West Oz longboard champ, in two gender divs, Sasha Jane Lowerson.

Australian surfing body reaffirms trans-friendly rules despite worldwide push for separate division, including from world’s greatest athlete Kelly Slater, “Transgender surfers are free to enter any contest in Australia, up to and including the National Titles”

But! If the ISA "was to decide that transgender surfers are not eligible to enter international competitions, Surfing Australia would also look to reinforce that ruling."

Two months ago, surfing’s first transgender competitor, Sasha Jane Lowerson, who won the male division of the WA longboard titles in 2019 as Ryan Egan, ran through the women’s division of the Western Australian longboard titles, snatching the open gal’s crown easily.

Prior to getting the ok to compete, the forty-three-year-old had told Surfing Australia, “We can do this two ways. We can do it together and make it amazing or we can do it terribly and it’s a circus and you guys are the only ones who are going to come out looking silly… I’d prefer to not go through that.”

Equally exciting is the success of  twenty-nine-year-old trans skater Ricci Tres, who recently won the Red Bull Boardr Open women’s division in New York, beating 13-year-old girl Shiloh Catori.

“I’m not going to go and be easy on them because they’re kids,” Tres said.

Very inspirational, and I mean it ‘cause I like my trannies, the elfin faces, the flashy sexpot outfits, the way they like to catch ‘emselves in reflections so they can admire their irresistible new visions, the service pistol tucked between legs, sometimes operable, sometimes no.


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Not everyone is so in thrall to the very special magic of gender jumping, howevs.

After Lowerson’s win, Kelly Slater opined, “Make a trans division and we don’t have this confusion.”

And, following the success of swimmer Lia Thomas, a towering twenty-three-year-old Texan who held various high school records as a male in high school and who only transitioned in her freshman year of college, the world swimming body FINA has now adopted a new “gender inclusion policy”.

Unless you transitioned before you hit twelve you ain’t gonna get into the gals. Instead, FINA has proposed an “open division”, formerly called the men’s, I guess.

Anyway, earlier today, Surfing Western Australia released a statement confirming, at least for the time being, their commitment to letting trannies surf.

“Surfing Australia have ruled, as per the current policy which they distributed to all states in Dec 2021, that transgender surfers are free to enter any contest in Australia, up to and including the National Titles.”

There is an ominous caveat, however.

“If the International Surfing Association (ISA), who make global rulings for the sport, was to decide that transgender surfers are not eligible to enter international competitions, Surfing Australia would also look to reinforce that ruling via the states for State and National level competitions.”



Slater (left) gifting a bomb to young charger only to have the whole thing blown right up.
Slater (left) gifting a bomb to young charger only to have the whole thing blown right up.

Living legend Kelly Slater on wrong side of public opinion, called “soy boy” by omertà-abiding surfers for attempt to publicly out older man burning younger boy at plus-sized Kandui as drill-gate stretches into third day!

Strange days.

I am usually a prescient surf journalist, able to hold a tanned finger to the warm winds and divine the general consensus and so you can imagine my confusion in getting the most recent earth-shaking surf-based episode entirely wrong. For those living under a rock, days ago adventure-based listicle blog The Inertia posted a video on its Instagram account featuring living legend Kelly Slater calling a 14-year-old boy into a Kandui grower.

New evidence has surfaced that the boy received a slight shove from his father but, nonetheless, the drop was steep and he fully committed. Then, out of the sky, dropped an elder man wearing what appeared to be a trucker cap, forcing the boy to straighten out and get drilled into the reef while the man continued his ride to the end.

It was captioned, “That’s @kellyslater backing off of one and calling teenage local @thariq_inanuttshell into an absolute bomb, only to end up on the receiving end of the most egregious burn you’ll see this summer (not to mention a near disaster and serious bummer). We’re told the culprit was promptly shown out of the lineup after this one…”

Slater promptly responded with “@captain_kook_berry_crunch tag him.”

Now, being blocked, I was only sent a screen grab of the exchange and assumed that Slater had tagged the surfer himself. I was very wrong. Slater was asking for the captain of the boat the elder man was traveling upon to do the tagging and not outing @captain_kook_berry_crunch as the offender.

Very confusing handling these matters in the black outerknown.

In any case, Slater calling for Internet mob justice was not met kindly by most omertà-abiding surfers who called him a “soy boy” for not dealing with the issue, himself, in the lineup.

Mano-a-mano, as it were.

A wild turn of events and one that I did not see coming. I imagined loyal fans combing various social medias, finding the offender and gathering outside his virtual doorstep torches and pitchforks held high as opposed to rounding upon the world’s greatest surfer, teeth bared.

Strange days indeed.

Clever surf journalist solves sphinx-like riddle involving apparent error on current world number one Filipe Toledo’s commemorative tattoo!

No regrats.

