Logan (left) telling Tom Carroll his strategy for winning surf fans back.
Logan (left) telling Tom Carroll his strategy for winning surf fans back.

As deluge of disgust continues to pound World Surf League over re-imagined 2023 tour feat. Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch, CEO takes evasive action: “Erik Logan doesn’t allow everyone to @mention them.”

Chas Smith

By

Keep my name outta your mouth.

In my time here on this earth, I have noticed a general pattern when it comes to announcements of very unpopular things. The public initially revolts and screams extremely angry words. After a few days, a counter-narrative begins to take hold with silver linings, other perspectives finding purchase. The extremely angry words soften to a low grumble. The rose colored lens-wearers smugly nod and everyone waits for the next bit of outrage.

The World Surf League’s recently-announced 2023 Championship Tour, however, has bucked this trend, the fury growing, growing, growing with no end in sight. The bitterness, exasperation bouncing back and forth between the crown being decided at Lower Trestles, again, and Surf Ranch being pulled from its shallow grave.

Pure vitriol.

Now, I don’t know how this deluge is being dealt with beyond the World Surf League’s patented Wall of Positive Noise. I’d image the early hours of frenzy were met with paternal “understanding” but its unrelentingness must now be disquieting.

Or maybe not.

CEO Erik Logan has taken the proactive step of limiting those who can speak his name in Instagram comments.

Will this turn the tide? Allow the counter-narrative to finally take hold? The Best of Maroon 5 once again re-filling the heretofore sad spaces of Logan’s mind?

Or maybe not?

Currently more questions than answers.

Palm Springs cements reputation as place for old people to go and die as “Fountain of Youth” Coral Mountain surf park concept killed by city council!

Chas Smith

By

The Curse of Adriano de Souza?

Los Angeles-area surfers harboring dreams of driving east for two hours, instead of north for four, and ending up in a postmodern architectural wonderland, as opposed to a dairy apocalypse, to surf Kelly Slater’s patented wave-generating technology woke up deeply depressed this morning.

After much debate, public hand-wringing, back and forths, La Quinta’s city council, last night, unanimously rejected the Coral Mountain citing community concerns that the surf club would bring “the wrong element” i.e. people still alive.

The project, announced two years ago, promised, “hundreds of houses, a hotel and a high-tech surf wave basin” to be built in the shadow of the glorious Santa Rosa mountains. Concerns about building a wave tank during a historic drought were raised, though the developers promised it would take less water than neighboring golf courses. The footprint was shrunk to alleviate stress but there was no alleviating the stress of “surfers” coming to town.

Kelly Slater’s wave technology is as fun to surf as it is awful to watch but, after all these years, we are still only left with the cow stink.

How did all that happen?

How is there not one more plow on earth?

The curse of Adriano de Souza?

Ahhh.

The great Jamie O'Brien on a standing wave at Waimea Bay, the North Shore yet to put fun on its list of city ordinances. @whoisjob

Australia retains crown as #1 nation in the world for “citizen policing” after teen surfers threatened with massive fines for opening lagoon entrances to create standing waves, “(It’s) illegal and can be dangerous for members of the public!”

Derek Rielly

By

Australia's rep as a nation of rule-flouting larrikins takes fatal blow!

A big part of the white Australian psyche is a supposed rebel spirit borne from its convict beginnings in the nineteenth century, men, women, kids ripped from the motherland and thrust into a wild, tough country.

The truth is very different, of course.

Australia is marked by its slavish adherence to rules, whether its water restrictions (citizen police diligently telephoning authorities if a water is being unlawfully watered), driving at a determined speed limit or ensuring music is neither heard nor played after nine pm.

A country of docile rule-followers, demonstrated most recently by the population’s response to the most draconian pandemic lockdowns in the world, the few protesters quickly dispersed with rubber bullets and swarms of police arresting the uncooperative.

And, all aided and abetted by armies of citizen police armed with sharp eyes and telephones.

After an ungodly amount of rain on Australia’s east coast, surfers on Sydney’s northern beaches used shovels to open up lagoons to create standing waves, something that’s been happening for decades.

Real good, real clean fun,.

Not any more. Citizen cops, along with local councillors, have combined to call for a shutdown of the “illegal” activity, kids threatened with $1100 fines if they take up a shovel.

