TIa and Alejandro, much pressure.

ABC’s The Ultimate Surfer, episode two analysis: “All the dudes are best friends. All the girls are like, ‘I hate that bitch’. I am hoping for a blood feud among the men soon!”

Shock elimination as catty superstar signs off with flair and verve, "Maybe I’ll be back, bitches!"

In this episode: There is a test that is very hard.

A big-wave surfer shows up to help. Everyone surfs backside. Some surf better than others. There is much plotting and hints of blood feuds.

Two surfers are eliminated in a dramatic surf-off.

Much nerves!

Welcome to the second glorious night of BeachGrit’s official coverage of The Ultimate Surfer. I realized just now that I do not know how many nights this thing runs. Not for the first time, I will almost certainly regret my life choices before we reach the end.

In the first episode, just last night, we met the fourteen surfers, and I use that term loosely, who are competing for prize money and wildcard slots on Championship Tour.

Kelly Slater appeared in holographic form on a television screen to offer advice and encouragement.

There was surfing, that was mostly bad, but sometimes good. Already we said goodbye to two surfers, both from Florida.

This was very sad, but we must carry on.

Anastasia Astley played the evil, conniving villainess with gusto, and it was most enjoyable. Malia Ward, looking angelic, forged a strategic alliance with Anastasia and proved quite cunning.

Also, the women mostly hate one another already. This is excellent.

The men seemed very stoked! Which is understandable. They are surfers. But also, maybe a little boring.

Perhaps this will all change tonight.

Episode 2! Caught up in Chick Drama! This sounds so promising right now.

Let’s dig in. Oh, I am too early! The Bachelor in Paradise is still on. There is so much smooching on my screen. I’m totally blushing.

Where is my wholesome surfing entertainment? Will it ever begin?

The lead-in has very Point Break (old version) style kick-outs and stuff. Very stylish. And woo-woo, surf guitars. I am so in the mood now!

We begin with talk about how Zeke and Malia are a total super team. Kai Barger admits that he is very nervous.

Sad Dad story again. Parkinsons, I think.

Julie is very cute and did not grow up with money to pursue her pro surfing dream! She loves sports. She has worked as a lifeguard, and now works for her local police department. She would like to surf full-time instead.

Everyone, so nervous!

There is a beach battle happening now.

A test!

There is a man in the pool. He is holding his breath very long. He is a big-wave surfer! Billy Kemper is here to join the party. He likes to run rocks underwater. Sounds super fun.

This is legit hard. They are carrying weights around underwater. A thing, that actual big-wave surfers do. I hope they are good at holding their breaths and maybe have done training in their spare time.

It is not that easy, actually.

Oh, also, there is going to be a wave in the pool at the same time. I am overwhelmed how radical this whole thing is becoming.

The hooter sounds! Everyone is running to their weights, all at the same time. The weights are connected to lifeguard buoys with lengthy ropes.

Chaos! So much tripping and stuff. With much difficulty, everyone gets in the water and heads toward the first buoy.

A race! Someone will win.

Koa is an expert. He explains how you lean forward and it projects you! So awesome. I am getting smarter.

Next time I have to carry weights underwater, I will know how to do it.

These straight-to-camera interviews are a recurring feature. Apparently, the producers filmed them in a dark hallway. I do not understand this aesthetic choice but I do now know how to make television!

The wave comes and everyone gets tangled what with the buoys and ropes and weights. Shit’s getting so real right now.

Julie has done this whole thing before! It is easier at the Surf Ranch, because usually she does her underwater runs with 150-pound weights. She is more badass than was apparent at first glance.

It’s madness, says Tia! Total madness. Everyone is drowning. Zeke’s goggles are falling off, it is super hard. Zeke is embarrassed, because he did not do good at this part.

Julie and Koa win! And they are not getting eliminated this week. They also get an extra surf session at night! And they are going to invite another team to join them for the night session. They do not even know who to pick!


Many jokes about bribery follow. Zeke offers to give Koa priority during the evening sesh. He’s just going to pick off the waves if Koa falls. So, Koa and Julie can get extra waves.

