World's best-ever surfboard sale preys on the frail of mind!

Who don’t love a bargain? Earlier today, the BeachGrit commenter Robert Ahearn sent a link to a Firewire Surfboards “summer clearance sale” offering the cream of that company’s range at prices, yeah, too good to be true.

You want a Waikiki Queens Thunderbolt Silver but don’t have the $1150 to throw at it? Today only, eighty bucks.

Same for a Sci-Fi 2.0, a Machado Seaside, a Cymatic, an FRK and so on.

The sorta prices that make the corners of your mouth quiver and heart stop for a pounding instant.

A pop-up window appears, someone from Qld just bought a Thunderbolt, someone from San Diego just bought a Sci-Fi, someone from Oklahoma just bought a Greedy Beaver.

All pretty legit looking and which preys upon the mindset that thinks, it’s only eighty skins, what have I got to lose?

Your ol pal DR is such a tight ass, howevs, I got on the phone to Firewire’s CEO Mark Price (a South African surfer with an achingly beautiful style and a former world #17) to verify the fabulous offering.

Turns out it’s hitting a few diff board builders.

“Major scam,” said Price. “They’ll take your dollars but you’ll never get shipped. We sent out a notice yesterday to all retailers, email blast etc, and we’ve been in contact with ISP to get them removed. If we had any excess inventory it would selling full wholesale, retail, in the current market environment.”

The WordPress site fronting the sale is linked to a PayPal account for Harbin Lerusheng Trading Co Ltd from China, with servers and registration in the US. Facebook account is @FirewireSports.

After two decades of the Great White being protected, this is the new reality of surfing in Australia.

The usual theatre, surfer hit by shark, paramedics, CPR on the beach, on Australia’s north coast this morning after a surfer was bitten by a suspected Great White shark at Shelley Beach, near Coffs Harbour. 

The man, in his thirties, was bitten on the arm around eleven, dragged to shore, CPR, chopper, dead. 

It’s the first fatal shark attack on the east coast since May, when surfer Mark Sanguinetti was killed by a fifteen-foot Great White at  Tuncurry, two hours drive south, and two months since surfer Joe Hoffman survived a hit by a ten-foot Great White at Crescent Head, a little further north of Tuncurry.

Local rez Glenn Coleman told the ABC he heard the sirens and, “We pricked our ears up straight away and we knew something had happened. It’s a heavy feeling. It’s put a heavy atmosphere over the village.”

Coleman says Shelley was crowded with locals ’cause it was Father’s Day.

What’s the takeaway, here?

After two decades of the Great White being protected, this is the new reality of surfing in Australia.

So buy and learn to use a tourniquet. Most, although certainly not all, Great White hits are a bite-and-release taste test so once the shark leaves, if you’re quick a life can be saved.

If you can get a tourniquet above the wound site, your buddy has a good chance of living.

There’s an exception here.

If the shark takes off an entire leg or arm and there’s no stump, well, even a combat medic can’t stop the bleeding.

But if there’s a stump, there’s a chance, a good chance. If you act fast.

You carrying a tourniquet in your wetsuit? Or on the beach?

Before anything, before calling anyone, get it on, tight, a couple of inches above the joint.

That’s it.

No tourniquet or it’s in the car?

Get a towel. Apply as much pressure as you can where the blood is coming out. All that matters is stopping the blood.

A catastrophic attack and your buddy is going to lose consciousness in three minutes; after five minutes the outcomes are poor.

(Click here to check out ER doctor and surfer Jon Cohen’s range of tourniquets, including one built-into a leash)

More on the Coffs attack as it comes. 

“Our whole wetsuit section was destroyed (over 400 units). We found out that neoprene melts when a truck burns rubber on the suits."

Kekoa Kinimaka, 20, is in police custody after allegedly driving his truck straight through the shop, back to front.

While the motive is still unclear, the damage is striking.

Surveillance video shows a black truck, carrying a couple of surfboards, plowing through the store then reversing before ripping through the merchandise again.

Hi-Tech Surf Sports’ back door, front window, and merchandise were destroyed.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CSgIxTHjxQ9/

Whada mess.

Owner Kim Ball described the ruins,

“Our sunscreen and GoPro displays went for a ride. There was SPF 50 shot out of tubes like a bottle rocket on the 4th of July. Sunscreen cleared the Olukai and Reef racks and hit surfboards on the other side of the store.”

According to Maui Now, assistant manager Tyler Abbott was alone in the shop at approximately 4:30 p.m. sitting at the cash wrap station, when he heard the “screeching of tires,” which he said is not particularly unusual for that intersection.

The employee reportedly stood up to see what was happening, when he “heard a loud pop,” saw “glass fly everywhere,” and observed the taillights of a truck within the store.

Ball reports that Abbott narrowly missed a bruising and is said “to be slowly recovering from the emotional trauma of nearly being run over.”

(This might sound callous, but most of us would pay money for a front row seat to witness such a bull-in-china shop romp, no?)

