The human hard-on!

In one of the loveliest rags to riches stories you could ever imagine, Tahitian Raimana Van Bastolaer, former Teahupoo ambassador turned smiling face of the Surf Ranch, has been described as human Viagra by eighties supermodel Cindy Crawford.

Viagra is a medication used to treat erectile dysfunction or to ramp up an already tumescent womb-duster. Side effects include deeply satisfied gal, a terrible chafing on shaft and a reputation as a pussy assassin.

On Instagram, the fifty-five-year-old whose career peaked in 1987 when she appeared alongside the other OG supermods Christy Turlington, Linda Evangalista and Naomi Campbell on British Vogue, writes, 

And this is why I call @raimanaworld the Big Blue Pill — he can get anyone up—even me! 

A roll call of celebs, including NY designer Donna Karan, supermodels Carolyn Murphy and Christine Brinkley, joined in in the comments, thrilling to the ride and to human hard-on Raimana Van Bastolaer. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/CQ8zTRKLwPt/

Y’ever knocked back a Raimana?

What was your experience?

Are you half a man and therefore used out of necessity or was your intent to fill an already overflowing pool, to stoke an already burning crotch fire?

If you surf on Australia's east coast, buy and learn to use a tourniquet. Great Whites, protected in Australia since 1999, ain't going anywhere.

Yesterday afternoon, and half an hour before sunset, surfer Joe Hoffman was hit by what authorities have identified as a ten-foot Great White shark.

The shark bit Hoffman on the arm, and left a two-foot crescent-shaped bite on his Outer Islands surfboard. 

Hoffman paddled to the beach and was carried to a nearby park by six surfers who used his legroom as a makeshift tourniquet.

Local surfer Josh Shorrick described Hoffman as being “incredibly brave despite the pain”.

“We carried him to the BBQ area where ambos could reach him. Six of us helped,” Shorrick told News Corp. “I hope he’s going to be alright.”

To the surprise of nobody, least of all surfers, a NSW Department of Primary Industry (DPI) spokeswoman confirmed the shark was a ten-foot White.

“NSW DPI shark scientists have analysed photographs of the bite and determined a White shark of approximately three metres in length is likely responsible for the bite.”

One month ago, surfer Mark Sanguinetti was killed by a fifteen-foot Great White at Tuncurry, one hundred miles south. 

What’s the takeaway, here?

After two decades of the Great White being protected, this is the new reality of surfing on Australia’s east coast.

So buy and learn to use a tourniquet. Most, although certainly not all, Great White hits are a bite-and-release taste test so once the shark leaves, if you’re quick a life can be saved.

If you can get a tourniquet above the wound site, your buddy has a good chance of living.

There’s an exception here.

If the shark takes off an entire leg or arm and there’s no stump, well, even a combat medic can’t stop the bleeding.

But if there’s a stump, there’s a chance, a good chance. If you act fast.

You carrying a tourniquet in your wetsuit? Or on the beach?

Before anything, before calling anyone, get it on, tight, a couple of inches above the joint.

That’s it.

No tourniquet or it’s in the car?

Get a towel. Apply as much pressure as you can where the blood is coming out. All that matters is stopping the blood.

A catastrophic attack and your buddy is going to lose consciousness in three minutes; after five minutes the outcomes are poor.

(Click here to check out ER doctor and surfer Jon Cohen’s range of tourniquets, including one built-into a leash)