Omg, commercial!

Just as we are about to learn who gets to surf with Koa and Julie! And, if Zeke’s maneuvering actually has worked.

Luke, he wants it so bad and has known Koa forever. He is so hopeful and it will be sad if he gets kicked to the curb by his long-time bestie.

It is weird!

All the dudes are best friends. All the girls are like, I hate that bitch. I am hoping for a blood feud among the men soon!

Otherwise, I will be so sad. Don’t make me sad, Ultimate Surfer! Don’t do it!

Zeke and Malia get the nod! Luke, is very sad. Sometimes, you don’t know who your real friends are. This is very true and wise. I did not expect to learn so much watching reality television. Perhaps I should do it more often.

Who knows what else I could learn!

Koa feels very euphoric! He is programming the wave into his brain. He is very adept at finger-surfing and sound effects. It’s super cute. I think the world needs more finger-surfing.

The losers get to inflate blow-up toys to improve their lung strength. Kai realizes he must take these challenges more seriously. He is not wrong.

Now we are meeting Tia. She grew up a military brat, she says. She began competing at an early age! Many trophies! Now she lives in California.

Oh, backside challenge!

Erin Coscarelli is the lady with Joe. She makes a bad joke about checking out backsides. Her sense of humor is not that great, I’m afraid! She is famous for something, but I think she is not famous for making jokes.

I am confused now, because I thought Malia was on her backhand yesterday. But you know, life is confusing and there is so much to take in. It is all very fast becoming a blur.

Zeke and Malia are up first! The tension is so high! Malia: There is a new power couple in town! Malia, so confident.

I do not understand why they are wearing rashies. It is very contest and authentic. But I am a bored reality television watcher, it’s late at night, and I really want to see some abs right now. Lose the rashies! Show me some abs! I feel like this is not too much to ask, actually.

Malia is legit good at surfing, I think!

I actually didn’t know this, because I do not live in San Clemente. Maybe I should move there. Her confidence is perhaps not entirely misplaced. Malia and Zeke get like a seven or something. It is good and much excitement from Turpel!

Oh shit, Kai just fell on the first turn. Everyone is very sad for him. His partner, I forget who she is, in fact! She falls, too. They are fallers, unfortunately!

Hopefully, Anastasia can throw her teammate Luke a life-vest! Erin is full of jokes tonight. Luke fell in the barrel. Anastasia, also falling. No life-vest!

I am learning that backside barrel riding is very hard! There is very much falling.

Tia has a very cute bunhead! Everyone claps for her, because she did good at the surfing. Her turns, very nice! Her barrel, she made it! She blew the end section, but this is not a terrible failure, relatively speaking. Her partner Alejandro, he falls.

I would like to see some bikinis. Like legit fun, bright bikinis! The Ultimate Surfer tops are… modest. And not that stylish! Fashion seems not to be a priority, which makes my eyes very sad.

Zeke and Malia!

They win!

They get to choose who surfs in the elimination round. Maneuvering. Anastasia and Malia are plotting again. Tia and Alejandro got second.

Zeke says, I like to be in control. I like to be the puppet master! He is good at the psychological games. I do not know how he has not won more heats, actually. He is totally enjoying this whole thing so much.

Breanna, I’m not in high school, so I’m not descending to that level. So high-minded! Girl, it’s reality television.

Do you want to win?

Or get nothing.

Zeke and Malia pick Tia and Alejandro! Tia is totally taken by surprise. They do not know what to do. They scored so well! They did not think they would go to the elimination round. So stressful! Zeke and Malia are not here to play.

Now Alejandro and Tia don’t agree! Tia is so upset right now. I am not sure who wants what and why. I am losing track of the emerging blood feuds. I would like more of this drama, please! But I think I need a diagram or something to help me keep track.

Tia wants Anastasia and Luke. Alejandro wants Kai, because he is falling. Breanna goes to talk to Tia. And convinces her to stand her ground! And look after herself!

Luke is like, omg chick drama! I am getting caught up in chick drama! He is not stoked about the girls fighting. Tia and Breanna, so threatened by Anastasia!

