Surf Ranch is for nose walkers.
Surf Ranch, nestled in the abjectly terrible California Central Valley, was to be Kelly Slater’s crowning achievement. The apex of fevered dreams. A reflection of his ego that would dominate surfing long after his body has been cryogenically frozen.
A perfect wave. A perfect wave gurgling up from beyond the plow then growing, racing, reeling into a barrel, opening back up, barreling again and ending with a high-performance air-reverse section.
The World Surf League, rabid, purchased this chimera instantly knowing that it would profoundly change the future of professional surfing. Believing it would push progression to the limit of human capacity.
Except a funny thing happened on the way to radical. Six-odd years since the Lemoore facility was first revealed, it has become clear that Slater did, in fact, create a perfect wave but a perfect wave for longboarding, an ideal canvas for nose walking etc.
Tell me it is not the gorgeous Stepford Wife to South Africa’s handsome Cape St. Francis.
To that end, the WSL will host the Cuervo Surf Ranch Classic at the world’s best longboard wave beginning today, airing live tomorrow.
I asked Devon Howard, professional longboarding’s commissioner, what made it so fine and he responded, “I think the way that wave works makes so much sense for the longboard. It favors a horizontal surfing as opposed to up and down, or top to bottom.”
Don’t agree? Think otherwise? We will be airing live tomorrow and can discuss in the comments.
More as the story develops.
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Longboard is the best, but watching that wave is boring. It’s just ugly. And so it the train. Worst thing that ever happened to the sport.
This discussion is the garage band’s equivalent to “It used to be about the music, man”
A positive for the L.G.B.D. community
Ya know someone’s going to drop this – may as well be me!
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
The problem for ke11y is he has been a cunt about the pool from day 1. Literally only for people famous enough to hang out with the bald headed douche or rich enough to pay for a wave.
i’ll give it a passing bong-lording wave
Dr Frankenstein’s, (Slaterstein’s) ‘soul-less’ creation…..
Dr. Slater-steeen!
Did Longtom need to give to two weeks notice? If so punish the ship jumping cunt with the task of covering this.
That’d be a fitting last challenge for LT. Could he make a recap of a longboard contest at a wavepool interesting? Might be an impossible task…
Dave drops his legal pad on the conference room table, the messy and muffled papery plop sound instead of a nice hard cardboard slap sound making him agitated.
“Damn it! Freaking folded back pages,” he mumbles to himself, not wanting to dwell long enough on the problem to admit to himself that the folded back pages, cause of his current flaccidity, are due to him attempting to appear cool, rather than orderly or just normal, like no one would’ve thought if he’d just not folded them back.
“Hey, Dave, how’s it going,” says a soft voice, in a manner of speech by which the someone thinks his droney, paternal whisper makes him seem thoughtful and always in control and calm, from the doorway.
“Oh, hi, Devon,” says Dave monotonously, his smirk betraying his tone, letting Devon know that he is happy to see him, in all his red faced, flip flop wearing, flannel and skinny jeans clothed glory, small pieces of marshmallow in his “scruffy” beard accenting his trying, effortless look.
Devon walks over to take a seat opposite Dave, on his way down letting off a long, low, satisfied sigh, like one your grandpa would give after a long day at the zoo.
“Oh, hey, I’ll be right back,” pants Dave, who races to his office to grab the mortadella sandwich he stashed in the fridge. Once in his grasp, he jogs back down the hallway to the conference room, which now has Erik in it.
“Hi there, Prodie. Oooh that looks interesting,” he says, pointing to Dave’s sandwich.
“So, Devon was saying something about middle of the road something or something, and people bei…”
“Wait, I thought this meeting was supposed to be about the Surf Ranch longboard contest,” interrupts Dave.
“Oh, it was,” replies Erik.
“Well, what do you guys think about the contest?” asks Devon.
“It should work. Surf Ran…” starts Dave.
“It will be AMAZING! We could break records for viewers!” yelps Erik.
Dave and Devon exchange eyerolls.
“I would maybe not go that far. I mean, this is a longboard contest, which not as many people watch, but it should be a good showcase for the discipline,” asserts Devon.
