Exciting days.
Surf teams used to mean so very much. In my youthful mind’s eye, those professional surfers who shared a sticker were the very best of friends, hanging out after surfs, drinking hot cocoa, calling each other late at night to gossip about who likes who etc.
The surf industry apocalypse, and Hurley turning into a men’s grooming product company, have damaged that ideal of the team but that all might be changing with America’s sweetheart set to join South Africa’s Jordy Smith and Australia’s Soli Bailey under the O’Neill banner.
On the surface, it is a wonderful fit with O’Neill as a very American company, though with pure Santa Cruz roots. Andino, of course, is the breathing face of San Clemente but might he consider a move north? Westside or Eastside?
Hmmmm.
I think, with things the way they are, that surf teams should force all their surfers to live together in a compound year ’round, much like they do on the North Shore, except film them non-stop, much like they did in The Ultimate Surfer.
A sort of renaissance.
Good catch. I thought he was rip curl and maybe later he was.
He could use this genetic material to Make Americans Grate Again ?
To stop the grating use Ke11Y Je11Y
the lubricant America Reaches Around For when 11 times is never enough ….
There are definitely shades of
THE GREATEST ROCK N ROLL SWINDLE ……with Nike playing the role of EMI .
“…..Unlimited supply
…..Hallo EMI
Goodbye A&M!
Kolohe settles down on the living room couch, careful not to spill the bowl of Wheaties he’s carried over from the kitchen, and starts to paw around the cushions, aimlessly looking for the remote. Fuddling around, he sees Soli standing in the corner, shirtless, his tanned chest, still a bit prickly from shaving it a week ago, glistening with sweat from him one-armed shadow boxing (using his other to “read” a copy of Meditations, displayed prominently to those who could walk in and hopefully ask about it).
“Hey, do you know where the remote is?” asks Kolohe, gruffly, having had to place his bowl on the side table due the intensity of the search.
Soli takes out one Airpod, “Sorry, mate, no, I don’t… I reckon it’s abouts on the lounge, yeeeah…” he says, pointing at the couch.
“I’ve been looking,” grunts Kolohe, getting increasingly agitated. Picking up one of the throw pillows, he suddenly feels a plastic clump under its cover, which he unzips to find what he has been looking for. “Oh, I found it! Haha, what the fuck?”
“Where was it?” enquires Soli, who makes his way over, placing his book, which he hasn’t read a single page of in the last 15 minutes, down, getting caught up in the ever so slight commotion.
“I found it in the pillow! Someone put it in here!” belts Kolohe, holding up for viewing the unzipped pillow.
“Fuuuuuuuuucked. What kinda shitcunt?” asks Soli rhetorically.
Kolohe shrugs his shoulders and grabs his bowl.
“Goddamnit, this shit is too soggy now… it’s not gonna work, now…” grumbles Kolohe.
“Don’t like soggy cereal, ay… yeah, that’s noor good. Need ‘em to be crispies…”
Kolohe goes to the kitchen to dump out his bowl and comes back with a fresh one.
“You tossed that bowl?” quizzes Soli. “I know soggy shit is not gooord, but thatsa kinda was…”
“It won’t work if they’re soggy…” starts Kolohe.
“Won’t work?” replies Soli, clearly confused.
“Soggy Wheaties don’t work. They lose all their power if they’re soggy. Can’t be a champion with soggy cereal…” grouses Kolohe.
“You don’t really believe the ‘brekky of champions’ bullshit, door you?”
“They wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true…” snivels Kolohe, an indication to Soli that he should probably just let it go.
Kolohe begins to futz with the remote, turning on the TV and bringing up some streaming platform, through several longish moments of silence.
“Ay. What are you going to be doing t’day? I thought you’d be training and olll…”
“I’m going to watch some television first. Then I gotta go meet Matt about some boards, go workout, head over to the VitaminShoppe, maybe some brand stuff, and then I gotta go pick up some Vigorelle for the wife…”
“Oh, OK, you mind if I join you?”
“Like all day or just now to watch?” asks Kolohe in his characteristic monotone, pointing at the TV.
“Whatevah..”
“All day: no. World Title threat,” he says pointing to himself. “You understand?”
“Yeeah, I guess soor…” Soli trails off, as he starts thinking Kolohe mustn’t be serious, as he hasn’t even won a ‘CT yet.
A few moments of awkward silence elapse.
“Wait, you’re serious?”
“Dead.”
Soli starts to get up.
“You can watch television with me, though.”
Soli sits back down, “Olroight. Whatta we going to watch then?”
“I was gonna put on Rick and Morty.”
“Siiick, Rick… love that fucken cunt. Where we gonna start?”
“From the beginning.”
“Fuckwaffleshitcunt, yeah.”
Kolohe starts to play the show.
A few minutes later, in walks Jordan carrying a shit ton of plastic grocery bag.
“Bruhs,” sighs Jordan in that booming deep voice of his.
He walks into the kitchen and places all the bags on the counter.
“What’re you two barbaras up to?… Oi, nice… ‘Pickle Riiiiiick!’… fuck off that. You all prolly think you’re smart as shit watchin’ that, nah?”
