A solid win for diversity amid a sea of honky.
I went surfing today, which is a very good way to waste time, in case you were wondering.
It also made me slightly stupid, so you can expect this week’s Ultimate Surfer recap to be even more deranged than usual.
Last week on The Ultimate Surfer, some stuff happened. I can’t remember any of it, if I’m honest. It was all so, so long ago.
But I do know this: Tonight is the grand finale of The Ultimate Surfer!
At long last, we are going to find out who wins.
One man and one women will survive tonight’s challenges and become The Ultimate Surfer, his and hers versions. I can’t even wait to see how it all unfolds.
Are you sad that it’s over? I think we’re supposed to be happy it happened, not sad that it’s over. That’s what Instagram says, and I always believe everything I see on Instagram.
Episode 8! The Finals!
I am fortified with chocolate and totally ready!
A best friends battle!
Tia versus Breanna. It’s such a women’s sports cliché! We’re all just friends here. We love each other. It is not my favorite cliché, but you know, I am not in a position to be choosy here. You have to watch the Ultimate Surfer you’re given, is what I’m saying.
On the men’s side, Zeke and Koa are the final two standing. The tats v. the cheekbones. Each is so haunting in his own way, when I really think about it. But thinking is super hard, so I’m not going to do that too much.
Five-year-old Koa is super cute. He wrote down in his journal that the final would be Zeke and Koa. His journal was very prophetic! Koa should try the lottery sometime.
Zeke cried during his first ever heat as a child. The waves were way too big and he didn’t want to paddle out. But he did, and it turned out totally well. He made it on Tour once, but he says now he was way too young, and it was too much, too soon. Almost, he is sympathetic here, which goes against the whole character arc of Zeke the unrelenting badass.
Anyway, it’s reality television, and I’m not sure we do character arcs here.
Kelly is welcoming them to the finals. You are the top four. Only one surfer stands between you and the World Tour. I’m glad Kelly is here to help me count, because I was having trouble with that part.
OMG! Kelly is here in real life! They have freed Kelly from his television screen and he is actually at the Surf Ranch. It’s all so real now.
Kelly doesn’t understand how Tia and Breanna can actually be friends. You are competing against one another. How you friends?
“Friends for one more day,” he says.
Extra practice time with Kelly. Everyone is super stoked to surf with Kelly. Also, Kelly looks good surfing the basin, of course.
He even managed to get his old bones up in the air and back down. Rad.
Apparently, the idea is that Kelly is going to coach them now.
Kelly likes Koa’s style, but he says Koa needs more variety. But he has style! Kelly says style is important, in fact, even though the judges don’t really care about that kind of thing. Turns bro, the judges like turns.
Breanna gets stuck on her back foot too much, says Kelly. She should hit it, instead of carving in the steep sections. I am learning so much here about how to surf better. Hit it (takes notes).
Kelly makes Tia super nervous and she falls on both waves. She tries not to let this get in her head.
After watching some surfing, Kelly is leaving now.
Now, they’re all in the SUV with Jesse driving. Blindfolds! So scary!
Where could they possibly be going? I mean, there aren’t a lot of options there in Lemoore. Trust me, I checked thoroughly. Also they are wearing their super hot Ultimate Surfer rashies, so I hope they do not have to go anywhere public, because that would be embarrassing, I feel.
Commercial time, and there is a very large cheeseburger on my screen. It does not look super appealing. Needs more kale.
Am I getting kidnapped? Koa is anxious and so stressed out.
Breanna is screaming.
They’re trying to figure out where they’re going.
Is this a beach battle?
Everyone gets out of the car, still wearing blindfolds. They’re all holding hands and trying to figure out who they are and where they are. It’s very confusing!
A final challenge! Still blindfolded.
Jesse: Are you ready?
Surprise! Spa day!
Everyone is so happy now.
They sit in ice baths. Now the girls are teaching the boys how to put a masque on their faces. Also, cucumbers for the eyes!
Zeke thinks they’re zucchini. He is wrong, but we’ll let it slide. He does not seem like a guy who has spent a lot of time at the spa.
What do you remember most? Breanna says surfing at night is the highlight of her whole career! Tia has won every surf-off she’s done.
In the end, if we don’t remember it, did it even happen? Koa brings the deep thoughts.
We have to bring it! May the best man and woman win.
Koa is good at the pep talk. If surfing doesn’t work out for him, maybe he can coach his local t-ball team. I think he could be a very good coach. Bring it!
Only 30 minutes left! And then we’re going to cry because it’s over. Totally.
There are random work-outs going on, now. Yoga and stretching and whatnot. Very important surfing work-out stuff.
Jesse is here with something very important to share! I wonder who styles his not-quite-beard. It’s very perfect.
Everyone gets three waves. Only the highest wave counts. Super simple! Even my small girl brain can follow this contest. I don’t even have to do math or keep track of combo situations. I feel so confident right now.
The final surf-off is during the day.
Does Tia get points for her hair flip? Because she totally should.
The eliminated surfers are back! And they get to watch. How wonderful for them.