“It should do relatively OK,” adds Dave.
“OK? That’s not good enough… hmmm… no, it will be great! Shortboard, longboard, SUP, canoeing…. Surfing is surfing,” says Erik, not realizing he sounds like a moron.
“Well, as long as you’re onboard, I guess I can’t complain about taking the Commish money.”
“Oh, Dev..”
Just then, music starts playing. Dave and Erik look at each other confused, because it sounds like the Matlock theme song is blaring out.
“Oh, sorry, that’s me. We’ll just let it go to voicemail,” says Devon.
They sit through the rest of the ringing.
“Was that the Matlock theme?” questions Erik.
“Yes it was!”
“Neato!” cries Erik.
Erik and Devon look at Dave for his reaction.
“Oh, cool. Yeah, I haven’t seen that in so long…” he offers.
Erik and Devon just stare at him.
“Err, uhh, that’s a pretty choice song for a ringtone. The thing that ruins the song for me is the slide whistle at the end.”
“What?! That let’s you know it always has a happy ending,” giggles Erik.
“The song sounds serious and then that? Come on…”
“What could possibly make a better ringtone?” coohs Devon.
“Zangief’s theme from Super Street Fighter 2,” says the FedEx guy standing at the room entrance, who none of them happened to notice come in. “Here, sign this,” he says, putting out his clipboard for Dave to sign.
Dave signs the delivery slip and the guy leaves.
“What is this?”
“Some pens!” exclaims Erik.
Devon and Dave exchange more eyerolls. Devon pulls out his phone and begins typing. All of a sudden, music starts to play… Zangief’s stage music.
“Ooooooh… industrial funk, uhhhnnnn,” grunts Erik, who starts bobbing his head to the sound.
“So, Surf Ranch is great for longboarding!” hoots Devon, who then walks out the door on his way out the building.
“Wait, what?” says Dave, quizzically.
“He’s all good. Hey, Dave send me that song Devon was playing on his phone at the end.”
“Zangief’s? I personally liked Ken’s…”
“No one cares.”
Dave sends Erik a YouTube video of the song and walks out toward his office, half eaten sandwich in hand. Erik walks to his office, sits at his desk and grabs his iPad. Into the Google search bar on his Chrome browser, he types, “Zengeef hentai.”
I think its a bit rude to say Kelly built the wave pool because of his ego. His contributions to surfing like his playstation game have been great. The wave pool is just another funny idea he had and wanted to make real. Regardless, I don’t think I will ever go to a pool to surf. Its not really the point of surfing for me
From my point of view, I see no positive contributions from Slater to the act of surfing.
He’s maybe worst thing to ever happen to surfing .
Great Surfer but will never be forgiven for inspiring Quiksilver to make Polo necked Golf Shirts ……In an era when pro surfers had way too much cash and free time, wasting valuable Surfing Hours , trying to wack a white ball in a dark hole .
Swimsuit models on the catwalk
The Megawatt Pro! Brought to you by Pacific Gas and Electric!
It’ll be firing for sure.
But its powered by fake solar power so maybe Fake Solar Power Pro brought to you by Fakeness.
That doesn’t really roll off the tongue very well though.
That’s right, its good for the environment! Look at the dozen PV panels on the sled! A miracle of physics defying engineering. Damn near perfected the perpetual motion surf machine
Longboarding?
Live?
From a mechanical, artificial wave?
With zero chance of shark encounters?
Cool.
Have fun.
As commented previously: if you had to choose between watching a longboarding comp in Kelly’s pool or sticking a fork in your eye, which eye would it be?
I can’t see too well, what’s it all about?
https://m.youtube.com/watch…
Both
A fork …… ?
Both eyes scooped out with rusty spoon used previously by infectious junkies .
I dare you to watch.
I dare one of the hip , anti establishment , Longboarders ( ha ha ha ha ) to tag there piece of shit longboard with # DORA LIVES …….
Though he probably would have competed and slyly promoted profit sharing ?
Longboring.
Blasphemy