“Come on, mate, we just enjoy the shits,” replies Soli, a little stung by Jordan’s correct assessment.
“I think it’s funny,” deadpans Kolohe.
“That’s weird. I’ve never seen you laugh in my entire lyyyyfe. Anyway, cheers, K-Hole… hey anyone want some food. I gotsem Frikkadels.”
K-Hole and Soli just look at each other.
“Guess not. Hey Solamon, check these things that Lyndall got for the babe…”
Jordan scurries to the bedroom he’s staying to grab a set of baby shoes, which he shows off.
“Jordan 6 Black Infrared,” says Jordan.
“Oh, is that good?” asks Solamon.
“They are. A bit overplayed, but come on, bruh, you know they looks sick.”
“What are you doing t’day?”
“Oh, Lyndall is coming over…”
“Wait, she came with you?” asks K-Hole.
“Yeah, of course… just because we all *pointing to everybody* are supposed to be living together for a while doesn’t mean I can’t have my honey over. I don’t want to have to go over to the hotel every night to press.”
K-Hole and Solamon let that go without saying anything.
“Need to use the anaconda,” says Jordan as he’s doing the Suck It motion.
A few brief seconds of quiet…
“Hey, Jordy, you’know, Kolohe found the remote in the pillow. Did you do that?” asks Solamon.
“Yeah, of course, bruh. I put all important small important things in my pillowcases. Growing up in South Africa…”
At that moment, in walks Cory Lopez wearing jeans and flip flops, an old singlet, zip up sweater with horizontal stripes, and oversized O’Neill sunglasses.
“Noice sunnies,” starts Solamon.
“Stop,” Cory cuts him off. “Let’s get outside and take some photos. Gotta flog some product.”
The boys walk outside into the hazily sunny morning air.
“Hey, uh Cory, mate… why are you wearing the singlet?” asks Solamon.
Jordan and K-Hole slowly backtrack and make their way back into the house.
“This was AI’s from the Mexico contest,” says Cory sternly. “He was my best friend… hey, where the fuck did those two go?”
“Back in the house, mate…”
“Goddamn it.”
Into the house storms Mr. Lopez to wrangle the other two to finish their makeshift photoshoot….
Excellent.
Bicko is going to be pretty stoked now that Conner O’Leary is on the Hurley team.
I did try to Lance a rumor here ,( trying to cheer up Astro on New Years Eve , who seemed a little down in the dumps ) before it was announced , the next day ,after an old mate gave a digital wink which is as good as a nod to a blind man .
Connor was ripping out at huge Kirra during Cyclone Seth during the last few days , and just to show we are not overly biased , my mate , EBC life Member , with 7 national titles and a runner up in world Masters in Porto Rico , who spent hours watching the SHOW , then hours surfing , (with a little help from Port Mac Pie man jet ski assist ) Informed me and my frozen Baltic Butt that …..
The Big Day was won by
1st Owen Wright
2nd St Mick
3rd Parko
4th a good Brazilian named Tom
5th Connor …
That looked like a good swell. The clip of Noosa looked pretty sick. Didn’t think it barreled there.
I love me a good marquee signing. Is the surf industry about to rise from the ashes?
Damn just bought two new ONeill wetties yesterday, bitterly disappointed I didn’t wait and get the Kolohe all white range.
I was always lead to believe that All Black never goes out of fashion in the land of the long white cloud ……
Sharky crowded localized stormy cold Santa Cruz. O’Neill clothing is in Irvine. O’Neill wetsuits is Santa Cruz. Did he sign both?
Is Kolohe the ADS of today’s world tour? Keep working hard champ, there’s a world title in the line for you! 2024, maybe 2025?
No never, how dare you compare ADS to the fucking softie of all softies on tour.
ADS won a world title surfing at seventy percent and kolohole goes full emotional meltdown every heat and can’t win a contest.
He then complains that the judges ripped him off like at the Olympics and when he lost the final D bah
Maybe he worked with a sports psychologist and is ready for battle. Let’s be honest, no one thought ADS was world title material, some people didn’t even think he was tour material, the midget. He fixed many of his flaws and got there. Key word is perseverence.
I guess Kalohe dosnt have any perseverance then because he still surfs like he’s in the NSSA and has been on the tour for ten years without winning a single contest.
It took 4 years for ADS to win his first event. And it was that “mundaka” event on 2 feet slope sopelana. Then 10 years to clinch the world title. I don’t think Kaloe has it either, I was just streatching.
When ADS won the Narrabeen Pro Junior against the World’s Best Juniors at 15 he was destined for greatness ….
When Kolohe won 1000 Nssa titles and a few QSs he was destined to become the next Brett Simpson …. Coach Kolohe has a nice ring to it ?
Back when “tail high” reverses were next level surfing. Kolohe, jaddy and Evan geiselnam among others made careers out of doing them.
I don’t think O’Neill has ever had a world champ (while sponsored by them). Look good luck to the guy but I think he’s the next Julian.
That would be a huge improvement already. Pipe master, multiple CT wins, etc.
