Cape Hatteras beachfront homes fall into sea at prime surfing location as shifting environmental landscape continues haunting the rich and famous!

Calling all illegal burritos.

The same exact problem facing the noted environmentalist, and 11x world champion, Kelly Slater and his beachfront Oahu neighbors is also foiling likeminded wealthy friends from Miami all the way up to Cape Hatteras, North Carolina’s premier surfing destination.

Namely, the ocean creeping up and up and up, flooding multi-million dollar properties, eroding front yards, destabilizing foundations.

Slater, of course, solved his immediate trouble through the usage of illegal burritos but apparently his wealthy friends in Cape Hatteras did not receive the memo as, days ago, their houses plunged into the sea.

Per ABC News:

Two beach houses have fallen into the waves along North Carolina’s coast, U.S. National Park Service officials said in a statement Tuesday.

The unoccupied homes were located along Ocean Drive in the Outer Banks community of Rodanthe. The park service confirmed both collapses Tuesday and has closed off the areas around the houses.

Debris from the first fallen house was spreading widely. Officials from the Cape Hatteras National Seashore, which is part of the park service, said they will be working closely with the homeowner to coordinate cleanup activities.

This is the third time a home has fallen into the surf this year. A house in Rodanthe collapsed in February and spread debris across many miles of beaches before the homeowner and volunteers were able to clean most of it up. However, clean up efforts for smaller pieces of debris continues.

“Unfortunately, there may be more houses that collapse onto Seashore beaches in the near future,” David Hallac, superintendent of National Parks of Eastern North Carolina, said in a statement. “We proactively reached out to homeowners along Ocean Drive in Rodanthe after the first house collapse and recommended that actions be taken to prevent collapse and impacts to Cape Hatteras National Seashore.”


But might these destroyed homes make for bountiful new reefs?

One man’s trash another’s treasure?

Or should Kelly Slater teach the ways of illegal burrito to east coaster southerners who are more accustomed to illegal grits?


Zac Efron (left) not with Jason Statham and not wearing OuterKnown.
Zac Efron (left) not with Jason Statham and not wearing OuterKnown.

Living legend Kelly Slater receives much needed lift as august Hollywood Reporter endorses lightly worn OuterKnown: “Zac Efron and Jason Statham are among the Hollywood stars who have worn pro surfer Kelly Slater’s brand!”

It IS Ok!

Our Kelly Slater is, without any shade or shadow of doubt, a living legend. His accomplishments, in the surf, far too vast to be able to list here. Eleven-time world champion, Pipeline Master and Pro Pipeline, Eddie winner, ageless wonder and, at time of writing, current world number thirteen.

His exploits out of the water, though, are decidedly mixed.

On one hand, he dated Pamela Anderson.

On the other, Purps.

And it really is his various business exploits that have me worried most. For every Surf Ranch there is an Endorfins, quickly touted then disappeared without success or further mention. But, so, where does his sustainable clothing brand OuterKnown land on the K-Brand spectrum?

I have never, not once, seen it in the wild. No fathers of middle-school children at the coffee bar, no fathers of high-school children on the way to “casual Friday” and so I worry much but, as it turns out, needlessly.

The Hollywood Reporter, an august publication detailing lifestyles of the rich and famous, just released its list of the “best sustainable men’s brands 2022” and Slater’s OuterKnown fell right in behind Patagonia.

Founded by pro surfer Kelly Slater, Outerknown ensures that its products are entirely organic, recycled or regenerated — which is among the reasons why wave riders and everyday wearers (including stars like Zac Efron and Jason Statham) are drawn to the comfy, carefree brand. The company champions fair labor practices, aims to be fully circular by 2030 and shares its full supplier list online. The blanket shirt and S.E.A. Jeans are among the seven-year-old label’s best-selling pieces, and Outerknown also sells pre-loved clothing, too.

Zac Efron and Jason Statham?

Pamela Anderson 2.0 and whew.


Simone and her interlocutor who would make any man's legs tremble with desire and awe.

Mammy of Gabriel Medina goes nuclear in interview concerning son’s short-lived marriage to Sports Illustrated model Yasmin Brunet; says Gabriel “started to go weird” and “I knew it wouldn’t last. It wasn’t love!”

"Gabriel is intense in everything. He is intense to fall in love, intense in everything, and passion ends."

Three-time world champ Gabriel Medina’s mammy Simone has chosen the nuclear option during an interview for Brazilian TV; her interlocutor, I must add, is a strikingly unique beauty with an absolutely fantastically curvaceous body, skin a rich, ripe, radiant apricot, waist-length hair ashimmer beneath the lights.

Little Gabriel, who is twenty-eight and who makes his return to competition at the Grajagan Pro in two weeks, quit the tour just before the opening event at Pipe citing his fragile mental health.

“I have emotional issues that I need to deal with,” he wrote. 

It soon emerged he’d busted up with his thirty-three-year-old Sports Illustrated model wife Yasmin Brunet and she was, allegedly, refusing to leave his beachfront house in Sao Paulo, putting towels over the security cameras so no one could see what she was doing. 

Before that, there was the estrangement of his mama, Simone, and step-dad, Charlie, which included a messy split of assets and a wild feud between his then-wife and his mama over the existence of a supposed sex tape starring Brunet.

Now, in the interview with Domingo Espetacular, Simone has revealed she has not spoken to her son for two years and that his relationship with Brunet was only slowly revealed.

“She never left (Gabriel’s house). I just saw there was a car with a driver that brought the clothes, brought a little each week. At first, we received her very well but over time I felt that Gabriel started to get weird.” 

Simone says she was bummed she wasn’t told about the couple’s North Shore wedding, “Even if you wanted an intimate ceremony, out of respect you could just tell us” and says that she found out about the break-up via social media, adding her chilling coup de grâce.

