“It’s pretty obvious, but it’s really difficult to beat him. I’ve surfed against him a ton of times in my life and he usually gets me every time."
The aged surf community, that dreadful over-fifties male with his elongated ball sack and sad little cock and belief that surfing can be “regulated”, is in shock this morning following the defeat of their icon Kelly Slater in the second round of the invitation-only Four Seasons Maldives Surfing Champions Trophy.
The contest runs over three days. Single fins. Twins. Thrusters. Twenty-five gees to the winner.
You’ll remember, yesterday, how fifty-year-old Slater, who finished third at the Outerknown Tahiti Pro in ten-foot waves last week and who is the current world number fifteen, made short work of the Momentum Gen, including one-time arch-rival Rob Machado, in the single fin div.
Today, however, was all Shane Dorian, a former world number four, who was “one of the few surfers of his generation not to pattern his style after three-time world champion Tom Curren, developing instead his own curious-but-pleasing form, marked by a raised chin, down-turned wrists and hands, and splayed fingers.”
“It felt really good to beat Kelly,” said Dorian. “It’s pretty obvious, but it’s really difficult to beat him. I’ve surfed against him a ton of times in my life and he usually gets me, so every time I can beat him, it’s a personal win for me.”
Dorian faced the supremely fit Ross Williams in the twin-fin final in waves described as “tricky”.
“Conditions were really fun, but you had to be very selective,” said Williams, riding a board designed by fellow competitor Rob Machado. “I feel like riding a twin-fin presented even more of a challenge out there – but, when you got a good wave and put it together, it felt all the better because of just how difficult it was.”
Tomoz, three-fins or “thrusters”.
Twin Fin Division Results:
Shane Dorian (USA) – 1st
Ross Williams (USA) – 2nd
Rob Machado (USA) – 3rd
Kelly Slater (USA) – 3rd
Taylor Knox (USA) – 5th
Hussain “Iboo” Areef (MDV) – 5th
The aged surf community, that dreadful over-fifties male with his elongated ball sack and sad little cock is one of the most disrespectful starts to a writing piece I have ever heard the fact 50s isn’t old. And I’m 100% sure there are millions who look younger and fiter than the writer of this article themselves and also the fact that Kelly came third in the WSL and is still one of the best surfers in the world regardless of age and then came 4th in an over 50s comp shows how young over 50s is these days and no one is the same biological age. I would 100% guess Kelly Slater has a larger and less saggy cock than you and would be biologically younger think you’re getting 90s confused for 50s. So glad I’m Aussie where we go by bio age instead of a number. Such a terrible piece. And yes I’m an exercise scientist and yes 50s isn’t classified as old and yes there are so many Pro Athletes over 50 no compared to 20 years ago that would be so much younger than the biological age of this journalist. Not sure to many blokes in there 50s have sagging balls like my 101 year old great uncle. Wouldn’t the fact that Kelly Slater more than still holds his own on the WSL show how young 50s is, but I just smell Jealousy of a man who peaked in highschool while most Men peak in there mid 30s these days and maintain it for longer than ever.
Lucky me
Iboo looks to be in really good shape for someone over 50
It’s OK, don’t worry. The WSL probably buys carbon credits on the surfers behalf from wind and/or solar farms to offset the impact. So its all good. Totally green.
I was, just yesterday, completing a listening examination of the discography of Legendary San Diego Postpunk Band No Knife, wherein I realized their worst song was “Sweep Away My Shadow,” the soundtrack to Taylor Knox’s part on Focus.
Anyway, I haven’t seen footage from this contest, but I’m sure Foxy Knoxy should’ve won the first two days.
OK’s “sustainable manufacturing” is definitely the way he justifies it in his head.
Don’t ya love the smell of burning fossil fuels as you type your comments on the internet ?.
First I have been typing on a keyboard not designed by Dez or Chaz neither my best friends but super cool awesome anyway. I’ve been reading and commenting here at Beach Grit for ten years, Uhm! The writing quality, commenting clarity and vibe here is just amazing!
foot note: They don’t clean the sheets!
It’s ok to all that Momentum Generation kids!
Right after they defeated sustainable sockless 11th world title eternal 12th world title wannabe bald guy, probably they sucked him and gave a relaxing balls massage!
On the clips Kelly’s still surfing the best and where’s Kalani Robb and some other momentum guys?
I’ll never understand how Kalani Robb didn’t win multiple world championships.
Bigger question- Why did they invite Ross Williams?
God, what a shit time they must be having at this comp.
Free trip to and stay at Maldives, with best buds from back in the day, and no kids? And empty reef breaks to surf? Curious why you think that would = shit time? If some idiots wanted to pay me and my best friends to surf some isolated reef break and film it, would be hard to say no to that, and for sure it would be fun as hell.
I was being deeply, deeply sarcastic.
Ahhhh….hard to know, as this Chazz account over the years, is often deeply, deeply critical of and grumpy towards surfers and surfing, whilst often being rarely if ever sarcastic. Thought you were writing in that vein, hence my question.
Sounds like everyday for Kelly, especially the not having to take care of his kids part.
no chicken skin in that game! roast goose…
Great intro.
I only hate on over-privileged 50 YOs who drive wanky status cars and flaunt their vacations.
Oh, and most of the GOP.
also known as 50 YOs who have worked for a few decades and are now able to buy nice things
Status symbols and conspicuous consumption are never cool. Tres déclassé.
I wish i could pay my lawyers school fees, what an honor.
Shane yes but God help me if we have to see someone else doing those terrible “drop wallets”
As for homeless Jesus. He should gift Pip his saggy balls.
I’d love that just to shake things up.
This event screams money laundering. No way they recoup expenses. Also, Rob Machado now looks like a witch.
There is a Vietnamese family living in his hair
As if that scene from Witches where they all take off their human masks wasn’t recreated at some point.
Looks like it’s a toss-up between this and Fatty’s glo-stix for the world’s shittest, most pointless, self-indulgent, utter crap surf comp.
No doubt they’ll both become annual events…
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
CB ,you win the internet for this!
wheres my serf?
Thanks!
It may become a series.
Im serf for food already….wage slave in oprahville
“sad little cock” not unlike the author of his article !