The warming came after a member of Dee Why’s citizen police force “saw people, including four teens, with spades digging a channel to the ocean from Dee Why Lagoon on Saturday, September 10… he witnessed the the two adults watching the teenagers, aged 12 to 14, create a metre-wide trench. The resident, who asked not to be named, told the Manly Daily that the trench soon opened to close to 4m wide and started funnelling a large flow of water. ‘It created a large wave that the children were surfing on with surfboards. I asked one parent what they were doing and the man said ‘I know some people don’t like it, but it’s fun for the kids and people have been doing it here for years’. I was told I’m part of the fun police.’”

The council, for its part, warned, “Unauthorised lagoon openings are illegal and can be dangerous for members of the public. The water outflow often develops into ‘standing waves’, with particularly dangerous downward pressure. This can trap even strong swimmers.”

Equality! (pictured)
Equality! (pictured)

Unicorn fan of Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch Pro discovered in most unlikely of places: “The pool can be such an important part of social inclusion, especially in places that are miles far from the ocean, but it needs to be much publicized to make an impact for thousands in the future!”

Chas Smith

By

"Losers."

The World Surf League released its 2023 Championship Tour schedule but days ago unleashing a torrent of vitriol so full-throated, so purely grouchy from fans of professional surfing to make even the grumpiest of surf journalists blush. The issues twofold. Holding Final’s Day at Lower Trestles yet again thereby gifting the world’s greatest little wave surfer Filipe Toledo his second crown, yes, but mostly the reintroduction of Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch Pro.

The tank hosted two contests before, much to the chagrin of… everyone. While very fun to surf, it is absolutely painful to watch, pure torture, and fans of professional surfing rejoiced when it was disappeared last year.

But it is back and rage.

RAGE against that machine.

Being serious about my craft, though, the aforementioned grumpy surf journalism, I purposed to find but one positive perspective about the Surf Ranch Pro, digging through hundreds upon hundreds of comments, thousands even, on the World Surf League’s usually tepid platform, on CEO Erik Logan’s, on Head of Competition Jessi Miley-Dyer’s but nothing.

Not one ray of light.

So you can imagine my utter shock when visiting BeachGrit’s lightly-trafficked Instagram page, earlier today, I stumbled upon the one, the only, happy take.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by BeachGrit (@beach.grit)

Joao Luna, who writes under the name jpluna05, penned, “I don’t get all the buzz about the surf ranch. Such a great place for the fans, sponsors and much more. It’s just one stop there FFS! The pool can be such an important part of social inclusion, especially in places that are miles far from the ocean, but it needs to be much publicized to make an impact for thousands in the future. Now, I believe the format can be changed to add a bit more action to it. Some behaviours like a local trying to keep their beach point untouchable. Losers.”

Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch Pro a beacon of ethical responsibility!

I cannot wait for the World Surf League’s Logan and Miley-Dyer to stumble upon this message and broadcast it right.

Planting justice in the desert.

Americans, long used to international sporting dominance, greedily lick lips as Kolohe Andino, Nat Young, Griff Colapinto remain in hunt for World Surfing Games gold!

Chas Smith

By

Redeem Team!

America is, without doubt, an Olympic powerhouse tallying 1755 more medals, since the Games’ rebirth in 1896, than its nearest competitor that just so happens to be defunct (RIP USSR). Absolute and utter dominance and the country’s general public, residing from sea to shining sea, may well have expected absolute and utter domination over surfing as it made its grand debut two summers ago.

Carissa Moore did her part, taking gold for the red, white, blue on the women’s side but the men were put to shame by Brazil, Japan and Australia in that order.

Unchill.

But might redemption be nigh? The World Surfing Games is currently underway in sunny Huntington Beach and, I think*, three Americans are still in the draw.

Kolohe Andino, Nat Young, Griffin Colapinto.

Each surfs on World Surf League’s Champion Tour with the exception, possibly, of Nat Young. Each Californian. And get this, the country that wins the World Surfing Games gets an extra slot for an Olympic surfer (three instead of two). Let’s say either Andino, Young or Colapinto win this thing. Let’s say they, each, head to the 2024 Teahupo’o Olympics.

Sweep?

Watch here!

*I really don’t know how to read this.