It IS Ok!

Our Kelly Slater is, without any shade or shadow of doubt, a living legend. His accomplishments, in the surf, far too vast to be able to list here. Eleven-time world champion, Pipeline Master and Pro Pipeline, Eddie winner, ageless wonder and, at time of writing, current world number thirteen.

His exploits out of the water, though, are decidedly mixed.

On one hand, he dated Pamela Anderson.

On the other, Purps.

And it really is his various business exploits that have me worried most. For every Surf Ranch there is an Endorfins, quickly touted then disappeared without success or further mention. But, so, where does his sustainable clothing brand OuterKnown land on the K-Brand spectrum?

I have never, not once, seen it in the wild. No fathers of middle-school children at the coffee bar, no fathers of high-school children on the way to “casual Friday” and so I worry much but, as it turns out, needlessly.

The Hollywood Reporter, an august publication detailing lifestyles of the rich and famous, just released its list of the “best sustainable men’s brands 2022” and Slater’s OuterKnown fell right in behind Patagonia.

Founded by pro surfer Kelly Slater, Outerknown ensures that its products are entirely organic, recycled or regenerated — which is among the reasons why wave riders and everyday wearers (including stars like Zac Efron and Jason Statham) are drawn to the comfy, carefree brand. The company champions fair labor practices, aims to be fully circular by 2030 and shares its full supplier list online. The blanket shirt and S.E.A. Jeans are among the seven-year-old label’s best-selling pieces, and Outerknown also sells pre-loved clothing, too.

Zac Efron and Jason Statham?

Pamela Anderson 2.0 and whew.

Healthy.

"Gabriel is intense in everything. He is intense to fall in love, intense in everything, and passion ends."

Three-time world champ Gabriel Medina’s mammy Simone has chosen the nuclear option during an interview for Brazilian TV; her interlocutor, I must add, is a strikingly unique beauty with an absolutely fantastically curvaceous body, skin a rich, ripe, radiant apricot, waist-length hair ashimmer beneath the lights.

Little Gabriel, who is twenty-eight and who makes his return to competition at the Grajagan Pro in two weeks, quit the tour just before the opening event at Pipe citing his fragile mental health.

“I have emotional issues that I need to deal with,” he wrote. 

It soon emerged he’d busted up with his thirty-three-year-old Sports Illustrated model wife Yasmin Brunet and she was, allegedly, refusing to leave his beachfront house in Sao Paulo, putting towels over the security cameras so no one could see what she was doing. 

Before that, there was the estrangement of his mama, Simone, and step-dad, Charlie, which included a messy split of assets and a wild feud between his then-wife and his mama over the existence of a supposed sex tape starring Brunet.

Now, in the interview with Domingo Espetacular, Simone has revealed she has not spoken to her son for two years and that his relationship with Brunet was only slowly revealed.

“She never left (Gabriel’s house). I just saw there was a car with a driver that brought the clothes, brought a little each week. At first, we received her very well but over time I felt that Gabriel started to get weird.” 

Simone says she was bummed she wasn’t told about the couple’s North Shore wedding, “Even if you wanted an intimate ceremony, out of respect you could just tell us” and says that she found out about the break-up via social media, adding her chilling coup de grâce.

“I knew it wouldn’t last. I said it to myself… I know him. Gabriel is intense in everything. He is intense to fall in love, intense in everything, and passion ends. It wasn’t love.” 

But, does it?

I would think structural issues, pathological jealousies for instance, more than a dimming passion would ice a year-long marriage.

Or maybe he, or she, woke up one morn, listened to the same dribbling bullshit coming out of a hole on their spouse’s smirking kewpie doll’s face, and went, big mistake, I’m out.

The world's least demanding sport!

These days, there are two productive ways to spend your time between empty perfect surf sessions at the Kandui Resort in the Mentawai Islands.

One: You can drink beer.

Or, like Jesse Bowman, a Californian surfer/triathlete and corporate acquisitions/merger manager with very little interest in surf media, you can analyze how much actual time one spends on the actual face of a wave in order to become a WSL World Champion in one season.

Surprisingly, it works out to the same as listening to Joe Turpel bray on for about three heats.

