Stalin would go, if he could!

The international sporting community was gobsmacked, minutes ago, when the hottest property in town, our World Surf League, accomplished the only-whispered-about in crowning a second asterisks-laden champion in less than a month. Covid-era National Basketball Association, strike-riddled Major League Baseball, the National Football League has only ever been able to anoint one but, here, the fastest growing franchise ever has nabbed two in some twenty-odd days.

Whoa!

Surf fans marveled, just over a fortnight ago, at Filipe Toledo’s Lower Trestles season ending victory after he failed to paddle for a wave at perfect, though extremely scary, Teahupo’o. That gorgeous asterisks hanging boldly around his neck. It was enough for a year of celebration but now, here, minutes ago, we have longboarding phenom, and all-around-great-guy Harrison Roach undo Hawaii’s Kaniela Stewart for the win.

Absolutely nothing against Roach, I’m sure he walked that nose brilliantly, but the World Surf League made the very thrilling decision, early last year, to suspend sitting champion Joel Tudor and not allow him to compete over some arguably hurtful Instagram posts.

Announcers also refused to speak the winningest-longboarder-of-all-time’s name.

An erasure Stalin could only dream of.

Congratulations are certainly in order for the WSL.

History-making.

But wait! Misinformation?

A Wyoming lawyer who happened to find herself in Bend, Oregon is mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. Sarah Falen, adviser to non-profit “environmentally friendly agriculture” outfit Perfect Balance, was in town on behalf of local farmers who are struggling with drought-ish conditions. Not enough water etc. but there, right in front of her outraged face, river surfers were partaking in river surfing.

Taking to TikTok, Falen declared, “I found the water that the Oregon farmers have paid for but don’t get to use and they are going out of business over because they can’t irrigate their crops — they are being completely sucked dry. It is right here in Bend, Oregon. What we are complaining about here is if the farmers get to irrigate, this river fluctuates by six inches at max. And because of six inches, farmers in Madras are going out of business. Don’t get me wrong this area is beautiful but we need to get our priorities straight.”

Anti-river surfers immediately jumped to her side, the general sentiment being, “Yep, let’s put farmers out of business over six inches of water so people can surf on fake waves on the river. Obviously, recreation is more important than food.”

Administrators were confused once the screed went viral. Mike Britton, executive manager for North Unit Irrigation District, telling the Bend Bulletin, “I’m not sure I understand the logic behind her statement that the waterpark is putting farmers out of business because the river fluctuates six inches? The water park does create operational issues for the irrigation districts at times but doesn’t prevent us from receiving the water we’re entitled to.”

And the Bend Park & Recreation District, which operates the Whitewater Park, immediately attempted to tamp down fury, posting, “The Whitewater Park has zero effect on flows in the river. The amount of water that flows in up here at the top is the exact amount that leaves at the bottom. This park requires zero (additional) water to function. It doesn’t take any water from the river it doesn’t add any water to the river. It gets all of its energy from nine feet of elevation drop.”

Falen, though, is not backing down, announcing to the aforementioned Bend Bulletin, “Quite frankly we have been trying hard to find someone to sue over this and there isn’t anything, so we want to change public perception over how the Endangered Species Act works.”

While Gerry Lopez, Bend’s most famous wave slider, has yet to make an announcement it’s hard not to feel for the local river surfers. A tough burden to bear in the best of times.

Send love and light their way if you can today.

GOAT jumping.

Very sad news broke, today, that football’s greatest of all-time, one Tom Brady, and his wife, the Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bündchen have each hired divorce lawyers. The two, married since 2009 and sharing two children, have been at the highest peak of Mt. Power Couple for years and have seemed to live in a fairytale though rumors of discord began percolating this year.

Per Page Six:

As previously revealed, the couple have been living separately for the past couple months following an epic fight — and they’re now apparently looking at dividing up their multimillion-dollar empire.

“I never actually thought this argument would be the end of them, but it looks like it is,” one source in the know tells Page Six.

“I don’t think there will be any coming back now. They both have lawyers and are looking at what a split will entail, who gets what and what the finances will be.”

And, again, very sad though surf fans, ever vulgar, are quietly rubbing their hands in glee, lighting candles in the hope that a newly single Bündchen may just might rekindle her flame with professional surfing’s greatest of all-time Kelly Slater.

GOAT jumping.

Students of our sport’s history know that Slater and Bündchen enjoyed a year long romance from 2005 through 2006, two seasons he maybe not coincidentally won World Titles.

While Slater is currently in a relationship with a girlfriend he describes as “Chinese,” stranger things have happened than two old lovers connecting after decades of separation.

See: Ben Affleck and J-Lo.

Where’s your head at in all this?

More importantly, I suppose, where is your heart?