But silver lining?

Two weeks ago, the Honolulu Star-Advertiser published a damning report fingering surf great Kelly Slater along with other oceanfront homeowners there on Oahu’s North Shore who have installed illegal devices on the sand in order to protect their investments from an increasingly violent sea.

The makeshift seawalls and sand bag thingers, called burritos, were temporarily allowed for some homeowners in 2018 with the promise that they would be removed. Robust beach erosion followed, as “hardening” the shoreline causes beaches to disappear, sand getting sucked away etc.

Oahu, per the report, has already lost 25% of its beaches and scientists declare that number is on its way to 40% with the hardening but the Hawaiian government has remained quiet… until now.

The Department of Land and Natural Resources, reacting to frustration from the island’s non-rich residents, has admitted that the structures have “led to obvious degradation of the public beach resource” and shall henceforth send letters to the homeowners detailing their “alleged noncompliance.”

Zing.

According to ProPublica:

Under state law, officials can fine property owners $15,000 a day for unauthorized structures that remain on the beach, though they have yet to take that step against homeowners with expired permits. Nevertheless, the uptick in oversight represents a stark shift in approach for Hawaii’s coastal officials.

As the Star-Advertiser and ProPublica reported last year, temporary sandbags and burrito systems are rarely removed from public beaches when their permissions are set to expire, in large part because state officials have repeatedly granted homeowners extensions or don’t enforce their own deadlines. In addition, the state has often granted after-the-fact approval for structures that were built illegally.

In at least one case where coastal officials rejected an illegal barrier, they did not force its removal. In 2018, Kelly Slater, an 11-time world surfing champion who lives on Ehukai Beach by the world-famous Banzai Pipeline surf break, illegally installed a barrier made out of thick fabric. He was fined just $2,000. DLNR told the Star-Advertiser and ProPublica this month that “unauthorized land uses continue to exist” in front of Slater’s property and the department is “attempting to get the landowner to comply.” Slater, who did not respond to a request for comment, previously told the news organizations that without the sandbags people “would have lost properties outright.”

Asked why authorities hadn’t yet forced North Shore homeowners to remove the burritos with expired permits, OCCL said that many of the homes remain imminently threatened and that property owners have a right to due process. Officials have also said that they’re concerned about potential public safety hazards created by homes that could fall into the ocean.

Wait.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Slater’s collapsed, ocean-drowned home becoming a new reef that rivals the Banzai Pipeline?

That’s so Kelly!

Inventor of professional surfing Randy Rarick is also interviewed in the report and tells homeowners to kick rocks.

Body shamers are the worst.

In a reach around that even has the most adroit applied linguists flummoxed, it appears that the mainstream media has drawn the singular conclusion that Jonah Hill is being body shamed by a subset of surfers who declare he “ruined” the pastime of kings.

The controversy ignited, yesterday, when the 21 Jump Street alum spotted a sticker reading “Jonah Hill ruined surfing” somewhere, snapped a photo of it, uploaded it onto his Instagram Stories and shared with his 3.2 million ageist, misogynistic followers.

Oh but he was not undone by the hurtful sentiment, bravely stating, “I will never stop doing things that make me happy no matter how insecure my happiness makes you.”

His girlfriend, and surf instructor, chimed in, “If you feel the need to rain on someone else’s parade, ask yourself why and consider getting yourself a life.”

“Get a life.”

Classic.

In any case, Jonah Hill hasn’t, of course, “ruined” surfing though he is the face of a new wave of sliders culturally appropriating something that has belonged to others who culturally appropriated it, like, forever ago.

An Inertia.

The body shaming angle, however, is odd.

The Independent writing:

Jonah Hill and girlfriend Sarah Brady have responded to a sign that read the actor “ruined surfing” with messages of body positivity.

The sign was an insensitive reference to paparazzi photographs of the 21 Jump Street actor surfing in a black wetsuit in February.

At the time, Hill said his childhood insecurities were “exacerbated by years of public mockery” about his body by the media, but that photographs like that no longer “phase” the Oscar nominee.

Metro adding:

Jonah Hill is not here for people trolling his love of surfing.

The 21 Jump Street actor, 37, recently pleaded with fans to stop making comments on his weight after pictures surfaced of him enjoying time in the water.

Sharon Stone appeared to ignore his message, and was promptly blasted by followers for not listening.

According to Entertainment Tonight Canada, he has since taken to his Instagram story to share sticker which trolled his passion for water sports, reading: ‘Jonah Hill ruined surfing’.

Many more all in the same vein.

But do you see a body shaming angle here?

Hear a body shaming dog whistle?

Asshole.

Ultra Sensitive Surf Candy.

Hollywood funnyman and heir to Miki Dora’s Malibu throne Jonah Hill was made sad, over the weekend, when he stumbled upon a sticker reading “Jonah Hill ruined surfing.” The Wolf of Wall Street star, who recently and bravely allowed his followers to savagely bully a 63-year-old woman for complimenting him, has not been shy about his love for the watery game, shifting his whole latitude to reflect a surf vibe.

While the mean sentiment would have shattered a lesser man, it did not undo Hill who took to social media declaring, “I will never stop doing things that make me happy no matter how insecure my happiness makes you.”

His girlfriend, surf instructor Sarah Brady, also stepped up in his defense telling haters, “If you feel the need to rain on someone else’s parade, ask yourself why an consider getting yourself a life.”

Mainstream media was curious as to why surfers felt Hill ruined surfing. Entertainment Weekly posited it was a form of body-shaming while Jezebel imagined it was due surfers’ “clannishness” and that paparazzi at the beach, there to catch the Superbad lead, was making frustration.

As a surf journalist thrice published, I should know the true reasoning but don’t have much time to think about why surfers would think Jonah Hill ruined surfing as I am currently attempting to enjoy the journey of learning to be funny.

Time consuming.

Ultra Sensitive Surf Candy.

GOAT

The amount of blood spilt over debating which surf brand has collected the greatest team in history is immeasurable. Proponents of Hurley’s 2013 “The Game has Changed” crew feat. Laura Enever, Carissa Moore, Julian Wilson, John John Florence, Conner Coffin waging pitched street battles against proponents of Channel Islands’ 1998 “We are all Black Beauty” feat. Tom Curren, Kelly Slater, Lisa Andersen, Rob Machado so barbaric as to scare a whole generation of mothers into letting their babies grow up to be surfers.

But, and finally, it has all been settled with the 1982 Body Glove pro team emerging undisputed.

To wit:

Peter Townend.

Ian Cairns.

Joey Buran.

Mike Benavidez.

Scott Daley.

Allen Sarlo.

Matt Warshaw.

Rocky Sabo.

GOAT.

Disagree?

Want more blood?

I defy you to beat.