In setting out to create perfect high-performance wave, world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater accidentally stumbles upon longboard paradise!

Surf Ranch is for nose walkers.

Surf Ranch, nestled in the abjectly terrible California Central Valley, was to be Kelly Slater’s crowning achievement. The apex of fevered dreams. A reflection of his ego that would dominate surfing long after his body has been cryogenically frozen.

A perfect wave. A perfect wave gurgling up from beyond the plow then growing, racing, reeling into a barrel, opening back up, barreling again and ending with a high-performance air-reverse section.

The World Surf League, rabid, purchased this chimera instantly knowing that it would profoundly change the future of professional surfing. Believing it would push progression to the limit of human capacity.

Except a funny thing happened on the way to radical. Six-odd years since the Lemoore facility was first revealed, it has become clear that Slater did, in fact, create a perfect wave but a perfect wave for longboarding, an ideal canvas for nose walking etc.

Tell me it is not the gorgeous Stepford Wife to South Africa’s handsome Cape St. Francis.

To that end, the WSL will host the Cuervo Surf Ranch Classic at the world’s best longboard wave beginning today, airing live tomorrow.

I asked Devon Howard, professional longboarding’s commissioner, what made it so fine and he responded, “I think the way that wave works makes so much sense for the longboard. It favors a horizontal surfing as opposed to up and down, or top to bottom.”

Don’t agree? Think otherwise? We will be airing live tomorrow and can discuss in the comments.

More as the story develops.

Pandemonium strikes paradise as two Hawaiian Airlines flights forced to prematurely land within hours of each other; one passenger punches attendant, another refuses to cover face with mask!

Tourists gone wild.

The beautiful, magical, treasured Hawaiian islands have been hit and hit particularly hard during these long Covid years. Oh, I’m no epistemologist so cannot speak to the toll of the actual disease on the chain but, as a surf journalist, am more than qualified to weigh in on the social price and it has been high.

Initially, as travel restrictions waned, tourists came roaring over the Pacific and in such numbers that Governor Ige and woke locals, or “woke-als” combined forces to beg them to stop.

Stop they did and the hospitality industry reeled as hotel rooms went unfilled, seafood buffet lines un-stood.

And now absolute havoc is being wreaked in the skies as not one but two Hawaiian Airlines flights were forced to land within hours of each other due poor passenger conduct.

On a flight from Honolulu to Hilo, Steven Sloan Jr. allegedly punched a flight attendant in the head. The plane circled once, landed back in Honolulu and Mr. Sloan Jr. was escorted from the plane by law enforcement. He appeared in court, yesterday, and remains in custody.

Then, hours later, on a flight from Honolulu to Seattle, two hours after take-off, a passenger ripped her mask off, refused to put it back on and the pilot decided to u-turn out of the World Surf League’s patented “abundance of caution.”

Jai Cunningham, Department of Transportation spokesman, told the Honolulu Star-Advertiser, “We have zero tolerance for disruptive and dangerous behavior in our cabins and have banned or denied boarding to 98 passengers so far this year.”

Imagine being on that flight, two hours in the air, 4-ish hours to go, and a “adult female” is refusing the mask.

How angry would you be?

Jiu-jitsu mad?

More as the story develops.

Surfing powerbrokers, from left, Jessi Miley-Dyer, Sophie G and Stephanie Gilmore. | Photo: WSL/Poullenot

Beloved former CEO of World Surf League Sophie Goldschmidt replaces Tiger Shaw as new President and CEO of US Ski & Snowboard!

Smashing the patriarchy one key role at a time… 

In a timely and positive win for gender diversity and the annihilation of the ghastly white man from positions of power, Sophie Goldschmidt has been announced as Tiger Shaw’s replacement at US Ski & Snowboard, America’s governing body of Olympic ski and snowboarding. 

Goldschmidt, a “global business executive”, worked at Adidas, the WTA, the NBA, Rugby Football Union and the PGA before her highly regarded role at the WSL (2017 to 2020). 

Upon her appointment, WSL money spigot, the billionaire Dirk Ziff, described Goldschmidt as “exactly what the league needs”, and said her “experience, strong leadership and winning and inclusive management style would further elevate the league and grow engagement among fans around the world.” 

Despite having “barely heard of” the sport, Goldschmidt would be remembered, wrote Longtom in his obit, “Most for her push to gender equality. Whether her hand was forced by the publication of a podium shot featuring male and female winners with different size cheques or had the intent all along is irrelevant. She made it happen.”

Goldschmidt was on the wrong side of history, howevs, with the raft of Surf Ranch events that were birthed on her watch. 

“We’re only scratching the surface of how this technology can be applied,” said Sophie, “and it is completely game-changing for the sport. If you can imagine in future, we’ll have world-class waves, ten-foot-plus waves, coming towards an audience with a stadium coming up out of the water, with amazing broadcast and camera angles, just an electric atmosphere, it can be floodlit at night – it’s just a beautiful thing and it’s so interactive.”

Lost Cloudbreak as a tour event, too.

Ironically, her replacement at the WSL was the whitest man alive, Erik “Elo” Logan.

Goldschmidt steps into her new role at U.S. Ski & Snowboard next month.

Felton and Slater, titans in their respective games. | Photo: @sensitiveseashellcollector

World’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater revealed as hero who saved Harry Potter star Tom Felton after star’s shock collapse on golf course, “Kelly is really humble and hasn’t posted about his selfless actions but Tom is grateful for his quick thinking”

"Tom was at the 18th when he collapsed. Everyone was stunned and taken aback but what cameras didn't see is that Kelly jumped straight into action."

A British newspaper has revealed eleven-time world surfing champion Kelly Slater to be the quick-thinking hero who saved Haz Potter star Tom Felton after the star collapsed during last week’s Ryder Cup in Haven, Wisconsin.

Slater, who is forty-nine, was playing on the US Team (the Ryder Cup is a golf event that runs every two years with teams from Europe and the US), when he saw Tom, thirty-four, hit the dirt. 

“Tom was at the 18th when he collapsed. Everyone was stunned and taken aback but what cameras didn’t see is that Kelly jumped straight into action,” a source told The Sun.

“He ran over to Tom and immediately put him in the recovery position well before medics were on the scene. He then stayed with him keeping him calm keeping him as safe as possible. Kelly is really humble and hasn’t posted about his selfless actions but Tom is grateful for his quick thinking.”

Felton, who plays Draco Malfoy, “a cowardly bully who tricks and hurts people to get what he wants” in JK Rowling’s wizard franchise, is out of hozzy doing ok etc.

“Bit of a scary episode really, but I’m on the mend and people have been taking really good care of me,” Felton told his fans, “so thank you very much to anyone who has sent messages to get well soon. I’m officially on the mend.”

City of Huntington Beach offers emotional support services to anyone who witnessed the fatal police shooting during U.S. Open of Surfing’s penultimate day.

Public service.

The city of Huntington Beach announced, late Sunday, that it is offering emotional support services to anyone who witnessed the fatal police shooting that occurred on the sand, just south of the pier, just as competition was wrapping at the U.S. Open of Surfing.

The victim, now identified as Ronnie Garcia, aged 43, was gunned down by multiple officers after he failed to comply with their orders. He was allegedly carrying a gun that was later recovered at the scene while hundreds, if not thousands, milled about.

Many, including surfers competing in the event, were deeply traumatized and looking for a way process the horror. Huntington Beach responded by providing Be Well OC’s Tony Delgado at (949) 749-2301. The city will also be hosting a community meeting in the coming days for those who want to express their concerns and ask questions about the incident.