With Gabe out of the picture and Toledo susceptible
to meltdown, one hopes Italo can maintain his newly popping up
rage/exogenously supplemented testosterone frustration and channel
it towards becoming the top surfer on Tour.
Looming like something that would loom intimidatingly,
the menace of the mid-year cut set the Tour a tizzy.
It came, mostly*, from those on the lower rungs of the season’s
leaderboard/Tour hierarchy (basically the barnacles), who see it as
a threat to their future livelihoods, knowing it becomes harder to
justify a career as professional surfer not on Tour.
One toothless threat of a boycott later and we’re on to Margs
where, if any one of them could manage a semi-final result, except
R-Cal, who would need a second, to guarantee their spot on Tour and
further carve out a nice little career existing simply as fodder
for Fil and Gabriel to feast on in the early rounds.
Live the dream, guys…
Other than that, Fil, as expected, dominated.
36. Liam O’Brien/Matthew McGillivray
What can I say about Matthew McGillivray? Not much, except for that
two last-place finishes in four contests does not bode well for
one’s requalification chances… or go very far to justify one’s
existence on Tour. That’s all I have to s… oh, he and Leo are
basically the same surfer, but he’s not Italian.
I should be feeling some way about seeing Liam go without having
the chance to compete, but I don’t really. I guess it sucks and
will make for a great story for him to tell people later that he
once was a professional surfer who once upon a time qualified for
the World Tour but didn’t compete, only to have those high school
students not believe him.
35. Carlos Muñoz
Injured since Pipe, Carlos will not make the cut. No matter, he
dies a Tour hero’s death trying to compete with the busted
shoulder. Woulda been cool to have him compete at Bells because the
whole Easter-Zombie-Jesus thing that could have been a forced
metaphor…
34. Ryan Callinan
A last-place finish at Pipe and three almost-last place finishes
everywhere else, Ryan has a lot of work to do to make the cut.
Like I mentioned above, he will need to at least make the semis,
and only guaranteed by a finals appearance, in order to sneak
in.
A semi would give him 10075 points for the season which, while
most likely gets him across the line, doesn’t guarantee it, as
there is a scenario where everyone below the cutline win enough to
keep him out… but whatever.
33. Lucca Mesinas
Doesn’t belong on Tour, but a quarterfinal at Pipe probably gets
him in, if he can manage a ninth at Margs.
32. Deivid Silva
Surfing in possibly the best non-Joao-John-John heat of the contest
in the Round of 32 against Miguel Pupo, Deivid Silva ripped at
Bells, using his Taz shaped body to unload on the mushy faces. Sad
to see his Hispanic workman’s goatee potentially go.
31. Jadson Andre
A Round of 32 loss hurts for Jaddy, who will have to requalify for
the Tour via the minor leagues, in this case the Challenger Series,
for the umpteenth time in his career. If the contest goes to the
Box, it will be fun to see him charge haphazardly, pushing himself
over the ledge to almost certain wipeout, no regard for his safety
etc.
30. Leonardo Fioravanti
Another Opening Round win to Round of 32 loss for Leo. Whether he
is simply experiencing just a bit of bad luck, I don’t know or
care. What I do care about, though, with great excitement, is his
future show about his friendship with Kanoa, a behind-the-scenes
type deal showing how they do a bunch of stupid shit like making a
new music video featuring Leo dancing to Bananarama while Kanoa
tries to pick the muffins from his mouth to give him direction.
29. Imaikalani deVault
Controversial win over Slater in the Round of 32 was a feel-good
incident for the young Hawaiian who hasn’t been able to put it
together this year. Many fantards thought Slater shoulda won, but
Imaikalani didn’t surf predominantly on the shoulder like Slater
did, was able to stay in the pocket for vertical snaps and tight
arcing cutbacks.
Despite all that, he still manages to have the worst board spray
on Tour.
28. Frederico Morais
Among the long line of Euro journeyman pros who never really had an
apex, not to mention the King of 5-point-something rides, it’s a
little sad to see him below the cut line, but that’s just how
things go.
Poor performances, relative to expectations, at Sunset,
Portugal, and Bells, all of which should have suited him, have him
on the outside looking in. One good result could change things at
Margs, where he could do well at either potential location, but
unfortunately, mounting disappointing performances tend to lead to
more disappointing performances.
27. Conner Coffin
A brutal last-place at Bells for the young Santa Barbara Hobbit
Master of the Cutback, who one would imagine could dominate,
s-turning and roundhousing in the totally unpretentious,
aesthetically pleasing way he specializes in to at least the
quarterfinals.