It is so intense now.

I can’t even wait to see what happens next! Alejandro is fired up. He is from Puerto Rico and very proud. His Dad is a lawyer and thought surfing would turn Alejandro into a bum! Now he is on television! The world is so unexpected sometimes. Alejandro does a good wave, but falls on the end section.

Oh shit! Luke does not make the barrel. He did very nice turns, but fell in the barrel.

This is very bad for the plotting between Anastasia and Malia. What if Anastasia goes home? All that plotting for nothing. Also, I will be sad, because Anastasia is very fun. I like the plotting so much.

Now it is Tia’s turn and it goes very good. But no barrel! She falls in the barrel, too. Falling in the barrel is like, so a thing in this episode.

So much good barrel for Anastasia! But her turns, they were not that rad. Sorry, it’s true! I wanted more rad turns, not just barrel. Please try harder next time!

What will the judges decide? I can’t even begin to guess. This surfing thing, it is very complicated with many considerations. To barrel is very important! But also, the turning. It is good to do both, actually.

Malia looks worried. She wants her bestie Anastasia to stay! But she is worried that it will not work out.

Alejandro! He won the men’s surf-off! He can’t even believe it. It just gives me that much more confidence, he says. He is super happy and full of hopes!

Tia, she also survives! Breanna, so happy!

Sadface, Malia. She is so very sad. She is feeling like the outsider now. Malia vows revenge! She is coming for Breanna and Tia. So much blood feud, yes!

I can’t believe I got stuck in chick drama! Luke is very disgruntled and sad to be going home so early.

Maybe I’ll be back, bitches! Anastasia, signs off with flair and verve!

And, we’re done.

Next week! It is so long from now, and I don’t know how I will survive until then.

I am hoping there will be so much more blood feud. Also, there was no Kelly in this episode and I was very sad.

My life is not complete without Kelly.

Please come back, Kelly!

I will definitely be back, bitches!

“Surf Jew” Jonah Hill’s wild shout-out to obscure Byron Bay soft board manufacturer 88, “They’re serious Aussie surfers who grew up in the harshness of surf culture and they can rip on anything but they just want to have fun!”

“Fucking life is so serious,” says Jonah Hill, Hollywood funny man and Malibu local. “I want to have a good time and smile.” 

The man who put the V in VAL, Jonah Hill, famous for playing sexless butterballs in a series of box-office hits including Get Him to the Greek where he shelves alpha rock star Russell Brand’s heroin inside his ass, has appeared in a Gentleman’s Quarterly video promoting the obscure Byron Bay softboard brand 88.

Hill, who is thirty-seven and a surf veteran of two years, and who recently became a Malibu local after buying a nine-million dollar house there, counts the 88 sled, which he’s named Ron Burgundy, as one of the ten things he can’t live without.

Here, a movie made by 88 featuring Hill on his Ron. 


“Fucking life is so serious,” says Hill. “I want to have a good time and smile.” 

Hill’s three other essential surf items include green Sex Wax, “Green’s my favourite colour and it smells good, which is, like, I like smell”, a “Surf Jew” sticker that serves as an ironic punch in the nose to Malibu’s traditional Nazi-punk culture and a Japanese-made Axxe “Classic” long-john wetsuit. 

“A great tank-top style,” says Hill. “So sick.” 


Breaking: In shocking blow, “Pooch Perfect,” “Cherries Wild” smash “The Ultimate Surfer” in television ratings!

We must rally.

Oh no and oh no no no no no. The television ratings for last night’s “The Ultimate Surfer” premier have just been released and the numbers are not good, shockingly. The Wrap is reporting that “ABC’s ‘The Ultimate Surfer’ Premiere Wipes Out in TV Ratings,” declaring, “‘The Ultimate Surfer’ didn’t catch much of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’s’ ratings wave with Monday’s premiere, which received a 0.3 among adults 18-49 and just 1.46 million total viewers. In the two hours leading up to ‘Ultimate Surfer’s’ debut, ABC averaged a 0.9 demo rating and 3.22 million overall viewers.”

