Tap out.

The noted technology, design, science and science fiction website Gizmodo turned its steely gaze into our humble surfing space, days ago, in a broad feature that aimed to name “the best surfboards, wetsuits and surfing accessories.” Now, when I stumbled upon the headline, particularly the word “accessories,” I was all but certain the “best surfboard” would be Gerry Lopez’s Costco special and so you can imagine my shock when the heavyweight brawl came down to John John Florence’s longtime shaper Jon Pyzel and Kolohe Andino’s meister Matt Biolos.

The winner?

Pyzel.

Gizmodo wrote:

A lot of pro surfers use Pyzel boards, and so for years I stayed away, thinking they were too advanced for me. That may be true of some of their shapes, but the Phantom (6’1” round tail version) surprised me by being one of the most user-friendly boards I’ve ever tried. It paddles incredibly well and is very stable under-foot. It has a ton of drive to get down the line, but it also turns effortlessly.

I used this board in everything from 2-3-foot beach break slop to racing 6-foot+ right-hand point-breaks, and the board didn’t blink. In other words, it can grovel (i.e. catch small, weak waves) decently well but can still hold a line when things get critical. It’s good with steep, late drops, too. I went with the five fin-box version, so I could ride it as a thruster (three fins) or quad (four fins). It’s so versatile that if I could only have one board, this would probably be it. When things start getting in the double-overhead range (8-foot plus) you’ll probably want to have a step-up, and I actually found a 6’ 6” Pyzel Tank for $300 on Craigslist that I use for those big days. But for everyday conditions, the Phantom is dreamy.

Biolos did not leave the ring empty handed as his Lost + Lib Tech Quiver Killer was named best travel board.

Pretty good.

7till8 won for best wetsuit, Roark took the boardshort category and Dryrobe Advanced Long Sleeve earned best changing robe.

Do you use a changing robe?

Me either.

Celebrate the rest of the winners here.

Keep my name outta your mouth.

In my time here on this earth, I have noticed a general pattern when it comes to announcements of very unpopular things. The public initially revolts and screams extremely angry words. After a few days, a counter-narrative begins to take hold with silver linings, other perspectives finding purchase. The extremely angry words soften to a low grumble. The rose colored lens-wearers smugly nod and everyone waits for the next bit of outrage.

The World Surf League’s recently-announced 2023 Championship Tour, however, has bucked this trend, the fury growing, growing, growing with no end in sight. The bitterness, exasperation bouncing back and forth between the crown being decided at Lower Trestles, again, and Surf Ranch being pulled from its shallow grave.

Pure vitriol.

Now, I don’t know how this deluge is being dealt with beyond the World Surf League’s patented Wall of Positive Noise. I’d image the early hours of frenzy were met with paternal “understanding” but its unrelentingness must now be disquieting.

Or maybe not.

CEO Erik Logan has taken the proactive step of limiting those who can speak his name in Instagram comments.

Will this turn the tide? Allow the counter-narrative to finally take hold? The Best of Maroon 5 once again re-filling the heretofore sad spaces of Logan’s mind?

Or maybe not?

Currently more questions than answers.

The Curse of Adriano de Souza?

Los Angeles-area surfers harboring dreams of driving east for two hours, instead of north for four, and ending up in a postmodern architectural wonderland, as opposed to a dairy apocalypse, to surf Kelly Slater’s patented wave-generating technology woke up deeply depressed this morning.

After much debate, public hand-wringing, back and forths, La Quinta’s city council, last night, unanimously rejected the Coral Mountain citing community concerns that the surf club would bring “the wrong element” i.e. people still alive.

The project, announced two years ago, promised, “hundreds of houses, a hotel and a high-tech surf wave basin” to be built in the shadow of the glorious Santa Rosa mountains. Concerns about building a wave tank during a historic drought were raised, though the developers promised it would take less water than neighboring golf courses. The footprint was shrunk to alleviate stress but there was no alleviating the stress of “surfers” coming to town.

Kelly Slater’s wave technology is as fun to surf as it is awful to watch but, after all these years, we are still only left with the cow stink.

How did all that happen?

How is there not one more plow on earth?

The curse of Adriano de Souza?

Ahhh.