Just below the cut line at the moment, a decent result will put
him over the top and let him continue making the 805 commercials
for the WSL and be on his way to living up to his potential as a
regular-footed Ace, before he inevitably falls off and starts his
new future as a founding member of the Toad the Wet Sprocket and
Cherry Garcia Blend 805 Tribute Band.
26. Owen Wright
Despite a quarterfinal finish at Bells, O-Dawg remains on the wrong
side of the cut. Perhaps he should ask Tyler what he can do to send
his ovaries into a winning overdrive before Margs.
25. Morgan Cibilic
Morgs surfed the best he has all year at Bells, kinda getting back
the mojo he had in 2021 when he proved to the wider world how cute
quokkas were and how much they could rip.
24. Caio Ibelli
A depressed performance at Bells for the former Rookie of the Year
sees him continue his steady slide down the ratings, which I expect
to continue the rest of the year. Luckily for him, he is qualified
for next year, so he has that to look forward to. In the Top 10, it
would seem a little weird to rate him here, but I guess I don’t
think much of him, not in the sense that I don’t like him, but I
just seriously don’t think of him.
He never enters my mind until I read his name or see him in a
heat.
Also, he muffed Margs last year when he had that terrible The
People™ sticker I did not design on his board.
23. Jake Marshall
Found himself in the Elimination Round but was able to get though
by virtue of being in a heat with Matthew McGillivray. No drama
concerning Snake, as he’s safe, already having secured his spot for
next year. Not everyone can be exciting or inspiring, which is
fine, being those things can be overrated.
22. Zeke Lau
Zeke has really settled into his every-year groove of being on the
borderline for qualification. How exciting is it that we’re within
a hair away of hearing him start to speak of himself exclusively in
third person?
21. K-Hole Andino
K-Hole, as I’ve previously written, is no longer a World Title
contender, but that does not mean he is no longer fun to watch, he
can be… ish. That’s a pretty solid endorsement.
20. João Chianca
João has had the unfortunate bad luck of keeping running into John
John in these contests, first at Pipe and lastly at Bells. In both
heats he was eliminated but excited spectators with his ballsy
flair. Fortunately for him, he will have little problem
requalifying via the Challenger Series unlike most of the others
who will get axed.
19. Connor O’Leary
There is a scenario that sees Connor not make the cut, however,
that is extremely unlikely, as everyone rated below him would have
to prevail in all their heats against higher seeded surfers until
McGillivray or Callinan win the whole contest for that to
happen.
His lack of belief in himself, as evidenced by his signature to
the petition to protest the mid-year cut, is quite, not stunning,
as he has already fallen off Tour previously, quite interesting.
Where was I going with that? I don’t know.
18. Samuel Pupo
Rated here for his choice of a bucket hat when cheering on Fil in
the quarters. Not elite, but solid.
17. Griffin Colapinto
After a thrilling victory in Portugal, Griff couldn’t keep up the
momentum at Bells, dropping to Metronomic Owen in the Round of 32.
Scaturient with talent, he can hopefully live up to his promise and
make his way into the Top 5, but only if he can avoid these types
of setbacks.
To do so, I’d suggest he ditch the coach, cease thinking about
strategy and just fucking surf. Speaking of coaches, how is it that
Snips is still sought after? None of his surfers win, so what’s the
appeal? The fact that he looks like Opie? You don’t know
either.
16. Jackson Baker
Jacko had a good event, completely outsurfing Jordan in their Round
of 32 heat, despite Jords trying to sell an interference on the
Bake near the end of the heat. Clearly not being part of the elite
on Tour, he is still fun to watch, riding antiquated boards with a
little bit of the nineties power flair we grew up with.
If this surfing thing fails to work out this year, maybe he can
get a jump on starting the new phase of his professional career as
Australiafied reincarnation of Wilford Brimley, enjoying his ice
cream and apple pie while reminding fellow Type IIs to test often
to keep their diabeetus under control.
15. Nat Young
Natty surfed really well at Bells. A pity he’s not Aussie, as I
think that may have nudged him ahead in his heat with Owen in the
Round of 16. Is this really the case? Probably not, as all judges’
scores are really just degrees of difference centered around
whatever the head judge determines the score is (suspect how little
variation in scores there are, but whatever).
Also, I would like to personally apologize to you Nat for
comparing you to Caliban from The Tempest and for making fun of
your freckled complexion. You’re a very well-rounded surfer, with
no real obvious weaknesses. Will I stop making fun of you? No.