An inside source, who knows the Hollywood machinations, tells me, “Losing 200% of your lead in is really bad.”

By comparison, “Pooch Perfect,” a reality show about dog groomers, received a 0.5.

“Cherries Wild,” a game show described as “part trivia, part luck, and all-out wild” hosted by actor-adjacent Jason Biggs, received a similar 0.3.

But we cannot have this, no we cannot.

We cannot have dogs beating, American Pie matching, our beloved Kelly Slater.

No we cannot.

Joe Turpel is safe but the rest of our heroes, heroines, need us.

Tune in tonight for part two of the premier titled “The Trouble with Chicks.”

Do it for Kelly.

The voice of professional surfing Joe Turpel breakout star of reality television’s “The Ultimate Surfer”; on collision course with fame, fortune, cocaine addiction!

A hand jam straight to the heart.

Last evening, 10 pm/9 pm central, the World Surf League, in collaboration with ABC television, dropped its first episode of The Ultimate Surfer. Jen See covered masterfully here and you both can and should read. I only tuned in for a few minutes, as 10 pm/9 pm central snuck up in the middle of a intimate dinner party, catching the less-than-inspiring surfing at the end though was left with one firm impression.

Joe Turpel will be the breakout star.

Sitting there, behind a desk, wearing his classic short-sleeved Hawaiian button-up, skin buttery tan, chestnut hair coiffed around headphone microphone combination, blue eyes flashing, voice pure single batch Mrs. Butterworth syrup, Turpel owned the screen, undeniably, and is now, officially, on a collision course with fame, fortune, a raging cocaine addiction that he will conquer, inspiringly, in rehab.

Joe Turpel.

I’ll be honest, I did not that coming but there is no way television executives are not clamoring for his agent’s phone number right now. He is like Ryan Seacrest except not a Keebler elf. Like Dick Clark except alive-adjacent. Bob Eubanks except made from butter not wax.

Turpel will be called upon to host the Golden Globes, grand marshal the Rose Parade, master of ceremony New Year’s Eve New York City ball drop. His will be the face of America and the voice of America and will comfort us in our dark days with his proprietary blend of Mrs. Butterworth.

A hand jam straight to the heart.

I’ll be honest, I did not see that coming but it is undeniable.

And we will all say we knew him when.

Inspirational English Boardmasters festival decried as massive “super-spreader” event after thousands of rabid surf fans test positive for Covid-19!

Surfing is a disease.

And you thought The Ultimate Surfer was a blight on our heretofore good name. The hyper-vigilant mainstream media is reporting that the just-wrapped Boardmasters Festival, in Cornwall, England, was not just a fun surf contest slash music live music extravaganza but rather a vicious “super-spreader” event spewing nearly 5000 cases of Covid-19 through the rest of the country.

The BBC reports:

About 50,000 people attended the festival in and around Newquay, which now has the three neighbourhoods with the highest infection rates in England.

Cornwall’s public health team said: “We won’t know the complete picture for another few days.”
About 800 of those positive cases are people who live in Cornwall.

The figure comes after the Swansea Bay health board in Wales said on Friday about 50 cases there had been linked to the festival.

Ruth Goldstein, deputy director of public health for Cornwall and the Isles of Scilly, said: “At the moment, there are currently about 4,700 which could be linked to Boardmasters.

“These are people who have noted when they have had a PCR test, they have been associated to Boardmasters. We don’t know whether they have been camping, or to events on the beach, or to parties in the town put on by Boardmasters. Of those people, three-quarters of them are aged between 16 and 21, which is exactly the profile of the people who we know attend the festival.”

Rotten 16 to 21 year olds. Turn your back for one minute and there they are hosting surf competitions and listening to live music.

The last we heard from the Boardmasters, Korean automotive giant Kia was creating “every surfer’s dream machine” for the event.

Back to The Ultimate Surfer, though. What was the expression on World Surf League CEO Erik Logan’s face when he was watching last night?

Can you draw it in the comments?

Thank you.