Over-fifties surf community in shock following defeat of Kelly Slater in invitation-only contest at wildly exclusive Four Seasons Hotel in Maldives, “It felt really good to beat Kelly. Every time I can beat him, it’s a personal win for me!”

“It’s pretty obvious, but it’s really difficult to beat him. I’ve surfed against him a ton of times in my life and he usually gets me every time."

The aged surf community, that dreadful over-fifties male with his elongated ball sack and sad little cock and belief that surfing can be “regulated”, is in shock this morning following the defeat of their icon Kelly Slater in the second round of the invitation-only Four Seasons Maldives Surfing Champions Trophy.

The contest runs over three days. Single fins. Twins. Thrusters. Twenty-five gees to the winner.

You’ll remember, yesterday, how fifty-year-old Slater, who finished third at the Outerknown Tahiti Pro in ten-foot waves last week and who is the current world number fifteen, made short work of the Momentum Gen, including one-time arch-rival Rob Machado, in the single fin div.

Today, however, was all Shane Dorian, a former world number four, who was “one of the few surfers of his generation not to pattern his style after three-time world champion Tom Curren, developing instead his own curious-but-pleasing form, marked by a raised chin, down-turned wrists and hands, and splayed fingers.”

“It felt really good to beat Kelly,” said Dorian. “It’s pretty obvious, but it’s really difficult to beat him. I’ve surfed against him a ton of times in my life and he usually gets me, so every time I can beat him, it’s a personal win for me.”

Dorian faced the supremely fit Ross Williams in the twin-fin final in waves described as “tricky”.

“Conditions were really fun, but you had to be very selective,” said Williams, riding a board designed by fellow competitor Rob Machado. “I feel like riding a twin-fin presented even more of a challenge out there – but, when you got a good wave and put it together, it felt all the better because of just how difficult it was.”

Tomoz, three-fins or “thrusters”.

Twin Fin Division Results:

Shane Dorian (USA) – 1st
Ross Williams (USA) – 2nd
Rob Machado (USA) – 3rd
Kelly Slater (USA) – 3rd
Taylor Knox (USA) – 5th
Hussain “Iboo” Areef (MDV) – 5th


Who doesn't like a party?
Who doesn't like a party?

World Surf League Head of Competition admits surprise “most favorite event on WSL calendar” (Hint: it’s not Pipeline, J-Bay or Teahupo’o)!

Lower Trestles?

As you know, 2022’s World Surf League Championship Tour is drawing to a close. There is only one event remaining, the make-believe Rip Curl WSL Finals, then we will have to twiddle our thumbs, sad and lonesome. No Kanoa Igarashi to warm our hearts. No Filipe Toledo to make us feel bold and brave by comparison.

But which stop is your favorite? The one you circle on the calendar and gleefully anticipate?

The Banzai Pipeline with its history and swagger?

South Africa’s J-Bay and that canvas?

Teahupo’o’s gasp-inducing caverns?

There is no wrong choice except Lower Trestles or Brazil and the WSL’s brass should be proud of all save Trestles and Brazil, but in a real surprise, the Senior Vice President of Tours, Head of Competition Jessi Miley-Dyer just admitted her most cherished.

Can you guess?


It is glow stick night surfing in France!

But let’s learn why.

Ok so picture this, right, you were in Anglet last week and you got to watch our night surfing event. So this is one of my most favorite events that we have on the calendar. I mean look at it, it’s a bit of a party, which everyone loves, and it’s surfers competing at night with glow sticks.  And you can see why I would like it, it’s just pure neon but it’s fun, it’s something different, right? I mean, who doesn’t want to do this?

It must be a great relief to all Challenger Series surfers who recently lost their Quiksilver Pro France to know that it has been fantastically replaced.


King of the World!
King of the World!

World’s best small wave surfer Filipe Toledo reveals judges to blame for shock Tahiti Pro loss: “Felt like my waves were better than 7s but super stoked with my performance!”

Surf fans to sleep easy tonight.

The world’s current number one surfer, Filipe Toledo, suffered a shock loss in the just-wrapped Outerknown Tahiti Pro greatly kerflummoxing fans around the globe. In his first heat, he bravely refused to paddle for monster waves, bobbing lonely out the back while two elderly gentlemen traded absolute bombs underneath his priority.

