Not Jessi Miley-Dyer.

New series featuring junior level competitive professional surfing promises to save streaming giant Netflix from transphobia-induced economic crash!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Strange days.

Only those currently living under rocks will be unaware that streaming entertainment giant Netflix has stumbled upon extra hard times. Subscription numbers are down, share prices along with them and critics are coming hard, claiming that the fall is likely karmic due the Hollywood-based company’s insistence on broadcasting anti-trans comedy specials.

Oh, I thought Dave Chappelle’s The Closer approached art and didn’t watch Ricky Gervais’ SuperNature though generally chuckle heartily at the British man’s not-holds-barred takes but I am not “the market” when it comes to such things. Don’t have a finely tuned sense of rage and am likely dumb.

Appropriate then, I suppose, that one thing I do not like, low-level competitive professional surfing, is being hailed as the potential savior of Netflix.

Currently number two in Germany, the series, as described by The Sydney Morning Herald, “focuses on a group of attractive, athletic teenagers who are passionately dedicated to a competitive discipline that requires intense physical and mental commitment.”

I have watched a bit, over my young daughter’s shoulder, and that low-level competitive professional surfing does take up a huge portion of the storyline. Heats, beach announcers, tense moments with bogged turns and close-out barrels for the win with meager beach crowds fist pumping over the hooter.

It is… as fine as watching 1000-level Brazilian QS events, I think, if those were ever to be streamed and I wonder if our World Surf League is pondering this gold mine or too busy trying to figure out how to put the upcoming El Salvador contest on many holds?

Remember when the WSL was going to make its mint from media?

Strange days.

Jessi Miley-Dyer.

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John John goes into the MRI tank to scan beat-up knee in 2018, watched by coach Ross Williams.

World title hopes of John John “Rough Boy” Florence crash following his sudden withdrawal from El Salvador Pro and, likely, Rio Pro after knee injury at G-Land, “Hard news for me to accept…this one really hurts”

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

"It’s been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me."

The almost thirty-year-old John John Florence is the last custodian of the old way, talk softly, carry a big stick, surf with power and brilliance.

Ain’t no glitz or showmanship, only a purity of purpose and execution.

A real bummer, then, that world number three Florence will miss the El Salvador contest and, likely, Brazil, putting his hopes for a third world title into tailspin.

“I learned yesterday that the pain I was feeling in G-Land is due to a torn MCL that happened during the event,” says Florence. Hard news for me to accept, and it means I have to officially withdraw from the next @wsl event in El Salvador, and most likely the Brazil event too. This one really hurts to be honest. But, there will always be unforeseen moments out of our control, just have to try and respond in the best way possible.”

You’ll remember Florence appearing for his round one heat at G-Land with knee in a brace.

“I kind of tweaked my left knee, maybe my MCL,” he said in his compulsory post-heat presser. “It’s been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me. I was thinking about pulling out of the event then did some work with the medical staff then had a surf this morning and felt okay so decided to keep at it. I was so nervous before that heat because I still didn’t really know what it was going to feel like but it ended up feeling fine and having no pain so I’m really stoked to get the heat win.”

Florence’s hinges have been a source of woe for the past four years, causing multiple breaks from the tour and, likely, costing at least one world title.

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Poopies, far right, accepts the best kiss award at the MTV awards.

MTV fans horrified as Jackass star and former drug mule/gigolo “Poopies” beats stacked field to win coveted “best kiss” award, “Tom (Holland) and Zendaya losing to a f*cking snake is my villain origin story!”

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

"Now that I’m a big time movie star, me and the snake broke up."

One month ago, Carlsbad stuntman and former JOB fall-guy, drug mule and North Shore prozzy Sean “Poopies” McInerney joined a cavalcade of superstars in the Best Kiss category at the MTV Music Awards.

Man and Texas rat snake get it on? What’s not to love? 

The kiss appears in Jackass Forever’s The Quiet Game sequence, where RachelnWolfson, Steve-O and Poopies are dressed as the French mime Marcel Marceau and are forced to do stunts without reacting to them. 

Poopies is asked to kiss a Texas Rat Snake, a non-venomous serpent popular in the pet trade, which bites him on the face. 

A second attempt yields the same result. 

To win, Poopies and the snake had to beat a stacked field, including Robert Pattinson and Zoë Kravitz for Batman, Hunter Schafer and Dominic Fike for Euphoria, Lily Collins and Lucien Laviscount for Emily in Paris, and Tom Holland and Zendaya for Spider-Man: No Way Home. 

And, last night, at The Barker Hanger in Santa Monica, ol Poops, who a few short years ago was being tortured by his cruel auburn-haired master Jamie O’Brien in various ocean-based stunts, pulled off the ultimate career switcharoo, winning the prestigious award. 

