Surf feminist hero clashes with big-wave legend in explosive online exchange following meme of white man being hanged, “That photo and comment is offensive to me. F*%k you and your condescending attitude. I’m a long time supporter of women’s surfing you fool.”

Two surfers with the same position on Tex abortion law duke it out on the DMs!

Five months ago at a surfing contest at Sydney’s Curl Curl beach, the winner of the women’s div, a hitherto unknown Australian longboarder, Lucy Small, gave event organizers and sponsors hell from the stage for paying the women half as much as the men.

“Thank you so much to the sponsors for all the money for the event, but I would say it’s a bittersweet victory knowing that our surfing is worth less than half as much as the men’s prize money,” she said. 

The effect was seismic, media jumped on it, event organisers promised to bring the cash up for the following year, GSI boards paid Small the difference and Surfing Australia vowed to make surfing “the most inclusive sport in Australia.” 

If you know surfing, you’ll know the name Ian Cairns, a man with the physique of a comic-book hero (nicknamed Kanga) who ruled big waves, who was pivotal in the creation of a world tour, who would launch the ASP after tearing the game off the IPS’s Fred Hemmings and whose thin-eyed stare could give a man stomach cramps.

Two days ago, Small posted a screenshot from the Coen Bros film The Ballad of Buster Scruggs of James Franco being hanged with the tag, “Men: I don’t like that the government is making rules about my health and what I can do with my body because of COVID. Women:     

It was Small’s shot at the loss of abortion rights in Texas, a new law there that effectively bans abortions after six weeks of pregnancy.

If you’re into memes you’ll know the frame grab is widely used “to emphasize an uncommon or ridiculous occurrence in normal society that has become a regular occurance in a community.”

Kanga, who for the record also opposes the new Texas abortion law, jumped into Small’s DMs to respond, 

“This is pretty sexist and offensive to a group of people you have to live with.”

“It’s a reference to the Texas abortion law. It’s not sexist. Wishing you growth,” wrote Small. 

Kanga replied, 

“That photo and comment is offensive to me. Fuck you and your condescending attitude. You don’t know me. I’m a long time supporter of women’s surfing you fool. You need goodwill from people like me who care.” 

I asked Small if she tagged Kanga or if he took it personally.

“No didn’t tag him, he just took it personally. Yeah, I don’t know what compels a 69 year old dude to be so offended by the insinuation that they’ve never been forced to have a baby by the government before that they will actively send a fuck you to a 28 year old woman.”

I asked Kanga why sad.

Did he have beef with Small? 

“No beef. I didn’t like a picture of a white guy about to be hung: representing the travesty of the Texas abortion law. I said ’It offends me’ thinking that they’re of the left and forgiving, but she stepped up! ‘Get enlightened’ gibberish. And I’m thinking that ‘if you want equal prizemoney for women’ you shouldn’t offend people who are willing to help. Goodbye. The End.”

I told Small of Kanga’s response. 

“Wow. Tell me about the last time the government forced you to give birth Ian.”

Like I said, Kanga is ain’t down with the Tex law. 

“My body, my choice,” he says. “Goes for COVID just the same.”

Uh oh. 

Kanga, of course, ain’t afraid of holding an unpopular opinion.

“Everyone in some sense is concerned about what people think of them,” he told me a while back. “But I wake up in the morning and I think, what am I going to today?” says Cairns. “How can I do all these things that are crazy and cool and how can it benefit my family, my friends and all of this? The moment you start to think about these things you move forward and all those criticisms, which are about what you did yesterday, don’t matter. If you’re thinking about the future, you’re already one step ahead of the critics. Do I want to be disliked? No! Do I want to be focussed on coming up with some awesome idea tomorrow?  That’s what I want to do.”


Breaking: Cancel tomorrow’s plans, send children and significant others packing, as World Surf League issues “Yellow Alert” for inaugural Final’s Day!

A touch of thrill in the air!

Hours ago, the World Surf League issued a “yellow alert” for its inaugural final’s day there in the shadow of a decommissioned nuclear power plant.

“Yellow” apparently meaning a “probable start within 24 hours.”

Commissioner Jessi Miley-Cyrus delivered the news whilst standing on Lower Trestles’ famous cobbled stone.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CTuY9-JNJtH/

As you can see she is wearing a nice hat not entirely dissimilar to the one worn by Curious George’s deuteragonist.

Did you know “The Man in the Yellow Hat’s” real name is Ted Shackleford?

I didn’t but it stands to reason. Very “explore-ish.”

In any case, why the World Surf League has turned to color coding is not entirely clear and I can’t imagine that answers will be forthcoming.

Filipe Toledo has still not be seen after last week’s “huge scuffle.”

