To the moon!
American billionaires around the world had trouble sleeping last night as they knew Forbes would be releasing its definitive guide to some of the world’s richest people in the early morning. Who would rise? Who would fall? Who would be feted and who would be deeply shamed, unable to show poverty-stricken face in polite society again?
Well, let’s all stand and cheer professional surfing’s grand patron, the one and only Dirk Ziff who soared up one whole place to land at equal 160.
The spike can only be attributed to the most watched season in World Surf League history.
Numbers, still trickling in, are robust though very much denied by correspondent JP Currie who called them “ludicrous” and declared it a “campaign of such deliberate misinformation and manipulation that it amounts to sheer lies.”
Forbes, though, knows this sort of game better than we do and must have weighed those 8.3 million viewers for Final’s Day, there on Lower Trestles cobbled stone, accurately. Assigning each real value. Launching wealth. Ziff, and his brothers, are each worth $5.7 billion and while I don’t know where his brothers invested their riches I know surfing and I know stratospheric surges and I read chief strategist Dave Prodan discuss the reality of boom.
To the moon.
Speaking of, Elon Musk took the number one slot with his $251 billion, a whole $100b over number two Jeff Bezos. Surfing’s Mark Zuckerberg fell to eleven.
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government moonbeam…
’64
Just to be clear Mark Z doesn’t surf.. he got one of those overpriced electric powered surfboards with a foil under it and plasters his face with that white tar that makes him look like data from Star Trek. And I’m almost certain he’s got a paddle board… Lame but I bet he could buy his own bathtub and practice in it like Kelly
Got his coin from grandad eh!! so 2 options you piss and party it away or with a bit common sense you turn yourself into billionaire
It’s not like he some fucking business genius is it – his surf investment probs shows that!!
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When it comes to the “Heir to Miki Dora’s Throne” at Malibu, my vote goes to the realtor guy that smashed the board with a rock.
Another way you can look at this is–Dirk has so much $$$$$$$$, do you really thinks he gives a crap what Elo, Prodan, and all the ding-bats before them did and are now doing.
He has an Empire to run.
And if pro surfing keeps the little lady (Natasha) happy and occupied and off his back with her new hobby.
It’s money well spent.
It’s chump change to him and a tax write off to boot.
People like him never feel they have enough money. I bet he’s constantly cracking the whip on Elo.
Haha, Shirley you jest?
Build back even better.
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Really this Ziff is brilliant having a strategy to inflate numbers now to only erase….err….revise…err….reapportion spreadsheets later due to surprise accounting losses at final Q4 tax time….really we all win.
Time for a general strike to force politicians to tax the rich and help the poor. Millions of people die of starvation every year. On average the poorest people have the most kids (though, on a per person basis, Americans and Australians use hundreds of times more fossil fuels than Africans and people in other poor parts of the world). Over-population is the number one cause of climate change.
Yes cause if there was the right amount then none would suffer. Just like in 1700.
Brilliant!!
Life is suffering. But we still need to try to leave the world a little better than we found it.
No doubt Eesh.
Its very tricky.
I think a massive meteor strike is the way to go.
Wikipedia: “Don’t Look Up is a 2021 American apocalyptic political satire black comedy film written, co-produced, and directed by Adam McKay from a story he co-wrote with David Sirota, and starring an ensemble cast that is led by Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Lawrence, Rob Morgan, Jonah Hill, Mark Rylance, Tyler Perry, Timothée Chalamet, Ron Perlman, Ariana Grande, Kid Cudi, Cate Blanchett, and Meryl Streep. It tells the story of two astronomers attempting to warn humanity about an approaching comet that will destroy human civilization. The impact event is an allegory for climate change, and the film is a satire of government, political, celebrity, and media indifference to the climate crisis.”
Fuck the poor, they’re all bloodsucking cunts
“I’m up one whole place on Forbes Rich List?! Oooh yeah you can call me Dirk Stiff today!”
Where is that GoPro guy on the list. Nick Woodman was it?
No worries, thanks to the laws of trickle-down economics all that cash is going to make its way down to us as reinvestment. Soon. Any day now.