Last week, current world number one professional surfer Filipe Toledo thrilled his countrymen by winning the 2022 Oi Rio Pro in front of a throng World Surf League CEO declared to number in the twenty-thousands. He was passed, shoulder to shoulder, all the way to the stage where roars drowned out anything Chris Cote was attempting to say.

A beautiful moment and one, days later, Toledo would ink upon his lower calf in commemoration.

The tattoo featured a lovely hillside church, four palm trees, a barreling right with a thick, foamy lip and the years 2018, 2019, 2022 underneath.

Filipe Toledo as art (pictured).
Filipe Toledo as art (pictured).

Surf fans immediately grew concerned. Yes, Toledo had won the Oi Rio Pro in 2018, 2019 and 2022 but he also won it in 2015. A four time champion.

Why had 2015 been disappeared?

A simple accounting mistake?

Early onset dementia?

A cryptic numerological message meant to signify some great, likely troubling prophecy?

As panic begin to set, one brave surf journalist took it upon himself to solve the sphinx-like riddle thereby comforting millions.

The background scene is, very clearly, Saquarema. There is no Sugarloaf nor Christ the Redeemer. No festival nor Morro da Urca. Very clearly not Rio de Janeiro proper and, even though the event is named Oi Rio Pro only the 2015 event was contested on those sands. 2018, 2019 and 2022 were all out front the aforementioned Saquarema. I would imagine that Toledo has another tattoo celebrating his first victory, somewhere else on his body, and, aside from mass shootings, assassinations, war, pestilence all is right with the world.


Like a scene out of the wildly underrated schlock horror flick Shivers, the pool is rumoured to turn into an orgy of the blood parasites at night!

Lemoore insider says Kelly Slater Surf Ranch “quickly replacing Pebble Beach as the plutocrats favourite playground… where tech industry and hedge fund VALS hone their skills before hiring a ‘surfpa’ to bloc for them at California beaches!”

“It is to surfing what Madame Claude’s famous Parisian brothel was to prostitution.”

How much does it cost to hire out the Slater tank in Lemoore, that idyllic hamlet of 24,000 souls in gorgeous Kings County, California? 

Is it still the usually thrown around fifty-thousand US a day, 120 waves served across eight one-hour sessions? 

If you wanna get it while it’s warmish, May through October, gonna cost $US85,000, 65 to 75 November through April, brrrrrrrr and $22 to $25 thou’ for a four hour night surf. 

Of course, one doesn’t just… book. 

For that privilege you gotta be “part of a group that has booking access, most likely because they are a repeat customer.”

And therefore, according to our Lemoore insider, “While it remains financially off limits to most surfers, it is quickly replacing Pebble Beach as the plutocrats favorite playground. There, tech industry and hedge fund VALS hone their skills before hiring a surfpa (a surfing version of the sherpa mountain guide, also known as “proho”) to block for them at one of California’s gated, guarded beachside communities.”

Y’heard about the surpas? 

Real big thing among the rich and unlovely, including Hunter Biden, the disgraced son of the semi-disgraced US prez. 

And, now, there is a war brewing between the millionaires and the billionaires,” says our Malibu connection.

“I almost vomited when I overheard one plutocrat say to another, ‘Alexander von Furstenberg (Barry Diller’s stepson, Diane von Furstenberg’s son, under investigation by SEC) is a real waterman.’ How the mighty have fallen.” 

Mainstream shocked to discover tacit approval of “grom abuse” amongst surfers in wake of disturbing video featuring the great Kelly Slater and young boy getting drilled into reef due elder falling from sky!

Topsy-turvy times.

David Lee Scales and I met today, remotely as unfortune (the Kung-Flu) would have it, as is our habit in order to record the much-loved podcast our own Party Pete is storing for a later binge listening. Nearly 200 episodes worth and he is certainly in for a treat. Top of discussion today, of course, is the video clip that has gone viral-adjacent featuring surfing great Kelly Slater calling a 14-year-old charger into a Kandui bomb only to have an elder, replete with trucker cap, drop out of the sky in front of him causing the boy to straighten out and get drilled into the reef.

I, along with the 11x world champion, imagined the usurper would get called out and deeply shamed but, as it turns out, the idea of “grom abuse” is alive and well amongst core surfers.

Watch again here.

Sentiment, it seems, is that the kid deserved his whipping and is surfing the last remaining frontier of this sort of business?

I’d think much shock in the mainstream where any -ism, including grom-ism and/or child abuse, is exceedingly frowned upon.

Have you re-thought your position on the matter?

Well, no time for that now as David Lee and I pivoted quickly to World Surf League CEO Erik Logan’s explosive interview with the Lipped podcast wherein he claimed that women can’t surf Pipeline and the specific instances where wood paneling an automobile is acceptable.

Topsy-turvy times.

Listen here.