A new proposal from the Michigan Parks and Recreation Division would prevent swimming at state beaches on “Red Flag” days, or essentially, the only days with rideable surf out on the Lakes.

Surfing in Michigan is hard.

A lot harder than renting a wetsuit and foamie on the boardwalk in Southern California.

A requisite perfect combination of an endless array of variables to do anything resembling sliding.

And more often than not you’re on the wrong side of the lake.

But the Great Lakes can produce magical, albeit fleeting, moments. Chest-high wedges with twenty-knot winds. Offshore runners. Facial hair freezing to your face.

Those moments may become even more fleeting.

A new proposal from the Michigan Parks and Recreation Division would prevent swimming at state beaches on “Red Flag” days, or essentially, the only days with rideable surf out on the Lakes.

The proposal would prevent “individuals from exiting a state managed beach area when entry is prohibited.”

The punishment would likely carry a fine of $500.

Per the Great Lakes Surf Rescue Project, there were 108 drownings on the Great Lakes last year.

According to Ron Olson, Chief of Parks and Recreation for the Department of Natural Resources, “We think it’s a good tool to have for us to draw a hard line to reduce the potential hazard. When it gets to red we know that the waves are going to be three-to-four-plus in height and the winds are blowing at a certain amount which means it becomes more treacherous.”

Surfers are particularly concerned about the proposal.

Ryan Gerard, a local surf shop owner in Michigan, said “This ban would effectively erase the opportunity [to surf] for all . . . people, including me.”

Coastal access is tricky in Michigan. Most of the coastline is privately owned, only thirty percent is public according to a report published by Coastal Management.

Other groups have similarly expressed concern about the proposal.

The Michigan United Conservation Clubs fear the proposal could “lead to a slippery slope.” They also point out that many of the drownings would not have been prevented by the policy; most were boating accidents and instances when individuals were swept off piers and beaches.

It’s also important to note that most of the year the Lakes are too cold to swim in, let alone wade, without a (thick) wetsuit.

While well intended, the proposal is the product of overzealous bureaucrats who fundamentally do not understand how to address the issue.

Like using an axe to open an envelope.

Neither John John Florence nor Carissa Moore are “eager to discuss” their views on appropriation.

The morning sun is gently caressing old Amalfi town.

Italians going about their day Italian-like, drinking espresso, driving motor scooters, gesticulating.

The dolce vita made for them, by them, and observing from the water, so wonderfully and wholly theirs.

Not like surfing which has been laid bare in a devastating Associated Press exposé.

Culturally appropriated by whites, twisted in into ugly financial instrument benefiting only them and soon to be on a sneering, ugly, white display in its grand Olympic debut.

Very uncool.

Author Sally Ho dives into Hawaii’s history, how white missionaries came and stole the land and outlawed surfing but then also stole surfing and smuggled it back to dirty California. She discusses how the surf industry, based there, juices the interlopers and how frustrating that is for native Hawaiians, Hawaiian historian and activist Isaiah Helekunihi Walker telling her, “You had Native Hawaiians in the background being a part of the development of it and just not being really recognized. There’s an element of them taking over. That’s when there’s no more aloha.”

What is most interesting in the piece, though, is her chatting, or attempting to chat, with those directly involved in surfing’s Olympic debut.

She writes that neither John John Florence nor Carissa Moore are “eager to discuss” their views on appropriation. Florence goes entirely silent. Moore says she wears the Hawaiian flag on her heart.

Tatiana Weston-Webb goes full denial. “I don’t think that (Hawaiians) are being overshadowed. It just depends on how you look at the situation.”

International Surfing Association chief Fernando Aguerre declares, “Everything we do has a connection to Hawaii. I think it’s impossible to detach Hawaiianness from surfing. The ocean doesn’t really care about hate, war or governments. Surfing is that way, too,” before telling the author he named his son after Duke Kahanamoku.

She ends the piece thusly:

Didi Robello, a descendant of Kahanamoku, said none of his family members have been contacted to participate in any Olympic celebrations. He said his grand-uncle’s name and legacy are exploited, which has become a great source of pain for the family because the trademark rights to the Kahanamoku name are owned by outsiders. “We’re getting ripped off,” Robello said. “It’s embarrassing.”

The dolce imbarazzante.

