Forgetting Sarah Marshall’s “Happy Hawaiian Waiter” and Momentum Generation star Kalani Robb turns to popular horse dewormer in order to beat Covid-19; Meticulously documents experience!

"Day two..."

It appears as if Filipe Toledo’s “huge scuffle” at Lower Trestles has finally subsided without much injury. Whew. Dangerous days, still, and strange ones too what with Mick Fanning performing environmental theater, Chinese multinationals selling very cheap surfboards and Forgetting Sarah Marshall’s “Happy Hawaiian Waiter,” Momentum Generation star Kalani Robb contracting the Coronavirus and attempting to cure with the popular horse dewormer ivermectin.

Whew is right.

Robb, who is meticulously documenting his journey on Instagram (follow here), was self-professedly inspired by “Oprah for men” Joe Rogan who also recently contracted Covid-19 and told his loyal following, “We immediately threw the kitchen sink at it. All kinds of meds. Monoclonal antibodies, ivermectin, Z-pak, prednisone, everything. And I also got an anti-D drip and a vitamin drip.”

Studies are inconclusive if ivermectin is, in fact, effective though the Food and Drug Administration very much warns against its use.


Some darkly conflicted business?

Rogan went on to say that he cured himself in three days, telling his fans, “I feel pretty fucking good.”

Robb is currently on day two.

How will this worm turn?

More as the story develops.

Fans, fangs flashing, viciously round on Mick Fanning as world’s most lovable surfer issues vacuous climate change message: “Stop getting 100 boards a year is a good start!”

Performative environmentalism.

Mick Fanning’s rise from provincial drunk to multiple time champion to businessman to world’s most lovable surfer has been as wonderful as it has been inspiring. Who could have ever dreamed that a boy once named Eugene would soar to such heights, captivating hearts along the way? Beer baron, hybrid yoga impresario, podcast host, adoring fans growing and growing and growing all whilst swooning over that smile once rudely described as “blandly chipped-tooth’d” (buy here in exciting new audio format read by the author). Higher and higher and higher.


And yet, if there is one important story from western civilization it is that of Icarus. The lad who tried to escape his lowly station with wings made of wax. So fond was he of soaring, though, that he flew too near the sun and met an ugly fate, drowning in the sea.

So too has Fanning just been burned by that overheating sun and is now drowning in negative Instagram comments.

The Rip Curl star took to Instagram, last week, and posted a vacuous message about Australian athletes doing their part to stop climate change.

Performative environmentalism.

This sort of business once received only clapping hands emojis and heart-eye’d emojis but the general public has grown weary of pure performance and Mick Fanning’s own fans viciously rounded on him.

Albie Ussher hit directly at Fanning’s bottom line, asking, “Well ironically the athletes would have to stop getting sponsored from all the polluting companies yes?”

Carl Gaudin offered, “As soon as you stop flying in planes and consuming imported products I can take you seriously on this. Or maybe I’d actually believe you cared about humanity if you spoke out about your oppressive government – that is the real threat – tyranny from government.”

Tim Bourke danced with the hypocrisy, “Stop getting 100 boards a year is a good start.”

And James Bellhouse applauded, “It’s great news that you’re shutting down production of your toxic MF softboards, they’re horrible for the environment.”

On and on it went with only brave Taylor Knox standing in the gap, offering “raise the roof” emojis.

Do you think Fanning is deeply considering the frustration or is he turning to the “world’s most environmentally damaging person” Kelly Slater for advice on how to navigate these uncertain times?

More as the story develops.

Bargain hunter surfers fleeced for thousands as “world’s cheapest surfboards sale”, including Rob Machado Seasides reduced from $820 to $77.90, revealed to be elaborate multi-national hoax!

World's best-ever surfboard sale preys on the frail of mind!

Who don’t love a bargain? Earlier today, the BeachGrit commenter Robert Ahearn sent a link to a Firewire Surfboards “summer clearance sale” offering the cream of that company’s range at prices, yeah, too good to be true.

You want a Waikiki Queens Thunderbolt Silver but don’t have the $1150 to throw at it? Today only, eighty bucks.

Same for a Sci-Fi 2.0, a Machado Seaside, a Cymatic, an FRK and so on.

The sorta prices that make the corners of your mouth quiver and heart stop for a pounding instant.

A pop-up window appears, someone from Qld just bought a Thunderbolt, someone from San Diego just bought a Sci-Fi, someone from Oklahoma just bought a Greedy Beaver.

All pretty legit looking and which preys upon the mindset that thinks, it’s only eighty skins, what have I got to lose?

Your ol pal DR is such a tight ass, howevs, I got on the phone to Firewire’s CEO Mark Price (a South African surfer with an achingly beautiful style and a former world #17) to verify the fabulous offering.

Turns out it’s hitting a few diff board builders.

“Major scam,” said Price. “They’ll take your dollars but you’ll never get shipped. We sent out a notice yesterday to all retailers, email blast etc, and we’ve been in contact with ISP to get them removed. If we had any excess inventory it would selling full wholesale, retail, in the current market environment.”

