Surf Ranch is for nose walkers.

Surf Ranch, nestled in the abjectly terrible California Central Valley, was to be Kelly Slater’s crowning achievement. The apex of fevered dreams. A reflection of his ego that would dominate surfing long after his body has been cryogenically frozen.

A perfect wave. A perfect wave gurgling up from beyond the plow then growing, racing, reeling into a barrel, opening back up, barreling again and ending with a high-performance air-reverse section.

The World Surf League, rabid, purchased this chimera instantly knowing that it would profoundly change the future of professional surfing. Believing it would push progression to the limit of human capacity.

Except a funny thing happened on the way to radical. Six-odd years since the Lemoore facility was first revealed, it has become clear that Slater did, in fact, create a perfect wave but a perfect wave for longboarding, an ideal canvas for nose walking etc.

Tell me it is not the gorgeous Stepford Wife to South Africa’s handsome Cape St. Francis.

To that end, the WSL will host the Cuervo Surf Ranch Classic at the world’s best longboard wave beginning today, airing live tomorrow.

I asked Devon Howard, professional longboarding’s commissioner, what made it so fine and he responded, “I think the way that wave works makes so much sense for the longboard. It favors a horizontal surfing as opposed to up and down, or top to bottom.”

Don’t agree? Think otherwise? We will be airing live tomorrow and can discuss in the comments.

More as the story develops.

Tourists gone wild.

The beautiful, magical, treasured Hawaiian islands have been hit and hit particularly hard during these long Covid years. Oh, I’m no epistemologist so cannot speak to the toll of the actual disease on the chain but, as a surf journalist, am more than qualified to weigh in on the social price and it has been high.

Initially, as travel restrictions waned, tourists came roaring over the Pacific and in such numbers that Governor Ige and woke locals, or “woke-als” combined forces to beg them to stop.

Stop they did and the hospitality industry reeled as hotel rooms went unfilled, seafood buffet lines un-stood.

And now absolute havoc is being wreaked in the skies as not one but two Hawaiian Airlines flights were forced to land within hours of each other due poor passenger conduct.

On a flight from Honolulu to Hilo, Steven Sloan Jr. allegedly punched a flight attendant in the head. The plane circled once, landed back in Honolulu and Mr. Sloan Jr. was escorted from the plane by law enforcement. He appeared in court, yesterday, and remains in custody.

Then, hours later, on a flight from Honolulu to Seattle, two hours after take-off, a passenger ripped her mask off, refused to put it back on and the pilot decided to u-turn out of the World Surf League’s patented “abundance of caution.”

Jai Cunningham, Department of Transportation spokesman, told the Honolulu Star-Advertiser, “We have zero tolerance for disruptive and dangerous behavior in our cabins and have banned or denied boarding to 98 passengers so far this year.”

Imagine being on that flight, two hours in the air, 4-ish hours to go, and a “adult female” is refusing the mask.

How angry would you be?

Jiu-jitsu mad?

More as the story develops.

Public service.

The city of Huntington Beach announced, late Sunday, that it is offering emotional support services to anyone who witnessed the fatal police shooting that occurred on the sand, just south of the pier, just as competition was wrapping at the U.S. Open of Surfing.

The victim, now identified as Ronnie Garcia, aged 43, was gunned down by multiple officers after he failed to comply with their orders. He was allegedly carrying a gun that was later recovered at the scene while hundreds, if not thousands, milled about.

Many, including surfers competing in the event, were deeply traumatized and looking for a way process the horror. Huntington Beach responded by providing Be Well OC’s Tony Delgado at (949) 749-2301. The city will also be hosting a community meeting in the coming days for those who want to express their concerns and ask questions about the incident.