In his second heat, he came up against the less skilled of the aforementioned elderly gentlemen, rode two medium sized waves and lost thus being sent home in last place.

Fans here and there, again, immeasurably stunned as, once more, Toledo is the world’s current number one surfer. How could he possibly lose in such fashion to such competitors?

Well, a week or such on, it has finally been revealed that the judges were, in fact, to blame for the unfortunate business.

In a message posted to social media, Toledo penned, “Felt good going into the elimination round. Had to go against legend Nathan Hog that got the best wave of the heat! Congrats brother (fire emoji)!!!! Feel like my waves was better than 7s but super stoked with my performance…// trestles see you soon// Felt good going into the elimination round, but I ran into monster Nathan Hedge! I think my waves might have been a bit more noted, even more seeing some drums now! But happy with my performance! Thank you Jesus – see you at trestles (swords crossed emoji).

While there is light confusion about what “drums” the very talented Brazilian is seeing now, fans will sleep easy knowing that the all-but-certain 2022 champion is best in all conditions, any size.


All is right.

An old fight classic from Duranbah, many years ago.

Out-of-control violence at iconic beaches forces authorities to consider draconian measures, including segregated surf zones, to quell barbarity: “It’s Australia. There’s a lot of angry people!”

“It’s often swift, savage, brutal. Surf rage (is) an ugly plague on our city’s beaches!”

A few weeks back, we thrilled to a wild melee at Snapper Rocks when a surfer rained hellfire on a kid bodyboarder who dropped in on him only to get a beatdown from a former pro booger who dispensed a righteous right hook, a difficult manoeuvre while prone.

Now, following the incident, and a few thousand others like it, the Gold Coast City Council, which runs the beaches from Coolangatta through to the Spit, is considering implementing draconian measures, including segregated surf zones, as a circuit breaker ‘tween kook and experienced surfer.

“If you don’t know how to surf, you’re just learning, here’s an area for learners,” Gold Coast Mayor Tom Tate told 7News. “Different zones for different surfers.”

Many challenges for council, howevs.

Who assesses the surfer’s skill before he paddles out at Snapper? And is the expert given free reign behind the rock while the beginner sits near a buoy at Little Marley? And, most waves on the GC are pretty dang easy to surf. Hawaii or Tahiti, it ain’t.

Crucially, is the Australian temperament unsuited to such a measure? 

“I don’t know if there’s a way to stop it,” says one wise teen surfer. “It’s Australia. There’s a lot of angry people.”

Surf police are unlikely, reports 7, although signs may be affixed along the coast advising learners which beaches to avoid or enjoy etc.

Watch report here. 

British mothers lose minds, grow hysterical after surfer/father outed for making child walk home from beach alone: “I’m livid because he’s six and there are any number of strangers and hazards between here and there!”

Grom abuse.

The internet has exploded into righteous indignation as it has just been revealed a British surfer/father, out at the beach with his six-year-old son, made the boy walk to the family vacation rental all by himself. The story was first posted on parenting form mumsnet under the thread “Am I Being Unreasonable.”

After the young man showed up at the door declaring, “Daddy told me to come back on my own!” beaming pride. The mother, who uses the handle Throwauay wrote, “Could you get worked up about this or am I being precious? (Our family is staying at the top of an apartment block) and when you get outside the block, the beach is down three steep sets of stairs, through a narrow, very uneven and twisty alley, across a road and down some wooden steps. I’m livid because he’s six and there are any number of strangers and hazards between there and here.”

Furthermore, the deadbeat did not call to make sure the progeny had made it back safely.

Opinion was universally against the dad.

DelphiniumBlue declared, “Yes, the fact that he hasn’t even checked that he’s made it back, or warned you to look out for him…in a strange country, by the sea…That is so worrying.”

Mountainsunsets wrote, “YANBU [you are not being unreasonable]. Totally unacceptable.”

Crunchymum added, “I’d be utterly livid too. It’s unforgivable.”

Will you get on mumsnet and defend your water brother?

Truth be told, the original piece never said if the father was a surfer or not but I can’t imagine what other sort of person would be otherwise too occupied to walk a child a few blocks home.

Classic grom abuse.

More importantly, though, do you believe helicopter parenting grows healthy children or are you more of a Grizzly Adams man?

More as the story develops.