Surely, Dirk is stoked about this. Almost as stoked as when he and his bros sold the family estate in Florida* (mentioned by JohnsKnees):
The Ziff brothers walk the family’s recently sold Gemini estate one last time, reminiscing about the fun times the three, referring to themselves as the “Czech Stallions™” (even though they are just Jewish Germans), experienced there since the 1990s after Daddy Warbucks bought it.
“Hey, remember that first party we had here?” asks Daniel, who swooshed his arm in a sweeping motion as a take-it-all in reference to the swimming pool area right in front of them.
“Yeah, that was pretty wild. The massage tables set up under the canopies along the pool edge,” says Robert, pointing to the general vicinity of where these contraptions would have been set up.
“Hey, we no longer talk about that,” huffs the eldest, Dirk, brusquely.
“Oh, come on, no one knows. Those were fun times with Uncle Jeff. No one knows about those days… plus that was the night I lost my virginity! Oh to be 19!” cries Daniel.
“True. I guess we can give you that,” smirks Dirk.
The brothers stare at each other with looks of contented, smug agreement and then make their way down toward the beach, the Atlantic side. They sit on the beach and stare out into the ocean.
“I can’t believe we actually sold the place, like why did we have to?” asks Robert.
“Hey, I thought we all loved money. We knew we wanted to unload the place,” answers Dirk.
“I mean, just because you’re losing a ton of money on funding surfing…” starts Robert.
“You know that was for Tasha,” Dirk groans, ignoring the constant beeping from his phone from text messages he’s been receiving the whole time.
“Yeah, the things we do for love, I guess… yeah, we understand… but we didn’t get nearly what we wanted for it. I mean we took $100 million bath on it.”
“We overestimated, apparently how easily it could be moved, I guess… why do they say ‘taking a bath’ losing money? It’s so stupid. What is so negative about a bath? I mean, I love taking showers more, but, come on… I mean, I LOVE showers, all that hot water. MMMMMMM…” stammers Daniel, ever the poet.
The men get up and decide to walk towards the Mango house on the property. Several more text messages blow up Dirk’s phone.
“Who is that sending all those texts?! If it’s a woman, Jesus Christ, stay away!” Another text comes through. “Can you get it?!” yells Robert.
“It’s just Erik,” utters Dirk.
“That fucking Oprah nerd?” asks Robert and Daniel at the same time. They look at each other in amusement after realizing they said the exact same question.
“TWINS!” they exclaim.
“Yes. He won’t stop updating me on what is happening with the WSL flight and boarding shit. The guy’s a fucking retard… I don’t need these updates, that’s why I hired him!” Dirk wails.
“You might need to get someone else to do the job. He sounds too needy and stupid,” says Robert.
“Don’t worry, only a matter of time. We’ve got someone else lined up to take over, some Auss…” another text comes through.
“Ugh! I don’t care what Tati or Carissa are doing! UNLESS ONE OF THEM IS SHOVING SOMETHING UP THEIR ASS, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT!” shouts Dirk.
Robert and Daniel start to walk off, to give their brother some space. Dirk begins to type furiously.
“i dont need to know just tak carre of it. we can talk sometime tmmrw. turing off phone” reads his message sent to Erik.
He shuts off his phone and half-assedly jogs to catch up with his brothers…
*retread story from a more or less middlingly glorious time.
Getting a bit DR at the end, but less grace
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Trust fund baby. Makes sense now.
In 2021, the Ziffs sold their family estate in Manalapan for $94 million.
It was bought by Jim Clark, who then sold it to Larry Ellison for $173 million in 2022.
Talk about getting fleeced.
Fuck everyone on that list.
My guess is Mr Ziff’s ownership in WSL is generating meaningful loss carry forwards against his profitable investments. NEVER doubt the ability of a surfing Okie’s abilty to lose money in a venture/sport he has no depth of knowledge about. BUT surely the amazing Wall of Positive Noise makes one feel good as they bleed cash.
Ziff might also be trying to follow in the footsteps of his maternal grandfather,
Berthold Beitz, member of Germany’s Sports Hall of Fame as well as recipient of countless other honors. Not an easy reputation to live up to.