14. Seth Moniz
Seth shit the bed at Bells and got a last-place finish. He probably
should try to avoid the Elimination Round if he wants to improve
his standing. That is now his second appearance there this year,
and probably should have been his third, if he had not luckily
landed an Opening Round heat with Lucca Mesinas in Portugal.
13. Jordan Michael Smith
Got waxed by Ben Luckett in the Round of 32. Did not tank his
ranking just because he could still get into the Top 5, improving
with El Salvador, J-Bay, and G-Land coming up.
12. Ethan Ewing
One of the informed (shout-out Richie) surfers of the event, Ethan
was thoroughly outclassed by Fil in the semis, left sitting there
executing the great strategy of not catching waves. His little
temper tantrum at the end of the heat, slapping the water with
slicked back hair, was funny. Aussie passion.
11. Barron Mamiya
Surfed solidly but just got a bad result. Out of the six waves he
surfed during his losing heat against Morgs he showed remarkable
consistency, with five of his waves scoring over 5 points. Avoiding
having too many wasted waves and shit scores will be critical to
his future World Title hopes, helping him grind through enough
heats to keep him in it.
10. Jack Robinson
Jack had a good contest, sharp on his way to a semi-final finish.
His win against Italo in the QF seemed a bit suspect, but he won,
so suck it. If Margs ends up going on at the Box, Jack could blow
every non-John surfer out of the water and potentially get another
win. Will they contest enough rounds there for him to do that? No,
but that one day will be fun. If everyone surfed well, as I
have basically claimed with saying so many guys surfed well, just
means that Bells sucks.
9. Kelly Slater
Despite the early loss, the Bald One still finds himself in the Top
5 heading into the fifth event, looking like he might have a real
chance at finishing there at the end of the year, considering
G-Land and Chopes are still out there for him to semi or better
in.
8. Miguel Pupo
Ripped off in his quarterfinal heat against this year’s Morgan
Cibilic, or future Aussie journeyman, Callum Robson, Miggy surfed
well enough to climb into the Top 10 and not have to even bother
with the Challenger Series. Not a bad place for Thing 1.
7. Kanoa Igarashi
Sometimes at these surf contests, there are competitors you can
just tell did not grow up surfing a similar type of wave they are
competing in, like Andy at J-Bay or Fil in anything big. In the
best of circumstances, their tastes for these waves are acquired
and they can end up turning them into a strength.
In the case of Kanoa at Bells, he looked like he grew up surfing
shit, a different kind of shit to Bells, epileptically pumping for
nonexistent sections to bash and manufacture a score, rather than
letting the wave come to him to lay down some nice looking carves.
He was trying too hard. I know the feeling.
6. Callum Robson
Bells saw Callum’s coronation as Aussieland’s next great
tradie-inspired-non-aerial-surfing pro to take the Tour by
non-Brazilian storm during his rookie year.
5. Mick Fanning
How sad is it that a long retired pro, one who has let his body go
to dough, is still one of the best surfers in the world at a
longstanding Tour spot? Also, what is the threshold for the time to
have to elapse for something to be considered nostalgic?
4. John John Florence
Despite clearly and deservedly losing to Fil, he is an overwhelming
favorite to win at Margs. Not rated higher because of Trestles.
3. Italo Ferreira
Two straight good results for him, a semi in Portugal and quarters
at Bells, Ike looks on his way to getting back to the top of the
rankings. Storming the judges tower in ager after his controversial
loss to Jack in the quarters, Ferreira strengthened his case to
being the second-most exciting surfer in the comp.
With Gabe out of the picture and Toledo susceptible to a
meltdown, one would hope that he can maintain this newly popping up
rage/exogenously supplemented testosterone frustration and channel
it towards becoming the top competition surfer on Tour. If he
can’t, a couple karate chopped boards would be an acceptable
substitute.
2. Gabriel Medina
Gabe’s absence this year has left a gaping hole in the talent on
Tour, one that Fil has rammed his small Sharp Eyes through in an
effort to fertilize this year’s World Title, which happens to
actually be a shithole.
1. Filipe Toledo
Taking the yellow rashie at Bells, where he dominated, displaying
the best rail and air game on Tour throughout the contest, Pip
cemented himself as the favorite for Trestles in September. It
really shouldn’t have been a surprise that he’s here.
For those dumbasses who thought Pip actually had a chance to
miss the cut and that I was dumb for being so confident in him
being a shoo-in, I would like to say, borrowing from the immortal
stoic poet, Shaquille O’Neal, “tell me how my ass tastes.”
*Pip being the one notable exception, done probably as a display
of solidarity with Jadson and Yago.
