World Surf League CEO Erik Logan hangs linguistic disaster on world’s second greatest surfer Stephanie Gilmore forcing stylish champ to stagger through public square in needless shame!

Gr8.

I just, moments ago, hopped off a best pal’s sailboat after two days offshore, no phone coverage, savages paddling themselves everywhere on an ocean kayak found floating miles from anywhere, entirely disconnected from external reality.

Little did I know, back home, that the world’s second greatest surfer and newly minted champion Stephanie Gilmore was being forced to stagger through the public square under the weight of a linguistic disaster hung around her neck by none other than World Surf League CEO Erik Logan.

Gilmore, who is known for her effortless style, not one hitch, zero awkward, won her eighth title last week, the most ever by a female, bested only by Kelly Slater pansexually.

She roared all the way from the fifth spot to hoist the cup there on Lower Trestles’ cobbled stones, thrilling fans everywhere including, but not limited to, the aforementioned Logan. After her victory, he stood onstage with neatly trimmed beard, overly-aggressive sunglasses, black company polo and said, “Stephanie, I want to be the first to say this to you and to the world. You are the greatest and we will spell “great” with “eight.”

There were crickets and so he repeated, “great with an eight.”

While no surfer with any sense will ever call Gilmore the “gr8est,” as it jars the eyes and hurts the soul, Reuters, a leading new service, picked the mess right up and published “Brazil’s Toledo wins first world surf title, Gilmore goes Gr8t.”

Gr8t.

As hideous as it gets. Ke11y a visual masterpiece by comparison.

Unbefitting and sad.