Here are Jesse’s numbers based on averages:

10 Contests
6 heats to win a contest, 5 waves ridden a heat.
….…………………………..
Pipe is a 7 second ride. 5 waves = 35 seconds. Times 6 heats = 210 seconds on the wave face.

Sunset is a 12 sec ride. 5 waves = 60 seconds. Times 6 heats = 360 seconds

Bells is a 20 sec ride. 5 waves = 100 seconds. Times 6 heats = 600 seconds

Margies is a 8 sec ride. 5 waves = 40 sec. Times 6 heats = 240 sec.

Land is a 20 second ride. 5 waves = 100 sec. Times 6 heats = 600 sec.

El Salvador is a 15 sec ride. 5 waves = 75 sec. Times 6 heats = 450 sec

Rio is a 4 sec ride. 5 waves = 20 sec. Times 6 heats = 120 sec.

Jbay is a 40 sec ride. 5 waves = 200 sec. Times 6 heats = 1200 sec

Teahupoo is a 7 second ride. 5 waves = 35 sec. Times 6 heats = 210 sec

Trestles. 15 second ride. 5 waves = 75 sec. Times 3 heats win = 225 sec
….…………………………………………………………………..

Total seconds on the face of a wave: 4215
Total minutes on the face of a wave: 70:25
Total hours on the face of a wave to win a WSL World Title: 1 hour and 35 minutes of surfing (Give or take a few sec’s)

A single grand slam tennis match is twice that.

So again, you too could become a WSL World Champion in about the same time as it takes to watch a re-run of an old Rodney Dangerfield movie.

Easy money, hey?

Save Owen!

It has been quite a week for professional surfing, maybe the most attention paid to our little corner of children who can’t read good by outsiders since 1976, but wow. Quite a week. It all got underway with the official release of Make or Break, a television show that might just may transform professional surfing into a sport watched by more than just thirty middle-aged men. Then came Margaret River and its mid-year cut. Possibly spurned on by the aforementioned Make or Break, mainstream media came swooping right down on the plan, decrying it as “brutal” and “thuggish” especially after surf darling Sally Fitzgibbons was marched to the guillotine and beheaded.

World Surf League CEO, Erik Logan, sensing a potential enraged public, opened up his shit hose full and sprayed The Guardian with, “The redesign has been met by the industry and fans with genuine excitement and we are already seeing significant increases in engagement and viewership. In redesigning the tours and competition framework, we focused on optimising the competition structures to create a dynamic, compelling and long-term sustainable format to compliment the incredible talents of the world’s best surfers. The mid-season cut is a cornerstone of the new framework and allows us to ensure that post-cut events can run in one optimal swell cycle, create a dynamic season-long narrative and drive fan engagement – all of which allow us to drive more revenue so we can continue to invest in the platform of the world’s best surfing.”

But alas, mainstream media followed the headless ex-championship tour surfers to Coolangatta wherein they were forced to compete alongside Adrian Buchan and Chelsea Tuach at the “challenger series” opener Boost Mobile Gold Coast Pro.

Well, Saint Sally inspired with news coming out yesterday that she would be given the “first half of the season” wildcard for the 2023 campaign and also making it into the semifinals where she lost to eventual champion Caitlin Simmers. Mainstream media, mollified there, turned its attention to poor Owen Wright, who, like Fitzgibbons, was decapitated at Margaret River but, unlike her, performed poorly at Snapper, bowing out in the round of 48.

Wright, also, was given no wildcards injury or otherwise.

Fox Sports declared Wright was “Brutally snubbed.”

Yahoo! Sports beat the drum of “unfairness.”

The Washington Post would have added, “It is undignified and beyond comprehension that a man of his stature, an Olympian no less, should be treated so barbarously” if it was not solely focused on covering the Trump presidency.

Logan is yet to respond.

But will this growing chorus provide wings for the Olympic bronze medalist like it did his countrywoman Sally Fitzgibbons? Will we see a tan, rested and ready Owen Wright ahead of 2023 ready to climb back to the top?

Also, does Rip Curl now sponsor 100% of professional surfers?

More questions that answers.