"The terminology can also be important especially if words such as 'attacks prompt people to demand culls of what are already often protected animals."

Coming off the back of Australia’s deadliest year of Great White attacks in ninety years and two surfers hit by Whites in 2021, the ink barely dry on the death certificate of one, it may surprise that authorities in Queensland and NSW are moving to extinguish the use of the word “attack”.

At a shark symposium at Noosa in May, a senior Queensland offical told attendees the state gov would preference “bites” over “attacks.”

And, in NSW, the Department of Primary Industries now prefers to use “incidents” or “interactions.”

Surfer hit by fifteen-foot White, leg destroyed, dies on beach? Incident.

Surfer disappeared by twenty-foot White, never seen again? Incident.

As explained in the Fairfax Press,

The choice of words can be potent since public fears about beach safety can be inflamed by alarmist language by politicians and the media, said Leonardo Guida, a shark researcher at the Australian Marine Conservation Society, who attended the May gathering hosted by the Noosa Biosphere Reserve Foundation.

A change in language matters “because it helps dispel inherent assumptions that sharks are ravenous, mindless man-eating monsters”, Dr Guida said.

“We sat up at the mention,” said Lawrence Chlebeck, a marine campaigner with Humane Society International, who added he later approached the official and her boss. “I congratulated them for their change of terminology.”

The terminology can also be important especially if words such as “attacks” prompt people to demand culls of what are already often protected animals. Shark numbers are globally in decline because of over-fishing, pollution and the increasing impacts of climate change, including around Australia.

And, you, my ol friends?

You think we should stop calling shark attacks “attacks” ’cause it might adversely affect peoples opinions of Great Whites?

Relatively unsafe for work.

On a recent Discord thread, a link was posted to a film featuring the former world number #25 surfer Ellie-Jean Coffey “sucking on both these black cocks”, a double-pronged dildo, designed to fill ass and pussy, with a suction cup base, the device fashioned from a dark brown-coloured silicon. 

An earlier post had featured a still from the short film, although some on the thread were concerned there was a sleight of hand, a retractable dildo possibly.

“How would you know it went in?” asked one. “Can’t see anything, looks like it’s rubbed outside if anything.”

After the link to the video appeared, and which quickly dispelled any doubt as to why the dildo disappeared, the reader, still disgruntled, wrote, “Fair enough I’ll cop that. Still a shit vid where you see fuck all.” 

Ellie-Jean, who turns twenty-seven this year, broke the seal, so to speak, on the porn game for the four sisters last September. EJ spoke of the one million dollars a month she is making from her channel and says it was her desire to liberate and empower other women that motivated her to do porn.

Holly-Sue, Bonnie-Lou, quickly followed up with X-rated sites of their own. 

And, now, the fourth of the sisters, Ruby-Lee, who is twenty-one, has promised to reveal the power and the glory and the grandeur of the female to screams and barbaric yawps of people with phalluses.

At rubycoffeyprivate.com, lonely souls pay $13.36 a month for “exclusive photos and videos”

Early offerings, include “My top can’t contain my tits,” “Extra sexy G-Banger! meowww” and “Feelin’ myself (three photos)”. 

Ruby-Lee made the announcement, naturally, to her almost half-a-million followers on Instagram.

Eyewitness on the North Shore says Florence surfing very fine with many hacks, carves, wraps and hand jams. Everything but everything but airs. 

Miles Davis is playing on the radio and I am eating eggs lightly dusted with parmigiana plus a potato, red pepper, onion medley while gently rocking in front of a Tyrrhenian cave just a stone’s throw from Positano.

The water is a ridiculous cobalt blue and clear, turquoise near the cliffs and while my life has entered a comically decadent period Hawaii’s John John Florence’s has not.

Eyewitness accounts from the North Shore suggest he is out daily and shredding.

Surfing very fine with many hacks, carves, wraps and hand jams.

Everything but everything but airs.

No board leaving lip.

Surfing’s Olympic debut, as you know well, is mere weeks away and as of time of writing, there is no typhoon headed Japan’s wave in the forecast.

Can gold be won on two-to-three-foot lappers without flying?

I think no. I think not at all. Kelly Slater likely thinks the same as me but he will have to think that from his couch while watching history like the rest of us.

John John and Kolohe will be part of this history.

I think Kelly will be sad. I think sad and lightly depressed.