"Oh, thank goodness..."

In stunning environmental news it was, days ago, revealed that many of South Africa’s picturesque, wave filled bays have been cleared of the most vicious great white sharks by even more vicious serial killer orcas. Great white bodies washed up on shore sans liver or heart. Great white orphans mourning their kin.

Per a study in the African Journal of Marine Science, the great whites have abandoned their normal feeding grounds due fear and discomfort.

During the study, which was carried out over five-and-a-half years, 14 sharks have been tracked fleeing the areas when the orcas are present and visual sightings have dropped dramatically in certain Western Cape Bays.

“Initially, following an orca attack in Gansbaai, individual great white sharks did not appear for weeks or months,” Towner said.

“What we seem to be witnessing though is a large-scale avoidance (rather than a fine-scale) strategy, mirroring what we see used by wild dogs in the Serengeti in Tanzania, in response to increased lion presence.”

The removal of great white sharks will likely cause pressure on the food chain.

Now, of course I know that J-Bay is not a western Cape Bay and you may know that too but great white sharks are not as well-read as us, not really into the African Journal of Marine Science etc. so they might not and may be avoiding it altogether just to be extra safe.

You, of course, recall that J-Bay was site to the most famous single heat in competitive surfing history wherein a great white became tangled in Mick Fanning’s leash as he surfed against Julian Wilson circa 2015. Fanning was physically unscathed and the World Surf League, in its first season, breathed a public sigh of relief. Privately, though, there must have been many high fives and tight shakas for the incident is, by far and away, the most watched and talked about in professional surfing history.

Not that the WSL would like another brush with great white death but… ratings are ratings and that taste of real non-endemic sporting news and news news, oh so sweet. So much better than being endlessly prattled about on surf blogs, even wildly popular ones.

Just one more hit, daddy, with everyone safe, of course.

Please?

A low down dirty shame.

Imagine being a next level 14-year-old surfer out sharing an Indonesian lineup with the world’s greatest athlete Kelly Slater. Then, dream on, he shouts you into an absolute bomb. He having position, you getting the call. Paddle, paddle, paddle, drop barrel beginning to lay out before you when, suddenly, out from the sky, an elder man wearing what appears to be a baseball hat and/or trucker hat drops forcing you back into the lip in order to be pounded upon the reef.

Harsh!

This nightmare-cum-dream sequence, though, happens to be a reality and one commemorated to film for all the world to see.

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Filmmaker Shane Kreutzer captured the moment that was thus reprised by snowflake publication The Inertia.

Being snowflake, the aforementioned refused to name and shame the elder man but Kelly Slater, brave and bold, had no such compunction, ordering the spineless SUP enthusiasts to “tag him” and providing the handle @captain_kook_berry_crunch which just so happens to belong to belong here.

Comments were very harsh toward the dropper inner with many declaring that would be the last wave he would catch in Indonesia, that he should fly home etc.

But what is your read?

Kelly obviously a saint, young charger going for it but elder a life endangering menace?

I stand with Slater, and rage, per the usual.

Please weigh in with your thoughts.

The feel-good story of the decade.

The recent interview conducted with the world’s greatest athlete, Kelly Slater, by Breitling continues to captive the surf reading public with revelation after revelation emerging from the, ostensibly, advertorial masterpiece. Drip after drop after drip holding sway while J-Bay ticks to commencement.

Slater sat down with the luxury Swiss watch manufacturer, recently, to speak about the re-worked Superocean Automatic 42 Kelly Slater. Limited to 1000 pieces, Breitling used its dive watch as foundation but swapped in a bright orange dial as nod to the 11x world surfing champion’s father and an army green band, inspiration un-noted, though the chat quickly pivoted to shocking revelations that he, Slater, surfs for a grueling 50-minutes at a time as opposed to the typical 30 and once heard, evidence-free, that surfers have eclipsed golfers in number, noting there is much money in golf.

Lost, however, or at least under-acknowledged, is Slater’s intent to surf in the upcoming 2024 Olympiad which will be held in France and, thus, subjugated French Polynesia i.e. Teahupoo.

Dipping in once again:

I’d be lying if I didn’t say it was on my mind. Because the location of the next Olympics is a spot I’ve probably had my first or second best results in my career — it’s in Teahupo’o in Tahiti. France is hosting the Olympics and they’ve chosen to take it down to Teahupo’o — I’ve won that contest like six or seven times. It would be really great to try to make that team. They only took two people from each country in the last Olympics, and they’re going to take three from a couple this time — including the U.S. I honestly think the qualification is potentially harder for me than winning the Olympics. If I can get in there I think I’d have a shot at winning the Olympics in 2024. And I’d be 52, so I’d be one of the oldest Olympians in that game.

Slater is correct in his assessment that qualification may be more difficult than winning gold. At time of writing, the most recent Pipeline Pro is sitting as the sixth best American in the world with only the top two, per country, allowed. If you recall, Hawaii does not get to surf under its own flag, per Olympic rules, so John John Florence and Baron Mamiya are directly in his way but let’s get into the numbers?

John John is hurt and may have a tough time getting his wobbly boot motivated. Baron should, or could, be a lock. Kolohe Andino, the American with a Hawaiian name, is above Slater too plus has Olympic experience and Nat Young, the American with an Australian name, is making moves. Griffin Colapinto, currently world no. 4, has shown flashes of brilliance, likely also locking, so where does that leave our man?

Does he have what it takes to rise above a solid but compromised field?

While the World Surf League insists they “don’t script this,” should they just once?

The feel-good story of the decade.

Or to quote the great Noa Deane, “America, fuck yeah.”

But quickly, Slater claims to have won at Teahupoo “six or seven times.” Do you not think he knows whether it is “six” or “seven” or is he just that good?

Possibly even the greatest of all-time.