The WordPress site fronting the sale is linked to a PayPal account for Harbin Lerusheng Trading Co Ltd from China, with servers and registration in the US. Facebook account is @FirewireSports.

A familiar scene on Australian beaches. | Photo: 9News

Australia’s Great White Crisis: Surfer dead after suspected Great White attack at popular Australian beach

After two decades of the Great White being protected, this is the new reality of surfing in Australia.

The usual theatre, surfer hit by shark, paramedics, CPR on the beach, on Australia’s north coast this morning after a surfer was bitten by a suspected Great White shark at Shelley Beach, near Coffs Harbour. 

The man, in his thirties, was bitten on the arm around eleven, dragged to shore, CPR, chopper, dead. 

It’s the first fatal shark attack on the east coast since May, when surfer Mark Sanguinetti was killed by a fifteen-foot Great White at  Tuncurry, two hours drive south, and two months since surfer Joe Hoffman survived a hit by a ten-foot Great White at Crescent Head, a little further north of Tuncurry.

Local rez Glenn Coleman told the ABC he heard the sirens and, “We pricked our ears up straight away and we knew something had happened. It’s a heavy feeling. It’s put a heavy atmosphere over the village.”

Coleman says Shelley was crowded with locals ’cause it was Father’s Day.

What’s the takeaway, here?

After two decades of the Great White being protected, this is the new reality of surfing in Australia.

So buy and learn to use a tourniquet. Most, although certainly not all, Great White hits are a bite-and-release taste test so once the shark leaves, if you’re quick a life can be saved.

If you can get a tourniquet above the wound site, your buddy has a good chance of living.

There’s an exception here.

If the shark takes off an entire leg or arm and there’s no stump, well, even a combat medic can’t stop the bleeding.

But if there’s a stump, there’s a chance, a good chance. If you act fast.

You carrying a tourniquet in your wetsuit? Or on the beach?

Before anything, before calling anyone, get it on, tight, a couple of inches above the joint.

That’s it.

No tourniquet or it’s in the car?

Get a towel. Apply as much pressure as you can where the blood is coming out. All that matters is stopping the blood.

A catastrophic attack and your buddy is going to lose consciousness in three minutes; after five minutes the outcomes are poor.

(Click here to check out ER doctor and surfer Jon Cohen’s range of tourniquets, including one built-into a leash)

More on the Coffs attack as it comes. 

Filipe Toledo’s “huge scuffle” at Lower Trestles explodes online as anti-depressive surf website accused of anti-Brazilian bias: “You can talk sh*t on Brazilians every post as they will win every World Title for the next two decades!”

"Meanwhile Americans are winning the vlogging game..."

Three days ago, the international surf community became aware of the Wrestle at Trestles (SurfAds™). As revealed by a revered eyewitness-adjacent, Filipe Toledo and a “hot, young sponsored junior” became involved in a “huge scuffle” at Lowers, site of the upcoming and possibly anticipated World Surf League Final Day.

Allegedly, the hot junior caught a set wave, the world number 3 tried to back-paddle then  “As Toledo tries to pass him, young surfer grabs and holds on to Filipe’s wetsuit… and holds on the entire ride. At the end, there was a huge scuffle. Mostly verbal. Young kid is a hothead, demands that Toledo paddle in after asking, ‘Who do you think you are? … the new local?’ Tensions were so bad at the peak that Toledo did decided to paddle in and go home.”

If not tensely thrilling enough, two days ago, Toledo’s daddy Ricardo swung in to the fray, defending his son’s honor and denying any wrongdoing on BeachGrit‘s oft-blocked Instagram account:

Impressive the amount of shit you talk to earn likes and move the ridiculous articles you post. This is a tremendous lie, it never happened and the worst thing a media can do is spread lies on their pages… and you are the experts at this, congratulations! That’s why I, and everyone around here, blocked you. Poor article, poor spirit…

Reaching a possible boiling point, yesterday, many others capoeira-ed in too, heels coming dangerously close to jaws, fists just missing kidneys, accusing the same BeachGrit, which bills itself as anti-depressive, of an anti-Brazilian bias.

An outright melee.

Marcos cabeçada’d, “One thing is true you talk lots of shit and yes you seem to be like the gossip magazines always talking shit specifically about Brazilians. The reality is the three on top are Brazilian and it’ll be like that for a few years in the future. Good luck to the finalists.”

Hugues bênção’d, “You can talk shit on Brazilians every post as they will win every World Title for the next two decades. AND should create their own league. Meanwhile Americans are winning the vlogging game and reality show awards for the next decade.”

On and on it went. And on. More and more into the unbelievable rumble.

This Squabble on the Cobble (John Non John™).

BeachGrit left stunned.

There is no anti-Brazilian bias whatsoever. Some of the website’s principals’ better friends are, in fact, Brazilian.

The question remains, though, will the growing fracas on Toledo’s behalf energize or scare the noted aerialist as final’s day approaches?

Also, don’t you think that Brazilians could fairly easily win the reality show awards if they put even half a mind to it? The competition is certainly left wanting.