Do you think he will muster the courage to paddle out for his heat or do you think he will be too worried that the hot, young sponsored junior is hiding in the bushes off the bike path ready to pounce?

Exciting, in any case.


California legislature vote unanimously to return Manhattan Beach property stolen from black family in 1924!

Justice delayed.

The California legislature voted its final approval, Thursday night, on a bill that would return a chunk of Manhattan Beach stolen from a black family in 1924 back to descendants of the original owners.

Bruce’s Beach, as it came to be called, was purchased by Willa and Charles Bruce in 1912. The couple built a resort for black families on the land during the Jim Crow era. Racist neighbors, fearing the resort would drive down land prices, used dirty tricks to first condemn the property then seized it using eminent domain. Manhattan Beach then passed a law forbidding the Bruce’s from moving their resort anywhere within its borders.

The structures were razed and, years later, the property eventually became a park.

The bill now only needs a signature from embattled governor Gavin Newsom, who was once my mortal enemy, and then back it goes.

Duane Shepard, a Bruce descendant and family historian, told the Southern California News Group, “I’m elated, walking on water right now. This is one of the greatest things in American history right now.”

A happy story and it must be wondered if increasingly frustrated Kauaians aren’t peeking over Mark Zuckerberg’s Garden Isle fence thinking about getting those 1300 acres returned too.

Cracks etc.


In apparent swipe at world’s fifth-richest man Mark Zuckerberg, Hawaiian surf legend and noted enforcer issues ominous warning to tourist foilboarders “exploiting Kauai and her beauty”; says Nā Pali Coast foil shots “drive up home prices here… it drives us out”!

"Exploiting Hawaii is really going to bite us in the ass."

The Hawaiian surf legend and noted enforcer Kamalei Alexander, born, raised Kauai, has taken to Instagram to issue an ominous warning to foilboarders using the wildly rugged Nā Pali coast as the backdrop to photos.

“Just want to get something of my chest,” says Alexander, younger brother of Kala, and a peer of Andy and Bruce Irons, shredder from two-to-twenty feet. “Yes, I’m totally guilty of exploiting Kauai. I’ve used her beauty and her majesty for my benefit many of years. 

“However, I feel that it was necessary for me to survive. Nowadays, people are coming, people from here, people from all over, they come here to exploit Kauai and her beauty and what really really sucks about it is, for example, guys going down the Nā Pali coast, foiling, to get that ultimate shot of them foiling down the coast. That drives up home prices here.

(Pause)

“You know what that does. 

“It drives us out…”

“So,

“Note to everyone, you might just get a local (post cuts out…)”

https://www.instagram.com/p/CTsFMTEJ4Ok/

Mark Zuckerberg, who owns 1300 acres on the island, and guy-pal Kai Lenny have made the sixteen-mile stretch on Kauai’s north-west coast a regular setting for their foil outings.

Read, “World’s fifth-richest man Mark Zuckerberg caught enjoying e-foil life with mystery woman off his 1300 acre Kauai plot; accused of ‘colonising’ the island!” and “In extremely controversial move, Facebook founder and billionaire Mark Zuckerberg emerges from quarantine donning ‘white-face’ on an electric foil!” and “Watch: Facebook founder, CEO, fifth-richest person in the world Mark Zuckerberg posts humblebrag video e-foiling in Hawaii, shouts out bestie Kai Lenny!”

Meanwhile, over at John John Florence’s IG, a new short of the two-time world champ foiling circles along the Nā Pali coast, cut to the Pink Floyd song Breathe, from seminal 1973 album Dark Side of the Moon.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CTnyFRnpXRH/

 


Heir to Miki Dora’s Malibu throne Jonah Hill pulls ultimate power move; woos and wins heart of surf instructor!

Hot for teacher.

Jonah Hill, Hollywood funnyman and heir to Miki Dora’s Malibu throne, has just pulled the ultimate power move wooing and winning the heart of his surf instructor.

The Wolf of Wall Street star went Instagram official, hours ago, with Sarah Brady sweetly captioning the post “Grateful for you.”

https://www.instagram.com/p/CTm0wGKFPZa/

Brady, whose website declares that she is currently an undergraduate at UC San Diego studying the Anthropology of Climate Change, hails from a line of surfers three generations deep and learned, herself, to slide at three-years-old. She has a smooth longboardy style, as evidenced on her own Instagram, and if I was Commish of the Longboard World Tour, like Devon Howard, I would proffer her a slot post haste.

And, actually, I couldn’t find any reference to her being a “surf instructor.” Yahoo! reported that bit but let’s assume it is true and let us all doff our jaunty beanies Hill’s way because if Van Halen taught us anything at all, it is that wooing and winning teacher is boss.