Ball has, however, found some levity in the situation.

“Our whole wetsuit section was destroyed (over 400 units). We found out that neoprene melts when a truck burns rubber on the suits.”

Police discovered the truck on nearby Auhana Road and arrested Kinimaka shortly after.

Bail was originally set at a hundred K but has been since reduced by half.

Fitting bail?

And what about sentencing?

"I don’t believe there’s a finer competitive surfer in history than Gabriel Medina."

All it took was a line from a Chas Smith pixel filler, “Who is your money on, by the way?”

Honestly, I hadn’t even realised the finals were so soon.

Sometimes life is like that.

Everything’s going swimmingly, there’s money in the bank, food on the table, smiles in the bedroom…

Then crack, there it is. A splintered mess of a front door with a big fuckoff wolf’s head poking through it.

Oh well. Here we go again.

So here’s the brief…

Some of you will know me by now, though I’ve been away for some time. Here’s a reminder of my personal bents, should you decide to follow any advice.

I bet largely with the heart rather than the head. Call me masochistic. Of course I know better, and statistically I’m a failure. But I like higher highs and deeper lows. I like to really feeeeeeel.

I don’t believe there’s a finer competitive surfer in history than Gabriel Medina.

Despite these facts, I like some long shots. There’s always the chance you might hit the big one and convince yourself enough’s enough.

I’m still waiting.

So, the players.

Gabriel Medina

What is there left to say? Medina is a favourite anywhere in the world. You’re a bold man to bet against him, though of course we’re at Trestles. It’s akin to moving the Masters from Augusta to a nine-hole par three course.

But Gabby is Gabby, and even if Charlie’s not there perforating eardums, he’s still got Andy King.

He seems to be lacking a little mojo overall this year, but he’s likely keeping his powder dry. He seems a little more mellow than we’re used to and is likely dipping his wick between heats, and who could blame him?

But peel back a layer and there’s a vicious competitive beast underneath, laced through to the core like a stick of rock.

We’ll see the real Medina at Trestles.

No chance he’s letting a third title go begging. Put my house on it.

Italo Ferreira

I love Italo, but from a gambling perspective I’m still smarting from money lost in the early days when he wasn’t so in vogue. I was on his bandwagon early. I could see that he had the most electrifying backhand in the game and the potential to thrill from day one.

And my, how I pulled for him!

The bookies, of course, were slower to catch on, so Italo’s odds were just delicious. However, as is the way with pro surfing and shit judging, he was often underscored.

I could give you specific examples and figures, but honestly it’s too painful.

A couple of vague biggish ones spring out – a 22k accumulator payout scuppered by a heat loss to Ace bloody Buchan somewhere along the way. (Maybe Kolohe? I can’t remember). Eleven thousand missed at the first Surf Ranch event on one underscored left. And a whole fucking whack of cash gone at Bells in 2019 when he got that interference on Jordy.

Suffice to say, I’ve been through the mill with Italo, and as soon as I stopped making him the fulcrum of all my bets he started winning everything.

So I can’t go back, because you know what’ll happen.

Heart over head.

Filipe Toledo

Who doesn’t find Filipe’s surfing completely CHOKE electrifying when he’s on CHOKE point?

Trestles is not only custom designed CHOKE for his CHOKE surfing, but it’s virtually his CHOKE local spot, despite what the local groms think when they CHOKE send him in.

He could CHOKE win the whole thing, there’s no doubt about CHOKE that, but not for my money.

CHOKE, CHOKE. CHOKE, CHOKE.

CHOKE.

Conner Coffin

I’ve got a wee soft spot for Conner. Not only was he most gracious with his time when I peppered him with questions for something I was writing, but I love a natural footer raised on a right point. His aesthetic appeals to me.

His surfing I mean, not his lesbian chic haircut.

He won’t win, of course, not at Trestles.

However there’s one conditional I will add.

A slim chance that’s worth throwing some money Conner’s way.

A ghost of a rumour that could swing everything his way.

A glimmer of a shadow of a tantilising possibility that he could blow the doors off our perception when it comes to riding waves.

I am of course referring to THE TURN.

As prophesied (nay promised!) by Brad Gerlach somewhere along the way, Conner Coffin has in his locker a TURN the likes of which we’ve never seen. A TURN to spin the world on its axis. The ki to unlocking multiple world titles…

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.

Come on, Conner. Do it for us!

THE TURN!

Morgan Ciblic

I’ll confess to being a bit in the dark with Morgs, such is my recent casting off of all things pro surfing and associated bankruptcy. I haven’t seen him surf that much.

However…I’m presuming he’s a massive underdog, in which case his odds are going to be TASTY, and in which case he’s probably MY NEW FAVOURITE SURFER! A classic heart bet with payout to match.

Plus, he’s Australian, and that’s alright with me. He’ll be getting a slice of my wife and kid’s future for sure.

So that’s that. I guess I’m back.

Fuck it, you are who you are.