“I knew it wouldn’t last. I said it to myself… I know him. Gabriel is intense in everything. He is intense to fall in love, intense in everything, and passion ends. It wasn’t love.” 

But, does it?

I would think structural issues, pathological jealousies for instance, more than a dimming passion would ice a year-long marriage.

Or maybe he, or she, woke up one morn, listened to the same dribbling bullshit coming out of a hole on their spouse’s smirking kewpie doll’s face, and went, big mistake, I’m out.

Kennelly says that it was “not okay to be a lesbian” and that if you did prefer shaved babylike snatches to rock-and-cock Tom Selleck lookalikes it was “career suicide.” | Photo: Steve Sherman//@tsherms

Big-wave world champ and LGBTQ+ icon Keala Kennelly reveals her “self-hatred for being gay” and how playing straight on the world surf tour nearly killed her, “I spent the majority of my time on the pro circuit in the closet completely terrified to come out!”

“I actually quit the tour shortly after I came out because I couldn't handle mentally and emotionally what that was like."

A few years ago, I got pitchforked by social media mobs for questioning the validity of one-event world titles, with reference to Keala Kennelly’s big-wave crown, particularly since she didn’t make a wave in the final and there were only ten other competitors in the event.

I did forget what year I’m in and that any sort of critique is hate and so on, particularly if the person is female or gay.

To question someone who is both, even if the issue has nothing to do with gender or sexing, is suicidal.

It was enough to trigger some sort of sad feeling, if I was open to these sorts of things.

Anyway the actor, DJ, and still active pro surfer, who is bold and fearless in big waves, has revealed to People magazine that playing straight on tour nearly killed her and that she was riddled with self-hate for being gay.

“I had just all this internalized homophobia and self-hatred for being gay,” Kennelly says. “I was living this double life because on tour, I was pretending to be straight. I’m just a really honest person, I’m a really genuine, authentic person. So, to feel like I was living this lie was just crushing my soul and after so many years of that, it was just, “I can’t do this anymore, this is actually going to kill me if I can’t live my truth.” It got to a point where I didn’t care what the cost was, I couldn’t live like this.”

Kennelly says that it was “not okay to be a lesbian” and that if you did prefer shaved babylike snatches to rock-and-cock Tom Selleck lookalikes it was “career suicide.”

“So when I got on the tour, I was so freaking nervous because I inherently knew I was gay. So, I was absolutely terrified and I spent the majority of my time on the pro circuit in the closet and just completely terrified to come out — completely terrified to get outed, that I was going to lose my sponsors.”

In 2005, when Kennelly, aged twenty-seven,  eventually came out she “faced a wave of homophobia from companies and other surfers that eventually led her to leave the sport.”

“I actually quit the tour shortly after I came out because I couldn’t handle mentally and emotionally what that was like. Then I had a few sponsors drop me and so, that was just more confirmation that it wasn’t okay. I left the tour because, emotionally and mentally, I just couldn’t handle it.”

Times change, of course, and Kennelly notes the world champ Tyler Wright wears a contest jersey with a gay flag.

“It makes me really happy that athletes are not having a struggle as I did,” says Kennelly. ” She came out and her sponsor didn’t drop her, they’re still supporting her. So, it’s really nice to see that attitude change.”

Incredibly, in the forty-six years since the men’s tour has been around, not one active male pro has admitted to being a barebacking queen.

(Yeah, Matt Branson, but for his time on tour he was played as super straight, eating out chicks in the Bells Beach carpark etc, as reported by Paul Sargeant.

Is their gayness not real?

Maths whizz reveals the exact number of seconds riding waves it takes to win a world surfing title over the course of one season !

The world's least demanding sport!

These days, there are two productive ways to spend your time between empty perfect surf sessions at the Kandui Resort in the Mentawai Islands.

One: You can drink beer.

Or, like Jesse Bowman, a Californian surfer/triathlete and corporate acquisitions/merger manager with very little interest in surf media, you can analyze how much actual time one spends on the actual face of a wave in order to become a WSL World Champion in one season.

Downtime follies in the Ments.

Surprisingly, it works out to the same as listening to Joe Turpel bray on for about three heats.

Here are Jesse’s numbers based on averages:

10 Contests
6 heats to win a contest, 5 waves ridden a heat.
Pipe is a 7 second ride. 5 waves = 35 seconds. Times 6 heats = 210 seconds on the wave face.

Sunset is a 12 sec ride. 5 waves = 60 seconds. Times 6 heats = 360 seconds

Bells is a 20 sec ride. 5 waves = 100 seconds. Times 6 heats = 600 seconds

Margies is a 8 sec ride. 5 waves = 40 sec. Times 6 heats = 240 sec.

Land is a 20 second ride. 5 waves = 100 sec. Times 6 heats = 600 sec.

El Salvador is a 15 sec ride. 5 waves = 75 sec. Times 6 heats = 450 sec

Rio is a 4 sec ride. 5 waves = 20 sec. Times 6 heats = 120 sec.

Jbay is a 40 sec ride. 5 waves = 200 sec. Times 6 heats = 1200 sec

Teahupoo is a 7 second ride. 5 waves = 35 sec. Times 6 heats = 210 sec

Trestles. 15 second ride. 5 waves = 75 sec. Times 3 heats win = 225 sec

Total seconds on the face of a wave: 4215
Total minutes on the face of a wave: 70:25
Total hours on the face of a wave to win a WSL World Title: 1 hour and 35 minutes of surfing (Give or take a few sec’s)

A single grand slam tennis match is twice that.

So again, you too could become a WSL World Champion in about the same time as it takes to watch a re-run of an old Rodney Dangerfield movie.

Easy money, hey?