Truth be spoken.
Ok punters, another year of the Dadaist surfing escapade known as BeachGrit.
Consistent with all the other forms of nostalgia for 2021 trying to justify meaning in time’s inevitable passing, here’s a list of awards for us resident lowlifes, compiled in no particular order.
*Note: the award for BeachGrit categories for 2021 are called “Grittys.” What’s a Gritty? A Gritty is that old ball of surf wax that’s been rolling around the floor of your car all season. It’s been melted by the sun and hardened back up a few times and in its peripatetic rolling has accumulated the detritus of the gleanings of men stuck in lives of despair borne of the confines of selling our labor to neoliberal capital, as sprinkled on vehicular floorboards the world over: bitten-off fingernails; ash from cigarettes and joints, both; salt from fast food packets that have busted open; hair from balding head; to-do lists from wives crumpled up and thrown in the backseat.
Now, to the show.
Gritty category 1: The commenter most likely to be taken home to parents (or your kids, depending):
1. Jen See. This is self-explanatory. The rest of you I’d not want anywhere near my parents, or anyone of age of consent up to age 24. Jen, whatever Chas and DR are paying you, it’s not enough. Or maybe it’s too much when it comes to Surfline Man.
Easiest category to fill and to award.
Gritty category 2: Most likely to give Chas and DR a rub with Hurley massage oil as teacher’s pets.
1. Negatron, will never jump off this cash cow. Ever.
2. DHMF, I have on good confidence he’s already applied massage oil whilst looking at DR’s smiling grill, so would probably do the same to DR directly.
3. Tomas’ silky smooth arms, nothing here about the commenter themselves, but with an avatar name like that, Chas and DR would be panting like puppies.
The winner is: tie between Negatron and DHMF. We’ll flip a coin to see who gets to lube whom.
Gritty category 3: Commenter most likely to live out their persona in real life:
1. Thevoiceofnoreason, when the gorilla speaks, you listen.
Gritty category 4: Commenter most likely to pull out 1 of 10 possible firearms and shoot a liberal (i.e. triggered trigger fingers):
1. OttoBeenThere, jotto is the glory child of Fox news, Alex Jones, and Steve Bannon rolled into one, and lets us know this every time he logs in. He probably even has the same orange skin toner stashed at his Montana hunting lodge that Trump uses.
2. Lemoore GOAT rodeo, although to be fair, mellowing since he’s moved to Town. Must be all that diversity.
3. ValiantScorn, hasn’t seen a non-white person he hasn’t fantasized about colonizing yet.
4. JohnsKnees, just to keep fucking with the other three nominees.
5. Honorable mention: Hot Stuff/Bexy; J H
The winner is: I’m not going to say, as any of them would put the effort into finding out who I am in real life and would track me down and kill me.
Gritty category 5: Commenter/writer Stab will try to pilfer next:
1. Karl VF, and not just for his photoshop/artistic creations.
2. Surf Ads, Stab could use more humor. Surf Ads provides in spades.
3. JP Currie, actually, JP is too jaded and malcontent for even Stab, so cancel this.
4. Ben Marcus, this would be a slap to Chas from Ashton’s other hand, and this time could be done legally.
5. Negatron, everyone needs a plumber.
6. Longtom, wait a second. Swellnet already did this.
The winner is: Surf Ads.
Gritty category 6: Commenter/writer we’d love to see Stab pilfer:
1. Ben Marcus.
The winner is: the rest of us.
Gritty category 7: Best us of photoshop/pictures/video to pile on a thread:
1. Waterproof Polo
2. Pauly Matt War-Shore
4. Karl VF
5. Honorable mention: anything with a penis, or penis fish.
The winner is: dealer’s choice.
Gritty category 8: Best surf stories/sharing of surf knowledge:
3. James Bickerton
5. Lemoore GOAT Rodeo
6. Huli Opu
7. Honorable mention: anyone else willing to share the stoke.
The winner is: all of us, for learning more about surfing.
Gritty category 9: Best one-liners from threads:
1. Way Outthere
2. Billy Hunt
6. Ricky Spanish
10. Occ Topus
11. Dane’s sushi&sauza
13. Stick man
14. Waterproof Polo
15. Pauly Matt War-Shore
16. Beef & Bear
18. Hot Stuff/Bexy
19. Charlie Smith
20. The Bitchy Crab
21. Honorable mention: too many to mention.
The winner is: all of us—it’s why we are here. Keep it up, fuckers.
Lamest trend of 2021:
1. Downvoting comments. Nothing screams kook (kuk) like giving a downvote. Only spongers, VALS, SUPers, and foil boarders downvote. Don’t fucking do it.
2. Commenting endlessly about Covid.
The winner is: neither, as we all lose when both happen.
Commenters we’d like to see more of in 2022:
1. Phat Wanker
2. Michael Newman
4. Wiggolly’s Paddling Style
Commenters we’d like to see less of in 2022:
1. See anyone listed above.
Stories we’d like to see less of in 2022:
1. Anything from Chas dealing with sharks, Whoop, Jonah Hill, and 90% of the other tripe Chas pecks out. Basically, Chas, find your “A” game for 2022. Or at least your C game.
Lastly, a fond goodbye to Offrocker. May your waves be hollow, wherever you now are.
Thanks for the laughs, comrade.