Expert in the field of male public slappings weighs in on recent Will Smith vs. Chris Rock imbroglio: “It is ultra-confusing to be slapped by a grown man in front of others with basically all responses being mostly wrong!”

At the outset, let me clarify that my response to being slapped across the lower ear by then Stab editor-in-Chief Ashton Goggans at Surf Expo in Orlando, Florida was all wrong. I didn’t even know what had happened, at first, just knew that my vintage Ray-Ban sunglasses were no longer providing cool relief to the harsh fluorescent lighting overhead.

But something clearly had happened. I had stroked Goggans decidedly soft beard then lost my sunglasses. A slap. I had been slapped, deservedly but it should have been a punch, and the information was slow to process so I simply began dancing with him.

Wrong move and as an expert in the field of male public slappings, I feel uniquely qualified to weigh in on the Will Smith vs. Chris Rock imbroglio that is still gripping polite conversation.

Now, if Smith would have taken the stage and punched Rock in the mouth things would have been very different. A punch can only be responded to with a punch. But a slap? Dicey. Rock would have been very much in his right to sock Smith in the mouth but Smith had already turned around and returned to his seat. Rock would have had to chase him down and force a confrontation he wasn’t looking for in the first place. That would have been weird. He could have chased Smith down and slapped him back but that would have been weirder. He could have egged him on from stage, causing Smith to return to finish his business but that would have been awkward to the max.

See?

No good options and always the messy threat of law intervention. The only way it could have worked is if Smith would and punched Rock or slapped him later out of camera view then leaked to the tabloids that he had taken care of business. Or do you consider yourself more an expert in being publicly slapped by a male than me?

Is there another way that I’m too cockeyed to see?

David Lee Scales and I discuss in length alongside Zoltan Torkos‘ return to fame and bodyboarders being the most progressive of our brethren which actually turned out to be an April Fool’s joke.

Enjoy here.