With this new format, if Kolehe works on his flaws, he could get there. Finish top 5 then go on for a final battle on right handers…
not impossible
Pottz in ’89 with Gotcha/O’Neill combo.
Nah he’d left O’Neill by 89. I actually think the wetsuits he wore at Santa Cruz in 89 (first event of the year) were made by Victory for Gotcha with no logos. If you look at photos from Bells 89 his wetsuits have gotcha on them .
https://www.pinterest.jp/am…
When do they sign Julian?
Home Boy goes home ….? Julian was sponsored by O’Neill as a tiny teenager before he went to Quik , having asked O’Neill’s Bob Bain ( current World Master O/ 55 ) for more than Bob was willing to give .
I just saw a photo of Julian coming off the bottom at Cyclone Seth Boiling Pot surrounded by half of the known universe self isolating together in conditions described by (former Bronte star) Stu Campbell ,Noosa local shaper since the 80s as the best ever .
Father of Ryan?
Yes. ……… I just got an 80s flashback …The old man Stu copped a board in the head at South Coast Pipe and it got badly infected , around the same time that Derek Hynd lost his eye in Durban …. They both were sponsored by Hot Buttered at the time and they appeared in a Tracks article all bandaged up under the title
The Hot Battered Crew ….. Stu went on to form Water Pistols at Noosa not long after
Stoked to have been on this journey with you JB!
Load the whole Wozzle into an old Russian factory trawler and make them only surf uninhabited farflung destinations like the Aleutian Is, Kuril Is Northern Namibia and Patagonia. Don’t let them off. Film it all.
Kuergelen Island has some nice setups.
Heard island has an eic lineup but always windy as hell. And huge. I didn’t go to Kerguelen.
Never, ever, a surf team, and his surfers, looks so sharp to near win a word title and crown a champ…
Uh… so, so close….
“Let’s try 2023!!! We gonna came strong to near win as always!!!”
Jordy currently 7th. Khloe is 37th. No other O’neill riders in sight.
But… but… J or D and Chloe are always praised as world title contenders!!!!
We cannot break this chant!!! This must keep going!
NOOOO!! No can handle!!
Get back to me when O’Neill reissue The Animal. What a suit!
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
The photoshoot that ended shane herring’s career!
??
Pauly might show the rest of that ad, it’s a line-up of the oneill team wearing that suit. Very unflattering photo of Herring and he was regularly lampooned in tracks and asl.
I can Dee Why !
Nah. Shane wasn’t in that ad. I do remember him getting ribbed for one though, where his head was all elongated and weird. @@surfads could probs dig it up. I’m sure that wasn’t the reason he drifted off into obscurity though.
Yeah I googled the full ad and he wasn’t in it, but there was one with him and this weird neck thing happening. Surprised they put it in print.
Ending his career was a joke on my part, it was only an ad. But the press did give him shit for it!
What an era!
O’Neill = 3rd place.
So a nice fit all round.
No doubt, soo dumb. Terrible idea. Sign another “world title contender” who will NEVER win a world title…like Jordy. That Rasta Rob cat smokes Andino and was a good re-sign by O’neill IMHO. Khloe could easily fund himself for a year or 2 on tour and it would in turn make him hungrier to do well. He still has Red Bull and several other stickers…Gravy-train too long. Needs reality check not new sponsor. His ankle breaker rotations and shit rail game are just that to the real top 5, 10, 16. Wayyy better surfers on tour and abroad.
Whenever he gets behind in a heat he goes back to his twelve year old NSSA days and tries shitty landing backwards air reveres over and over again.
His surfing is outdated.
I am sure he is a nice bloke and there is no denying he has done some unbelievable tube to air combos but his surfing on the face has let him down ……..
You’re 100% right that he would benefit from that but this was the smartest move he could make. He needs to grab cash while he can.
Yepp. It’s O’neill’s fault for signing him. Money down the drain. Khloe’s definitely not complaining as he’s already loaded and now he gets more. Bad move O’neill.
Maybe they should stick to sponsoring QS Surfers we’ve never heard of??
Idk… Keep Jordy for the ‘CT. The rest just explosive free surfers. Maybe drop a few guys if anything.
Explosive free Surfers… I’m bored of those guys fucking around in bands, smoking ciggies. I’ve just shelved the mid-lenght and Mal, surfing daily again for the first time in years, brought two new shortboards boards and in a total 80’s pro, rip, shit and bust three to the beach animal mode. Hence my wholehearted support of this move by O’neill.
lol that sounds more like the Drag crew versus the O’neill team…couple of them guys shred pretty hard. Good surfing is good surfing regardless of the era, style, board, whatever. Stoked to hear you’re getting back out there. Surfing cures things.
I had a dream that one day a man would be judged by the length of his …….Let’s try again , I had a dream that one day , after his journey into hell , that NEGATRON would be influenced by the Raglan Surf Report
https://youtu.be/3-ZsBcutLNY
Well they recently signed Kalani Ball , who rips , almost qualified after a good showing carving up Haliewa , and we will have nothing bad said about him because his dad is a nice bloke originally from Cronulla .