Leo? Leo DiCaprio?

If one thing is certain in these topsy-turvy days, it is that nothing is. Seemingly solid marriages crumble overnight, leaving room for dream-like former flame re-kindlings. The World Surf League, once sporting laughingstock, becomes so popular that even tennis icons are aware of its existence.

Actors famous for playing sexless butterballs move to Malibu, modern surfing’s spiritual home (though the culturally appropriated form and on Chumash land), and absolutely dominate.

Take the example of Jonah Hill. A very funny star who has shined in many Hollywood films including The Wolf of Wall Street and

Who could have seen his rise to leading man, as he has allegedly wrapped production on his Jerry Garcia biopic and will soon begin his John Daly one?

Who would have imagined him seating himself upon Miki Dora’s Malibu throne, king of the beach?

But, again, live by the topsy-turvy, die by the topsy-turvy and it is being reported that international superstar Cher has just listed her own Malibu mansion to the tune of $85 million American dollars.

Per Fox News:

Cher reportedly paid $2.95 million for the 1.7-acre property in 1989, and it took five years to build the Venetian-inspired home, according to The Wall Street Journal.

The seven-bedroom gated home is near the Pacific Coast Highway (AKA California State Route 1) and aerial photos reveal it has striking ocean-facing arched doors and windows, a palm tree-lined driveway, an infinity pool and a tennis court.

Other amenities and highlights the famous home reportedly have include a Moorish fountain, an indoor and outdoor gym, an indoor and outdoor theater, a meditation room, a panic room, a climate-controlled wig room and Turkish-style bathrooms with wood screens, according to The Wall Street Journal.

The home’s builder was J. Wallace Tutt III and fine materials were used in its construction, such as European limestone and marble, bronze and hand-distressed mirrors, according to Architectural Digest.

Very enticing but worry must be percolating in Hill’s veins. What if the buyer is Jason Sudeikis, hot off his success as Ted Lasso, allegedly heartbroken and turning to our surfing for comfort?

Worse, what if the buyer is Harry Styles all handsome and svelte?

Could Jonah Hill compete with Harry Styles for Dora’s throne?

Or, even worse, his pal Leonardo DiCaprio?

Imagine Leo, who also famously once dated Gisele Bündchen just like Kelly Slater, adopted surfing as his fifth act?

What might Hill even begin to do aside from getting into his fine Mercedes Sprinter, fleeing and claiming Ventura as his new kingdom?

Currently more questions than answers.

Welcome to the Westside.

Santa Cruz and the surf brand O’Neill go together like Gisele Bündchen and Kelly Slater. A seamless fit. Founded by the pirate-looking Jack O’Neill in San Francisco in the early 1950s but quickly moved to Santa Cruz, the outfit has been making very fine wetsuits since and has also been hosting “Coldwater Classics” for decades in waters that demand the aforementioned fine wetsuits.

Happy marketing though quite surprising that hometown Santa Cruz has not hosted for more than ten years. Well, all that is set to change in a matter of weeks as the World Qualifying Series 1000 event plunges in to the historically significant Steamer Lane.

“It’s pretty epic to have the Cold Water Classic back after all these years,” local Nat Young told Lookout Santa Cruz. “It’s been such a big part of the surf culture up here in Santa Cruz. The Lane is just such an amphitheater of a wave. You look back and the whole cliff is just lined with people, and you can hear all of them out there while you’re in the water.”

Young counts himself a past winner alongside Tom Curren, Martin Potter and Peter “The Condor” Mel.

A WQS 1000 is the bottom of the World Surf League barrel and it is lightly strange that the event is not rated higher. Does Santa Monica hate cold water?

It would seem such with the only truly chilly waves on tour being Bells and J-Bay and maybe the Lemoore if the tule fog drops in.

Burrrr.

But will you head to the Lane to watch in person or will the 1000 rating put you off?

Giselly.

Signs everywhere.

Signs continue pointing to “YES!” for a potential reunion between Kelly Slater and Gisele Bündchen as surf fans, sitting by windows, candles lit, have been willing, willing, this power couple boom.

For those just getting caught up, the Brazilian supermodel had, until weeks ago, been seemingly happily married to football great Tom Brady, living an idyllic life. Then, wham, both were hiring divorce lawyers and the facade shattered. Surf fans, whilst trying to be respectful of the sadness, couldn’t help but dream of a re-kindling of flame between Bündchen and the world’s best surfer Kelly Slater.

Those two famously dated from 2005 through 2006 and looked sexy cool.

Well, there have been many ups and downs, including Bündchen saging her car and Slater and Bündchen following each other on Instagram though neither following, or followed by, Tom Brady, the best sign came days ago when it was revealed that Tom Brady went, solo, to billionaire 81-year-old Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s wedding.

Per People magazine:

On Friday, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback, 45, attended New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s wedding to Dana Blumberg by himself amid marriage troubles with his wife, Gisele Bündchen.

A source at the wedding event told PEOPLE Brady was “great” and he “looked happy” while paling around with his former teammates, including Randy Moss, Vince Wilfork and Drew Bledsoe. The source noted that even with an away game on Sunday, Brady stayed at the party for a long duration.

Kraft, 81, and Brady have a years-long friendship, given the NFL superstar spent the entirety of his football career with the New England Patriots before joining the Buccaneers in 2020. The New England team selected him in the sixth round of the 2000 NFL draft.

In photos obtained by Page Six, Brady can be seen exiting a black SUV while wearing a black suit, which he paired with a white dress shirt that was left unbuttoned at the top.

Notably absent were both Gisele Bündchen and Kelly Slater.

While there is no suggestion they were together, it must be noted each has a home in Florida.

Hmmmmm.

While you are here, though, if you make it to 81-years-old and you are single, do you think you’ll get married?

Something to ponder while cleaning melted wax off the windowsill.

What a time to be alive.

The World Surf League, as you know, has been on an unprecedented tear of late. Stratospheric engagement, viewing numbers through the roof, partners rapping on Santa Monica’s door, begging to be involved. Boom, boom and boom. Surf fans, typically grouchy, couldn’t help but rub their eyes in disbelief at all the growth, first squinting hard to see if it could all really be true then breaking into a slow round of applause.

What will the reaction be, then, when those same surf fans learn that tennis icon Billie-Jean King KNOWS about surfing thanks to the World Surf League?

Per the WSL’s Senior Vice-President Jessi Miley-Dyer, “I met @billiejeanking last night and it genuinely made me realize the impact of all of our hard work because SHE KNEW about surfing, and what we have done for women in the sport. She even knew details! People who say ‘you shouldn’t meet your heroes’ are just picking the wrong people to look up to.
Plus, she has three names too which we also talked about.”

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A post shared by Jessi Miley-Dyer (@jessmileydyer)

King, who very famously beat Bobby Riggs in 1973’s Battle of the Sexes, must have been quite amazed to see men and women sliding on ocean water, sometimes even inside that ocean water, for the first time. Wearing colorful singlets, often sitting there, straddling what must have appeared to be little miniature boats. Magical words like “hand jam” and “priority interference” would have surely delighted.

And all thanks to the World Surf League.

What a time to be alive.