Horrified Spiderman and MTV fans lit up on Twitter.

And so on.

Poopies, who is thirty-five, was gracious in victory, 

“It’s kind of weird being up here, accepting this award alone. Now that I’m a big time movie star, me and the snake broke up. I found a new love, so let’s bring her out!”

Good times.

 

 

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Drink, smoke, wear sweat pants, surf a pretty little point out front.

Epic 42-acre “Endless Summer” ranch of surf movie icon Bruce Brown lists for $US4.75 million, “I worked hard from ’58 to ’71… why work if you don’t have to, don’t want to?”

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

"The most important thing for me has been to be at the beach, to be able to surf."

The Academy-nominated surf movie icon Bruce Brown, director of The Endless summer although he almost got the Oscar for the moto documentary On Any Sunday, was forty-three when he split Orange County and bought 42 acres on the Gaviota coastline, a little north of Santa Babs.

Gaviota is one of those joints that hasn’t fallen under the jackboot and bulldozer of developers and, even now, is still the longest stretch of rural coastline in southern California.

Seventy souls inhabit Gaviota, either ranching, working organic farms or rehabilitating wretched little mammals at The Channel Islands Marine & Wildlife Institute.

What remains of industry has either been shut down or is in the process of being decommissioned. The old Chevron gas plant has gone and the Gaviota Marine Terminal is being turned into public space.

A pretty little slice of heaven.

Bruce and his wife Patricia lived in a trailer on the site at 15550 US Hwy 101, Goleta (Gaviota), while they built the house, which Bruce lived in until his death in 2017.

Now, the fam is selling the four-thousand square feet four-bedroom joint for a little under five million.

Here’s the editing suite where Bruce and his kid Dana cut the Pat O’Connell thriller Endless Summer II.
A pretty old joint, built for comfort and lazy mornings in sweat pants not coke-and-hooker parties.
A private little road up to your 42-acres of heaven.
Rustic!

The garage is as big as the house, it has direct access to the beach and is real close to a point break called Brown’s, as well as to Hollister Ranch.

Maybe the best part of the Endless Summer ranch is the spirit of Bruce Brown that fills the joint. This isn’t a place you go to be chained to your little Apple laptop or telephone.

“I worked hard from ’58 to ’71,” Brown told the WaPo in 1991, as he flicked the ash into a conch shell ashtray from one of the fifty or so Winstons he smoked every day. “My outlook has been, why work if you don’t have to, if you don’t want to? The most important thing for me has been to be at the beach, to be able to surf.”

Epic.

(Looks like someone has already thrown down an offer on the place; if you’ve the cash get in there and gazump ’em!)

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Kolohe Andino (pictured).
Kolohe Andino (pictured).

Los Angeles’ other Major League Baseball team uses nostalgic surf motif for exciting new uniforms: “The scripted ‘Angels’ is done so in a lettering inspired by vintage surf brands’, the end of the tail reflects the end of a ‘fish tail’ surfboard!”

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Major World Surf League Baseball.

Oh I will not be shy about my love of baseball, no for not one second. It may not be the “sport of kings” but baseball makes much sense as there are no heats, judges in towers, excellent ranges, Joe Turpels. No, no, no and no. There are, on the other hand, time-less innings, hearty men swinging lumber and throwing cheese, dingers and Vin Scully.

Baseball is a fantastic game and even though I am on European soil, I check in daily with my San Diego Padres to see how they are faring. Greater Southern California has two other teams, the Los Angeles Dodgers and the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Neither are as good as the Pads but the LAAofA drew slightly closer with the unveiling of a new surf-inspired uniform.

Per the press release:

The Angels new City Connect uniform focuses on the region’s heavy surfing-inspired history, dating back to the 1950s and 1960s with vintage surf style lettering, striping, and number decoration in red on a cream-coloured uniform.

“In Southern California, there are few things more synonymous with summer than days at the beach and nights at the ballpark,” said Los Angeles Angels President, John Carpino in the press release. “Our City Connect uniforms look to celebrate those traditions by bringing the local beach culture to the Big A.”

Across the front of the jersey is “Angels” scripted out in red with a large silver halo around the top of the “A” and a red tail. The scripted “Angels” is done so in a lettering “inspired by vintage surf brands”, the end of the tail reflects the end of a “fish tail” surfboard (appropriate as the club of Mike Trout and Tim Salmon, the Angels proudly note).

Below the scripted lettering is the player number in a Pacific Ocean-inspired navy blue and trimmed in silver. This number is designed to resemble the font used on the sides of local lifeguard towers. A red diamond houses the number, another nod to vintage surfing brands.

Don’t even get me started on how much I enjoy fish tails.

Shakas all around.

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Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by @theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros
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