The scoring is straight-up, like a normal contest.
Friends battle, first! Breanna and Tia are in the water and it’s so on now!
Do I need to tell you about the surfing? I feel like maybe I don’t. There is so much surfing going on.
First wave! Breanna falls on the close-out move. She gets a 6.17.
Tia says the CT wildcards would be a dream come true. She’s tried to qualify, but never quite made it. Yet.
Tia’s turns look nice, and she has lovely flow. She falls behind the wave and doesn’t make the barrel. I think they give her a seven.
There’s some stuff about Koa hitting the reef in Indo. Much blood. I am squeamish about the blood part.
Heavy power vibes from Zeke. He finishes with a reverse for an eight.
Lipline! The first lipline mention of the finale!
Koa has a skatey style, sliding on the, uh, lipline. Help! Help me, Turpel is finally getting in my brain. I am going to need an intervention over here.
A commercial interrupts the barrel which he maybe made or maybe didn’t! So much suspense over here!
Plumbing supplies! There are so many kitchen faucets on my screen right now. Stoked!
I still don’t understand how they decide who is going frontside and who is going backside. But whatevs! It’s too late to understand things now.
Koa falls in the barrel! He gets a four. A four is not going to beat Zeke’s eight. I am good enough at math to know that much!
Lipline! Breanna is belting it off the lipline!
It is so close now! Breanna gets a 7.83. It’s super close between the friends!
Oh hey, Tia gets a 9.5. She got a sick barrel and everything! Yay! Tia is very happy.
Back to the boys.
Oh no! Zeke falls! I did not know he knew how to fall. Zeke is angry. He got a 4.5, which is not really the score Zeke wants.
Koa is behind, but he has his magic surfboard and he believes!
Stylish ride from Koa, and he finishes with frontside reverse. Gets the completion, says Turpel.
I’m not even fighting it anymore. Completion. Surfing is just football in the water. It’s fine. It’s Turpel’s world and we just live in it now. In fact, from now on, after every wave, I’m going to be like, yah, man, I got the completion. And you know what? It’s going to feel so good.
I did not know that Wheel of Fortune was still on television. I thought for sure that shit would have been Darwined by now.
Lead change! 8.97 for Koa. It’s down to the last wave between Zeke and Koa.
Last wave! Breanna!
Risky decision! Turpel likes it. She got barreled and everything! That was really awesome, says Turpel.
Last wave! Tia!
It’s almost over now.
Hugs between the friends!
Tia feels like she did her best surfing. It’s been so awesome! I’ve had the time of my life!
Last wave for Zeke!
Very cute layback for Zeke ahead of the barrel. And super deep! So deep, I could barely see him. Proper!
Big, no-grab air to finish. Maybe landed it or maybe he didn’t!
Because, commercial times.
There is a medieval battle breaking out. I do not know what I’m supposed to buy here, but it’s exciting.
I am wide awake now and ready to see the rest of Zeke’s barrel. Honestly, if the WSL adopts this commercial pattern during actual heats I might quit watching pro surfing forever. The most buzz kill ever. Turpel can live inside my brain, but the commercial thing, I can not do.
That air from Zeke was legit good, in fact! Clean, no grab, super high. And a smooth as fuck landing. It’s probs a ten, really. I’ve got no argument.
Very deep barrels from Koa! But the landing on that last air was not that clean. Koa is throwing shakas and showing all the stoke! He could not be more happy.
We’re the real winners, says Turpel. We all win! I feel like a winner, for sure. I mean, I watched all eight episodes and made it to the finale. I deserve to feel like a winner!
I love my magic surfboard. Koa is kissing his board. It’s cute.
ELO! All the cool people are here now.
Elo is wearing a red, floral-print Hawaiian shirt. It is very white guy going to Waikiki to drink Mai Tais on the beach. Not that drinking Mai Tais on the beach is bad, necessarily, but I’d probably just wear a clean tee and call it done. Maybe I need to expand my horizons! Maybe I, too, need a red, floral-print Hawaiian shirt.
Okay, enough about the shirt, let’s find out the winners, which is what Elo is here to do.
Zeke and Tia win!
Hugs all around! Everyone is super happy right now, even the losers!
KELLY! He reappears, and he’s not trapped in his television set anymore. He’s free! Kelly is there to help celebrate the fabulous winners.
So much white teeth! So many smiles!
I am so totally feeling the love.
It’s a dream come true, says Tia. I’m pretty sure Zeke said the same thing.
Does it matter? Really, I don’t think it does.
The awkward check-holding ritual! This is my favorite moment in sports. There’s the podium, and everyone is all up there, trying to hold the big check. Like, omg! Don’t drop the big check! I imagine a gust of wind carrying everyone and their big checks far, far away.
The winners ride away on the jetskis. Down, down the basin they go. I’m not sure where they’re going. I’m not sure I need to know.
Like the end of a long dream, it all fades to black before they get there.
What happens next, no longer concerns me.
This time, I will not be back, bitches!
(Editor’s note: BeachGrit announced the men’s result in May, a rare moment of rumour and truth colliding.)