Turlington, Linda Evangalista and Naomi Campbell on British Vogue, writes, 

And this is why I call @raimanaworld the Big Blue Pill — he can get anyone up—even me! 

A roll call of celebs, including NY designer Donna Karan, supermodels Carolyn Murphy and Christine Brinkley, joined in in the comments, thrilling to the ride and to human hard-on Raimana Van Bastolaer.

Y’ever knocked back a Raimana?

What was your experience?

Are you half a man and therefore used out of necessity or was your intent to fill an already overflowing pool, to stoke an already burning crotch fire?

Art by Beeple.
Art by Beeple.

Question: Did Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg single-handedly destroy both foiling and America in one fell swoop?

An important discussion.

Yesterday, on the United States of America’s 245th birthday, Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg posted a video of himself e-foiling whilst holding an American flag set to John Denver’s “Take me home, country roads” on his Instagram.

The clip immediately went viral.

While the famous Raimana Van Bastolaer enjoyed and commented “ok emoji” “shaka emoji” most others found it… “whacky” and worthy of posthumous lawsuits.

Now, an important question for us surfers, us children of the sea. Did Zuckerberg single-handedly destroy both foiling and America in one fell swoop?

Oh, of course the fifth richest man in the world is e-foiling but I think a small distinction to make on such a large platform and I’d imagine any time anyone now pulls any sort of float board out of car someone will snort derisively.

Very much worse than what Adam Sandler did to rollerblading and look how that has disappeared.

Also, America.

I am currently in Mexico enjoying warm water and warmer weather and, looking north, it seems like Zuck hammered a nail into the coffin. The last nail?

Well, that’s what I’m asking you.

Foiling finished, the U.S.A. finished?

Difficult for me to see how either survives this.

A Great White, tagged at nearby Forster.

Ten-foot Great White responsible for attack on surfer at Crescent Head, says Department of Primary Industries

If you surf on Australia's east coast, buy and learn to use a tourniquet. Great Whites, protected in Australia since 1999, ain't going anywhere.

Yesterday afternoon, and half an hour before sunset, surfer Joe Hoffman was hit by what authorities have identified as a ten-foot Great White shark.

The shark bit Hoffman on the arm, and left a two-foot crescent-shaped bite on his Outer Islands surfboard. 

Hoffman paddled to the beach and was carried to a nearby park by six surfers who used his legroom as a makeshift tourniquet.

Local surfer Josh Shorrick described Hoffman as being “incredibly brave despite the pain”.

“We carried him to the BBQ area where ambos could reach him. Six of us helped,” Shorrick told News Corp. “I hope he’s going to be alright.”

To the surprise of nobody, least of all surfers, a NSW Department of Primary Industry (DPI) spokeswoman confirmed the shark was a ten-foot White.

“NSW DPI shark scientists have analysed photographs of the bite and determined a White shark of approximately three metres in length is likely responsible for the bite.”

Hell of a bite.

One month ago, surfer Mark Sanguinetti was killed by a fifteen-foot Great White at Tuncurry, one hundred miles south. 

What’s the takeaway, here?

After two decades of the Great White being protected, this is the new reality of surfing on Australia’s east coast.

So buy and learn to use a tourniquet. Most, although certainly not all, Great White hits are a bite-and-release taste test so once the shark leaves, if you’re quick a life can be saved.

If you can get a tourniquet above the wound site, your buddy has a good chance of living.

There’s an exception here.

If the shark takes off an entire leg or arm and there’s no stump, well, even a combat medic can’t stop the bleeding.

But if there’s a stump, there’s a chance, a good chance. If you act fast.

You carrying a tourniquet in your wetsuit? Or on the beach?

Before anything, before calling anyone, get it on, tight, a couple of inches above the joint.

That’s it.

No tourniquet or it’s in the car?

Get a towel. Apply as much pressure as you can where the blood is coming out. All that matters is stopping the blood.

A catastrophic attack and your buddy is going to lose consciousness in three minutes; after five minutes the outcomes are poor.

(Click here to check out ER doctor and surfer Jon Cohen’s range of tourniquets, including one built-into a leash)

Breaking: City of Virginia Beach buys up $2.8m in land for “Happy” singer and superstar producer Pharrell Williams surf park!

No blurred lines!

Just before the 4th of July, all-American city Virginia Beach made many of its residents explode happy by spending $2.8 million on land that will be used for a surf tank. The project, backed by local son and music superstar Pharrell Williams, will have retail, commercial and residential real-estate and, most importantly, a wave basin that appears to utilize Wavegarden technology.

The only non-excited residents are those who live at the end of the street and are complaining about much noise and worker traffic and construction begins.

Classic NIMBYism.

Also likely not happy is Kelly Slater and the World Surf League as yet another project gets underway minus KSWaveCo’s famed Blue Sled of Dred. Five years on and there is still only one Surf Ranch and it is still only in Lemoore, California.


But back to Pharrell’s project, all mostly exciting and do you live in or around Virginia Beach? Do you think you will surf it?

Does Pharrell’s involvement cause your heart to flutter? His hit song with Alan Thicke notwithstanding, I am generally a fan of everything the diminutive singer/songwriter does.

Will other celebrities become jealous that he has his own surf park and get in the game too all not utilizing Slater?

More questions than answers.